seeing around corners

i am thinking tonight about transitions, and change. i have been observing my girls and of course, they are  teaching me. Alina started crawling a few weeks ago, and she is quickly picking up the knack for pulling up on things (you can imagine that this is a game changer for the mommy and the daddy, there is no more just laying around and making cute little noises).

I am on round two of watching babies develop new skills. there is a pattern, as much as babies follow a pattern. 1) they are content, enjoying the stage they are at. 5 weeks ago, Alina would lay on her play mat and coo and make great little noises. but then she started turning on her side which leads to 2) they get frustrated because they can tell there is something else that they should be able to do but they just can't yet. so she yells and cries and grunts and groans until...3) she figures out what to do and then she is off to the races. About 4 weeks ago, Alina was up on her knees rocking back and forth, and in no time she was crawling at lightning speed into the kitchen and under my feet.

and then, this week the pattern repeated itself - she was not content to crawl, now she is up on her knees finding tables and shelves, anything that is just a little taller than her that she can pull up on. but she is frustrated because she can't do it yet, and sometimes she bonks her head on the floor when she is trying to get up.

the thing is, i am pretty calm throughout the whole process. i know she will figure it out. i am there to comfort her when she gets too mad or hurts herself... i am guessing you can see where i am going with this.

Matthew 6:25-34“That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing?  Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?
  “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?
  “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

 “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today."

and there you have it. 

i can't see around corners, but He can. and He is not nervous - not one bit. 

He is compassionate, He is patient, He is ready to encourage and comfort, but He is not worried that we won't figure it out. 

so, the question for my heart..."why do i have so little faith?" which is really what i am saying when I am worrying. inadvertently, i am saying "i can't see around corners, but neither can You, so i better not sleep well, and i better spend lots of time spinning my brain and trying to figure it all out." 

and i get frustrated. but i need to be frustrated if i am going to change. 

in every process, there are things that i can do, and then there are things that only He can do. I cannot open doors, make things happen, make dreams come true. but i can practice faithfulness, servanthood and humility. and i can keep trusting. 

Alina does this by instinct. she doesn't really worry that someone won't come to get her. she is bold in her learning (mostly because she doesn't understand gravity, but still). and i want to be bold in my learning and my practicing. 

i don't know what all of this flexing and lifting will produce, but i do know that when i turn the corner i want to have more character than when i stood on the other side. and i want my faith to say "no matter what, i trust that you will catch me if i fall". 

and more importantly, i want to remember that in all of this that not only does He see around the corner to what is coming next, He sees me. and if my little human heart can explode with joy when i see Alina figure something out, I just have to imagine that my Father jumps for joy when i do turn that corner knowing and loving Him more.  

if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. 

once again Lord. you have left me speechless. thanks. 

optimism

i feel the need to clarify my last post. my sister will be embarrassed that i am saying this, but she was worried about me. she said that last one didn't sound like me. if you felt the same, i am sorry and i am fine. (not that i really think you are spending all of your free time worrying about me, but still) it laughed a little when she asked me because i was, literally, falling asleep while i wrote that. i woke up twice and my fingers were still moving - so who knows what in the world i was saying. the whole scenario makes me laugh a little. not that what i said wasn't true, i just usually soften it a little before i hit "post". so there you have it.

i am happy to be an optimist, usually things hit me but i bounce back pretty quickly - i think the main thing i was trying to say was that i haven't really done a personal inventory for a little while and i think some of the deeper places of my heart need some attention.

i think we, our family, are moving into a new season (who isn't?), and i don't want to pack old stuff with me. i need to keep fighting for a clutter free life. it is so easy to just stay in the same old mindsets and slide into negativity. but we need to fight it. every day, i need to fight it. and the truth is, i have no reason to be negative right now - life is good. really good. but negativity is a rut and sadly the default setting for the fallen heart.

even today - the anniversary of the attacks on the twin towers, we must believe that there is hope and there is beauty even in the darkest nights.

life changes, hardships happen, we take hits and sometimes we get knocked down. BUT - in the end, we must get up, keep our hearts buoyant, and find joy in the everyday things.

and i need to remind myself, i am not pounding on the door asking for promises right now. i am through the door, keeping my house and running after my little promises every day.  i am not dreaming, i am living the dream. dreaming is a little cheap in comparison. living the dream is costly, and it takes a lot to embrace every minute of it.

