it never fails to amaze me how my little sighs, little whispered wishes, not even prayers, just seem to happen sometimes. the other day i was baking (not a habit, let me assure you, although i have been on a banana bread kick lately) and emma was interested in helping. i thought to myself, it would be so fun to find her a little apron so she can bake with mommy.
and i thought the other day (maybe even the same day) that emma is getting bored with her toys, it would be nice to have a few more new things for her so she can occupy herself with something other than plastic grocery bags (as she is doing while i write this - they are not over her head, just in case you were worried that i am not paying attention).
then, this weekend, my dad and gloria came up for a wedding and brought me some hand-me-down clothes for the girls along with a new little stroller, a shopping cart, and you guessed it...an apron just her size.
how does He do that?
and how can i miss it? i am sure i do, too often. but this time, i remembered and i was just so grateful. i love surprises and how fun that God loves to surprise.
then later in the week, i was feeling a little overwhelmed, and out of the blue one of my girls offered to come over on friday to watch the girls. this is what she said "you and shawn haven't been out on a date for awhile, how about i come over so you can go out?".
are you kidding me?? you were thinking about us? you noticed that we haven't been out for awhile? people amaze me.
thanks Lord. really, thanks.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Thursday, May 5, 2011
is the plural of derby derbies?
i think that the word derby is way underused. the kentucky derby is this weekend and it just made me think..."derby, i like that word....derby...we don't use that word anymore" i am trying to think of ways to incorporate derby into our lives again.
doesn't it just make you think of cool hats and lower crime rates? i wish i lived when derbys (derbies) were more common. but i think the world was less paved and there weren't enough outlets in the bathrooms.
ok, i will be happy with my era.
but still, i think maybe i will throw a derby. i will have to look up the real definition of a derby. be right back.
ok it is a game between rivals. or it is a little hamlet in england, or it is a cool hat worn by the old gangsters.
this might be challenging. why did they have fishing derbies? that sounds pretty innocent and fun.
i think i will throw a mommy derby. maybe we will to timed races to clean up puke, changing diapers and managing a tantrum all at once.
that doesnt actually sound fun. that sounds like every day life.
nevermind, no mommy derby.
anyway- one baby is crying and one baby is throwing grapes, so i will go and have my daily derby.
if only i had a hat.
doesn't it just make you think of cool hats and lower crime rates? i wish i lived when derbys (derbies) were more common. but i think the world was less paved and there weren't enough outlets in the bathrooms.
ok, i will be happy with my era.
but still, i think maybe i will throw a derby. i will have to look up the real definition of a derby. be right back.
ok it is a game between rivals. or it is a little hamlet in england, or it is a cool hat worn by the old gangsters.
this might be challenging. why did they have fishing derbies? that sounds pretty innocent and fun.
i think i will throw a mommy derby. maybe we will to timed races to clean up puke, changing diapers and managing a tantrum all at once.
that doesnt actually sound fun. that sounds like every day life.
nevermind, no mommy derby.
anyway- one baby is crying and one baby is throwing grapes, so i will go and have my daily derby.
if only i had a hat.
Friday, April 22, 2011
disneyland
remember how i said that i procrastinate sometimes? well, right now i am typing this instead of packing. but i just had to say how happy, thrilled, excited i am that we are going to disneyland in two days.
i don't just love disneyland.
I LOVE DISNEYLAND!
we even went there on our honeymoon. i haven't been there since. so 7 years is long enough. now i am taking my daughter and she will see the happiest place on earth. and she will have no idea what is happening, but i don't care. i will know what is happening.
did i mention that i am going to disneyland?
i don't just love disneyland.
I LOVE DISNEYLAND!
we even went there on our honeymoon. i haven't been there since. so 7 years is long enough. now i am taking my daughter and she will see the happiest place on earth. and she will have no idea what is happening, but i don't care. i will know what is happening.
did i mention that i am going to disneyland?
