the humbling of keri harvey

i don't think i ever spent much time looking down my nose at parents, thinking to myself "when i am a parent..." maybe every once in awhile when a parent seemed crazy in wal-mart or something like that. so i don't feel like i have a bunch of words or thoughts to eat in the judgemental department. however, being a parent is so much more challenging that it seems. i think if anything, my respect for parents has shot to the moon.

i read books. lots of them. books that tell me how to put her to sleep, how to discipline, some of what to expect. but there are so many things that are not covered. like when she, with her sweet little 14 month old face, looks at me and for the 10th time that morning, drops her toast on the floor. we clap our hands, we say firmly "no", we slap her hand (don't report me). and then i think "what is she learning?" "what is she trying to do?" am i winning this battle? i don't think so. every child since the beginning of time has dropped food and expected their parents to pick it up and tolerate their behaviour. and no one says "this is how you handle that". or how about her fascination with everything that plugs into the wall? or the new discovery...the fireplace. the fireplace is a problem because it is right next to her favorite place in the world, the hearth. i can't keep her off of it, so how do i keep her out of the fireplace? no one talks about that. and today, while at a friends house, i found her chewing on something, she spit it into my hand and what was it? yup, a used band-aid. who chews on a used band-aid? my child.

there are days when she will wake up and sweetly, contentedly play with her toys. then there are days when it feels like she has 14 hands and all of them are touching things she is not supposed to.

it's the voices i hate the most. "you are failing", "you are teaching her bad habits". "you are spoiling her".  the hardest part of those voices is that sometimes it feels like they are coming from the people around me in the way they look at me, or in the statements that definitely imply "i wouldn't do it that way".

maybe i am failing. but i don't feel ready to bring the gavel down on this little person that can't even say a sentence yet.

so i am feeling a little defeated by the little one in my life today. and maybe there will be days when i will ache for such seemingly simple problems, but today i wish i knew how to keep her busy little fingers in the places that will not cover her with old soot, or electrocute her.

but, all is not lost. she let me brush her teeth today with just a little bit of a fight, and i got three kisses before she went to bed for the night.

Lord, let all of this love pay off, and let me read my daughter as much as i read those books, teach me to teach her and let her grow up to be a sweet girl and not a criminal, amen.