Leave it all on the floor

We just finished the bedtime sprint. I have a love/hate relationship with bedtime. As with many things in parenting, I have ideas of what something should look like but the reality just feels like a deeply troubling science project that went horribly wrong.

When I imagine bedtime, I think of sweet interactions with deep questions being posed and attentive ears ready to listen. I think this imagination has been fuelled by some well written books about parenting. There is a definite sense that bedtime can be a magical world of family bonding. 

Enter my reality. There are four small children, all bearing the last name Harvey, that have just finished dinner and fuelled up for what can only be described as nighttime hysterics. They have been instructed to stop running laps around our upstairs portion of our house and to retire to the basement of the house where bath time will commence. This seemingly simple idea takes at least 20 minutes. Everyone needs to run just one more lap, they need to tell me something, they need to tell daddy something (or some-phing if you are Samuel Harvey), they need to gather some supplies and play one more time with the toys they haven't touched all day. 

Once we are downstairs, they need to do a naked lap or two. This is a real thing in our house. It is some kind of primitive exercise in exhibitionism mind you, but it is a real thing. One of our children, a boy, not named Samuel, takes a particular delight in this little ritual. He throws his clothing and restraint to the wind and off he goes at full speed with the cutest little bottom in town running circles around our basement. No neighbours can see in at this point, so Shawn and I take this moment to hug each other and rally our strength for phase two of the bedtime ritual.

Once all children are gathered and placed (or dropped depending on the night) in the bathtub, the bathing process commences. While the children are in the tub, we gather jammies and towels and listen for the sound of the inevitable tsunami that will occur and result in much tongue clucking and scolding about how we are not at a water park, and this is not a slide. 

"OUT OF THE TUB, ALL OF YOU!"

One by one, freshly towel-ed bodies are paraded to their bedrooms where dry pyjamas are pulled over wet skin, with instructions like this: "Focus please, you need to focus. Come back here. no more naked laps, we are done, get back here. These Jammies are fine, you wore the other ones last night so they are in the wash. I know Isaac usually wears these but tonight you get to...lucky you! These Jammies, these are fine. Stop moving, hold still, I can't get this over your foot...." 

Now I am sweating and there are three more. 

Now we brush our teeth. Some genius called Mom decided that it would be fun to buy toothbrushes that light up for 60 seconds while they brush so they know when to stop (they really should run these ideas by actual parents in real time, but no one asked so here we are). The overhead lights have to go off and we have a full blown toothbrush disco party in the dark with lights flashing and some teeth getting clean while mom and dad are just trying to figure out how to keep things moving along. 

Now we spit.  This is disgusting. Children who cannot reach the sink should not be spitting. We have pink and blue toothpaste and by the time we are done there are pastel ribbons all over the counter and basin of the sink. 

Ok, to bed! (I can see the finish line from here, but I feel the bedtime magic pressure right here, right now) 

I want our kids to be readers. This is the time to make it happen. We should read books, they should read books, we should talk about Bible stories and ask questions like "how do you spell Zacch-ee-uss?" We should sing pretty songs and have deep eye contact while leaving the door of opportunity open to hear about any difficulties or heart issues they might be experiencing. 

This is where it should happen and sometimes it does. Sometimes, I have the best of mom moments and we have meaningful discussions and we giggle and feel so rich. 

Other times I sing at super speed, its the full song, but double time. Or I read the most simple book, or we turn their bedside lights on and they can look at books while I wander around my basement trying to find the energy I lost in the last 30 minutes. 

Sometimes, I have nothing left so they get a "Jesus we pray for a good sleep, all good dreams and no bad dreams in Jesus name. Goodnight girls, love you so much, stay in bed OR ELSE." kind of bedtime routine. 

Here's the deal. On those nights, I think I have nothing left because I left it all over our house. I hear athletes telling each other to "leave it all on the floor", and that is what we do. All of us. Everyday. We leave it all on the floor. 

It is our messy living room floor where we ate toast for breakfast while watching Daniel Tiger's Neighbourhood. On top of the toast crumbs are the Hot Wheels cars that the boys played with right next to the dolls and the blankets that were carried out of the playrooms by children who just wanted to be near me. 

Today, all of my energy went to feeding them and keeping them alive and hopefully happy. 

