coffee with a friend.

who needs therapy when i can sit down with an understanding soul for the price of a cup of joe? i feel like i exercised (which i didn't) and my soul is taking a satisfied sigh knowing that i am not going crazy, failing, or in any other way losing my fight to be an upstanding citizen.

don't you just need to feel understood? or heard?

i don't realize how much i miss it until it happens and then when it does, i eat it up like i have been starving for years and years.

there are many things in life i am thankful for. and i should be. but one of the best surprises and certainly one of the richest parts of my life are the friendships that i hold.

i love perspective and thought provoking questions. and i want to be more like that as i age. statements like "i was thinking about you the other day". really? in the midst of all you do, you thought of me. that one goes straight to the top of my worth pile and makes me feel like a celebrity. that too, is an aspiration i have. let me help other people feel like rock stars instead of failures - let me be the feather in Dumbo's nose instead of the wicked step-mother. rid me of criticism and superiority. fill me with counsel and kindness.

i wish i could go back to my mid twenties with what i know now - and extend my years with all these lessons in my back pocket. i would take back so many things that i said and did. i know i hurt people in my haste to "help" them.

lately, i am like scrooge on christmas morning - a kinder soul, knowing that each day is a gift. i attribute that mostly to my children. they slow me down, make me patient and cause me to understand the lasting effects of my words. thankfully i am having them in the years after i have learned more gentleness - maybe i will escape the dr. phil show with all the need for venting parent wounds. i am sure they will have their own horror stories to tell, but i bet they won't be as bad as they could have been.

three cheers for starbucks and a good friend.

forgetting

i was reading the bible yesterday - i think in exodus - and one line stood out to me. it talked about how God did all of these great things for the Israelites and instead of being forever grateful, they forgot God and complained. 

there are times when i am reading and the words jump right off the page and a pointy finger digs right into my heart to say "you do that too". and it is true. i do, i have, i am. 

it is not that i am not grateful. i am so grateful, everyday. 

but i don't know if i say thank you directly to the Lord. i think i just say vaguely "i am so thankful".

the truth is, i think my heart got weary in the waiting. and i think i may have lost some of my heart along the way. sometimes i feel like i spent all of my emotions praying and waiting, and then everything happened so quickly that my head is still spinning with the fulfillment. 

we waited and waited, prayed and prayed, cried and cried. it became our way of life. we lived there more than we have lived here, and i don't really know if i am used to it yet. 

when emma came 19 months ago, our world was turned upside down. the sleepless nights, rolling over, teething, cooing, scooting, to walking and talking and before we knew it, i was pregnant. then the other kinds of sleepless nights going to the bathroom, can't get comfortable kinds of sleep. and here we are...two babies. our two beautiful, happy, bubbly little girls. i still just can't believe it. 

i am ready, and wanting to move out of the survival mode that i have been in. i am trying to get the tired parts of my heart to catch up with the ecstatic parts of my heart. 

hebrews tells us that faith is the substance of things hoped for the evidence of things not seen. i was used to not seeing, i was used to hoping. it took so long. so now what do i do now that i have substance. 

i say thank you. not just to the air, but to the author and the perfecter of my faith. 

of snow and studying

i have a major fault line in the landscape of my life. when it comes to studying i have honed some pretty fantastic avoidance and procrastination skills. they came about after years and years of looming deadlines and tests to study for in college.  i am here at starbucks, sans children, and i am supposed to be studying for a speaking engagement that is happening later this week. if i wasn't blogging, i would find something else to do. but this works for now.

i will also say that i am a little bit flustered. snow is coming, and i am sitting by a window. the only thing missing is christmas and its music. i would like to feel festive and cozy, but i am a bit agitated because not only am i not studying, but a man in the Costco parking lot called me a hippy - it is true. do these things happen to other people?

you are wondering what happened? well, i will tell you.

the lot was full, very full. snow is coming, so people are agitated, you can feel it in the air. so, whilst i am circling calmly looking for a parking spot, i see a car getting ready to leave. i do the customary turn signal and wait. much to my surprise this big truck pulls up right beside me. i think (strange, he must be in a hurry) but no, he was taking my parking spot! hello! what happened to "every thing i needed to know in life i learned in kindergarten"? i was so flabbergasted i actually rolled my window down and said (nicely) "did you not see me waiting there?" and he yelled "WE WERE HERE FIRST! GET A JOB HIPPIE!".

and that is how i got called a hippie in the costco parking lot. and now i cannot possibly study. i am suffering from post traumatic stress disorder.

i think what i will do instead is watch the young family that is being wrangled by their mother who does not notice that they are all kicking each other when her back is turned. thank God, those are not MY children.

just kidding, see my post on comparison for full understanding.

ok, ok, i am studying.

very sweet

i am visiting my family down in mill creek, a little community north of seattle. and i am currently watching emma play with the wii remotes in her own way - more like jump ropes than remotes, but that is a toddler for you. i wish i was as inventive and creative with objects, she can transform their purpose into anything she wants them to be, and she finds everything exceedingly entertaining. no wonder jesus wants us to be like them. as long as she doesn't change it into a noose, i will continue to find it entertaining. she is currently moving toward the noose idea, i will need to keep one eye on her.

