I am an outside processor - let me explain. It will only sound strange to you if you are an inside processor, but sometimes I don't actually know what I think until I start talking about it.
Shawn is an inside processor. This means that he thinks and thinks and thinks and thinks about what he wants to say, how he wants to say it, and he will not say it until he feels that he has narrowed down all of the non-essentials to a clean train of thought.
I am sure you can tell that the opportunities for offence and misunderstanding are limitless. In our marriage, I have learned to say things like "I am saying this stronger than it probably will be, but I am really frustrated about blah, blah, blah..." or he will say "I need time to think".
One of the main problems with outside processors is that they (we) feel that they have to talk and talk until we get to a solution. Sometimes to anyone who will listen, sometimes our stuff becomes our facebook status or a blog or a ranting session over coffee. You can see that this could become problematic.
A very wise friend once told me "once words have left your mouth, you relinquish the right to determine what happens to them." There are phrases that sometimes I wish I was not accountable for, this is one of them. It is truth. I need to respond to it.
Or, maybe you have heard the story of the pastor who took his church gossip to the top of a hill, handed her a feather pillow, cut it open and shook the feathers into the wind. Once the pillow was empty, he told the woman to go and pick up all the feathers.
It would be impossible. It is also impossible to collect our words spoken in haste, in frustration, in anger, in judgement or gossip.
Here comes the scriptures:
Proverbs 10:19
When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable,
But he who restrains his lips is wise.
James 3:2-6
Indeed, we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way.
We can make a large horse go wherever we want by means of a small bit in its mouth. And a small rudder makes a huge ship turn wherever the pilot chooses to go, even though the winds are strong. In the same way, the tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches.But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire. And the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself.
I heard a great definition of gossip: if you are not a part of the solution, you should not be a part of the conversation.
So here is the challenge for me - I am an outside processor. I need to talk to someone sometimes before I talk to another someone that is actually part of the problem. And this is the point of this whole topic for me: that person that I talk things through with needs to be chosen carefully. First, I should probably pray. When I get to a road block, I may need to hash it out with someone. This person needs to be a parent, my husband, a leader.
This person should not be: my friends who will agree with me and take on my frustration, my children who are not prepared to hear this information and it will surely change the way they see the people involved, or eager people ready to hear information that could make them feel important.
I need people who will walk me to a solution, thankfully my husband is great at this. I need people who will not just agree with me and get mad or hurt too. These people are worth their weight in gold.
The thing is, we all go through very personal things. It is important that these personal things stay in a small circle of people who know me and will encourage me, but also challenge me if I am going off the rails.
The thing is, it is not always negative. Sometimes we just need to tighten our circle because we need to reduce confusion.
I was talking to a friend recently about infertility. EVERYONE has an opinion about infertility. They say the craziest things..."Oh if you just relax and stop obsessing about getting pregnant, you will" Well, thank you, that clears it all up.
Greif is another one. I have been through deep grief, but heres the deal... it is unlike anyone else's grief. When someone is sick, when someone has lost someone they loved, they are hurting, they are confused and they need lots of support. We need to be careful with the words we speak when someone is so vulnerable. Sometimes they just need someone to sit there, without a word, just so they know that they are not alone.
My good friend lost her baby last week. She was 17 weeks into her pregnancy. She had to go through labor and birth that beautiful boy.
My friend is hurting. My friend needs help with her kids, maybe copious amounts of cookies or popcorn. What she doesn't need is for someone to say "Well, at least you have two other kids".
I think that I have digressed.
My point is that we are supposed to guard our hearts:
Proverbs 4:23
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
I feel the pain of the outside processors - I am one. But if you are at the beginning of your life, let me save you some heartache:
Surround yourself with smart, honest people who will love you enough to tell you that you are wrong, or are willing to sit down until you work through to your solution without taking on your problems or offences.
If you are in a personal process - like grief or infertility, or waiting for a relationship - be careful with the amount of people to bring into your inner circle. Too much talking could lead to debilitating insecurity, confusion or fear. God loves you, He loves your process and He wants to teach you through the challenges you are going through. You need to hear from Him. Anything that brings confusion is not from Him. Even your closest people cannot hear from God for you. You need to get your marching orders from Him - THEN you can talk to people who love you and will echo what He has said.
What you are going through is valuable. YOU are valuable. Your brain is meant to be a peaceful place where joy, kindness and faith are jumping up to handle life's issues.
I don't have many regrets. I know I am forgiven, but if I could do some things over, I would be more careful with my process. So, I will write it here in hopes that I can save someone from wasting words or inviting trouble by using their mouth without restraint.
Three cheers for wisdom, and lessons learned, even if it was the hard way from time to time.
This is SO, SO GOOD!! Thank you!
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