the dash

Shawn made a powerful observation while we were in the hospital. I was pretty consumed by the life that i was birthing into the world, and once she was born, i was cocooned in my room feeding and sleeping. Shawn was taking walks around the hospital to stretch his legs or get in some emma time. while he was walking, he noticed that palliative care was on the same floor as the maternity ward.

Shawn's grandpa breathed his last breaths on that same floor.

when you get off the elevator, you can turn left or you can turn right. should you turn right, you will see women waddling, maybe moaning during their contractions, or the sweet little bundles of new life. should you turn left, you will smell age, and antiseptic that burns your nose a little. it is quieter, more solemn and contemplative. faces do not show signs of anticipation, instead there is a resignation that someone they love is in the throws of another kind of process.

they will pass from this life into the next.

and it makes one wonder.

in those little steps, one to the left or one to the right, what did we do with our lives? were we loving, kind, purposeful, and profitable? or did we squander our lives on selfish living and vain pursuits?

it is a small dash that separates the year we enter the world, and the year we leave it. within that small bit of punctuation we will love others and live out our principles and philosophy. when it is all said and done, there will be a residue that our lives leave. and many will mourn us, or few will have known us.

when my mom was in the hospice, we would take long walks through the garden they had provided. many people had taken time and money to donate engraved stones to memorialize their loved one. they are moving tributes to people i will never know, and yet, they still made me cry.

honor leaps from my heart toward a life well lived.

eternity is in my heart. it is in all of our hearts. we feel it calling us, reminding us: "don't waste this moment"

don't live in frustration, consumed by petty arguments. don't spend your days in vain pursuing things that will be destroyed. money disappears, popularity fades, hard times come and go. what matters most is our hearts posture toward Christ,  the character that we show in the middle of our lives,  in the choices that we make and the people that we love, even when we don't want to.

if i do not love, i am nothing.

if i do not give my life for others and live in generosity of spirit, nothing else matters.

nothing

nothing

nothing else matters.

when i die, if i have lived out what i believe, i will pray that this is what people remember of me.

that i loved them.

that i was a safe place for them.

that i gave my life for something beautiful and bigger than me.

i want my dash to be pregnant with memories of tears and laughter, faith and hope, joy and dreams.

and when i take my last breath, i want my family and friends to rejoice with me if i can say "i have fought a good fight, i have run the race, i have kept the faith"

let it be Lord.

Amen

well, we did it

the beautiful day arrived and we got to meet the newest little member of our family, Alina Joy, on Dec. 14th, 2010 at 11:27 PM. She is amazing. beautiful black hair and the sweetest little pug nose you have ever seen.

i wont tell all the stories right now, but I just wanted to log in and say "wow".

i can't believe the world is as populated as it is. labor is intense.

but then you get your bundle and ignore the rest.

we are so thankful, and so blessed to have her.

we do not labor in vain

the day has arrived my friends. i am going to have this baby. right now, i am between contractions and waiting to go back to the hospital. so far, this experience is like none other. the pain is very intense, but then it stops and it is like..."hmmm, what should i do...vacuum, jump over a building?" but when the contraction is hitting there is the very distinct smell of gunpowder in the air and it feels like some cartoonish villain is hiding behind some barrel ready to hit the ignite button that is located in my lower abdomen.

(TMI ALERT - YOU MAY NOT WANT TO KNOW THIS...)

My water broke on Saturday, and now it is monday. i didn't know that my water broke. i was sure i had just wet my pants, like, 4 times. pregnancy is always changing, so i just thought that the baby had rolled onto my bladder and decided to stay there for a little bit. last night the nurse kept saying "yes, there is proof of ruptured membranes" and i kept saying "is that good, is that normal?' we were not connecting, this nurse and I. when she was saying ruptured membranes what she was saying was "yes, your water broke". thank goodness for shawn who was able to translate and tell me that it is normal and good.

my nurse. let me just throw out this disclaimer...it was 1 in the morning and i was in pain. however, when a gruff MATERNITY nurse walks in during a contraction and says "what brings you in tonight?" i have to suck back every sarcastic and biting comeback that is sitting right at the back of my tongue. what i did say was something like "well, i think i am going to have a baby". anyway, she got better as the evening went on, and then she gave me morphine, so now we are best friends.

