advice

i caught myself the other day.  i was visiting with a new mom and her two week old baby - and i couldn't help myself...i started giving advice like i had been a parent for 20 years. what is worse, i had promised her before the baby came that i wouldn't do that.

that might seem like a strange promise, but i remember being a new mom and being so overwhelmed by all of the input i was getting. so, i decided that the gift i would give new moms would be to hold back on giving them advice unless they asked for it.

but, there i was, asking how the baby was sleeping, how she was coping, and all of the normal questions that you ask a new mom. and to each reply i would give my opinion and, yup, unsolicited advice.

rats.

i was watching her as she was processing what i was saying, in her hyper - hormonal - and somewhat overwhelmed state. and she was trying to be polite, but holding her own in saying "i am going to do it this way". and by golly, that is her right to do so.

i was thinking about it later, and asking myself why i would do this thing that i promised myself i wouldn't - and here is what i came up with:

I have fought hard for those lessons and i want to spare other moms from mistakes, or share the things that seemed to work for me. it is like i have survived a battle and i want to have an audience with those who would value the hard learned lessons of war.

but, here is the deal: she has to fight her own battles, try her own methods and figure out what is going to work for her and her new little baby. and i need to encourage her and tell her that she has what it takes - sometimes i think unsolicited advice can send the message that we don't have what it takes and if we would only do it this way then the baby would sleep better, be potty trained by one, or stop having crying fits.

while some of the advice may be true and appropriate, it is the setting that makes it valuable. a phone call in a desperate time, a question over coffee, or a simple passing in the church nursery that drops the right words into the right moment.

i have had both unsolicited, although well intended, advice and the sought after advice. one almost always  got under my skin and made me question my ability to parent and the other picked me up and helped me feel like i could run again with new courage.

i want to enable and encourage - so i am ready to start again in my discussions with new moms - i will wait for those key words "what do you think?" and then, look out - i will have so much to say!

in the meantime i want the message that comes out of my life,  "momma - you are all over this and you can do it!"

let's just hope i can stick to it. sheesh.