periphery

i have done it again.

it is the first day of the new year, and we are all assessing where we are and where we want to go. and i realized again today that i have turned secondary issues into primary issues, i have allowed the temporary to swallow the eternal. and i have let myself get all bundled up in fears and thoughts that i can do nothing about.

i have a friend who's mom is dying. things are crystal clear for her right now. the most important things remain, and the extemporaneous disappear. her mom found out just a short month ago that she had terminal cancer and given about two months to live. so now, every day, my friend watches her mother degenerate little by little.

i know this feeling.

i know it too well. these women, our moms. feisty, full of life and laughter. brilliant. sharp minded. and then one day they face their mortality and we who love them, hold them and walk to death's door with them.

psalm 23 - though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will not fear. You are with me.

death is a shadow. and yet, we never feel more alive. the air feels thicker, breathing becomes the most important issue. saying the right things at the right times. releasing, healing, blessing, nurturing, soothing...

i can promise you today that my friend is not worried about whether her house is clean. she is not worried about what next year will bring, or whether she will have enough money or not. my friend is watching her mother breathe while she sleeps and thanking God for every single one of those breaths.

the day will come when her mom will not be here. she will have taken all of her secret recipes and unspoken wisdom to the grave. and my friend will change forever. she will not quickly fight the petty battles that we all find ourselves in, she will remember when Jesus came to take her mom home. she will be grateful for life. and determined to live it.

it has been seven years now. and i must remember this. it is not about my bank account or my comfortable, immaculate home.

it is about every day, EVERY DAY, living with purpose and clarity. every day fiercely extracting the essence of our destiny and deciding to not get bogged down in the menial.

we learn in these pains. it is like backwards pregnancy. and we coach them to their final rest. naked i came from my mothers womb and naked i will return.

so it doesn't really matter does it? does it matter if i have the best clothes, the nicest house, the cutest kids?

in the end what really matters?

love.

that is it

and i need to be reminded. without love i am nothing.

not just love that comes in our western, squishy, watered down, tolerate everything sort of package.

i mean the real stuff. the stuff that sacrifices, the stuff that gets into the deepest places of peoples messes and pain and sits down to say "tell me where it hurts, and let's get you out of here".

and the love that stays even when it is hard and there is conflict. it is the love that says sorry, and means it.

and this is the love that we know when we say "turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace."

Jesus

He stepped out of His royal place in heaven stepped into our mess of a world and said, "i will make this right".

I betray Him every time i worry. i reject Him every time i resist and refuse His grace. and i ignore Him when i turn peripheral things into primary.

forgive me.

so, this is my confession and my resolution - to catch worry and fear when it comes crashing in, and to spend my life on love.

so help me God