I have a hard time remembering where my time goes when I am home with them all day. I do remember that I got climbed on, elbows in my legs as they made their ascent up to my lap. I remember that my toes got slammed into with their ride-on cars as they drifted around the corner in the kitchen. I remember that I navigated all four of them trying to "help" me make smoothies this morning, each one trying to be the first to push the button and I was just trying to get the lid on before there was smoothie on my ceiling. At one point I heard water running, (never a good thing) I went into the bathroom only to find that Alina had coached Samuel up onto the counter and had his head in a sink full of water because she wanted to give him a "bow-hawk". He also managed to knock a picture off of the wall and break the frame. It was a little hard to get mad at that dripping face since he was so proud of his hair do, so I just passed on the whole getting mad thing. 

I also remember that each of them, in their own special way found time to tell me that that they loved me. Samuel comes through the room, walks by, backs up and says "Mommy, I just wuvf you". Isaac climbs over the back of my chair and lands upside down on my shoulder and with a yelling whisper that sends shivers down my spine says he loves me too. Alina makes me cards on anything she can find and writes her signature "Alina love Mommy". If she is particularly affectionate, she will find an envelope and put in the mailbox while I am freaking out about why the front door is open. Emma will climb on my lap the moment I sit down, every time, and snuggle with me. It is our favourite thing. 

It all sounds so fuzzy and sweet as I sit here in my quiet house. I smile to myself just thinking of them. Their sweet little filthy faces and their mischevious ways. Today it felt like they had 4 sets of hand each. They were busy. They were crazy. They woke up ready to keep me fully employed in crisis management all day long. 

On days like today, I just wonder what their memories will report when they get older. I wonder what they will remember of dinner time, of bed time. I always worry that they will remember my low moments when the crazy version of mom ruled supreme. Of course I hope they will remember the times that I had the energy to sit and read and have meaningful conversations with them while they were tucked sweetly in their beds.

Either way, I will remember them like they were today. Wild, energetic, loud and all mine. 

Tomorrow we start again. They are early risers, these Harvey kids. We clock in around 6 or 6:30 every morning. One by one they will make their way to our bedroom, climb painfully, with elbows and knees everywhere, onto our bed. We will snuggle for three or four glorious moments and then it begins: 

What is for breakfast? Can I have the iPad? How come I never get the iPad? Mommy get up. I need to go potty. Daddy, can I have some water? Can I have some water RIGHT NOW?" 

sigh. 

Wash, rinse, repeat. 

I will miss these years. I already look at videos and wonder what happened to my toddlers? They have been replaced by semi-articulate little people that are full of thoughts and sentiments that surprise me daily. I will miss the madness. Although I am sure those of you with older kids will assure me that the madness just takes on different forms.

                                                                                      I will take my madness for today. I have left it all on the floor. I am going to bed a satisfied, tired, bruised and sticky mommy. 

Tomorrow? Bring it on!

Free writing #1

When I was in college I took a writing class. I enjoyed it so much I repeated the class in my last year just for fun. It goes to show you that you never quite know when something you are obliged to do, such as taking electives in college, turns into a joy.

In this class I learned about a practice among writers called free writing. It includes writing, ahem...yes,  WRITING with a pencil (I used to have a dent in my long finger from writing)  in a spiral notebook. The idea is that you write without editing yourself and see what happens. This would include some very strange side thoughts while landing on whatever topic you were writing on. This proves to be a fun, and random wander through all the things the writer may be thinking about. It is a bunch of nonsense that usually ends up being a roadmap to a good thought. Who knew this would become a foundation for almost every other creative process I would find myself in in the years to come.

It is similar to brainstorming, you throw out everything that comes to mind without edits. As you review you throw out the bad and keep the good. The benefit in writing is that you can come across some really nicely written phrases if you don't break your thought by wondering if it is a good one.

Anywhoo...I kind of thought it would be fun to free write every once in a while. If you are not interested in the day by day stuff that is going on, you may want to stop here. But if you are up for a funny little drive through my memories, read on. I think in the original instructions for free writing  said not to worry about paragraphs, spelling or even punctuation but that bothers me so I will include said helpful reading tools. I may not capitalize, sorry about that.