but who is complaining? i have, in it's own time, received every single thing i asked for - at least the big ones and who cares about the rest?

there you have it, that is what i meant to say the other night - i am happy to report that i haven't fallen asleep even once in the process of typing this. ta daa!

grace

there is season for everything. some seasons i like better than others.

i was praying yesterday, kicking around ideas of where i am in my life. and i realized that i missed the weather forecast. i keep thinking it is winter, i am dressed to the top of my head, braced for the next wave of bad news.

let me explain. the last decade of my life has been full. it has not all been bad, of course some beautiful things have happened. i got married to a wonderful man, we had the miracle of two new babies joining our family, we bought a beautiful home, i have the honour of having a great job, and continue to have amazing friends and family.

but it has been a long, dark night. i didn't get married until i was 33, my mom was diagnosed with cancer the week after i got engaged, my mom suffered and died from that same cancer the following year, my dad also got cancer (and thankfully recovered), we have ridden the roller coaster of infertility for the past 6 years, and i had two miscarriages.

i get tired just reading that. and i am not saying all of that to extract pity, they are facts now, events that i lived through along with the every day ins and outs of life.

and my faith took some hits. my heart, i am realizing in the last couple of days, is tired. i see in me that i have grown weary in well doing.

somehow, through all of the trials, i managed to keep faith - i braced myself against the elements and took on an attitude that said "do your worst". "bring it on, it will only make me stronger."

and in many ways it has. i am a better person because of what i suffered, but i have lost something. my heart, i think i mentioned, is tired. i am a little road weary - a little more cautious, sadly, a bit skeptical. and everything is back up for question.

my dad taught me once to say "what is right about what i am doing now?", don't ask what is wrong, it will take too long to answer, but to say what is right...that narrows down the options and makes me focus on what really matters. keep what is right, lose what isn't. that is good advice.

i think what i am doing right, right  now, is being faithful. meaning consistent. but i realized yesterday i am not faith-ful. i am braced for bad news. i am protecting myself, i am expecting the worst in some ways. i am putting my hands out to soften the fall.

but i don't think this is the abundant life that i was called to live in.

that is why i am dressed for winter in the middle of the summer (metaphorically of course). and yesterday it felt like it is time to shed some of the baggage from the last season in order to walk into the new. it seems such a shame to be in a time of fulfillment, but to be so cold in heart that i can't even enjoy it.

and i wonder why the last few months have felt like so much work mentally. it is because the season changed and i missed it. i don't need my winter coat right now - i need a summer dress. i need to be in the sunshine, soaking up the warmth.

and the grace, thank God for grace, the God given ability to do God's will. He takes the burden, tells me not to worry about it, then gives me perspective on what He sees so i can change.

and for the first time in a couple of months, my mind is silent and free of anxiety about the future.

i am asking the Lord to teach me to THRIVE, not just live.

and so, in my heart, it is time for some spring cleaning, we need to go through some closets and get rid of old thinking and behaviour. and i welcome it. it already started today.

and, because i am in a season of fulfillment, i am exhausted. not spiritually, actually exhausted. i have almost fallen asleep three times just wiring this.

so, all of this to say, i am so grateful for his grace. he not only asked us to conform to His image, He gave us a way to make it happen.

eternal

i have been thinking the past few days about Ecclesiastes - the part where Solomon boldly declares that there is nothing new under the sun, and that all is vanity. It does, at first glance, seem a bit pathetic - a cynics end to a self indulgent life. he had seen it all, tried it all, had it all. he had women, power, money, influence, etc... and then at the end, to say it is all nothing? it seems sad.

but as i get older, i see his point.

don't get me wrong. i am 100% optimist. i am a painfully "look at the bright side of life" kind of creature. so believe me when i say, it is not cynicism. it is reality.

this life goes by so fast. so so fast.

and we are so so busy.

doing what?

filling our days with work, pleasure, purpose as much as we can find it.

but what remains?

only love.

love is the only thing that stays. and that is the only lasting impact of how we affected the world around us. the things we did out of love are the only things that make it when i leave this place.

i was thinking about this because i was watching a speech by a guy who was talking about what we leave with all the social media, blogging, text messaging, email, etc... he said the amount of information left about us is unprecedented (i know, big shocker, but think about it). he talked about a guy who knew he was going to die of cancer, and he had his friends post his last blog the day he died.

but then what? what happens to all of his other blogs and who will care to read them? only the ones who loved him.