the good news is, she is off duty now.

the bad news is, she comes back at 7. and i don't know when i am going to be ready to actually deliver, so she may be there for the whole shooting match.

but pretty soon, i am going to be having intense contractions and the Apostle Paul could walk in the room and I may not notice.

so, here is the status...they sent me home at 4 AM with morphine. i have slept and the contractions have slowed down. it is now almost 1 PM and now we are waiting for the contractions to kick back in full gear so we can go back to the hospital and have a baby.

today, at some point, or tomorrow morning in the early hours, i should have a baby.

this moment that i have dreamed about for my whole life is about to happen.

to me.

and i can't wait to meet this baby. i can't wait to see what parts look like shawn and what parts look like me.

and i get to go through all of the milestones again. and emma gets a little brother or sister. what an amazing, amazing opportunity.

thank you Jesus. thank you.

may your days be merry and bright

isn't that a nice greeting? i like it. I think i shall sign off with that from now on, Christmas or no Christmas.

i just finished ordering our Christmas cards. i like them, feeling a little sensitive because they say happy holidays rather than merry christmas. yet again, political correctness has stolen a nice phrase and made it something that sounds generic like there is nothing on earth that is worth believing in with your whole heart. i say merry christmas without shame, however, the layout of the card that i like came with the standard greeting "happy holidays" so i will go with it.

i am excited for christmas. this is emma's second and we are due to have a pretty amazing christmas present depending on when the next one decides to make it's arrival.

in other news, as of yesterday, emma has officially decided that walking is her preferred method of transportation. what an amazing brain and body God has put together - how do they figure that out? it is amazing.

life continues to be full of twists and turns, and we wouldn't have it any other way.

may our (and your) days be merry and bright!

conviction

you know that nagging feeling when your conscience says "ahem, don't do that"? I would call that conviction. My heart is saying, "that decision could be detrimental to our long term happiness", but my flesh wants whatever it is that i am making a decision about, so the arguing begins. it occurs to me that conviction, as i am describing here, has a shelf life of about three minutes.

at that point, i must make a decision. that decision either leads me to follow that conviction, or it leads me to defend the decision, why i want it, and how it it is my right to have it. and that path leads to condemnation with a downward twist to failure thinking.

these are the decisions that shape the patterns of my life.

whether or not i live a pure life publicly and privately, whether i exercise or not, whether i live a kind life or a sarcastic life, whether i am a complainer or a thank-er.

and these decisions become what others think of me.

by default, i am selfish and i want comfort above all else. my fall back position is to defend myself and my actions even if i know i am wrong (i know i am not alone in this).

it is that three minute window when the most important decisions of my life are made.

will i give in to bad behavior, and then justify and defend it to the death? or will i humble myself, ask for strength and become the person i most want to be?

i hate the stingy, selfish, prideful side in me - and i don't particularly enjoy being around it in others either. of course, it is easier to see in others, so i can point out their flaws more readily.

for instance, we went to the grand opening of the new wal-mart here in chilliwack. it was big news around here. it is not just an ordinary wal-mart, but a super one with groceries and everything. there must have been 2,000 people there. and everyone wanted the same parking spot, closest to the door. so, manners be hanged! people were darting in and out of parking rows, we almost got run over (even with child in hand) and two people were waiting for our spot when we left. one friend told me that she saw a woman get cut off for her spot that she had been waiting for, and she slammed her car into park, got out and yelled at the guy who did it. this is our modern society. aren't we proud of ourselves?

all of this so we don't have to walk as far, or get there first.

i don't think anyone would see that behaviour as virtuous. but we all feel that sense of entitlement to what we want when we want it, no matter what.

we need more conviction, and we need to listen when it comes.

to me, it is more important to walk in integrity than it is to whip out that perfect sarcastic response, or that moment of lazy pleasure, or even the perfect parking spot.

conviction is a gift, and i pray i open it more often.