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
mommy
i hear it every day now. first thing in the morning, if i don't get her, i hear her complaining to daddy - "mommy, mommy, mommy".
there were so many days when i didn't think i would ever hear that word in reference to me. such a sad thought for me. i would never be somebody's mommy.
those were dark, desperate days.
i remember one sunday afternoon, i had just started my cycle (again), much to my disappointment. so, i was trying to process that information. i was late that month, so my hopes were starting to rise - "maybe..." all morning, i sat in church, waiting for help, peace, reassurance... anything to make it better. i had made it through service with my smile on, trying to avoid anyone who actually knows me and knows when i am faking it. when we made it home, i fell apart. i wept that day, shawn wept with me.
we realized we had been fighting in our own corners. each of us were afraid to weigh the other one down with our sorrow and grief. but we were alone together. each by ourselves, but fighting the same darkness.
there was a party that day for a one year old, and we were on our way. so there was no time for blotchy faces and pity parties. back on with the smile. "i will cry later" i thought.
we were picking up a friend because her husband wasn't able to make it. before we got in the car she gave me a big hug - "I AM PREGNANT!".
my God, i thought i would die.
not because i wasn't happy for her. i was so happy for her. but my heart was raw and i wasn't coping well already. but there we were, in my front yard and i needed to be a good friend and show her how happy i was for her.
looking back now, i am sure i could have told her that i was having one of the worst days of my life, and i was so very happy for her, but so desperately sad for me. i am sure she could have handled it, but i didn't do that. i sat in the front seat and stared at the floor trying to keep myself from having a total breakdown.
then we arrived at the party of 1,000 babies and pregnant bellies.
this was not my finest hour. i didn't say much. i kept to myself - which i am not usually very good at. but this was it. i had nothing left to pray. i had no more bargains, no more deals to make with God. either i reconciled that i would never have children, or i would have to continue on the ride of hope, not knowing whether it would ever turn out or not.
the other day, i was thinking about that scripture "he who hopes in me will never be disappointed" and i thought to myself "he who hopes in my will never be disappointed -forever". i was disappointed in the moment, i was disappointed many times. but not now. now, i am not disappointed.
i won't be disappointed forever, just sometimes, for the moment.
and in that moment, i decide who i will be. will i trust? will i let Him win? will i give in to bitterness and the decay that follows? will rot in my jealousy and rail against my creator?
we won't know until we get there. but i was mad and i did rant for a few minutes and He is a big guy, He can handle it. but, of course at the end of the day i am left with the disciples who said "where else will we go? you alone have the words of life"
i didn't run that part of the race perfectly, and honestly, i am not really looking forward to the playback i will undoubtedly get on judgement day, but i learned, and i am better for it.
and now, two babies later. i hear my most beautiful title everyday. "mommy". and even when it is in that special whiny tone that makes my back teeth hurt, it is still the most beautiful name i have ever been called.
and today, i am not disappointed.
there were so many days when i didn't think i would ever hear that word in reference to me. such a sad thought for me. i would never be somebody's mommy.
those were dark, desperate days.
i remember one sunday afternoon, i had just started my cycle (again), much to my disappointment. so, i was trying to process that information. i was late that month, so my hopes were starting to rise - "maybe..." all morning, i sat in church, waiting for help, peace, reassurance... anything to make it better. i had made it through service with my smile on, trying to avoid anyone who actually knows me and knows when i am faking it. when we made it home, i fell apart. i wept that day, shawn wept with me.
we realized we had been fighting in our own corners. each of us were afraid to weigh the other one down with our sorrow and grief. but we were alone together. each by ourselves, but fighting the same darkness.
there was a party that day for a one year old, and we were on our way. so there was no time for blotchy faces and pity parties. back on with the smile. "i will cry later" i thought.
we were picking up a friend because her husband wasn't able to make it. before we got in the car she gave me a big hug - "I AM PREGNANT!".
my God, i thought i would die.
not because i wasn't happy for her. i was so happy for her. but my heart was raw and i wasn't coping well already. but there we were, in my front yard and i needed to be a good friend and show her how happy i was for her.
looking back now, i am sure i could have told her that i was having one of the worst days of my life, and i was so very happy for her, but so desperately sad for me. i am sure she could have handled it, but i didn't do that. i sat in the front seat and stared at the floor trying to keep myself from having a total breakdown.
then we arrived at the party of 1,000 babies and pregnant bellies.
this was not my finest hour. i didn't say much. i kept to myself - which i am not usually very good at. but this was it. i had nothing left to pray. i had no more bargains, no more deals to make with God. either i reconciled that i would never have children, or i would have to continue on the ride of hope, not knowing whether it would ever turn out or not.
the other day, i was thinking about that scripture "he who hopes in me will never be disappointed" and i thought to myself "he who hopes in my will never be disappointed -forever". i was disappointed in the moment, i was disappointed many times. but not now. now, i am not disappointed.
i won't be disappointed forever, just sometimes, for the moment.
