adoption part 1

it was interesting when i got pregnant to hear the amount of people who thought that my whole experience would change once i had "my own" child. it was different in some ways of course. alina spent most of her in-utero time up in my ribs which was about as comfortable as it sounds.emma never did that - i never had any pain :). with alina, we definitely spend more time trying to figure out who she looks like and which of us she gets what from. but the mom experience is no different. there is a deep, fierce love for both of them.

a few years ago i befriended a girl who had adopted a couple of kids. i kept stumbling on to phrases that offended her - i would ask "where is her mom?" ahem..."her birthmom", or other questions like that. she always seemed so defensive and i thought "well, i don't know this stuff, how do i know to call her the birthmom?". i don't know if being defensive about it is the way to handle it, but i can see now why she was. when someone refers to Lucille as her mom, or her real mom, i have to find a way to explain. Lucille is her birthmom, she carried this little miracle, and with all the bravery in her heart, she handed that little wonder to me. when that happened, i became her mom. her real mom. i will be the real-est mom emma will ever have.

it is not so bad right now. emma can't understand what people are saying. but i don't look forward to the day when she looks up at me and asks what they mean.

we will do our best to inform her of her story, so she is equipped to handle that information, but how much can her little brain absorb, filter and spit out?

i pray everyday that she will carry her story with grace and that she will understand what a special little girl she is.

there are days ahead that i know will be filled with confusion, maybe even disappointment or curiosity for her and i pray that we will have the grace to lead her with wisdom and gentleness.

we are not the first ones to do this, we know. but we have some interesting dynamics. lucille and her family are all right here. we really love this, and we are so glad. it is really good for emma to have them here. but we will have to figure all of that out when emma starts to figure it all out too.

for now, we will give our lives to making sure she knows she is forever our first-born miracle. such a special gift. and she is ours as much as alina's, even if she doesn't have our DNA.

coffee with a friend.

who needs therapy when i can sit down with an understanding soul for the price of a cup of joe? i feel like i exercised (which i didn't) and my soul is taking a satisfied sigh knowing that i am not going crazy, failing, or in any other way losing my fight to be an upstanding citizen.

don't you just need to feel understood? or heard?

i don't realize how much i miss it until it happens and then when it does, i eat it up like i have been starving for years and years.

there are many things in life i am thankful for. and i should be. but one of the best surprises and certainly one of the richest parts of my life are the friendships that i hold.

i love perspective and thought provoking questions. and i want to be more like that as i age. statements like "i was thinking about you the other day". really? in the midst of all you do, you thought of me. that one goes straight to the top of my worth pile and makes me feel like a celebrity. that too, is an aspiration i have. let me help other people feel like rock stars instead of failures - let me be the feather in Dumbo's nose instead of the wicked step-mother. rid me of criticism and superiority. fill me with counsel and kindness.

i wish i could go back to my mid twenties with what i know now - and extend my years with all these lessons in my back pocket. i would take back so many things that i said and did. i know i hurt people in my haste to "help" them.

lately, i am like scrooge on christmas morning - a kinder soul, knowing that each day is a gift. i attribute that mostly to my children. they slow me down, make me patient and cause me to understand the lasting effects of my words. thankfully i am having them in the years after i have learned more gentleness - maybe i will escape the dr. phil show with all the need for venting parent wounds. i am sure they will have their own horror stories to tell, but i bet they won't be as bad as they could have been.

three cheers for starbucks and a good friend.

forgetting

i was reading the bible yesterday - i think in exodus - and one line stood out to me. it talked about how God did all of these great things for the Israelites and instead of being forever grateful, they forgot God and complained. 

there are times when i am reading and the words jump right off the page and a pointy finger digs right into my heart to say "you do that too". and it is true. i do, i have, i am. 

it is not that i am not grateful. i am so grateful, everyday. 

but i don't know if i say thank you directly to the Lord. i think i just say vaguely "i am so thankful".

the truth is, i think my heart got weary in the waiting. and i think i may have lost some of my heart along the way. sometimes i feel like i spent all of my emotions praying and waiting, and then everything happened so quickly that my head is still spinning with the fulfillment. 

we waited and waited, prayed and prayed, cried and cried. it became our way of life. we lived there more than we have lived here, and i don't really know if i am used to it yet. 

when emma came 19 months ago, our world was turned upside down. the sleepless nights, rolling over, teething, cooing, scooting, to walking and talking and before we knew it, i was pregnant. then the other kinds of sleepless nights going to the bathroom, can't get comfortable kinds of sleep. and here we are...two babies. our two beautiful, happy, bubbly little girls. i still just can't believe it. 

i am ready, and wanting to move out of the survival mode that i have been in. i am trying to get the tired parts of my heart to catch up with the ecstatic parts of my heart. 

hebrews tells us that faith is the substance of things hoped for the evidence of things not seen. i was used to not seeing, i was used to hoping. it took so long. so now what do i do now that i have substance. 

i say thank you. not just to the air, but to the author and the perfecter of my faith. 

of snow and studying

i have a major fault line in the landscape of my life. when it comes to studying i have honed some pretty fantastic avoidance and procrastination skills. they came about after years and years of looming deadlines and tests to study for in college.  i am here at starbucks, sans children, and i am supposed to be studying for a speaking engagement that is happening later this week. if i wasn't blogging, i would find something else to do. but this works for now.