ode to napping

today, my amazing husband took my daughter on a drive to costco for the sole purpose of giving me time to nap. i love napping. it is the sweetest sleep on the planet. so, for two hours i laid on my couch, sans any motion in the house and i slept like a baby.

which by the way, i think that phrase is a fallacy. well maybe when the baby is two months and younger, but once they get a little older, their sleep is not any better than ours.

so, here is my little tribute to napping...

my dear nap, thank you for the chance to clear my head, rest my pregnant body and drool all over my pillow. i am happier and have more energy, all because of you today. i pray we get to see each other again sometime soon.

adventure is out there

today was a surprise day. i love these kinds of days. emma slept until 8:30 - and that alone was a big plus for starting the day. she was in a fantastic mood and made me laugh all morning. she has also learned how to moo like a cow, which is just about the funniest thing ever. then she had a good nap so i could study for our conference that is coming up this week. i finished my full rough draft for my message in time to pack the fam up and go for a walk at Othello Tunnels, which is one of my favorite places. it is especially my favorite place in the fall when all of the leaves are turning and the air is just cold enough to let you know that winter is coming.  now we are smelling chicken enchiladas cooking in the oven, emma and shawn are playing on the floor and emma is giggling up a storm.

i still pinch myself to make sure that this is actually my life and that is my husband and baby playing on the floor, and there is another little family member crawling up into my ribs as we speak (and that is about as comfortable as it sounds).

i used to watch so many romantic comedies and disney fairytales. they all seemed so full of the right kinds of romance and how a man should woo and capture a woman. who knew that the real thing so could so much better. who knew that the sound of that little girls laugh could hit a place in my heart that i didnt know existed?

all i have to say is that this is my adventure, and today, i am loving it.

the humbling of keri harvey

i don't think i ever spent much time looking down my nose at parents, thinking to myself "when i am a parent..." maybe every once in awhile when a parent seemed crazy in wal-mart or something like that. so i don't feel like i have a bunch of words or thoughts to eat in the judgemental department. however, being a parent is so much more challenging that it seems. i think if anything, my respect for parents has shot to the moon.

i read books. lots of them. books that tell me how to put her to sleep, how to discipline, some of what to expect. but there are so many things that are not covered. like when she, with her sweet little 14 month old face, looks at me and for the 10th time that morning, drops her toast on the floor. we clap our hands, we say firmly "no", we slap her hand (don't report me). and then i think "what is she learning?" "what is she trying to do?" am i winning this battle? i don't think so. every child since the beginning of time has dropped food and expected their parents to pick it up and tolerate their behaviour. and no one says "this is how you handle that". or how about her fascination with everything that plugs into the wall? or the new discovery...the fireplace. the fireplace is a problem because it is right next to her favorite place in the world, the hearth. i can't keep her off of it, so how do i keep her out of the fireplace? no one talks about that. and today, while at a friends house, i found her chewing on something, she spit it into my hand and what was it? yup, a used band-aid. who chews on a used band-aid? my child.

there are days when she will wake up and sweetly, contentedly play with her toys. then there are days when it feels like she has 14 hands and all of them are touching things she is not supposed to.

it's the voices i hate the most. "you are failing", "you are teaching her bad habits". "you are spoiling her".  the hardest part of those voices is that sometimes it feels like they are coming from the people around me in the way they look at me, or in the statements that definitely imply "i wouldn't do it that way".

maybe i am failing. but i don't feel ready to bring the gavel down on this little person that can't even say a sentence yet.

so i am feeling a little defeated by the little one in my life today. and maybe there will be days when i will ache for such seemingly simple problems, but today i wish i knew how to keep her busy little fingers in the places that will not cover her with old soot, or electrocute her.

but, all is not lost. she let me brush her teeth today with just a little bit of a fight, and i got three kisses before she went to bed for the night.