Here goes:

January, what day is it? 17th, Sunday. I am normally at church but three of the four kids are sick so here I am, at home again this Sunday. Samuel so happily declared himself to be feeling better as he chugged half of a water bottle downstairs, then proceeded to vomit the entire contents immediately. best part? he did the deed then kept walking right on top of it as though it never happened. that child is irrepressible.

alina went to church with her dad, she is a quality time kind of kid so that is a treat for her. at last text, she was quite happily climbing all over shawn revelling in his entire attention span. he of course is trying to participate in worship, but that is not going to happen. emma has dandruff.  i don't know how to treat that in kids, i will look it up after i am done here.

i have much on my mind these days. i am actively working to rout out discouragement from my life. i really dislike how it gets under my skin and robs me of everyday function. I will spend some time on that soon and try to plan out how to fight it more effectively.

right now the kids are fresh out of the bath. my favourite, or my fr-ave-rite if i was isaac. they love the tub and i appreciate its wet-play-pen affect so i can get some things done. also they have been sick so this is a nice reset to the smell in our house. tomorrow we disinfect.

it cracks me up how involved isaac gets in shows. Wild Kratts is on TV right now, some whale chasing some shark and isaac is up on his knees yelling at the tv "NOOOOOO!" when one of them is about to get eaten, I forget who is lower on the food chain. oh, the orca. they just said it. it cracks me up that we talk about the food chain in our family. actually many of the things we talk about in our family crack me up. This is my key to enjoying parenting, humour. kids are hysterical or annoying, depending on how you look at it.

alina has decided that yelling will be her weapon of choice when it comes to fighting with the others. this often backfires. the kids push and push her, then she cracks and they just look at her like "whatisyourproblem?" then she becomes the problem. i totally get it. how is it that i apologize when someone else blows up? I don't know, but i do it all the time. me and alina, we get each other.

i sat down to watch videos of the kids the other day. the beauty of videos is that i am not as tired as i was when i filmed them. it is pure nostalgia and i wish i could reach through the screen and squeeze those little faces and kiss those little cheeks. but it is still fresh enough that i remember being crazy with sleep deprivation. i am glad for the look back but i sure appreciate being well rested.

it also makes me love my little tribe so much. they were all so little. emma was not even three when the boys came, alina a little 17 month old, they were babies and i thought they were so big compared to the boys. those boys sure made some good big sisters. even now they lavish them with kisses and talk to them like they are babies and try to nuzzle their necks. this is not welcome to the boys but it makes me smile.

smiling. i love smiles. i love secret smiles caught on strangers faces. one day we were at the grocery store and when i put ice cream in the cart both boys put their arms straight up in the air like they had scored a touchdown and yelled "ICE CREAM". I giggled of course but so did about three other ladies in the frozen food section. i feel like these are the little ways that we all help each other get along in life. we share our communities together, we will never see each other again most likely, but today we share a funny little moment.

i love it when couples go grocery shopping together and they are teasing each other. it reminds me of when shawn and i went shopping for the first time after we got married. our house didn't come equipped with cleaning supplies, an ironing board or scotch tape, so we were off to the store. while at the store, shawn decided to make the most of it by annoying me, since he DOES NOT LIKE THE STORE, that is his emphasis not mine. so my cart was slowly being filled with essentials, flour, windex, etc... his was being filled with marshmallows, and an ironing board. while wandering the aisles he would yell two rows over at the top of his lungs "KERRRRRIIIIIIII - DO WE NEED NOODLES???" I would look around innocently and make a face like "someone's husband is cray cray". When we met at the front and paid out our $375.00 I looked in his cart and he had not one, not two, but three kinds of HOT DOG RELISH. I don't even eat hot dogs. I couldn't imagine on what planet we would need three kinds of hot dog relish. His response? Well, my parents always had three... it made sense, so three bottles of hot dog relish it was. these same bottles of relish made it to the move out of our first house four years later. i actually had a hard time throwing them out since they made me smile everytime I looked at them.

I love that guy.

I need to pay attention to my children and the laundry so off i go. Thanks for stopping by.

Meanwhile here are some fun pictures of when we were first married:

my favourite picture from our wedding

he is tolerating me here

It is blurry, but I love this picture

I am here, I have been here, I just went quiet for awhile. Here is why:

It is the New Year. I am not sure what the simple turn of the calendar actually does, but it seems to make us all feel like it is time for a fresh start. The criticisms for resolutions aside, I welcome the chance to evaluate and reflect on what is working in my life and what isn't.

