resting

so we are just finishing up our vacation. we had such a nice time - oregon, washington, dipped our toe into california. vacationing is very different with two babies under two. when i picture vacation, i usually imagine lots of rest, reading, driving and listening to audiobooks with my husband (this probably makes us nerds, but we love it). i picture this, because that is what vacations used to look like.

this vacation did not look like that.

to summarize, the latest we ever slept was 7:30, the earliest morning was 4:30 (with a little nap from 6:00-7:30). emma spiked a fever. so we spent the first few days trying to decide if it was teething or another ear infection. so we took her to the clinic in portland, and sure enough, another ear infection. poor girl, no wonder she wasn't sleeping well. oh, and she puked all over my aunts living room. nice.

so long story short, there was not a lot of sleeping, and not a lot of reading. we would start to listen to books while the girls were sleeping. invariably emma would open one eye and before she could even take an awake breath she was saying "Boz (a big, green bear cartoon), Veggie Tales, horsey (Tangled)."

it was fun, but not very relaxing. fulfilling, full of good memories, but not exactly refreshing.

i found myself daily re-adjusting my expectations. re-writing what a holiday looks like. sometimes it was frustrating - i was tired - some days even more tired than i am at home.

it got me thinking that when i was dreaming about having kids, and i spent a lot of time doing that, i wasn't paying the price to have them. i just wanted them. sure, they would have a poopy diaper here and there and there would be a couple of sleepless nights, but we could handle it.

what i didn't realize was that IT NEVER ENDS! it is not a need here and there between good books.  it is a constant, beautiful, tugging at my shorts "up- a - mommy" kind of world. and the needs just go on and on. i am up more than the sun these days and that is saying a lot where i live.

this promise costs me two things 1) my selfishness and 2) my desire for comfort.

before we had these two little wonders our house was quiet. we would roll over on a Saturday morning at
9-ish, look at each other and say "what do you want to do today?"

we never say that anymore.
we never roll over leisurely and look at each other anymore.
instead, it is a bleary eyed - "which one is it? what time is it? what is going on? who is going? i'll go. no, i'll go. ok, you go" rats.

and it's milk and breakfast and we are off to the races.

it is a beautiful inconvenience. so utterly indescribable how we can be at the very end of ourselves at one moment, then a smile, a giggle a new word or action, and the big ol' "you are the best kid in the world" eraser comes and takes away all of the frustration (well, most of it, until the next time they do the exact thing they should not be doing and then they look at you with that "what you going to do about it face", yeah that frustration stays but the rest of it...you get the idea).

the truth is, i like me better as a parent. i am glad i am not dreaming about a promise anymore but i am living it. i like that i am not as selfish as i used to be, even though it takes a pound of my flesh every time i have to choose them over me. i like that i am learning and teaching patience at the same time. and i love that i get to be the presence that calms things down, makes the room erupt into giggles, and gets the biggest smiles from the cutest little faces i know (and trust me, these are some cute faces!)

this promise is expensive, and i wouldn't have it any other way. we will vacation again, one day. we will miss these days and wonder where they went. so here i am telling myself yet again, to live in this moment, enjoy these days. new days, new challenges will come.

in the meantime, here's to better living through caffeine and knowing where every park from here to oregon is.

this is the life!