reunions

I just received an invitation to a reunion for my first hometown in Durango, Colorado.I didn't actually graduate from that high school but I did go to school there until my grade 10 (sophomore) year. I confess that I hyperventilate just thinking about it.

Durango is a beautiful, little town in Colorado. This train left the station every morning on its way up to Silverton. This was our alarm clock.
We moved from Colorado when I was 15.  I highly recommend visiting there. I would love to return for a visit.

I am not sure that the visit will be wrapped up with a reunion however. Now that I am older, I see that the beauty of moving is re-invention. We moved enough that I got to re-do myself a few times. I didn't really like the Colorado me. There were some great memories, and some great people for sure. But yikes! Who wants to remember grade 7? or 8, or 9? I was awkward (I am going to guess we all felt awkward, but I feel I was superior at my awkwardness). I was irritating, and I was so lonely and scared in that season of my life. I really don't even like thinking about it.

I remember a speaker at an assembly saying "these are the best years of your life, I hope you are enjoying them", and I thought "dear God, I want to die"

Even scarier, I see the girl who was my famous bully in those grades on the invitation...I seriously just turned into a 12 year old. Her name has become legend in my mind (I am sure she is nice now, I am sure she wouldn't breathe fire and tell me to meet her at the dirt pit after school)  but still, my insides turn to Jell-O just imagining her stomping up behind me at my locker, or running to catch up with me on my walk home from school. A little shout out to my sister who would show up at just the right times and chase her off.

I think it all started when I wet the bed at a sleepover at the most popular girl in town's house. Yes, I think that was the beginning of the end. I was popular for a few minutes. Popular enough to get invited over to the cute, blond, popular girls house. Dumb bladder. And that was that.

I did have a few friends. Jenny Fitts (now Reynolds)- with her Cyndi Lauper bracelets and perfect frosted pink nails. We had awesome hair and we had each other.  Thank God for music. I hid in the choir and the drama productions once I got into high school.  The people there, I will always be grateful for. But the damage was done - in my own mind anyway. I felt marked by my own stupidity in many ways. It seemed I just didn't know how to say the right thing at the right time.

I think I slept through much of my grade 10 year. I think I missed more school than I attended. My mom must have known something was up with me, but she still let me stay home at least one or two times a week. How I passed, I will never know.

But then, mercifully, our family moved to Spokane, Washington (haven't we lived in beautiful places?). No one knew me, no one knew how my bladder had betrayed me on that fateful night. I got a new start.

I had friends - we were all choir/drama geeks, but it was a big school and there were enough of us to feel the strength in numbers. I loved those two years. So many great friends. I still stuck my foot in my mouth too much, but I had learned a little bit about keeping it zipped so that came in handy.

But even those Spokane reunions.... I don't know. I haven't been. I am such a chicken. What is my problem?

Maybe since I haven't discovered a cure for cancer (and haven't even tried), I feel like I am not worthy to appear. I feel like I look old, and I am not skinny, and I didn't just get back from Hawaii after spending the summer at my lake cabin.

Crazy.

Really, who cares? My current self doesn't.

But my 7th grade self seems to.

And my Senior year (Grade 12 for my Canadians) self seems to.

The good news is, those were not the best years of my life. These are.

These are the best years of my life.

I am married to an awesome man - I mean it, he is so great. He was bullied too - worse than me, and I wish the people who over looked him could see him now. He is the boss, he is a genius, he is favored and blessed. Take that high school success ladder - popularity structure thingy!

I have FOUR kids - and each of them have their own miracle story.

I get to live out my passion to lead and train young adults - and I get paid to do it.

I get the incredible honour of speaking from time to time at Ladies events - and I love every minute of it.

The irony of it all is how much time I spend teaching people diplomacy - the art of knowing what to say and when to say it. Let me tell you, that is its own miracle.

Anyway, I don't think it will be in the budget to pack up our family and trek to Colorado for this reunion. But I am glad for the opportunity to work it through and for the chance to talk to my 12 year old self and tell her that it gets so much better. The best part is, I get to use all of those lessons I learned in so many different ways. The most important being to never overlook a person. Never. You just never know when they are going to turn the whole thing around and become a home-run hitter.

I would love to see my friends from those seasons. I know that time will come. I will remember the good old days with them, and it will be wonderful. In the meantime - I am reconciling with my junior high self and using those lessons to make me a better mom, and a leader of young people. I am grateful. Even for the bullies, they all taught me something.

Let's all have a reunion in heaven. I don't think there are any lockers to get shoved into there.