the world we live in

I find myself in a strange position. I used to have zero children. Now, in a relatively short amount of time i have four children. You could say that we planned for this, but we didn't really. We factored it in as a possibility kind of in the same way that I could plan to take a little weekend getaway to Mars.

When one struggles under infertility for 6 years, the idea of having twins is so remote it is a little hard to put into words.

So, all of that to say when people look at me like "um...birth control?" I just want to say "Hey! no one is as surprised as me ok?"

On Monday we were out with all four kids (something we don't do often), and we were talking to a couple that we had just met, at the end of the conversation they said "and you are finished having kids now right?". Well, yes, we are, but frankly that is none of your bees-wax and what if we weren't? what is the big deal with having lots of kids?

I'll tell you what the big deal is...we are selfish.

Go ahead, get mad at me, but what I say is true.

We don't have big families anymore because it isn't responsible, or maybe we fear we will lose our identity in the craziness of parenting...whatever.

big families are not for everyone, i get that. but where has the value for family gone? and why is it irresponsible if someone wants to have a big family?

i will tell you another story.

Costco parking lot: dad dealing with a son who is having a temper tantrum. i look over my shoulder at the situation, relieved that my kiddo's are at home and it is not my turn to deal with a screaming child in the Costco parking lot. Then an employee walks by me and says "that is why i never had kids".

Really? oh lady, i am so sad for you. if all i saw of children was at the grocery store, wal-mart, or the costco parking lot, i would not want to be a parent either. BUT, there are so many other moments that dwarf tantrums, crying, sleeplessness, the lack of money, or all of the other things that make parenting hard.

Emma decided her word for today was unfortunately. "Unfortunately, we won't be able to go to the bank" (she just turned 3. where does she come up with this stuff?) Alina has been a horse for a few days now, so she sounds like this "nay, nay, hi mommy, nay, nay" and she gallops away. every day emma asks me to look for kisses on her face before she goes to bed. There must be hugs and songs and prayers and deep looks into each other's eyes. Alina needs big hugs and books read to her, a little tummy scratch and lots of "i love you's". Our boys giggle and smile now. I would live on two hours of sleep for another year just to hear one of those little boys giggle again.

it is the temporary vs. the eternal. I am uncomfortable often. I am overwhelmed with my responsibilities daily, but i know that i am a vital part of shaping 4 little lives. this is the highest calling i will ever walk in. I could have traded all of this in for more vacations, nicer furniture or some peace and quiet (trust me, sometimes i wonder why i didn't). We did this because we know that even if it is hard in the moment, the joy far outweighs the sacrifice and the sacrifice makes everything more joyful in the end.

So, when people look at me and wonder what I was thinking when they see me with all my little bundles, i smile and think "do you get to look for kisses on someone's face before you go to bed tonight? because i do."  I wouldn't trade it for the world.