and in that moment, i decide who i will be. will i trust? will i let Him win? will i give in to bitterness and the decay that follows? will rot in my jealousy and rail against my creator?
we won't know until we get there. but i was mad and i did rant for a few minutes and He is a big guy, He can handle it. but, of course at the end of the day i am left with the disciples who said "where else will we go? you alone have the words of life"
i didn't run that part of the race perfectly, and honestly, i am not really looking forward to the playback i will undoubtedly get on judgement day, but i learned, and i am better for it.
and now, two babies later. i hear my most beautiful title everyday. "mommy". and even when it is in that special whiny tone that makes my back teeth hurt, it is still the most beautiful name i have ever been called.
and today, i am not disappointed.
Friday, April 15, 2011
my gift
everyone of us should have someone in our lives that says "that is not like you". this of course implies that they know you well enough to remind you what you should be like, what the best version of yourself is.
my mom did that for me a few years ago. i am a naturally positive person, but i was surrounded by a lot of negativity, and i was forgetting optimism and getting sucked into the gloom and doom scenario's of life.
and that is when that little phrase "that is not who you are" popped in. and this is exactly what she said:
"you are, and have always been my daughter of joy. it is a gift and you need to steward it. right now you are squandering it, and forgetting who you are"
i am not saying that to say "look at me, i am so positive and happy", but i am saying that each of us were given gifts when we were brought into this world. and there is a thief that is constantly out to steal and destroy it. my gift is to bring the positive side to any scenario, and to look for solutions. by giving in to negativity i have allowed the world around me to snuff my gift and turn me into a grey automaton like the rest of those who have walked away from their gift.
until someone was ready to fight for me. and she did. and then i did. and we all must.
my husband, is another example. he is brilliant - but somewhere, deep inside, he started believing the lie that he was stupid. which is crazy to think if you have spent even a few minutes with him. when he saw the lie and he spoke the truth, it changed him and it is continuing to change him.
so now, i am spending my life with people trying to find their God-given gifts, and then speaking that truth with them so they can offer themselves to the world around them.
and my daughters...well, i know them. and i know what to say when their time comes. they are gifts, both of them, with different stories to tell.
and today, emma's gift seems to be to find every possible way to be within two square inches of me, and to find as many things that she shouldn't touch as she possibly can.
my gift.
my mom did that for me a few years ago. i am a naturally positive person, but i was surrounded by a lot of negativity, and i was forgetting optimism and getting sucked into the gloom and doom scenario's of life.
and that is when that little phrase "that is not who you are" popped in. and this is exactly what she said:
"you are, and have always been my daughter of joy. it is a gift and you need to steward it. right now you are squandering it, and forgetting who you are"
i am not saying that to say "look at me, i am so positive and happy", but i am saying that each of us were given gifts when we were brought into this world. and there is a thief that is constantly out to steal and destroy it. my gift is to bring the positive side to any scenario, and to look for solutions. by giving in to negativity i have allowed the world around me to snuff my gift and turn me into a grey automaton like the rest of those who have walked away from their gift.
until someone was ready to fight for me. and she did. and then i did. and we all must.
my husband, is another example. he is brilliant - but somewhere, deep inside, he started believing the lie that he was stupid. which is crazy to think if you have spent even a few minutes with him. when he saw the lie and he spoke the truth, it changed him and it is continuing to change him.
so now, i am spending my life with people trying to find their God-given gifts, and then speaking that truth with them so they can offer themselves to the world around them.
and my daughters...well, i know them. and i know what to say when their time comes. they are gifts, both of them, with different stories to tell.
and today, emma's gift seems to be to find every possible way to be within two square inches of me, and to find as many things that she shouldn't touch as she possibly can.
my gift.
Monday, March 28, 2011
and i'll sing once more
i loved singing when i was growing up. so much so, that i decided to become a real, certified singer when it was time to go to college. four years later i walked out of there with my degree in classical voice. and i lost my love for singing in the process.
it was sad. i didn't really want to practice anymore. i had practiced so much, it became a way of life, a profession, and a practice, but not a passion. i also had some pretty bad performance experiences - singing in the wrong language, losing my place and screwing up a whole orchestra, forgetting my words, etc... and then the constant pressure to be ready to sing at all times, i don't know, i lost my love for it somewhere along the way. i stopped humming around the house, i compared myself to other singers and realized that there were so many people more talented than i was. it wasn't just humbling, it changed me, it stopped me.
