conviction

you know that nagging feeling when your conscience says "ahem, don't do that"? I would call that conviction. My heart is saying, "that decision could be detrimental to our long term happiness", but my flesh wants whatever it is that i am making a decision about, so the arguing begins. it occurs to me that conviction, as i am describing here, has a shelf life of about three minutes.

at that point, i must make a decision. that decision either leads me to follow that conviction, or it leads me to defend the decision, why i want it, and how it it is my right to have it. and that path leads to condemnation with a downward twist to failure thinking.

these are the decisions that shape the patterns of my life.

whether or not i live a pure life publicly and privately, whether i exercise or not, whether i live a kind life or a sarcastic life, whether i am a complainer or a thank-er.

and these decisions become what others think of me.

by default, i am selfish and i want comfort above all else. my fall back position is to defend myself and my actions even if i know i am wrong (i know i am not alone in this).

it is that three minute window when the most important decisions of my life are made.

will i give in to bad behavior, and then justify and defend it to the death? or will i humble myself, ask for strength and become the person i most want to be?

i hate the stingy, selfish, prideful side in me - and i don't particularly enjoy being around it in others either. of course, it is easier to see in others, so i can point out their flaws more readily.

for instance, we went to the grand opening of the new wal-mart here in chilliwack. it was big news around here. it is not just an ordinary wal-mart, but a super one with groceries and everything. there must have been 2,000 people there. and everyone wanted the same parking spot, closest to the door. so, manners be hanged! people were darting in and out of parking rows, we almost got run over (even with child in hand) and two people were waiting for our spot when we left. one friend told me that she saw a woman get cut off for her spot that she had been waiting for, and she slammed her car into park, got out and yelled at the guy who did it. this is our modern society. aren't we proud of ourselves?

all of this so we don't have to walk as far, or get there first.

i don't think anyone would see that behaviour as virtuous. but we all feel that sense of entitlement to what we want when we want it, no matter what.

we need more conviction, and we need to listen when it comes.

to me, it is more important to walk in integrity than it is to whip out that perfect sarcastic response, or that moment of lazy pleasure, or even the perfect parking spot.

conviction is a gift, and i pray i open it more often.

ode to napping

today, my amazing husband took my daughter on a drive to costco for the sole purpose of giving me time to nap. i love napping. it is the sweetest sleep on the planet. so, for two hours i laid on my couch, sans any motion in the house and i slept like a baby.

which by the way, i think that phrase is a fallacy. well maybe when the baby is two months and younger, but once they get a little older, their sleep is not any better than ours.

so, here is my little tribute to napping...

my dear nap, thank you for the chance to clear my head, rest my pregnant body and drool all over my pillow. i am happier and have more energy, all because of you today. i pray we get to see each other again sometime soon.