then i thought about all of my silly status updates on Facebook. i wondered how weird they would sound when i am long gone. who is going to care that i didn't sleep well, for like 3 years? I am weird, i know, but this is what i have been thinking about between breakfast and bath time.

i am, as always, determined to live each day to the full - sometimes this thought drives me crazy because i wonder if i am allowed to nap on a day lived to the full - but i also realize that sometimes i am just busy, doing the practical and necessary stuff that i need to do to get by. a life lived in love also includes laundry and dishes. i can't always be the one having significant moments with people - there are times i just need to do the small stuff.

but i am thinking again, what will my legacy be? who will i have been a part of? who will know that i loved them? i mean really loved them? i loved them not because i had to, but because i wanted to.

i hope the message of my life is not that i cared about people because it was part of my job description, but because it is my life calling and the only thing that really matters.

I will still put dumb status updates on Facebook, and i guess it will be up to another generation to figure out what to do with all of this information. i do just pray that in each day i find a way to make another person feel significant, cherished and important.

in the end, that is all that matters.

the potty season

just when you think that you are the craziest person on the planet, you can find someone crazier (i kind of wondered if crazier was actually a word, but the computer let my type and a leave it without underlining it to tell me "that is not a word you crazy lady").

i just read an article that explained how this woman was working 80 hours a week, she would pump her breast milk during breaks between meetings, and then fed ex it home for her baby. um, yeah, that is crazy. crazier than me. phew, i feel much better about myself.

of course i find it interesting that she felt so strongly that she should continue breastfeeding even though she wasn't seeing her child. i wonder what the child would have preferred, her time or her milk? just saying.

long story short, she and her husband sold their house, packed up their three children and are now in the process of sailing around the world.

makes me wonder how much we could get for our house.

not enough, i am sure.

anyway, i am just saying that i do feel crazy sometimes, but i am not shipping breast milk across the country.

i am determined to not post a thing about potty training on my Facebook wall. but i can sure see why people do it. potty training feels more encompassing than finals in university. oh. my. goodness.

today, i asked her every ten minutes if she had to go. "nope", "nope", "nope". then the moment arrives "mommy, i need to go".

you do? oh good girl! let's go in the bathroom.

so we do, and off comes everything and on to the potty.

for two seconds.

then it is the naked sprint around the house - and the expectation that i will chase her little pink bum in circles until i catch her.

but...i fooled her. i hid in the front closet on one of the laps. and i waited for her to find me. i waited, and waited. probably for about 30 seconds, but that is like 10 minutes in toddler world. during that little siesta in the front closet, my darling, relieved herself on my living room rug.

i went to 4 years of university. i am an educated woman. people trust me to counsel them, and keep their secrets. and i was bested by a two year old.

should have seen that one coming a mile away.

"mommy, its wet" she says as she stands over her masterpiece. "yes, i can see that".

heaven help me, this is just the beginning.

so, while i pride myself on not posting this on Facebook - you, my beloved blogging followers will get the rare insight into our journey to train in all things potty. lucky you.

but i do have to say that today, even with the wet spot on my living room floor, was just about as perfect a day as i can imagine. my girls made me laugh, they gave me hugs, we rolled around on the floor, and sprayed each other with the hose. it is never far from me that i wondered if these days would ever come - i know i say it a lot, but i think it more than i say it - i am so thankful that i get to be a mommy, even on the hard days, i wouldn't trade it for the world.

and now, this party animal is going to bed at 9:30 on a Friday. goodnight.

laughing in my sleep

it is crazy when it happens, especially when it happens twice in a week.

i am a bit of a restless sleeper (and i hear my husband and family say "a bit?") i was famous in my younger years for sleepwalking, talking, wandering, bathing - yes it is true, imagine being my parents!

i kept thinking, "oh, i will outgrow it". ummm, still not happening.

in my single years, i would dream that the hotel we were staying in was on fire, so i would wake a room of 3 other girls up in hysterics trying to get them out of the room, while they all tried to gently tell me "um, keri, there is no fire".

if you have followed my blog for awhile, you may remember the night i yelled from my front porch at some young men who were walking by our house in the middle of the night. scroll back if you haven't read it, the story still makes me laugh out loud.

