people pleasers

i am the guilty party in this case. if the club made t-shirts, i would have one. i would have tried to turn it in 1,000 times because it is a title that most of us run from. it usually means that a person cares more about what people think than they should. of course, that is a trap we can all fall into, but some of us struggle more than others.

i would agree that to please others while losing your own identity is a big mistake, however, i would like to say that people pleasing isn't all that bad. especially when you consider the alternative. what exactly is the alternative? to make people angry all the time? that doesn't sound very appealing either.

it is true that in different seasons of my life, i have been paralyzed by fear of what people would think. but in some ways, i am grateful for those seasons. that is where i learned to read body language, to pick up on nuance in conversation, and to know when people are glad they are talking to you or if they would really rather that you go away. those are good skills to have in your tool box. how else do you learn them? i wouldn't know, insecurity was my classroom for all of it.

now that i am a grown up, i understand that some people click, some people don't. some people are fun to be with and to even make happy, some people will not be happy no matter how hard you try. so, if i throw my efforts in profitable directions, i don't mind making people happy.

we will have fans and we will have people that don't like us. especially if we are leaders. i hate that lesson. sometimes, just being a leader pushes people away. and if we will ever truly lead, there is no way to escape people dis-liking us intensely.  i rely on the wise words of Bill Cosby for those moments - "I don't know the secret to success, but I know the secret to failure is trying to please everyone".

i can't please everyone, and i have stopped trying (most of the time) but i am still glad that i know how to make some people happy - i am glad that i learned how to lift the load off of people through laughter and kindness. i think of all the years that i tried to stop being a pleaser - i lived in a world that almost made that title a swear word. but i am ready now to celebrate my people-pleaser-ness.

if you want to be in my club, let me know. we could do pep rallies or something.

fear

fear is such a strange emotion.

i don't know anyone who doesn't fight it in one way or another. i think it could be said that fear is the most common human emotion. you may disagree because it manifests itself in so many ways, but i lump fear with anxiety, worry, even anger and despair. most of the troubles that ail us come from the root of fear.

when we are afraid, we control. when we are afraid we retreat into ourselves and believe the worst of ourselves and others in the secret places of our minds.

it is a voice. a voice that usually whispers to begin with, then it grows into a conversational level and if not corrected previously, it begins to yell and back us into the smallest version of ourselves.

i usually don't even perceive it at first - it starts so small. "how could you have done this" or "forgotten that?". "you never...", "you always...", "if you could only...", "if you would get your act together...".

and that is only the internal fears of our personalities - what about the fear of circumstance? "this will never happen" and that is usually followed by a conclusion rooted in the 50 ways we have blown it or missed the mark. "what will happen next?" is the question that plagues us all. without roots or ceilings we are left to wonder and give into paranoia.

my dad (my ever-so-wise dad) has said (and don't tell me if he is quoting someone else, i like to think he made it up) "95% of what we worry about never happens and the other 5% doesn't happen the way you think it will." and you know what? that is the truth.

the circumstances that had me all tied up in knots once upon a time have passed now, and everything worked out for the good. not that life is a cake-walk, of course some things do come to pass - but when they do there is grace for that moment. unlike the hypothetical moments that make everything seem impossible.

there is no grace for worry.

when i say grace, i mean the God given ability to face life and do what He says. like grease on gears, He makes the whole ride smoother by enabling us to live His way.

you would think we would figure this out. if i look back, how could i deny that everything works for my good since I love Him and I am called according to His purpose? but i do deny it every time i cave into stress and anxiety.

and it starts so small - "will we have enough? things are tight, how will we make it work?". and i end up having these tumbleweeds rolling around in my brain that, left unchecked, will shut me down in a matter of time. and just one question keri harvey - has He ever failed you before?

no. no sir, not even once.

of course at the time of greatest crisis i would have thought so. but that was just because i wasn't yielding to His timing or His grace. trust and relationship are not a walk in the park, but if i look back, i cannot deny that He has always, always come through for me.

