what if

It started with a conversation. I was talking to a new friend in October. She lost her son to cancer a few years ago and she said "I did not think I could do life without this boy". I came home and hugged my baby boys tight and prayed that I would never have to walk out that particular heartache.

Then I went to see Lincoln - such a good movie by the way - there was a scene with a battlefield, you know, the typical battlefield scene, bodies stacked on top of each other, smoke rising from piles of who knows what? And it hit me, those were someone's sons. They were someone's fathers, and brothers. They were a mommy's baby once. I am sure this seems obvious, and I am sure that I have thought that before, but this time I have baby boys. Those could be MY babies. That could be my story...

Then the shooting in Newtown - I couldn't stop thinking of those families, about that whole town. What was their Christmas like? They will never hold their babies again. They will never see them get married, they will never go to another Christmas concert for that child, and on it goes.. Unspeakable, senseless, horrible reality they are living in right now.

We were in a bookstore the other day and I saw a title "When God asked for my Isaac", I didn't even want to look at it, but I did. Sure enough, it was about a story of a mother who lost her baby Isaac. And I have an Isaac....

So, yes, a little melodramatic so far but stay with me.

I realized by the time that I set that book back on the shelf that I had been letting a little hamster run on a wheel in the back of my mind. I realized that I have been worrying that something could happen to my kids.

We have fought long and hard for these little lives. I  hit my knees until they had bruises on them begging God for these children. Now that we have them, what would happen if something happened? What would I do? How would I survive?

I hate worry, but it sneaks up on me and it rumbles around for awhile before the back of my mind thoughts become the front of my mind thoughts and I realize I am starting to foster not just worry, but actual fear.  And the worry almost always starts with "what if". What if something happens to Shawn? What if something happened to one of the kids? What if our finances fall though? What if that person thinks that about me? What if I let these people down? What if? what if? what if?

And to this I say - What if?

What if those things happen?

Will I walk away from God? Will I bury myself in bitterness and self-pity? Will I close shop and stop letting people into my life?

I cannot.

I pray that I would have the fortitude to press into the pain and let the pain remind me that there is more to this life than the life we are living.

 that this is not the end.

One thing I know. This life is not the end. There will be a reunion. There will be a greater day. We who believe in Christ will go to a place where there is no more sorrow, no more pain, no more tears.

I know loss. I know heartache and grief. It is exhausting and difficult. But for grace -  until you are there, you can't know the grace that carries you through impossible storms.

Without it, it is impossible to survive and grow through it and to come out stronger on the other side. But with grace, we come out of that dark tunnel of disappointment, heartache and sorrow with beauty, strength, patience, courage and a host of lessons that we can offer to others who need a friend in their moment of suffering.

I dream of heaven. I cannot wait to hold my mom again. I ache for the beauty of worship that never ends.

But I am here, on earth. Destined to walk out God's dream for my life.

My assignment is to untether myself from the magnetic pull to find ultimate fulfillment in this life, and to remember that this is not my forever home. This must have been what was in the heart of the psalmist when they asked "Death, where is your sting?"

I pray that this is how families in Newtown Connecticut are finding their way through the unspeakable grief they are facing.

Today my assignment is to raise, with open hands, these beautiful children that giggle and bring me so much joy. I must not live with fear, but with laughter and boldness.

Forgive me for making the first post of the new year a little somber - but I just needed to get that out of me.

The best is yet to come. No matter how it comes.

With a smile to my future, I welcome you 2013.