I haven't been blogging. I am not sure why, I think somewhere in my internal wanderings I decided that it wasn't really that important. I forgot why I did it so I stopped. If I got really honest with my insides I think I would have to confess I gave into some fears and insecurities. It is a vulnerable thing to put your thoughts out for the general public, such as it is, to read. Now that I think about it, I seem to remember reading a few popular blogs and enjoying them, only to go on to read the comments and think "Yikes! The internet public that sits in their own spaces and throws spears are pretty ruthless" I think I thought if that ever happened to me it would be very hurtful. (I haven't escaped great criticism, I just haven't made it to the big scary world with my blog where people forget that a human is behind the words)

Which leads me to an observation about insecurity and courage. I don't believe for a moment that people don't struggle with insecurity at some level. We all show it differently, some wear it on their sleeves, some are passive aggressive with comments, some sit in the safety of their home and criticize someone who took the time to write down their thoughts. Insecurity doesn't work well in a vacuum. It always wants someone to share in its misery. I think sometimes we feel small in our insecurity, so the reasonable course of action seems to be to puff ourselves up and roar. It is not a cure, it is just wearing a different outfit.

Insecurity and I have been in the ring for most of my life. There have been whole seasons of my life that I would describe myself as "paralyzed with insecurity and fear". When I tell people this they seem surprised. Overall,  I am confident, I can speak or sing in front of large crowds, I usually have clear thoughts and I am not afraid to share them. This of course does not mean that I don't worry that I have said the wrong thing, hurt someone, or worry that at the end of the day they don't like me or respect me.

I only say this to explain that it doesn't matter how bubbly, confident or strong a person looks, I believe we all struggle with the same questions: "Am I doing things right? Am I loved? Am I enough? Am I too much?"

Courage then, is the ability to turn it inside out. To stop caring primarily about what people say or think about me and focus on how I can help them, love them or encourage them. That may not sound courageous to you, but it sure does to me. Being others-centered is one of the bravest things we can be.

This brings me back to the purpose of my blog, which I forgot in the midst of my little bout with insecurity and fear...I started writing because I love writing. I love the idea that something that I think and take the time to write out might resonate with someone, even one person.  In that moment, we are friends, maybe partners working together to figure out what life is all about.

I also love to tell stories. Isn't it funny how the things we love to do become targets for doubt? Here is the truth, I feel silly telling my little stories. I hear a voice in my head saying "Is that all you've got? A story about your kids at the aquarium? It is simple, it is cliche, people all over your Facebook page are rolling their eyes right now" It feels simple, boring, like a big inside joke that no one feels like they want to sit through.

Back to courage. In this year, I am going to start blogging again on a regular basis. I am going to write what I like whether anyone reads it or not, whether I can hear the collective rolling of the eyes or not. I will acknowledge that people don't have to read my ramblings. If I am not their cup of tea, they don't need to drink it.  I am going to write anyway and I am going to enjoy it. I am also going to push the "post" button, because maybe one of those blogs may help someone just like me that day to know that we all have our stuff and we are in it together.

I confess that one of my greatest joys is when someone sees me and says "I read your blog, it made me laugh (or cry)" In my own way, it makes me feel like I am helping.

One final note***I have talked about insecurity enough to know that most people will see an honest confession as a pull for a compliment. I super-duper absolutely do not mean this to be a cry for attention. I really mean it as an explanation for the handful of people who have, in passing, over the last few months said "Hey! you haven't blogged for awhile".

In the weeks to come, you can expect to hear my sappy, funny stories about how much I love my kids and how I am so grateful for my husband.  I will wander through the boxes of my brain and work on thoughts that will help me and hopefully you, work out our stuff together.

I am looking forward to our visits.

Most Sincerely,

A bold, fierce, insecure, intimidated, overcoming lover of God

PS: I am going to work on punctuation this year too. I need to figure out the semicolon; I am not sure how to use it; I am terrified of all those grammar nazi posts and wonder "what in the world do they think of my ....and "" and paragraph breaks at random places because I am feeling like you might stop reading if I don't give your eyes a break. Sorry about that. (not sure it is going to change)

Meanwhile, here are some sweet pictures of our Christmas:

Seedless

How about this for a random thought? The other day I was making plum jam. It takes a little bit of effort because you have to pit the plums to get them ready for the rest of the process. The whole thing can be a bit mindless, so I found myself thinking about seeds. Then watermelons. Then seedless watermelons. Where did seedless watermelons come from anyway? Why aren't other fruits seedless? Who thought to do that? Why did they do that? Are you following so far?