i say all of this because i noticed my thoughts recently. my stress levels were on the rise and it could be  due to the fact that we have 4 small children - but i need to remember that He gave us 4 small children and He will give us the grace and the provision we need for all of them. Time, money, attention, and sanity. He will not fail us. He is love and love never fails.

so, be still my soul be still. today may be hectic. today may feel a little more stressful than days past, but there is a price to pay for the promises you receive, there is the gift and there is stewarding the gift. now is the time to steward the gifts that have been graciously given.

and so i will. Lord, please guard my thoughts and my heart. help me to keep my fears solidly at your feet. you have given - now i will receive your provision and i will not question you when you told me not to worry about anything. amen.

 ok, enough of that. i have two hungry boys to feed!

babies are such a nice way to start people

need i say more?

perfect timing

There were so many days that i wondered if this day would ever happen. Would I ever know what it felt like to have a little life inside of me? Would we ever hear the sound of pyjama -d feet coming down our hallway?

5 years ago tomorrow - 2 days before Mothers Day - 2 years into our infertility issues - our first adoption fell through. we were devastated. we hoped and prayed for this baby (a beautiful little boy), and for reasons that were beyond what we could see at the time, it just was not meant to be. we left that hospital so aware of our barrenness, so broken and desperate.

and tomorrow, May 11th, 5 years later we are having two little boys. The EXACT date of our heartbreak, God has redeemed and made new.

I used to dread Mother's Day. Well meaning people would make sure I got a rose that they give to moms at our church..."you are a spiritual mom". that is no small thing, i cherish that title. but to have my own baby, to cuddle and raise and watch from infancy on - that is what I wanted. That is what we begged God for.

This year, I will be a new mom of 4. 4 children! Not bad for a lady who thought she may never have one.

And He, in the way that only He can, has pulled out the stops for us. Emma will be 3 in August, Alina turned one in December, and these little men will join us tomorrow. 4 babies in less than 3 years.

I know people think we are crazy (and for the most part I agree), but when you live through 6 years of infertility,  there is not much about having babies that seems too difficult. I am just grateful I get to be a mommy.

So, stay tuned friends, our new additions will be here tomorrow around 10:30 in the morning.

I can't stop smiling.

beauty

I was watching Kennedy Center Awards last night. I love this award. It is given for a lifetime achievement in the arts. The president is there, and it is always packed with really high profile stars and politicians.

The episode I watched last night was honouring Paul Simon, Yo Yo Ma, Meryl Streep and Barbara Cook (a famous Broadway singer). So, in case you haven't watched before I will fill you in. The honourees sit in balcony seats with the president and first lady, while their colleagues walk the audience through a montage of their life's work. Even if i don't love their music, dancing or poetry, I can't help but be swept into their story - small beginnings, hard work, dedication, sacrifice, and excellence.

I am an admirer of Yo Yo Ma (cello player). He dominates the classical music world, and yet he has spent the greater portion of the last twenty years merging with all sorts of other genres from folk, to bluegrass, even going mainstream with Bobby McFerrin.

He was a joy to watch as people that he had played with on different projects went through the songs they had played together. He genuinely loves music, whether he is playing it or not. He was captivated by the entire thing. His face shone with joy and pride - i am sure he had mentored many of those musicians along the way.

Then at the end, James Taylor came out, joined together with all of these varied artists and a whole children's choir and sang "Here comes the sun".

That is when I saw it.

Beauty - the overwhelming power of beauty.

They panned the audience and there was Anne Hathaway crying her eyes out - and she was not alone.

It is not like "Here comes the sun" is a downer song - quite the opposite actually. But it had built so beautifully, and we all saw and heard for that moment what Yo Yo Ma hears and sees when he hears music. He, and those who honoured him, brought us into that moment that made all other moments worthwhile.

And I found myself crying too - swept into this moment with them.

All of the hours upon hours of hard work, practice, mundane scales and rehearsals all poured into this moment when the curtain goes up and the audience is invited to come out of their every day lives and welcomed in to another moment when everything seems to be full of magic and possibility.