Lord, let all of this love pay off, and let me read my daughter as much as i read those books, teach me to teach her and let her grow up to be a sweet girl and not a criminal, amen.

a clear head

i understand now why sleep deprivation is such an effective tool for torture. i am not saying that i am being tortured, but i understand why it would be effective.

emma was teething again last week. i am beginning to wonder if she is part shark. i think she may be cutting a second row of teeth next. we have been teething every other week since she was about 5 months old. this produces a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde kind of child. one day she is lovely, sweet, full of kisses and hugs, and then she is whining, clinging and touching everything that she knows not to touch. we are on to her game, she knows that if she touches the forbidden items she gets picked up - this is no simpleton we are dealing with.

so our pink-clad jekyll hadn't been sleeping very well. and that means that this mommy wasn't sleeping either. night after night, around 2 or 3 we would hear the sad little whimpers of a baby in pain. no fun. then the screams of a baby who wanted comfort. so, we left our comfort to give her some. and in the meantime, i started slowly going crazy. irrational thoughts kick in when you aren't rested. you don't know they are irrational at the time, but one good night's sleep makes it clear.

i know this because our darling slept last night. and to make it better, instead of waking up at 6 am this morning, she actually made it until 7:15.

this seems fitting since i issued a mandate to shawn last night that he was getting up with her this morning, since i have been up with her around 6 for the last week or so. he agreed, and then she slept until 7:15.

figures.

anywhoo, the long and short of it is that we all got sleep last night and i feel like a new person. got any buildings i could leap over?

line ups

everyone has to have their talents. one of my little known talents is the ability to find the line up with the cuckoo-cuckoo who needs a price check on half of their order.

this happened yesterday.

it was pop or milk or something that was marked down to a dollar and it was coming up as 500 dollars or something like that. to make it even better,  the grocery store that i frequent is also undergoing renovations, so everyone is cranky, and the store clerks don't really know where anything is so they are taking longer than normal as well to find said item. 

thankfully i have a darling one year old girl who helps me pass the time. she flirts with all of the older men in line behind us. i don't know they are there until she starts giggling because the nice grandpa behind me is  doing the old "dismember my finger from the knuckle" trick. and because emma can't resist batting her eyes at anyone who will play with her, within moments we have a whole little gathering of previously grumpy people saying "isn't she cute? look at those ponytails. what pretty eyelashes she has". 

and all is right in the world again. 

until she gets too excited and bangs her head on the front of the grocery cart and then all of her fans remember that they were cranky and it is taking 10 minutes to find the price for a bottle of milk. 

if you are ever in the grocery store at the same time as me, pick the longest line up, and i bet you will still beat me out of the store. 

twists and turns

i was sitting in church this morning, and our pastor was sharing about how God can do the impossible in our lives, but in the meantime He is working on our character. he was encouraging us to trust God while everything is hard. i sat there with a silly smile on my face because there have been so many days that i have sat and heard the same message with no children, no husband and only a hope for those two things.

the strange thing about impossibles is that when you are in front of them they stand like a tall brick wall and you feel like the crazy that wants to see through it. when you are on the other side of it, you feel like the wise old sage that rocks in their chair and says "I knew it would happen one day".

another strange thing about impossibles is that when you are the one waiting for them it feels like there is no one who understands how you are feeling - and that your story is the newest and most difficult problem on the block. on the other side of it - everything in you wants to say "believe, it will come one day. my impossibles are now reality. don't give up."

and that is how i felt today. i was holding emma, feeling the new baby kick in my tummy and feeling my husbands hand on my back.

its not like i don't still have situations that seems impossible, but the big ones are settled. i have the love of my life, and two little ones to pour that life into. i want other people, especially the younger ones to know that there were many, many days that i wondered if it would ever come to pass. and it is so beautiful when it does, especially because i somehow managed to cross the finish line with my faith in tact - weathered to be sure, but deeper, stronger, sweeter for the trusting.

so, there i sat with a smile on my face, gratitude in my heart that today i am going to read books about raising children instead of believing through barrenness. and here at the sunset of this day, i just want to say - first it is impossible, then it is difficult and then it is done.

and for today, it is done.

the sand reveals it's secrets

i read that phrase in a devotional a few years ago. the premise behind the quote was taken from the story of Moses when he killed the Egyptian. he couldn't hide what he had done, the sand would reveal his secret.

no one is getting away with anything.

there are days when it seems like God is turning a blind eye to injustice, suffering or mistreatment. but He is not. He is having His way within the heart of man.

nothing purifies like a scorching wind of unfair treatment, or a round of betrayal. it hurts and every fibre in our being cries out for someone to notice that we are being abused or accused for things we don't feel we deserve.

but if it is unjust, unfair, a treatment based in dishonesty or spite - He will come, and defend and rescue us in due season. just when the hardship has had it's perfect way in us.

