waking

things are different now. i used to wake up to an alarm, or a noise outside. now it is the sound of emma lifting and dropping her feet. then she will squak a few times in the hopes that one of us will come and get her. today i found her on the other side of the bed where i left her last night. she moves a lot now.

so it is 6:11, the coffee is on and i am awake as can be watching my baby play on the floor. she thinks sneezing is funny, so she giggles when she is done and looks at me like "i am so cute". yes, you are.

of course it has not always been this way.

there were so many times i wondered if this day would ever come. first it is impossible, then it is difficult, then it is done. that sentence rolls out of my fingers. the impossible season seems so long. the obstacles so high. the solutions so few. but then, movement. a little light, a little hope and next thing you know you are awake at 5:00 with the impossible. and she smiles at me and needs me and looks to me for comfort. finally, i am mom.

it is all in the timing, in the trust. i trade my fear and my anxiety for a prayer, a desperate cry for something i cannot produce and then wait. the difficult comes and the waiting. waiting. waiting.

but then it is done and the impossible is crying and ready for breakfast. so here i go.