I had this moment once. Right at the end of my senior recital to get my degree in Classical Voice -in the last 20 minutes of my performance - something happened - four years of teaching and coaching, practicing when i didn't feel like it, and making thousands of mistakes, all culminated into one moment when I understood what my job was. And i understood the transcendence of that moment. I realized then, that what I saw, I could help others see, and how I sang, moved people from paying bills and cleaning house to a beautiful place of story and imagination.

It was beautiful.

Everything about music changed for me that day. I realized that I am not a gift, nor are my talents or abilities. The gift wasn't given so I could feel great about myself. The gift was given to relieve the load that people carry - to take them to a new place and help them find rest from the mundane.

I see it more clearly now than I used to - and I cherish those moments when they happen. When true beauty, the kind that takes your breath away, enters into the grays of life and changes the way we look at things, even if it is only for a moment.

Of course it is not just music. It is reconciliation between estranged family members or friends, it is a moment of pure laughter even when tragedy is hanging dark in the air, it is a soldier coming home and surprising his family. It is simply anything that makes your heart swell with wonder and removes whatever shadow had been lingering there.

It reminds me that our Father makes everything beautiful in its time. We may trudge and plow and think there is no progress being made, but then a beautiful sunset, a flower out of place in a dry field, a deep giggle from a child, and we are refreshed and ready to take one more step.

beauty is the gift He gave us so we would keep going when everything feels lost.

so i pray that we all have a surprise encounter with beauty today - something that brings tears or laughter - just to remind us that life is made to be cherished and that we are not alone.



 

anniversary circa 5 years ago

Shawn and I celebrated 8 years of marriage last tuesday. That still seems amazing to me in some ways, mostly because I can hardly remember what it was like before we were married. My sister said the exact same thing to me after she had been married for a few years. I was lamenting, whining, crying, moaning, all sorts of other non-flattering activities about not being married yet when she told me that. i didn't believe her at the time. i understand now.

So, Shawn and I were just talking about blogging etc..and he remembered a little devotional that i put together for a friends shower - it was one of my favourite messages. mostly because even re-reading it, i laugh out loud at my crazy relationship with my husband. he suggested that i share it with you, and i, being the submissive wife that i am decided to obey him post haste.

so...here you go...i know it is two blogs in two days, but i had a three week drought there so i need to catch up.

As you must know, God pairs us with just the right person for our personality. So in our case, Shawn is the left brain, and I am the right. Between the two of us, we have one full brain. This is encouraging.

On the outside, you would think that I am the dramatic person of the two of us, and this is mostly true, but Shawn has his own sense of drama (These stories are told with permission).

Shawn likes things to be the same, I never do the same thing twice. Shawn is methodic, and a precise person, I…am not. 

We have recently stumbled on a common phenomenon in married life it is called “try this babe”. I only say that it is common because as I have shared my story I discover that there are many other women who play this game with their husbands – it can range from licking a live battery, to scuba diving in shark infested waters, to (and this is my story) being told that vinegar is the cure for a cut, and he even got the vinegar for me while he laughed his head off in the pantry. Then proceeded to pour vinegar into my wound. This is his delight.

Another fun game we like to play is “cold feet”. This game happens when one of us comes to bed second and tortures the warm one with the popsicles that our toes have become.  I knew this game was out of control the night we were watching a movie and Shawn got up for a snack. I decided that a snack would be nice, so I went to the kitchen to find my husband WITH ONE FOOT IN THE FREEZER. His plan was to come back and place that ice cube of a foot on me under my nice, warm blanket.

So needless to say marriage is a work in progress. There are all sorts of things we should do, and can do better. But they take time to build in, and even then we have our off days or weeks or maybe let’s just say seasons.

Shawn and I recently went on a road trip. A very fun road trip. The goal was adventure and to see new things. We got both. One leg of our trip was to spend a few days in Yosemite National Park in California. I say Park loosely, because that is what they call it. I would call it something else, because I call Disneyland a park and a big one at that. In parks things are automated or accessible. Even the smaller parks involve gentle recreation like swinging, or riding the merri-go-round.

