"you don't need a PhD. you don't need to have a lot of money. you have all you need. you know the biggest secret of all: your child wants to please you. She can't stand it when you're unhappy with her. she wants to know you are a team."
"what kind of legacy are you going to leave for them? if you want them to be healthy, independent thinkers who are kind and giving to others, now if the time to start, and you can start by changing yourself"
this will sound crazy but these statements brought tears to my eyes.
why? because it is so easy to forget the i have what it takes.
i don't really love it when i blog about my insecurities, simply because it feels like i am asking for people to tell me that i am amazing etc... and trust me that is not my goal. i need to get it out of me, and this is how i do it. i write about it, i talk about it. and you get to read it, lucky you.i read those two statements and i realize the lies i have been listening to, and the fears i have been yielding to.
it is true that comparison the doorway to all disorder in my mind and all sorts of other creepy crawly thoughts that natter at me and disable me from being the best mom i can be.
when i look at other moms and think "i should be more like that", or "i am not good at that like they are", i am opening the door to crazy thinking. who cares if i am not good at crafts? who cares if i am not the most structured mom in the world? i can work on these things, but i don't think my kids will go on Dr. Phil one day with the sob story about how their mom was completely incapable of making a butterfly with pipe cleaners.
i guess i am realizing that i have been living in fear - fear that my kids will grow up to disrespect me, disregard me, just plain dis - me. i have seen too many teenagers do it, i have heard too many stories. working with teenagers for almost 20 years will do that to a person. and i have been afraid that no matter what i do, my kids won't turn out to be responsible adults that i am happy to present to society.
but the truth is, none of those other teenage stories are our story. and i can testify that without fail, every kid who knows their parents love them and care for them will come around and know that they did what they could with what they were given. and, they will disrespect me sometimes, that is part of growing up, but that doesn't mean they will be disrespectful people forever.
i cannot decide for my kids whether i am a good parent or not. i cannot bribe them or coerce them to think good thoughts about me. that is control, and it is wrong. i cannot make them love me, any more than God our Father will force me to love Him. this is the risk he took when he gave us free will. He opened Himself wide for rejection and misunderstanding. and His very first kids believed lies about Him and set the course for the rest of us for all time. that must have stunk big time.
i guess in the end i am realizing, it is ok to make mistakes, and it is prideful to think i won't. it is ok and even good to say "i'm sorry". there is nothing bad that can come out of that. i teach my kids to have character because i have character, and that is enough. i have choices, they have choices. i cannot make my kids become "good kids" they have to choose just like the rest of us. we are all on a journey, and we get to do this together.
this all seems so obvious - i guess in my heart i know it. but i tell you...day to day, it is tough to feel like i am making progress. each day is a new adventure with screaming battles between the girls (how do i handle that one?), emma has taught alina to hit back, alina has taught emma to crawl up on to everything, emma yells "NO!" at me all the time....on and on it goes. i respond the same way every time, i am not overlooking it - i am not being permissive, but the behaviour isn't changing as quickly as i want it to. is this a mountain or a molehill??? time alone will decide.
so, i guess that is why the first statement gave me a moment to pause, look at the long road and think..."they will get through this, i will get through this. and i may not win these battles everyday, but i will die before i give up the war for their hearts"
i have what it takes. i begged God for these little souls and now i take my turn with all parents who pray daily that they give their kids what they need to survive in our hostile world. i see my inadequacies, i see my faults, but somehow, i have what it takes.
ok. easy to believe now, because they are napping and i have perspective.
let's try to remember that when they are awake shall we?
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