grace

there is season for everything. some seasons i like better than others.

i was praying yesterday, kicking around ideas of where i am in my life. and i realized that i missed the weather forecast. i keep thinking it is winter, i am dressed to the top of my head, braced for the next wave of bad news.

let me explain. the last decade of my life has been full. it has not all been bad, of course some beautiful things have happened. i got married to a wonderful man, we had the miracle of two new babies joining our family, we bought a beautiful home, i have the honour of having a great job, and continue to have amazing friends and family.

but it has been a long, dark night. i didn't get married until i was 33, my mom was diagnosed with cancer the week after i got engaged, my mom suffered and died from that same cancer the following year, my dad also got cancer (and thankfully recovered), we have ridden the roller coaster of infertility for the past 6 years, and i had two miscarriages.

i get tired just reading that. and i am not saying all of that to extract pity, they are facts now, events that i lived through along with the every day ins and outs of life.

and my faith took some hits. my heart, i am realizing in the last couple of days, is tired. i see in me that i have grown weary in well doing.

somehow, through all of the trials, i managed to keep faith - i braced myself against the elements and took on an attitude that said "do your worst". "bring it on, it will only make me stronger."

and in many ways it has. i am a better person because of what i suffered, but i have lost something. my heart, i think i mentioned, is tired. i am a little road weary - a little more cautious, sadly, a bit skeptical. and everything is back up for question.

my dad taught me once to say "what is right about what i am doing now?", don't ask what is wrong, it will take too long to answer, but to say what is right...that narrows down the options and makes me focus on what really matters. keep what is right, lose what isn't. that is good advice.

i think what i am doing right, right  now, is being faithful. meaning consistent. but i realized yesterday i am not faith-ful. i am braced for bad news. i am protecting myself, i am expecting the worst in some ways. i am putting my hands out to soften the fall.

but i don't think this is the abundant life that i was called to live in.

that is why i am dressed for winter in the middle of the summer (metaphorically of course). and yesterday it felt like it is time to shed some of the baggage from the last season in order to walk into the new. it seems such a shame to be in a time of fulfillment, but to be so cold in heart that i can't even enjoy it.

and i wonder why the last few months have felt like so much work mentally. it is because the season changed and i missed it. i don't need my winter coat right now - i need a summer dress. i need to be in the sunshine, soaking up the warmth.

and the grace, thank God for grace, the God given ability to do God's will. He takes the burden, tells me not to worry about it, then gives me perspective on what He sees so i can change.

and for the first time in a couple of months, my mind is silent and free of anxiety about the future.

i am asking the Lord to teach me to THRIVE, not just live.

and so, in my heart, it is time for some spring cleaning, we need to go through some closets and get rid of old thinking and behaviour. and i welcome it. it already started today.

and, because i am in a season of fulfillment, i am exhausted. not spiritually, actually exhausted. i have almost fallen asleep three times just wiring this.

so, all of this to say, i am so grateful for his grace. he not only asked us to conform to His image, He gave us a way to make it happen.