Yosemite was not like this. Everything here worth seeing was at the top of the mountain, and if you wanted to see the good stuff you needed to climb to it.

So I would call it, Yosemite - Aerobic Workout that you better have the right gear for or else, adventure in the wilderness/ kind of jungle safari park. Or you could call it “build your marriage mountain”, since communication between loving spouses changes once you are three hours into a promised one and a half-hour hike up a mountain that starts at 8,000 feet (that hike ended up taking 7 hours by the way). 

So here are a few things I learned about marriage on Build Your Marriage Mountain:

1. It always looks easy from a distance:



1. The mountain is so beautiful when I am sitting in my car and I am not huffing and puffing my way up it. All I am thinking from the car is “I bet the view from the top is so beautiful”
2. Marriage Lesson: Lots of people have opinions about what marriage should look like when they look from a distance. But once you get into it, it is quite a bit different. The trail may be steeper than it looks and there are lots of hidden turns that you don’t see when you are looking at the beautiful view.

 

2. Sometimes you need to compromise.
1. I am not what you would call a “hiker”. I walk, but that is very different than hiking. This trip was Shawn’s brain child and to say that he was excited would be a gross understatement. We were wilderness bound, with inspiration waiting to be discovered. This is not my idea of holiday, I would choose shopping, or sitting by a beach…something, well, lazy. So we decided that for everyday that I spent on the side of a mountain, he would spend a different day in the mall.
2. Marriage Lesson: I learned what it felt like to see my husband so happy at the top of a mountain, and enjoyed the times (as I was huffing and puffing up the hill) when he would yell back to me “You are filling my love tank babe” or “You are the best wife on the mountain babe”, of course I am thinking “I am the only wife on the mountain, all of the other ones are shopping”. But that is not the point. Now that I have had a shower and I am out of my stinky clothes and attitude, I am so glad that I went and that we had that time together, even if it was uncomfortable.

3. No two paths are the same.
1. About three-quarters up the hill, we saw another couple walking down the hill toward us. They were talking and laughing. As they got closer I asked “Is it pretty close to the top?” The woman, a fit, my guess marathon runner (since she was wearing a shirt that looked like she had to run one to get one), said “oh no, just about two more switchbacks and you are there. When you get to the top, there is a beautiful meadow and it is just beautiful”. So I think “ok, two more switchbacks. I can do this”. Of course this wasn’t true. It was actually another hour to the top and there was no meadow.
2. Marriage Lesson: No two courses are the same. Some people look like they are just whizzing through this and they never struggle. Some people have to stop often and re-group. Marriage is a self-paced trail. The important thing is to get to the top. To love each other along the way, and to focus on your path. We can get distracted when other people pass us, and I think as wives we feel like we are letting our spouse, our families, and other people down. Or, we compare our marriage to other relationships and we think that if only our husbands did this or if our house was like that…then….. All I have to say is, what looked like a meadow to my marathon lady, looked like a mountain to me. But there are probably other things in my life that seem easy to me, that are not easy for others. It is best to be content with what we have, and to love the adventure God has us on.
4. No matter how you get there, once you get to the top, the view is breathtaking.

1. So sure enough, the trail did eventually end and landed us right at the top of a three mile waterfall. We walked out of a forest and into a paradise. There was cool, clean water to drink, rocks to sit on, and a chance to enjoy the fruit of our effort. I am not exaggerating when I say I put my whole head into that cold water and stayed there until my breath gave out. 
2. Marriage Lesson: You will fight. You will probably fight often in some seasons. Your marriage is worth fighting for. It will feel thick, and hard and you won’t want to take another step. Sometimes you may forget why you started this in the first place. BUT, one smile, one “I’m sorry”, one kindness in the middle of frustration, and you will break into a brand new level of closeness and intimacy like you can’t even imagine now. The view from the top is worth it…. Everytime.