that is sad isn't it?
i kept singing, not really with my heart, but with my training for many years. but when shawn and i started dating, we went to a concert of Handel's Messiah. he was fascinated with everything. he still had the wonder of music, and when i watched the show through his eyes, i remembered why i loved music in the first place. i think that is when i started humming again.
who cares that i don't sound like a pop-star? i have never really been great at gospel music, but i can rock a disney tune or a musical number if i should decide to.
we are experiencing a renaissance of musical theatre (thank you high school musical and glee), so i am in fashion again. and i actually love it again.
i am dreaming about music, and i think the Lord may just use some of these dreams to bring our community into our church building. He just might.
when i teach students, i tell them to go home and hum to themselves until they like the sound of their own voice in their heads. i think i should take my own advice and see if i can recover my long lost love of all things musical.
it was sad. i didn't really want to practice anymore. i had practiced so much, it became a way of life, a profession, and a practice, but not a passion. i also had some pretty bad performance experiences - singing in the wrong language, losing my place and screwing up a whole orchestra, forgetting my words, etc... and then the constant pressure to be ready to sing at all times, i don't know, i lost my love for it somewhere along the way. i stopped humming around the house, i compared myself to other singers and realized that there were so many people more talented than i was. it wasn't just humbling, it changed me, it stopped me.
that is sad isn't it?
i kept singing, not really with my heart, but with my training for many years. but when shawn and i started dating, we went to a concert of Handel's Messiah. he was fascinated with everything. he still had the wonder of music, and when i watched the show through his eyes, i remembered why i loved music in the first place. i think that is when i started humming again.
who cares that i don't sound like a pop-star? i have never really been great at gospel music, but i can rock a disney tune or a musical number if i should decide to.
we are experiencing a renaissance of musical theatre (thank you high school musical and glee), so i am in fashion again. and i actually love it again.
i am dreaming about music, and i think the Lord may just use some of these dreams to bring our community into our church building. He just might.
when i teach students, i tell them to go home and hum to themselves until they like the sound of their own voice in their heads. i think i should take my own advice and see if i can recover my long lost love of all things musical.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
a spontaneous kind of a day
we needed to go into vancouver today to pick up my new permanent resident card, which is really cool by the way it looks like a little piece of art. grandma and grandpa had the girls so we were just a happily married couple on a nice day in vancouver. we had planned on going to dinner after that anyway so we got in the car and shawn said "want to go have dinner in Whistler?" ummm....yeah. so, on goes our audio book - our favorite thing is to drive and listen to audiobooks (does that make us nerds?), and we are off on the sea to sky highway.
i have had a hard couple of days in my brain. some setbacks, some confusion and some things that really frustrated me were pounding on my brain, keeping me awake at night and running my brain like a little gerbil on a wheel. but then we started driving up that mountain. the same mountain we drove up right at the beginning of our relationship with christmas music playing and snow and water and mountains...oh...just amazing. i couldn't stay frustrated, i fired the gerbil and i let it go. kay - sa - rah - sa- rah. in a two hour drive my mind unwound like i had been on a two day vacation from life.
it makes be believe in the sovereignty of God. He knew i would have a hard week. He knew i couldn't process while running after the kids and keeping our house somewhat liveable. He gave me today, and i am so thankful.
who cares about all that stuff? it is minor compared to the fact that I have an awesome husband, two beautiful children and a God who loves me enough to sweep me away to Whistler at just the moment that I needed it.
I am loved, I am seen, I feel heard and now I am going to bed. Thanks God.
i have had a hard couple of days in my brain. some setbacks, some confusion and some things that really frustrated me were pounding on my brain, keeping me awake at night and running my brain like a little gerbil on a wheel. but then we started driving up that mountain. the same mountain we drove up right at the beginning of our relationship with christmas music playing and snow and water and mountains...oh...just amazing. i couldn't stay frustrated, i fired the gerbil and i let it go. kay - sa - rah - sa- rah. in a two hour drive my mind unwound like i had been on a two day vacation from life.
it makes be believe in the sovereignty of God. He knew i would have a hard week. He knew i couldn't process while running after the kids and keeping our house somewhat liveable. He gave me today, and i am so thankful.
who cares about all that stuff? it is minor compared to the fact that I have an awesome husband, two beautiful children and a God who loves me enough to sweep me away to Whistler at just the moment that I needed it.
I am loved, I am seen, I feel heard and now I am going to bed. Thanks God.
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