adventure is out there

today was a surprise day. i love these kinds of days. emma slept until 8:30 - and that alone was a big plus for starting the day. she was in a fantastic mood and made me laugh all morning. she has also learned how to moo like a cow, which is just about the funniest thing ever. then she had a good nap so i could study for our conference that is coming up this week. i finished my full rough draft for my message in time to pack the fam up and go for a walk at Othello Tunnels, which is one of my favorite places. it is especially my favorite place in the fall when all of the leaves are turning and the air is just cold enough to let you know that winter is coming.  now we are smelling chicken enchiladas cooking in the oven, emma and shawn are playing on the floor and emma is giggling up a storm.

i still pinch myself to make sure that this is actually my life and that is my husband and baby playing on the floor, and there is another little family member crawling up into my ribs as we speak (and that is about as comfortable as it sounds).

i used to watch so many romantic comedies and disney fairytales. they all seemed so full of the right kinds of romance and how a man should woo and capture a woman. who knew that the real thing so could so much better. who knew that the sound of that little girls laugh could hit a place in my heart that i didnt know existed?

all i have to say is that this is my adventure, and today, i am loving it.

the humbling of keri harvey

i don't think i ever spent much time looking down my nose at parents, thinking to myself "when i am a parent..." maybe every once in awhile when a parent seemed crazy in wal-mart or something like that. so i don't feel like i have a bunch of words or thoughts to eat in the judgemental department. however, being a parent is so much more challenging that it seems. i think if anything, my respect for parents has shot to the moon.

i read books. lots of them. books that tell me how to put her to sleep, how to discipline, some of what to expect. but there are so many things that are not covered. like when she, with her sweet little 14 month old face, looks at me and for the 10th time that morning, drops her toast on the floor. we clap our hands, we say firmly "no", we slap her hand (don't report me). and then i think "what is she learning?" "what is she trying to do?" am i winning this battle? i don't think so. every child since the beginning of time has dropped food and expected their parents to pick it up and tolerate their behaviour. and no one says "this is how you handle that". or how about her fascination with everything that plugs into the wall? or the new discovery...the fireplace. the fireplace is a problem because it is right next to her favorite place in the world, the hearth. i can't keep her off of it, so how do i keep her out of the fireplace? no one talks about that. and today, while at a friends house, i found her chewing on something, she spit it into my hand and what was it? yup, a used band-aid. who chews on a used band-aid? my child.

there are days when she will wake up and sweetly, contentedly play with her toys. then there are days when it feels like she has 14 hands and all of them are touching things she is not supposed to.

it's the voices i hate the most. "you are failing", "you are teaching her bad habits". "you are spoiling her".  the hardest part of those voices is that sometimes it feels like they are coming from the people around me in the way they look at me, or in the statements that definitely imply "i wouldn't do it that way".

maybe i am failing. but i don't feel ready to bring the gavel down on this little person that can't even say a sentence yet.

so i am feeling a little defeated by the little one in my life today. and maybe there will be days when i will ache for such seemingly simple problems, but today i wish i knew how to keep her busy little fingers in the places that will not cover her with old soot, or electrocute her.

but, all is not lost. she let me brush her teeth today with just a little bit of a fight, and i got three kisses before she went to bed for the night.

Lord, let all of this love pay off, and let me read my daughter as much as i read those books, teach me to teach her and let her grow up to be a sweet girl and not a criminal, amen.

a clear head

i understand now why sleep deprivation is such an effective tool for torture. i am not saying that i am being tortured, but i understand why it would be effective.

emma was teething again last week. i am beginning to wonder if she is part shark. i think she may be cutting a second row of teeth next. we have been teething every other week since she was about 5 months old. this produces a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde kind of child. one day she is lovely, sweet, full of kisses and hugs, and then she is whining, clinging and touching everything that she knows not to touch. we are on to her game, she knows that if she touches the forbidden items she gets picked up - this is no simpleton we are dealing with.

so our pink-clad jekyll hadn't been sleeping very well. and that means that this mommy wasn't sleeping either. night after night, around 2 or 3 we would hear the sad little whimpers of a baby in pain. no fun. then the screams of a baby who wanted comfort. so, we left our comfort to give her some. and in the meantime, i started slowly going crazy. irrational thoughts kick in when you aren't rested. you don't know they are irrational at the time, but one good night's sleep makes it clear.

i know this because our darling slept last night. and to make it better, instead of waking up at 6 am this morning, she actually made it until 7:15.

this seems fitting since i issued a mandate to shawn last night that he was getting up with her this morning, since i have been up with her around 6 for the last week or so. he agreed, and then she slept until 7:15.

figures.

anywhoo, the long and short of it is that we all got sleep last night and i feel like a new person. got any buildings i could leap over?