Why would they make watermelons seedless? Because seeds are inconvenient.

I snorted a little to myself with the realization. If ever there was a picture of a selfish generation it is the seedless watermelon. Isn't that what you think every time you eat a modern watermelon?

There is so much right going on in our generation (I mean the people breathing air on the planet right now), I will never be a doom sayer or a "what happened to the good ol' days" person. These are great days to be alive.

But try to have children and see what kind of conversations you get into. Or, for example, try to take your small tribe of 6 to an ice cream parlour and watch a 70 year old couple take one look at you and your little army and rush to cut in line so they don't have to waste their time while each child decides if they want bubble-gum or strawberrry. This is a true story from my summer and it isn't an isolated one.

Some people struggle when children enter the scene. I totally understand.

They are loud.
They are demanding.
They can be aggressive.
They are so, so messy.
They are indecisive.
They don't let you sleep when you want to.
They don't let you sit down when you want to.
They kind of require that you are the grown up, and you don't really get to be the spoiled one. Kind of, ever.

They point out, seemingly at every turn, how much their presence requires me to "get over myself" and do what is right for them.

It almost seems easier to just not.

Why would we put ourselves through this? Day after day. I am a feeding, cleaning, negotiation machine. I am tired and overwhelmed often.

What is the point?

The point is that in every way, I am a better person because I am a parent.

My desire for comfort and prominence are a never ending machine that will never be satisfied.

I want new furniture.
I want a new kitchen.
I want to sleep through the night and take naps on a fairly regular basis.
I want to be successful.
I want to be noticed for my giftings and talents.
I want quiet.
I want to go to a restaurant without apologizing for the mess on the floor.
I want my home to stay clean.
I want to read a book, all day long.

I could go on, but I think you see. I, I, I. Me, Me, Me.

I don't have to work to be like this. I just am. I have to work to NOT be like this. The kids just help me see it ALL DAY LONG. EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE.

I have to say that it isn't just having children though. If you are going to care about others at all, ever and learn to put others needs above your own, I promise you will have an uphill battle.

The truth is, we could be seedless. We could let our lives continue to be filled with very little trouble or inconvenience. We could pad our life in such a way that nothing disturbs our space or time with its loud announcement that we are not actually the epicentre of the universe. Or we could press into the inconvenience. We could understand that fighting for our own rights really just makes us fussy, angry people in the end anyway.

Maybe this is why Jesus said in Luke 17:33

"Whoever seeks to save his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it."

I feel the press in me all the time. Will I seek to save my life - or the way of life that I think will bring me the most joy? Or will I allow myself to give my life, my time, my gifts, my value, to others and trust that my needs will be met as I meet the needs of others? 


I value life. I especially value four particular miracles that can, at times, cause me a great amount of discomfort. But I will not be seedless just for the sake of a few more naps every month. 

I pray that we will all take a few minutes to look at the "inconveniences" in our life and see if they are put there to make us into the person we actually want to be. 

Aging in the New Year

It is the New Year, time for new beginnings and a time to reflect a little about the passing of time. I got a little head start because I started a new skincare regimen that is full of promises to reverse the signs of aging, diminish fine lines and wrinkles, etc. I guess because I am paying a little more attention to my skin I am actually looking in the mirror more these days. I have looked in the mirror every day for years when I get ready but lately I have been looking and assessing the toll these past few years have taken on me. It is hard to say if I look ragged because I have had four kids in 2.5 years, or if I look ragged because that just happens as you get older.

I notice that I have some furrow marks over my eyebrows and little rivits at the top of my nose that I don't remember seeing before. I am pretty sure my eyes have sunken in a little bit from sleep deprivation. The crows feet by my eyes I don't mind so much, I see them as trophies for all of the good laughing spells. That goes for the little lines over my lips, I am pretty sure they are there because I whistle. Whistling is happy and cute, if I get wrinkles because of the habit, so be it. 

