comparison

i woke up with random thoughts in my mind today...

we don't think we do it. we find it reprehensible in others yet it goes virtually undetected in ourselves. the long look down our nose at others with the age old, pharisaical sigh "thank God I am not like that person". 

we don't think we do it.

but we all do it. it is the main topic of many conversations. 

and it doesn't show up in such an obvious way. it comes in different packages - "well, i just wouldn't do it that way", "my kids would never do that- i would never let my kids do that", "can you believe they think that is ok?", and on it goes. 

it feels necessary, almost like we can't help it. but at the core of comparison is a fickle scale that makes me the winner sometimes and the loser more often than not. 

the problem with comparison is that i am not, and you are not the standard. 

i am not the standard for things i excel at - like music, or communication. 

thankfully i am not the standard for organization and living a perfect, balanced lifestyle. 

but no one is. 

it is a mistake for us to use others success or failure as leverage to feel better or worse about ourselves. no human can carry that load.   

so i think the lesson for me is to be the other character in the story - "Oh God, have mercy on me, the sinner". 

I can enforce a standard that i did not create. there is such a thing as right and wrong, but i didn't establish it,  and i must avoid the temptation to use that standard as a tool to puff up my own pride and protect my own self worth. 

i told you they were random thoughts. 

the wiggles

we have new roommates. have you heard of the wiggles? me? i heard of them when my nephew listened to them a little while ago. but now, yes, now, they are a part of my everyday life. they sing me their "toot toot chugga, chugga, big red car" melodies all day, all night.

i am a classically trained musician. i could have beautiful symphonies running through my head, a bit of mozart or chopin. but no, it is the wiggles, this colorful, and demonstrative band of four men, a friendly pirate (do they actually exist?), a dinosaur that eats roses, and a big dog named Wags.

at night, when i am awake, these are the songs that serenade me.

fruit salad...yummy, yummy....

i have heard that they would play propaganda records in prison camps in order to brainwash the enemy. they should have set them to the wiggles tunes, they are forever etched in my mind.

thankfully the agenda of this team is a little more innocent. and for true confessions, i am starting to like it a little. mostly because emma ADORES them.

so, if you are bored or looking for a good way to get swear words, old rock and roll songs out of your head, or maybe "its a small world". this is my recommendation.

oh one of my favorites is on now "quack quack quack - cockadoodle doo"

yup, you can't make this stuff up.

sigh

in love

first day of the new year. 1.1.11. i have been officially blogging for one year. happy blogging anniversary.

and what a year! emma turned 1, alina came early, and we are rich, rich, rich in family and friends.

i have said for years that you pay now and play later, or you play now and pay later. i am just thankful for the paying days, because these are definitely the play days. i told shawn this morning that no lottery could make us richer. he, of course, said..yes it would. but we couldn't be wealthier, and i just am bursting with gratitude.

i am not sleeping, i have no free time, and my personal space has moved to non-existent, but seriously, who cares? i have two, count them TWO beautiful girls to kiss and hold.

the only thing that could make it better is if i was in disneyland waiting to ride a rollercoaster or something.

2011 can only be good.

happy new year everyone!

the dash

Shawn made a powerful observation while we were in the hospital. I was pretty consumed by the life that i was birthing into the world, and once she was born, i was cocooned in my room feeding and sleeping. Shawn was taking walks around the hospital to stretch his legs or get in some emma time. while he was walking, he noticed that palliative care was on the same floor as the maternity ward.

Shawn's grandpa breathed his last breaths on that same floor.

when you get off the elevator, you can turn left or you can turn right. should you turn right, you will see women waddling, maybe moaning during their contractions, or the sweet little bundles of new life. should you turn left, you will smell age, and antiseptic that burns your nose a little. it is quieter, more solemn and contemplative. faces do not show signs of anticipation, instead there is a resignation that someone they love is in the throws of another kind of process.

they will pass from this life into the next.

and it makes one wonder.

in those little steps, one to the left or one to the right, what did we do with our lives? were we loving, kind, purposeful, and profitable? or did we squander our lives on selfish living and vain pursuits?

it is a small dash that separates the year we enter the world, and the year we leave it. within that small bit of punctuation we will love others and live out our principles and philosophy. when it is all said and done, there will be a residue that our lives leave. and many will mourn us, or few will have known us.

when my mom was in the hospice, we would take long walks through the garden they had provided. many people had taken time and money to donate engraved stones to memorialize their loved one. they are moving tributes to people i will never know, and yet, they still made me cry.

honor leaps from my heart toward a life well lived.