so many people wanted to reassure me that i don't look like a grandma, that i thought i should say thanks.  i truly think it is funny, so i am not insulted. but, if i knew how many compliments i would get, i would have said something sooner!

age is a weird thing - for instance, my dad was talking last night about working in the backyard with two "old guys" and i blurted out "that excludes you, or includes you?" which extracted a befuddled look from my 60 something father. "I am not one of the old guys". Hellooo, of course. what was i thinking.

and indeed he is not. and he keeps saying that he is not sure who this "fat old man" is that keeps showing up in all of his pictures.

as i get older, i totally understand that. i am much younger in my mind than i am in my pictures.

but i am glad to be the age i am. i like me much better now than when i was in my twenties and younger. these are the best days of my life. budding wrinkles and all.

but feel free to drop by anytime and tell me i have great hair and don't look a day over thirty, i plan to look younger every year. dressing "age appropriate" is way overrated!

the 40's mom

i went for a walk today with my two daughters. emma, as is her custom, waved and shouted a friendly hello to an elderly woman walking by. "well, hello there" she says "arent you cute?"

this is all standard. emma waves and is sweet to young and old.

it is what comes next that takes me back. she then looks at me and says "is she your grandchild?'

WHAT??

today, of all days, and i just got a great compliment on sunday that i look so young. big sigh.

"no, she is my daughter, and so is this one" pointing to alina in the other little seat in the stroller.

"oh, i'm sorry, grandparents look so young these days"

really? that was a pretty lame covering of your tracks nice elderly lady. well, maybe i should be careful how i throw that word around since she may describe me the same way.

so, that was an awkward conversation. but at the core of who i am, i am settled with being a mom later in life.  i am like....a celebrity! they are all having their kids later in life too. this is what i tell myself when the "g" word is thrown out (which has only happened one other time, lest you think it is a daily occurrence).

i look back on my life and i really have no regrets about the timing of things. i have two beautiful children and the energy to chase them, i have an awesome husband, and a great life. i was able to establish my career before having kids. i have more patience and i think more love to give them at this stage of my life.

so there, perfect stranger that i met on the street today. i am 40, and a mom of two babies,  and maybe more if God wills it. so whaddaya think of that!??!

beside that, i also blog, and i have a cell phone and an itouch that i know how to use - i am one tech savvy, lookin good wanna be granny of two little babies and yes, i love it all.

now, if you will excuse me i need to go and rinse my dentures, change my depends, and chase after my toddler.

romance

who knew that the handsome prince would be most romantic when he whispers those little words in the early hours of the morning "I'll get her this time". and then he proceeds to roll out of bed and comfort our little girl.

who knew that this would be better than roses?

of course i lived under that evasive dream looking for the knight in shining armour. i found him, or he found me, and we are living our own version of happily ever after. hollywood has tricked us into thinking that romance is this hyped up version of sexuality wrapped up in a six pack.

give me a little bit of a belly wrapped up in a gentle heart any day.

we will be married for seven years this april. when i write that, it sounds like a short time. but in that time, we have lived in two homes, walked through two adoptions (one that happened and another that fell through), multiple fertility treatments (some that didn't work, one that ended in miscarriage, and one that ended with Alina Joy joining our family), been ordained as pastors, and watched my beautiful mom lose her two year battle with cancer.

and those were just the big events. that is not even including the vacations, the financial ups and downs, or the day to day running of life.

so, let hollywood keep their collagen filled lips and perfect teeth. they can't touch what we have right here in our mediocre bodies and moderate income.

all of this is to say that it is only possible to live happily ever after on a day to day basis. and all romance flows out of making the mundane an adventure.

we are living our happily ever after. in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, there is no one i would rather spend my days with.

and that, my friends, is very romantic.

i can't help it

i try to not just write about being a mom. some of those sweet people that follow this little page are not in that season, and don't want to know that i think emma is coming nearer to potty training. but i can't help it. it is my life right now, and most of my brain is dedicated to all things mommy. and i love it. yes, i do. even when it is hard, which it is some days. but now, emma can say "porcupine, and octopus" i can hear you all gasping "wow, those are big words for a 17 month old!". i know...that is what i said too. i do have to say though that she is finding her will, and is reminding me that indeed, in our own way we are all "strong willed". that little rascal keeps grabbing alina's soother and heading for the border. seriously it is like lightning fast! she grabs it and runs. she is halfway across the house before i can get her - when did she get so fast?

and alina, well. she is a different baby than emma. emma was kind of a "follow by the book" kid. they said that she should eat, be up for about and hour then sleep for about an hour, then repeat. and that is just what she did, without fail. alina, on the other hand, eats. sleeps. then wakes up. i try to put her on the playmat (emma's spot of choice for hours on end when she was alina's age) and after about 10 minutes she is overstimulated and crying like "hold me or else".

she reminds me of her dad. she wants lots of hugs, doesn't like to be pushed, and can only handle so much at a time. there is no criticism in that. indeed the world will be a better place if she turns out like her dad. i am just saying that she has her own little system.

she smiles now. is there anything better than seeing a little human being using those lovely muscles for the first time? it is hard to believe my heart could get any bigger.

to top it off, when i put emma down every night, i turn out the light and say into the darkness and say my  normal "goodnight honey, i love you"- and now, out of the darkness i hear a sweet little voice "i loo loo".

yup, that's the life right there.