He watches, and waits to see if we will take things into our own hands, fight for our rights and demand a hearing. and He is waiting to see if we will respond like His Son. Jesus never defended Himself. He made Himself nothing, so we could have everything. Like a lamb lead to the slaughter, He never opened His mouth.

I can't imagine it - I think I would have called a press conference and made sure that everyone knew who i was and why it was a really, really bad idea to mess with me.

But, of course, He didn't.

That kind of perfection and trust would have been quite a sight.

and in the end, the truth always comes out. I bet those Pharisees slept great that night "Finally, we got rid of that trouble maker",

So, i submit and leave room for the process to change me, humble me, make me more like Him. Let the sand reveal it's secrets, and start with me. search me and know me Lord - let me look and sound like you and help me to not fight the process you have chosen for me.

running water

today i am thankful for running water. it is a strange thought to me, one who has always lived in  a house with indoor plumbing and warm water, that only one generation ago people used outhouses and took baths once a week in the family tub or the nearest stream. it is true. we were talking about this with some family members not so long ago and it seemed common that all of them had lived in at least one home that had an outhouse instead of a toilet.

look how far we have come.

this point was driven home to me while we were on vacation recently. we were staying at a lovely and comfortable cabin in the woods - but no indoor plumbing, no showers. we brought all of our own water in with us.

it is hard to conceive not showering every day, and fighting the elements whenever you needed to visit the biffy. i think i would have had a stronger bladder.

just thankful today and thought i would pass it on.

another thought about rebellion

i wrote awhile ago about rebellion and criticism. i have another short thought about rebellion that goes with the first one. it occurs to me that in order for rebellion to be effective, someone has to care about the one being rebellious. rebellion has love in its crosshairs. it has an appetite to hurt the ones that care the most about the overall well-being of the person that is being controlled by it.

we see this often with young people. when they are listening to the voice of rebellion, they feel strangely empowered to say incredibly hurtful things to the parents and leaders that are pouring their lives into them. when you are the one that is loving, it is so hard to separate their actions from who you know they are to be.

so, this is my short thought about rebellion, and i pray that i am never the one dishing out the evil poison.

courage dear-heart

it is one of my favorite quotes from a book..."the voyage of the dawn treader" by C.S. Lewis. there is a section when all of the characters are on the boat the dawn treader - one of the islands they visit is the place where all your dreams come true. at first, this sounds like paradise, but you quickly realize that your dreams are very strange places where everything unusual and frightening can happen - they realize that all of their dreams quickly become nightmares. and everyone is living in their own kind of torment. they hear everyone around screaming, but can't hear what is plaguing each of the others. they have lost their sense of direction, and it is completely dark. everyone begins to feel as though they will never escape this haunting.

in this moment, Lucy, cries out "Aslan, Aslan, help us" (or something like that). and at that moment a huge bird flies over her head and whispers "courage, dear- heart". then the bird proceeds to light their way out of the darkness.

courage dear- heart.

that is what i told someone today. i had to break some bad news to her, news that i knew would rock her world and send her into her own cloud of confusion. sometimes being a leader means that we see the storm coming before the person does. and we offer words of encouragement, experience and hope. but words can't describe the process that they will have to go through. and my process is different than theirs, so at best, my words can be road signs and signals that will hopefully prevent them from going off the trail all together. but it is theirs to walk, and be faithful, and keep their heart pure before the Lord. no one can make that choice for them.

all i can say is courage- let this fashion you, let this make you the woman you are supposed to be. let your heartache see you trust God through the storm. force your flesh to sit and listen while you worship through your tears. let every demon in hell see what you are made of when things don't go your way, and let heaven mark you down as one of those who will not bow to self-pity and anger. courage dear-heart. there will be better days, but you will be better for these days.