What I am not ok with is the strange turkey like neck that is developing under my chin. I am starting to notice that my neck takes a few seconds longer to turn when my face does because there is an extra inch or two of skin beginning to swallow my chin and working hard to make my neck and face one happy couple. Where did my jawline go? 

I look at my dad, my mom, pictures of other family members and they all have this little neck issue. My dad actually told one of my kids that he was slowly turning into a turkey when they asked him what happened to his neck. Thanks for that dad, the kids are scarred for life. Little do they know that one day they will turn into a turkey too. 

Noooooo! I quietly yell at the mirror when I see it happening to me. I am pretty sure that not even fancy Retinoid filled lotion is going to slow my disintegration into a poultry necked mother of four. Dumb genes.  

I am a 44 year old woman. I am a 44 year old woman with four children under 5. If you know me, you know that I am grateful everyday for these little souls. I don't care how old I am, I am just grateful to have them. But in my own little insecure wanderings I hope that my kids are proud of me even as they get older. I never want them to think they have an old mom.

All of this has me thinking about age, aging and what kind of person I want to be as I grow older. The truth is, there is very little that I can actually do to slow or stop the effects of time as it marches over my complexion. Lotions and potions help, proper eating and exercise...sure...but they can't stop it all together.

I study people all the time so I have started a list of things that I think make a soul pretty. I suppose that it could also be a list of things that age a soul or make it less pretty so that will weave in I am sure. These points are compiled based on what I see in those souls that I see aging gracefully. They are the ones I want to be like. 

1. They are grateful - Nothing ages a person like complaining, and IT IS SO EASY TO DO! The older I get, the more things that I notice that are wrong. It is easy to get fussy and want things just so. I love grateful people. They don't worry when things go wrong, they are just happy to be there. They say thank you

often, and fight that downward spiral into negativity and entitlement.

2. They live in a state of wonder - they are determined to learn, from everything from everyone. They never stop being amazed at the world we live in. They never get familiar with the people that they go through life with. They never take on a know it all attitude. Every person they encounter has something new to offer and to teach. These people are life-long learners and life is their classroom. It almost feels like they have front row seats to their own existence and they are ready to jump to their feet for a round of applause at any moment. 

3. They are cheerleaders for those around them - My husband, Shawn rode in a big bike race last fall. The race started in downtown Vancouver and ended at the top of Whistler, BC. He rode his bike for 7 hours straight up the side of a mountain. I was beside myself with excitement for him. I felt so much joy and pride when he crossed the finish line. Before that happened though, I stood as hundreds of other riders went by. I stood with family members that were waiting for their dads, sons, daughters and wives to cross the  line. For awhile I found a shady spot to watch and wait. Then I noticed an older couple with signs that read "Go Steve" and "Go Todd". This couple cheered for at least an hour for EVERY SINGLE RIDER that went past them. They yelled things like "YOU DID IT!" "YOU ARE AMAZING!" "WAY TO DO IT!"...on and on these two went. Cheering as though every rider was their own flesh and blood. That is when I saw it...these riders, exhausted, thirsty, hungry and ready to be finished heard these two strangers telling them that they could do it, and all of a sudden they would smile and strength would come back into their legs and they would kick it one more time before they crossed the finish line. I was so moved by the whole thing that I found myself jumping and clapping for strangers too "YOU ARE ALMOST THERE!" "ONE MORE CORNER AND YOU DID IT!" and these strangers would look at me, half smile and kick it one more time, up and out of sight across the finish line. By the time Shawn and his team got to me, I was hoarse but so happy. I felt like I was a vital part of the race.  I think it is easy as we get older to get full of opinions and freely give unsolicited (sometimes unwelcome) advice. I am determined to cheer for others and encourage them as they make their decisions. Everyone can give advice, but how many people actually take time to encourage others and give them that extra strength they need to get around an issue? Encouraging people are beautiful souls. I want to be more like that. 

4. They choose joy - I will never forget the day I was talking to a woman who was in her eighties and I was telling her how much I appreciate her joy. She smiled sweetly and said "It's a choice". We all have hard things that come our way. We all have reasons to be intense and grumpy, but if we look we can always find reasons to be happy too. It's a choice, always has been, always will be. 