and my husband, dear, sweet, shawn. he never knows what he is going to get when he comes to bed. one night he was woken to me climbing over the top of him so i could go to the bathroom. "keri," says he "why don't you get out on your side of the bed?" "well," says I, "there are creepy men on the other side of me and i don't want to touch them". "ah ha, that clears it all up" he says. of course i was dreaming, and in my dream we were staying in a hostel of some kind and there WERE creepy men on the other side of me. it made perfect sense.

so, this week, twice to be exact, i have been laughing in my sleep. one night, shawn was coming to bed and i was already asleep. i was laughing when he came in to our room, so he is like...."did i say something funny?" but of course i don't answer him, i am asleep. and then, last night, i had a dream that i was at an amusement park with 4 silly girls (who shall remain nameless at this point), we were on those flying swings (you know, the ones on chains that go round and round). they were trying to convince all of their friends to stand underneath us so we could kick them in the head while we went around. you would have laughed too, i know you would have. because they were so serious, and pitching a serious request "just stand there and we will kick you in the head, it will be fine" and then they were incredulous when people would say no.

so, i woke up laughing. and i think i decided today that i must not be laughing enough in the daytime so my mind is trying to make up for it at night. well, mind, stop it. i need to sleep. i hereby declare i will try to laugh more during the day, so i (and my husband) can get some rest.

goodnight.

resting

so we are just finishing up our vacation. we had such a nice time - oregon, washington, dipped our toe into california. vacationing is very different with two babies under two. when i picture vacation, i usually imagine lots of rest, reading, driving and listening to audiobooks with my husband (this probably makes us nerds, but we love it). i picture this, because that is what vacations used to look like.

this vacation did not look like that.

to summarize, the latest we ever slept was 7:30, the earliest morning was 4:30 (with a little nap from 6:00-7:30). emma spiked a fever. so we spent the first few days trying to decide if it was teething or another ear infection. so we took her to the clinic in portland, and sure enough, another ear infection. poor girl, no wonder she wasn't sleeping well. oh, and she puked all over my aunts living room. nice.

so long story short, there was not a lot of sleeping, and not a lot of reading. we would start to listen to books while the girls were sleeping. invariably emma would open one eye and before she could even take an awake breath she was saying "Boz (a big, green bear cartoon), Veggie Tales, horsey (Tangled)."

it was fun, but not very relaxing. fulfilling, full of good memories, but not exactly refreshing.

i found myself daily re-adjusting my expectations. re-writing what a holiday looks like. sometimes it was frustrating - i was tired - some days even more tired than i am at home.

it got me thinking that when i was dreaming about having kids, and i spent a lot of time doing that, i wasn't paying the price to have them. i just wanted them. sure, they would have a poopy diaper here and there and there would be a couple of sleepless nights, but we could handle it.

what i didn't realize was that IT NEVER ENDS! it is not a need here and there between good books.  it is a constant, beautiful, tugging at my shorts "up- a - mommy" kind of world. and the needs just go on and on. i am up more than the sun these days and that is saying a lot where i live.

this promise costs me two things 1) my selfishness and 2) my desire for comfort.

before we had these two little wonders our house was quiet. we would roll over on a Saturday morning at
9-ish, look at each other and say "what do you want to do today?"

we never say that anymore.
we never roll over leisurely and look at each other anymore.
instead, it is a bleary eyed - "which one is it? what time is it? what is going on? who is going? i'll go. no, i'll go. ok, you go" rats.

and it's milk and breakfast and we are off to the races.

it is a beautiful inconvenience. so utterly indescribable how we can be at the very end of ourselves at one moment, then a smile, a giggle a new word or action, and the big ol' "you are the best kid in the world" eraser comes and takes away all of the frustration (well, most of it, until the next time they do the exact thing they should not be doing and then they look at you with that "what you going to do about it face", yeah that frustration stays but the rest of it...you get the idea).

the truth is, i like me better as a parent. i am glad i am not dreaming about a promise anymore but i am living it. i like that i am not as selfish as i used to be, even though it takes a pound of my flesh every time i have to choose them over me. i like that i am learning and teaching patience at the same time. and i love that i get to be the presence that calms things down, makes the room erupt into giggles, and gets the biggest smiles from the cutest little faces i know (and trust me, these are some cute faces!)

this promise is expensive, and i wouldn't have it any other way. we will vacation again, one day. we will miss these days and wonder where they went. so here i am telling myself yet again, to live in this moment, enjoy these days. new days, new challenges will come.

in the meantime, here's to better living through caffeine and knowing where every park from here to oregon is.

this is the life!