and one day, you will have to tell someone bad news and with all of the compassion in your heart you will say "courage"- and you will know just how much they need it.

the little moments

it is easy to forget, that it will not always be like this. that emma will not wake me with little coos, that she will not giggle just so and squeeze her hands together like she is in love for the first time - she will not always be small enough to pull out of her car seat sound asleep, and let me carry her sweet smelling self into the house to put her to bed.

i get tired and busy and forget sometimes that it will not always be like this.

these moments are the ones i will remember when she goes to school for the first time, or the first time she has a crush on a boy, or when she graduates, and (jesus help us) when she gets married. i know i will ache for that little moment when i got to snuggle my little girl and put her to bed.

so i look at her now, with her hair in yesterday's ponytail, making a mess of the living room for the first of 5 or so times today, and i love her so much it hurts.

these moments go by so fast, and there is no slowing them down. only living in them while they are here. so, sitting here in my pajamas, earlier than i want to be awake, i celebrate this little moment and the joy she brings me. parenting is the ride of our lives, and we have just begun.

time to go play on the floor with our little wonder.  

a full circle kind of day

i would like to take this opportunity to thank the people who took our chicken, pork, turkey, shawn's runners from our back porch and my ipod, my new yummy cherry lotion from body shop, our movie mania card for the video store, and all of our cd's from our car.  it is true, last week, we woke up to the sad news that we had been robbed. they must have been hungry to take our frozen food - so that is how i was able to let that go. i have to admit that i was pretty sad about my ipod, and my lotion! how strange.

one week later, we have now locked the freezer, replaced shawn's runners, and managed to figure out what to make without chicken. we have emotionally recovered from our loss.

but tonight, around 9:00, a delightful surprise knocked on our door. our friend kyle showed up with a sly smile and a handful of money. WHAT???

our amazing friends felt bad about our chicken loss (actually they felt the worst about my ipod) and they took up a little offering for us. how sweet is that?

so you thought i was kidding when i was thanking the people for taking our stuff...i was being serious. if they hadn't taken all of our stuff we wouldn't have been able to see that beautiful part of our friends hearts. if you were one of our friends that snuck up on us with that fun surprise, and you are happening to read this, i thank you most sincerely.

a nice discovery

i am renewing my permanent resident card so i can stay in Canada. and as i was rummaging through my papers in my "immigration" file, i ran across the vows i spoke to shawn on our wedding day. it may seem strange to find such a thing in my immigration file, please reference the last blog about being an overcoming disorganized person. the fact that i still have it is success to me.

anywho - i was reading these handwritten thoughts that i spoke to my groom on my wedding day and it flooded my mind with so many memories- i am going to type it here as well. that way if i ever forget that "marriage vows" are under "immigration" - i will still be able to read them.

Shawn,

God told me once that i would always be surprised. and you have been the biggest surprise of my life. you arrived in my life as a friend, and you have proven yourself to be one of the kindest, most thoughtful people i have ever known.

on that beautiful day in november you emerged from the shadows and somehow were transfigured from a friend into a question mark - "could shawn harvey be the one i have been waiting for?" the months that followed turned my question into a resounding YES!

Shawn - today you are giving me a wedding ring, but that ring is replacing another ring that i have worn for many years. this ring has been a daily reminder to me that i was set apart for holiness, heroism, vision and restraint. these commitments that i made with this ring kept me walking forward in the darkest times - those decisions demanded a song of praise when my heart was in captivity - those decisions transformed me from the selfish child that i was into a friend of God.

For so many years i have loved the Lord as my redeemer and groom. He has pursued me and provided for me as His bride. Until today the garden of my heart has been shared with Him alone. I have been a garden enclosed. but today, i become your bride. I welcome you into my heart, and everything that i have built with Jesus, i now freely share with you.

Thank you for being my friend, my ally, and my greatest supporter. you have taught my heart to dance again, and i love you. I am so glad that you are the one i have waited for. you were worth it all!