5. They notice people - I will never forget the feeling of being a young adult and the overwhelming realization that I couldn't live at home forever and get free meals at my parents house. I was in a mentoring program during that time and I felt so overwhelmed by my own immaturity, disorganization and overall lack of understanding of how the world around me worked. In the middle of this, one of the pastors in the church walked up to me one day and said "Keri, you are a thoroughbred - meant to run". I think I was having a particularly hard day that day and I remember hearing 1,000 arguments in my head against his kind words and yet those words sunk to the deepest place of my heart and began to transform me. He, along with my parents and many others, believed in me before I believed in myself. They were patient with me, they spoke words of life over me and encouraged me when I felt like giving up.  They taught me that every person is worth noticing whether we see their value immediately or not. There are so many surprises out there if we will take the time to see them.

I fear this is starting to turn into an epistle, so I will end. I will continue to work on my enlarged pores and other tell tale signs that I am not in my twenties anymore. My hope is that the work I am doing to keep my soul rich will swallow the aging process and inside beauty will do its work.  Here's to you 2015 - I will turn 45 under your watch, if I do this right I will get younger and younger with every passing month. I welcome you and all that you bring.  Let's do this. 

Thank You

I am going to post two blogs today, this one will be very short.  I want to take a minute and say thank you to those of you who read my ramblings. Blogging is a strange experience. I sit in my dining room for a few minutes at a time until something takes shape. I read and re-read, then hit share. I never know who reads it, who will share it, who will comment or who will be impacted by these little rabbit trails I send out to the internet. I am always blessed and encouraged when someone finds me to tell me that they could relate to something I wrote, or that they appreciate my honesty. 

Sometimes I wonder if anyone actually does read it other than my family. Then someone will see me at church, at the grocery store or send me a private message to let me know that what I am going through hit a nerve with their own personal experience. 

It means a lot to me that we can do life together even if we don't see each other on a regular basis. I hope we can do more of it in the future. 

I pray that this year is full of "more than you could hope for or dream of" kind of blessings, new and exciting adventures, and for the restoring of hopes and dreams that have been stolen. 

Thanks for sharing the journey with me. 

Keri

All is calm

We did it. Christmas 2014 is in the bag. The boys are napping, the girls are watching a Christmas movie and I am sitting at the dining room table with my cold coffee. Cold coffee is the name of the game for this mama, I don't even mind it any more. 

I am thinking about how important rest is. Last week had so many details, last minute meetings and plans to be executed. By Friday, I admit, I was a frazzled mess. We had church concerts with costumes, school concerts with costumes, class parties, work parties and family coming for the holidays. Everything was fun, I enjoyed the events, but all of the preparation took its toll. I am not a naturally organized person but I have learned to be organized because I hate crisis. Most of the time I can spin quite a few plates without dropping any, but when I get stressed the first thing to go is my ability to remember details. 

The stand out moment for me was on Wednesday. Both of our girls were sick at home with fevers. I was pleased with myself because I remembered to bring presents for the teachers (as a new school mom I didn't get to it last year, I admit it never really crossed my mind). But this year I remembered - yay me! So there I stood, outside the pre-school door, ready to tell the teachers that Alina was sick but "look! I make cookies for you!"

I was a little early, so as I was waiting I noticed the other moms coming to drop off their children with their own presents for the teachers. I also noticed that they had platters of fruit and cookies for the other kids....my mind was spinning because I started to realize that while I had remembered to bring presents I had forgotten one other little detail...it was the Christmas party for the class and I was supposed to bring juice boxes. 

While I was standing there quietly berating myself for signing up then walking away from that clipboard and immediately forgetting, another mom walked up with what could only be described as a cucumber Christmas tree. It was a Pinterest wonderland on a plate. Sliced cucumbers piled perfectly into a triangle, replete with a tomato garland. It just screamed "I took time with this, I planned, perused Pinterest, went to the store, got up early or stayed up late to make this very special little something for my kid and his friends." (Let me pause here to say that if you are a "cucumber mom" - I admire you, please keep it up. I love how you show your love for your kids. We all have our strengths, cucumber trees and crafting in general is not mine)

Forgetting juice boxes isn't that big of a deal of course. The teachers were sweet, they let me off of the hook and made me feel like they understood. But I think the whole moment served as a cruel metaphor in the mom-shame department. It was a moment of inadequacy and it hit at the precise moment when my heart was ready for a good scolding from the "here is everything that is wrong with you" coach in my mind. 

