what a dad does

it is an interesting journey every year to watch a new group of young people come into our program. They all come with their "stuff". We all have our stuff, but tonight i am thinking about the dad stuff.

i was talking to one of the students today about what a dad does. this young man didn't have a father in his life, he was raised entirely by his mom. so at this stage, he tends to avoid interaction with most older men, they intimidate him. so instead, he seeks out motherly figures that he can relate to. i asked him today what his idea of a father was, and he said something like "a guy that encourages, or shows me how to do man stuff" (i can't remember exactly what he said, but you get the idea - he really didn't know what a dad did).

that young man will have a problem if he doesn't figure it out. he wants to be married and have children, but he has not been able to find a man that he can replicate. so if he is not careful he will parent more like a mother - which of course, mothering is vital, but that is not how he is wired - he is made to be a dad. and if he doesn't know what a dad does, his image of a dad could be "crawl up on my lap and cuddle - and i will tell you that you are wonderful all day"

so i told him about my dad. now understand, my dad is a rockstar.  there were times that i got to crawl up on his lap and cuddle (not now, of course) and there were times and still are, that he encourages me and reminds who i am. BUT he was also the one that would say when i had climbed a tree and couldn't get out "well, you got yourself up there, you get yourself down". Or, we would be at an amusement park and he would want to go on a roller coaster and i would say "uh...no", then he would say "what is the worst thing that could happen?" "well, dad, i could die" and he would respond "ok, so what is the issue?"

that might sound a little rough (and maybe he would tell it different), but in both examples he was teaching me - one, to problem solve and two, to face my fears.

mom was a rescuer, a comforter, an encourager. dad was an empower-er, and a poke in the bum when i wasn't being what i should be.  he wasn't santa claus (but you need to know that right now he is growing his beard to be santa at christmas -and we have a family photo shoot on saturday - this is going to make for years of great story telling to the children) he didn't give me everything i wanted, but he gave me what i needed - the confidence to rush into the world and take hold of every opportunity that i could.

he used to say "i don't care if you collect garbage for a living, you just be the best garbage collector on the planet".

so in my world it was - no compromise, no shortcuts, honesty first, respect and honour to authority, and a fierce determination to dream for the impossible. My parents song was "the impossible dream" - look it up, it is a great song-  this is a little bit of it:

this is my quest to follow that star
no matter how hopeless
no matter how far
to fight for the right
without question or pause
to be willing to march into hell for a heavenly cause
and i know if i'll only be true
to this glorious quest
then my heart will lie peaceful and calm
when I'm laid to my rest
and the world will be better for this
that one man, torn and covered with scars
still strove with his last ounce of courage
to reach the unreachable star

and this is in my  DNA. because my dad put it there.

he overcame hell to march me into heaven and i am living in the fruit of his faithfulness.

so i tell this young man - you fight to know what a dad does. find dad's  - seek out older men - be determined and fierce in finding your identity as a man so you can give your kids what my dad gave me. he limped so i could run, he made hard decisions that i will never have to make, he showed me what courage and determination looks like.

and of course, if you asked him, he would just shrug his shoulders and say "meh, it's what a dad does".



(am i right dad?)

the front porch

i read a series of books a few years ago by Phillip Gulley - i think that is his name. he suggested that the decline of western civility began when people stopped putting porches on the front of their houses.

and i agree.

I have been to, and lived in, houses that had them, and those houses haunt me to this day. i ache for the beautiful swing at the Delaney's in Spokane. and the Breedens had a sweet little porch perfectly situated in the middle of a beautiful little rose garden in the front yard. I have roses in my backyard as a tribute to that yard.  i love those porches. i love the conversations i had there, and the people i knew there. i love that people would just stop by for a visit, put one foot up on the step and jingle their keys to indicate that at any minute they may need to leave, but for the moment, they were content to stop and visit for a little bit.

porches are made for quick little conversations, a bit of catch up time. or, they are made for surprise deeper conversations that may be needed for the moment.

in any case, porches are simply inviting.

they are your outdoor living room, but more open to the passer by.

i dream of those lovely southern porches with the hammock and an outdoor fan. sure, they pre-date air conditioning, but i still love them. if i can have air conditioning and an outdoor fan...really? what else could i ask for? maybe my house in heaven will have a porch with a swing and a fan. (will it be hot enough in heaven for a fan? i do love fans)

we notice that new housing developments are adding porches to the homes. and we are glad. mind you, there is a postage stamp of lawn, but still there are porches and they stand as a tribute to our need to connect with the people in our neighbourhoods. the kids may not have a place to play in the sprinkler, but at least they will know what it is to sit on the porch and wave at the crazy people who live across the street.

so the markets tumble and governments rise and fall, but a society without porches is also a tragedy, and i don't think enough people fully grasp the contribution of a neighbourhood that cares enough to sit in their front yard.

i will have a porch someday - maybe not now because our street is really loud and i sleepwalk sometimes (see earlier posts). but when i live in a safer neighbourhood and i can wander around whenever i feel like it, i will have a lovely porch with a swing and couches and a fan and, oh...the options are limitless.

thank you for listening to my little dialogue about this strange little topic. we must all have our secret loves.

long live the porch!