...six years later and i could say all of it, all over again. thick and thin. better or worse. sickness and health. till death do us part.

i love that man.

overcoming over and over

i am a recovering disorganized person. i spent years of my life creating crisis and then cleaning up my own mess. i work hard now to be organized, a good communicator and responsible. this comes easier to some, so this may not make sense to you if you are one of those. for me, making sure my schedule is clear, not double booked or overcrowded, that bills get paid on time, documents are renewed before critical things (like my permanent resident card to stay in Canada) expire - these are all the things i have to spend extra time thinking about because my default position is to forget and then i have a crisis. if you are like me, you may understand, if not, you could be thinking "people like you drive me crazy". yes, i know.

that is the other problem. i like making people happy, so when i do create a crisis, say by not communicating with work about what days i am coming in this week, i am spun into an anxious mess. i hate disappointing people, being the weak link, or feeling like i got my priorities messed up. this is all because i am recovering from being that disorganized mess. i got so tired of saying "i'm sorry, i will change".  i did change, but i created a crisis today and right now my head is spinning with all of the old anxiety.

it is funny to me how we can overcome so much, but one little moment, one mistake and we are flushed right back to the old version of ourselves.

i hate condemnation. there is nothing beautiful about it. and guilt just makes me feel like i have to strive to outrun it. guilt makes us busy. i hate the guilty busy.

so, right now, i am choosing to start this day again. refresh my view of myself. i am not the mess i once was, i have to assume that others see that. in fact, i am pretty sure this is all just in my head and no one else is thinking twice about it.

funny thing about overcoming, it sounds like you would only have to do it once, maybe twice. but time has shown overcoming is a life-long process, and today i get another chance to crawl out of the old me and live in the new.

and i need to be thankful that in Christ, i get that chance as many times as i need it. so thankful i am.

here's to starting over...

everything stinks

sorry it has been awhile since i have written - i was in alberta for about 4 weeks. but in case the news hasn't reached the great big out there, i am pregnant. yup - it finally happened. i am one of those gals who has a little life inside. i still can hardly believe it. i am thankful that i am not experiencing much morning sickness, but there are a couple of other little side effects happening. one of them is that everything stinks. strong smells that don't necessarily stink to others like spicy things, fast food, emma's poopy diapers (well, those actually smell).

it is a strange thing. we had yummy souvlaki for dinner last night, today, i opened the refrigerator and oh! it stunk! couldn't even eat it after that.

but it feels like i have a little bottle of carbonation in my lower abdomen, and i will put up with all sorts of stuff in order to carry and eventually see this little miracle that is growing there.

milk doesn't smell, maybe i will have some more of that.

so excited

well, here is some good news for my little heart.  shawn and i have been a bit stressed about our vacation this year. in shawn's words "i want a happy wife and i want to avoid spending a lot of money". i want that too. but i have to say that "staycations" are just not my thing.  you don't really relax. at all.  i have prayed for a solution. and then....today! a friend here in edmonton was telling us about this little rustic cabin they built near here, and they were saying that they had a heart to loan it out out to friends or people in ministry. then, while we were talking we figured out that we could house swap - they could enjoy our area of the world and its closeness to alot of fun things - and we could enjoy some camping in a little cabin out in the middle of nowhere. yes, just what we need! it is just a little way away from sylvan lake and other cute little towns that we can go and explore on days that we feel like going for a little day trip.

oh, i am so excited to tell my husband that we get to have a vacation!! he is going to be so happy!

the difference a year makes

mothers day is next week. for the past few years, mothers day has been the hardest day of the year for me. it is kind of like valentines day for the single. singles awareness day. i find that days to celebrate a certain demographic of people tends to also highlight those who are not in that group. of course, i never struggle on fathers day - i will never be one. but, mothers day...it used haunt me and mock me. then, every year there was that moment in church when all of the moms stand up to be celebrated. they deserve to be celebrated, but i wanted to be one of them and at that moment is was so, so obvious that i wasn't.

it didn't help that a few years ago we thought that we were going to be parents on that very weekend through adoption and then the birthmom changed her mind. i do not hold anything against her for doing this, it just made an already hard weekend harder. it's kind of "barrenness awareness day".

so, needless to say Mother's Day has not been my fav-o-rite day for quite sometime. and it is coming next weekend.