eternity is in my heart. it is in all of our hearts. we feel it calling us, reminding us: "don't waste this moment"

don't live in frustration, consumed by petty arguments. don't spend your days in vain pursuing things that will be destroyed. money disappears, popularity fades, hard times come and go. what matters most is our hearts posture toward Christ,  the character that we show in the middle of our lives,  in the choices that we make and the people that we love, even when we don't want to.

if i do not love, i am nothing.

if i do not give my life for others and live in generosity of spirit, nothing else matters.

nothing

nothing

nothing else matters.

when i die, if i have lived out what i believe, i will pray that this is what people remember of me.

that i loved them.

that i was a safe place for them.

that i gave my life for something beautiful and bigger than me.

i want my dash to be pregnant with memories of tears and laughter, faith and hope, joy and dreams.

and when i take my last breath, i want my family and friends to rejoice with me if i can say "i have fought a good fight, i have run the race, i have kept the faith"

let it be Lord.

Amen

well, we did it

the beautiful day arrived and we got to meet the newest little member of our family, Alina Joy, on Dec. 14th, 2010 at 11:27 PM. She is amazing. beautiful black hair and the sweetest little pug nose you have ever seen.

i wont tell all the stories right now, but I just wanted to log in and say "wow".

i can't believe the world is as populated as it is. labor is intense.

but then you get your bundle and ignore the rest.

we are so thankful, and so blessed to have her.

we do not labor in vain

the day has arrived my friends. i am going to have this baby. right now, i am between contractions and waiting to go back to the hospital. so far, this experience is like none other. the pain is very intense, but then it stops and it is like..."hmmm, what should i do...vacuum, jump over a building?" but when the contraction is hitting there is the very distinct smell of gunpowder in the air and it feels like some cartoonish villain is hiding behind some barrel ready to hit the ignite button that is located in my lower abdomen.

(TMI ALERT - YOU MAY NOT WANT TO KNOW THIS...)

My water broke on Saturday, and now it is monday. i didn't know that my water broke. i was sure i had just wet my pants, like, 4 times. pregnancy is always changing, so i just thought that the baby had rolled onto my bladder and decided to stay there for a little bit. last night the nurse kept saying "yes, there is proof of ruptured membranes" and i kept saying "is that good, is that normal?' we were not connecting, this nurse and I. when she was saying ruptured membranes what she was saying was "yes, your water broke". thank goodness for shawn who was able to translate and tell me that it is normal and good.

my nurse. let me just throw out this disclaimer...it was 1 in the morning and i was in pain. however, when a gruff MATERNITY nurse walks in during a contraction and says "what brings you in tonight?" i have to suck back every sarcastic and biting comeback that is sitting right at the back of my tongue. what i did say was something like "well, i think i am going to have a baby". anyway, she got better as the evening went on, and then she gave me morphine, so now we are best friends.

the good news is, she is off duty now.

the bad news is, she comes back at 7. and i don't know when i am going to be ready to actually deliver, so she may be there for the whole shooting match.

but pretty soon, i am going to be having intense contractions and the Apostle Paul could walk in the room and I may not notice.

so, here is the status...they sent me home at 4 AM with morphine. i have slept and the contractions have slowed down. it is now almost 1 PM and now we are waiting for the contractions to kick back in full gear so we can go back to the hospital and have a baby.

today, at some point, or tomorrow morning in the early hours, i should have a baby.

this moment that i have dreamed about for my whole life is about to happen.

to me.

and i can't wait to meet this baby. i can't wait to see what parts look like shawn and what parts look like me.

and i get to go through all of the milestones again. and emma gets a little brother or sister. what an amazing, amazing opportunity.

thank you Jesus. thank you.

may your days be merry and bright

isn't that a nice greeting? i like it. I think i shall sign off with that from now on, Christmas or no Christmas.

i just finished ordering our Christmas cards. i like them, feeling a little sensitive because they say happy holidays rather than merry christmas. yet again, political correctness has stolen a nice phrase and made it something that sounds generic like there is nothing on earth that is worth believing in with your whole heart. i say merry christmas without shame, however, the layout of the card that i like came with the standard greeting "happy holidays" so i will go with it.

i am excited for christmas. this is emma's second and we are due to have a pretty amazing christmas present depending on when the next one decides to make it's arrival.

in other news, as of yesterday, emma has officially decided that walking is her preferred method of transportation. what an amazing brain and body God has put together - how do they figure that out? it is amazing.

life continues to be full of twists and turns, and we wouldn't have it any other way.

may our (and your) days be merry and bright!