i will also say that i am a little bit flustered. snow is coming, and i am sitting by a window. the only thing missing is christmas and its music. i would like to feel festive and cozy, but i am a bit agitated because not only am i not studying, but a man in the Costco parking lot called me a hippy - it is true. do these things happen to other people?

you are wondering what happened? well, i will tell you.

the lot was full, very full. snow is coming, so people are agitated, you can feel it in the air. so, whilst i am circling calmly looking for a parking spot, i see a car getting ready to leave. i do the customary turn signal and wait. much to my surprise this big truck pulls up right beside me. i think (strange, he must be in a hurry) but no, he was taking my parking spot! hello! what happened to "every thing i needed to know in life i learned in kindergarten"? i was so flabbergasted i actually rolled my window down and said (nicely) "did you not see me waiting there?" and he yelled "WE WERE HERE FIRST! GET A JOB HIPPIE!".

and that is how i got called a hippie in the costco parking lot. and now i cannot possibly study. i am suffering from post traumatic stress disorder.

i think what i will do instead is watch the young family that is being wrangled by their mother who does not notice that they are all kicking each other when her back is turned. thank God, those are not MY children.

just kidding, see my post on comparison for full understanding.

ok, ok, i am studying.

very sweet

i am visiting my family down in mill creek, a little community north of seattle. and i am currently watching emma play with the wii remotes in her own way - more like jump ropes than remotes, but that is a toddler for you. i wish i was as inventive and creative with objects, she can transform their purpose into anything she wants them to be, and she finds everything exceedingly entertaining. no wonder jesus wants us to be like them. as long as she doesn't change it into a noose, i will continue to find it entertaining. she is currently moving toward the noose idea, i will need to keep one eye on her.

so many people wanted to reassure me that i don't look like a grandma, that i thought i should say thanks.  i truly think it is funny, so i am not insulted. but, if i knew how many compliments i would get, i would have said something sooner!

age is a weird thing - for instance, my dad was talking last night about working in the backyard with two "old guys" and i blurted out "that excludes you, or includes you?" which extracted a befuddled look from my 60 something father. "I am not one of the old guys". Hellooo, of course. what was i thinking.

and indeed he is not. and he keeps saying that he is not sure who this "fat old man" is that keeps showing up in all of his pictures.

as i get older, i totally understand that. i am much younger in my mind than i am in my pictures.

but i am glad to be the age i am. i like me much better now than when i was in my twenties and younger. these are the best days of my life. budding wrinkles and all.

but feel free to drop by anytime and tell me i have great hair and don't look a day over thirty, i plan to look younger every year. dressing "age appropriate" is way overrated!

the 40's mom

i went for a walk today with my two daughters. emma, as is her custom, waved and shouted a friendly hello to an elderly woman walking by. "well, hello there" she says "arent you cute?"

this is all standard. emma waves and is sweet to young and old.

it is what comes next that takes me back. she then looks at me and says "is she your grandchild?'

WHAT??

today, of all days, and i just got a great compliment on sunday that i look so young. big sigh.

"no, she is my daughter, and so is this one" pointing to alina in the other little seat in the stroller.

"oh, i'm sorry, grandparents look so young these days"

really? that was a pretty lame covering of your tracks nice elderly lady. well, maybe i should be careful how i throw that word around since she may describe me the same way.

so, that was an awkward conversation. but at the core of who i am, i am settled with being a mom later in life.  i am like....a celebrity! they are all having their kids later in life too. this is what i tell myself when the "g" word is thrown out (which has only happened one other time, lest you think it is a daily occurrence).

i look back on my life and i really have no regrets about the timing of things. i have two beautiful children and the energy to chase them, i have an awesome husband, and a great life. i was able to establish my career before having kids. i have more patience and i think more love to give them at this stage of my life.

so there, perfect stranger that i met on the street today. i am 40, and a mom of two babies,  and maybe more if God wills it. so whaddaya think of that!??!

beside that, i also blog, and i have a cell phone and an itouch that i know how to use - i am one tech savvy, lookin good wanna be granny of two little babies and yes, i love it all.

now, if you will excuse me i need to go and rinse my dentures, change my depends, and chase after my toddler.

romance

who knew that the handsome prince would be most romantic when he whispers those little words in the early hours of the morning "I'll get her this time". and then he proceeds to roll out of bed and comfort our little girl.

who knew that this would be better than roses?

of course i lived under that evasive dream looking for the knight in shining armour. i found him, or he found me, and we are living our own version of happily ever after. hollywood has tricked us into thinking that romance is this hyped up version of sexuality wrapped up in a six pack.

give me a little bit of a belly wrapped up in a gentle heart any day.

we will be married for seven years this april. when i write that, it sounds like a short time. but in that time, we have lived in two homes, walked through two adoptions (one that happened and another that fell through), multiple fertility treatments (some that didn't work, one that ended in miscarriage, and one that ended with Alina Joy joining our family), been ordained as pastors, and watched my beautiful mom lose her two year battle with cancer.

and those were just the big events. that is not even including the vacations, the financial ups and downs, or the day to day running of life.

so, let hollywood keep their collagen filled lips and perfect teeth. they can't touch what we have right here in our mediocre bodies and moderate income.

all of this is to say that it is only possible to live happily ever after on a day to day basis. and all romance flows out of making the mundane an adventure.

we are living our happily ever after. in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, there is no one i would rather spend my days with.

and that, my friends, is very romantic.