There were a few more moments over the next couple of days... add a couple of frustrating interactions with people, lack of sleep due to sick children and a meeting that went a little sideways and by Friday I was a mess. I was so tired inside and out. The soul damaging condemnation of all of the ways I was not enough during this season had taken its toll. 

I was frustrated and snapping at my family, everything felt ultimate and magnified. I can always tell when I am in a bad state like that when I see my husband and he has stopped, wide eyed and staring at me with a puzzled expression "What happened? Who is this crazy lady tearing around my house? What do I need to do to find my happy wife and mother to our children?" 

He gently said while I was running around the house, remaking beds and getting dinner ready..."You know, they are not coming to see the house they are coming to see us"

I know. I know. I know. 

I hate it when I get like that. I know I am not serving anyone. I know that I am setting a pretty crazy tone. But it is like a bad roller coaster and I can't seem to get off. It just has to play out. Beds still have to be made, mouths need food in them, presents need to be wrapped, events need planning and attending. 

Then somehow, it all works out. 

We feed everyone, we stay up until the wee hours of the morning to wrap presents and build the beautiful toys that we have been scheming about since the summer. Christmas music plays, the children sing their cute songs from school and the boys sing jingle bells in their jumbled and adorable two year old way. 

The kids get tucked into their beds, and we sing our songs. 

"What child is this who laid to rest on Mary's lap is sleeping"

"The first Noel the angels did say, was to certain poor shepherds in fields where they lay"

"Silent Night, Holy Night, all is calm, all is bright"

There in the quietness of our bedtime routine, Christmas happens.

It happens as I look in their eyes as they sing about the Christ child coming to save us from our sins. 

It happens when Alina sings "Silent night, Holy night, God is calm, God is bright" 

It happens when I read them story of the manger, the sheep, the mess, the kings and the star. 

It happens when I tell them that Jesus loved us so much that He gave us four miracles and then they list them in order...

Miracle #1 - Emma

Miracle #2 - Alina - our Christmas baby

Miracle #3 - Isaac

Miracle #4 - Samuel 

They know the story. Mommy and Daddy loved each other very much and they wanted children to share their lives with them, but they couldn't have children until Jesus did a miracle and gave them the answer to their prayers with four beautiful, loud, funny, captivating children. 

Christmas happens when I watch their daddy stay up until 2 AM finishing their dollhouse and train table just to make sure it is all just right when they wake up in the morning. 

It happened when I stood in the girls play room yesterday with grateful tears running down my face because I realized that for the first time in my selfish life I actually didn't care about gifts or anything material because I have a richer life than I could have possibly dreamed of. I was happy, grateful and reformed from my stressed out self. 

It is happening right now, as I sit here drinking my cold coffee in a quiet house with a content family. 

I am at rest. The events of last week are a blur and I really don't care anymore about the deadlines or the details. 

Next year will probably be the same. I can't imagine things slowing down before the holidays. There will still be concerts, company, big dinners and stress. I will need to pull back, remember that no one actually cares whether I am good at cucumber trees or not. What they will care about is whether they have a happy wife/mom/boss/friend/sister/daughter or not. 

Just to drive this point home, my husband prophetically ordered this sign for me in October: 

So, this is Christmas. A time to stop, a time to reflect, a time to be grateful and slow down. A time to put down the phone, set the Ipad aside and listen. Listen when the kids giggle at each other and play with their new things for a whole fifteen minutes before war is declared. 

It is a time to remember how much I love my family. I will not complain about being busy. I feel like being busy raising a family is a privilege that I almost didn't get, so I certainly cant complain about the noise or the mess. What I really want to work on is sitting down in the middle of the mess and the noise and not trying to fix it. Just relish it, delight in it, soak it in. 

These are my own Christmas confessions. I hope that you had an easier ride through the holidays, but if you didn't, you are in good company. Let's back up, take it all in, gather a big breath and be grateful for these beautiful days. 

I pray that you would be filled with a thrill of hope, that your weary world would rejoice. Not just now, but all year. 

If this season has been a tough time for you, I pray that you would find hope, a light at the end of the tunnel, a tail wind that pushes you instead of a head wind that brings delay and frustration. I pray for joy to be your strength and peace your portion. 

Deep breath everyone. 2015 is waiting for us. 

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.