5. Miscellaneous thoughts about marriage. 
1. Shared adventures are the best adventures. When you have to choose something new, make sure that something takes you closer to your life together instead of closer to a path of individuality.
2. Bank loving words and gestures so when tension comes, you have an account to draw from.
3. Learn to laugh at yourself, try not to laugh at him, unless he is laughing at himself of course. 
4. Finally, hypothetically, if your husband tells you to release the C02 cartridge in the whipping cream dispenser before unscrewing the lid, listen to him. If you don’t and the whipping cream explodes all over the kitchen, smile for the camera as your husband laughs his head off at you.  

So there is some sage advice from an old married lady (says the Keri who had been married for 3 whole years) 

It is good for me to hear this again today at our 8 year mark.

Here's to marriage everyone - By the grace of God, it just gets better all the time! 

accentuate the positive

eliminate the negative...thats how the rest of the song goes. you should look it up on you tube, it is a cute song.

what i am setting out to do in this blog is to do just that - accentuate the positive.

what is true is that i feel like i am being sawn in half right under my rib cage. it is actually a combination of that and taking a hammer to an already very sore organ. i am not sure anymore what organ it is that is sitting directly under the right side of my rib cage, but it does feel swollen and i am pretty sure that the baby on that side of my tummy is rubbing their darling head aggressively against said swollen organ.

so, i am not traditionally a sit down and read books for hours on end while i lay on my side kind of a gal, but this is exactly what is happening. and i have another 6 weeks to go.

in the grand scheme of things, 6 weeks is nothing, really it is nothing. but as i sit at this end of 6 weeks, i have to admit it feels like a long time.

so to stay true to the title of this blog, i am going to review the good things that have happened in the past couple of weeks:

1) Emma (2 and a half) has found her sense of humour - and she is totally cracking me up! last night she grabs a chair, pulls Alina (1 and a half) over to it, sits her down and then stands behind her with the announcement "Hold still Alina, this is going to hurt". then she grabs her hair and begins to pull it back like she is going to karate chop it all off. Of course Alina can sense danger, being the second born, that instinct comes naturally. so she grabs the little chair, holds it behind her bum and proceeds to run out of the room as fast as her little legs can carry her. i was still laughing an hour later. to top it off, emma made up her own words to "if you're happy and you know it" from "clap your hands" to "shake your bum". and then she would wiggle so hard she would fall down. All around, she was a super hyper - super funny toddler last night that brought on a much needed laugh for her dad and i.

2) speaking of bums - the other night, the girls were in the tub, shawn was monitoring - but he went to get their pyjamas ready - and then this glass shattering scream came from Alina. the obvious question "Emma, what happened?". her answer "i bit her bum". and indeed she had. poor kid, right on the fat of her cute little bottom  - a perfect bite mark. life with toddlers is always a funny ride because you end up saying funny things like "Emma, we don't bite other people's bum's". Add that to the list of things you never thought you would say in your lifetime.

3) Shawn has been a gold medal dad - because i can't be a very hands on mom right now. he is in charge of every diaper for alina and every potty time with emma, most bedtimes, all wrestling and then special dates out with the girls so i can have naps. most household chores and the job of nurse to me have fallen on his capable shoulders, and i am so proud of him.  i have loved marriage, but i have never loved it as much as i do now. there is something so amazing about watching a man become a husband, take up the responsibility of a household and a wife. but nothing, i mean nothing compares to watching a man become "daddy".

4) our community has rallied and loved us. we are getting meals and calls with concern, and paper plates so we don't have to do dishes (isn't that a creative idea?). we are so grateful and humbled by the people around us. i have to admit, it is hard to be the needy one for this extended amount of time, but i plan to repay all of this kindness when i get off my couch - so all of you better watch out!

I sure don't mean to sound fake, over-positive, or saccharine. i could write a whole complaining blog, but i simply don't find that interesting. if you ask shawn, he can tell you that i am not always in the best head space, but you and my computer have found me in a good headspace, so why not talk about the good stuff?

stay tuned, we are on the home stretch for bringing two new bouncing baby boys into this world. I cannot wait to meet them!