line ups

everyone has to have their talents. one of my little known talents is the ability to find the line up with the cuckoo-cuckoo who needs a price check on half of their order.

this happened yesterday.

it was pop or milk or something that was marked down to a dollar and it was coming up as 500 dollars or something like that. to make it even better,  the grocery store that i frequent is also undergoing renovations, so everyone is cranky, and the store clerks don't really know where anything is so they are taking longer than normal as well to find said item. 

thankfully i have a darling one year old girl who helps me pass the time. she flirts with all of the older men in line behind us. i don't know they are there until she starts giggling because the nice grandpa behind me is  doing the old "dismember my finger from the knuckle" trick. and because emma can't resist batting her eyes at anyone who will play with her, within moments we have a whole little gathering of previously grumpy people saying "isn't she cute? look at those ponytails. what pretty eyelashes she has". 

and all is right in the world again. 

until she gets too excited and bangs her head on the front of the grocery cart and then all of her fans remember that they were cranky and it is taking 10 minutes to find the price for a bottle of milk. 

if you are ever in the grocery store at the same time as me, pick the longest line up, and i bet you will still beat me out of the store. 

twists and turns

i was sitting in church this morning, and our pastor was sharing about how God can do the impossible in our lives, but in the meantime He is working on our character. he was encouraging us to trust God while everything is hard. i sat there with a silly smile on my face because there have been so many days that i have sat and heard the same message with no children, no husband and only a hope for those two things.

the strange thing about impossibles is that when you are in front of them they stand like a tall brick wall and you feel like the crazy that wants to see through it. when you are on the other side of it, you feel like the wise old sage that rocks in their chair and says "I knew it would happen one day".

another strange thing about impossibles is that when you are the one waiting for them it feels like there is no one who understands how you are feeling - and that your story is the newest and most difficult problem on the block. on the other side of it - everything in you wants to say "believe, it will come one day. my impossibles are now reality. don't give up."

and that is how i felt today. i was holding emma, feeling the new baby kick in my tummy and feeling my husbands hand on my back.

its not like i don't still have situations that seems impossible, but the big ones are settled. i have the love of my life, and two little ones to pour that life into. i want other people, especially the younger ones to know that there were many, many days that i wondered if it would ever come to pass. and it is so beautiful when it does, especially because i somehow managed to cross the finish line with my faith in tact - weathered to be sure, but deeper, stronger, sweeter for the trusting.

so, there i sat with a smile on my face, gratitude in my heart that today i am going to read books about raising children instead of believing through barrenness. and here at the sunset of this day, i just want to say - first it is impossible, then it is difficult and then it is done.

and for today, it is done.

the sand reveals it's secrets

i read that phrase in a devotional a few years ago. the premise behind the quote was taken from the story of Moses when he killed the Egyptian. he couldn't hide what he had done, the sand would reveal his secret.

no one is getting away with anything.

there are days when it seems like God is turning a blind eye to injustice, suffering or mistreatment. but He is not. He is having His way within the heart of man.

nothing purifies like a scorching wind of unfair treatment, or a round of betrayal. it hurts and every fibre in our being cries out for someone to notice that we are being abused or accused for things we don't feel we deserve.

but if it is unjust, unfair, a treatment based in dishonesty or spite - He will come, and defend and rescue us in due season. just when the hardship has had it's perfect way in us.

He watches, and waits to see if we will take things into our own hands, fight for our rights and demand a hearing. and He is waiting to see if we will respond like His Son. Jesus never defended Himself. He made Himself nothing, so we could have everything. Like a lamb lead to the slaughter, He never opened His mouth.

I can't imagine it - I think I would have called a press conference and made sure that everyone knew who i was and why it was a really, really bad idea to mess with me.

But, of course, He didn't.

That kind of perfection and trust would have been quite a sight.

and in the end, the truth always comes out. I bet those Pharisees slept great that night "Finally, we got rid of that trouble maker",

So, i submit and leave room for the process to change me, humble me, make me more like Him. Let the sand reveal it's secrets, and start with me. search me and know me Lord - let me look and sound like you and help me to not fight the process you have chosen for me.

running water

today i am thankful for running water. it is a strange thought to me, one who has always lived in  a house with indoor plumbing and warm water, that only one generation ago people used outhouses and took baths once a week in the family tub or the nearest stream. it is true. we were talking about this with some family members not so long ago and it seemed common that all of them had lived in at least one home that had an outhouse instead of a toilet.

look how far we have come.

this point was driven home to me while we were on vacation recently. we were staying at a lovely and comfortable cabin in the woods - but no indoor plumbing, no showers. we brought all of our own water in with us.

it is hard to conceive not showering every day, and fighting the elements whenever you needed to visit the biffy. i think i would have had a stronger bladder.

just thankful today and thought i would pass it on.