but this year it is different. so different. so wonderfully, dressed in pink and pretty bows kind of different.

this year, i am a mom. a full-fledge, bonafide M-O-M. I get to stand with all of the other ladies who have passed into the status of motherhood.

i wear my title with great thankfulness and honor - i have had the sleepless nights, the endless poopy diapers, the tears that come with each little milestone, the stretching of my heart in ways i never thought i would experience.

i sat in church last weekend with tears streaming down my face because we were singing the part of a song that says "nothing is impossible for you, you hold my world in your hands". and i was holding emma, my little miracle - saying with all my heart - nothing is impossible for you. You knew the whole time she would be ours, and now she is not just the evidence of things hoped for - she is the substance of our faith, we touch her, kiss her, love her. she is real. she is ours.

so i anticipate next weekend, i won't run from it. but i will never forget the ones who may be sitting there with no little bundle, no one to celebrate their contribution. they will be there, quietly hurting, waiting for the day to pass and smiling when all of the other women stand. i want them to feel seen, understood, appreciated.

so, Lord, help me to see them...more importantly, let them know that you see them, and that you have not forgotten about them - whisper in their hearts "nothing is impossible for Me".  we believe Lord, even when we can't see.

now faith is

i have been troubled. i have been troubled for awhile by a debate in my head about God's sovereignty. there are times, like now, that i am asking God to bend the normal laws for me. I am older - not old - but older than most seeking to have a baby. by the laws of nature, it should be improbable. and at times i think, is it possible? isn't it just a matter of His laws being played out in my body?

this debate started when my mom was sick. can we bring about our own premature death, by eating wrong, living wrong? can we, who love Jesus exercise that kind of power? do we say the day we die? or does he? i cannot, knowing what i know, say that i make that decision. but is it a free ticket to do whatever we want because it is all pre-destined anyway?

it is, i think, like the balance of grace. Paul said "what then, shall we continue in sin so that grace may increase? may it never be!" but do we need grace? yes. does that mean we don't love God? no. emphatically, no. it means that i love Him and i do my best to serve Him, to honor Him. and, He is mindful of my frame. He knows that at best, I will fail and even my most righteous acts must be washed in the blood of the lamb. but does that give me the excuse to live as i please and then throw out my prayer for forgiveness? no, i would not love Him if i lived like that.

i need to care about the things He cares about, but when i fail, and in my humanity I am neglectful of things i ought to really tend, He loves me and came to give me a way back to Him.

i must believe that He is sovereign.

and what is a miracle but the bending of the laws He created to make a way for man?

can't He make a way for me?

Abraham did not waver according to the promise - though his body was as good as dead.

from my devotional: Instead of growing weak, his faith grew stronger, exhibiting more power even as more difficulties became apparent. Abraham glorified God for His complete sufficiency and was "fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised. He is the God of limitless resources - the only limit comes from us.

and in the end, it was this very faith that made abraham a friend of God.

and i pray, dear God, give me that kind of faith. that believes you when all the laws of probability are stacked against me. you are eternally able to do what you have promised.

now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

air quality

we went away on sunday night for a little anniversary celebration. emma stayed with grandma and grandpa. so nice. i don't think i have ever appreciated a clean bed and yummy smelling soaps so much in my life. i jumped right onto that beautiful bed and took a nap. a delicious nap. have you ever had one? when you are in the perfect temperature with no noise, no distractions and no set wake up time? ahhhh, it is the thought of it that still makes me sigh with bliss.

shawn doesn't nap. when he does he is sick. thankfully he wasn't sick so he wasn't napping. but i was. yes, i was.

the joy of going away is that you don't think as much about well - balanced meals with good veggies etc... it is time to splurge. yes. and we did. bbq for lunch (mediocre) and pasta for dinner. at ordering, both sounded good. now, in retrospect, i think maybe a few more veggies would have been a good idea. i guess the spinach in the spinach and artichoke dip doesn't count?  my tummy didn't seem to think so.

i was kind however and stayed away from the meal that the waiter explained as "if you like garlic, you will love this meal". I thought, "hmmmm, small room, long night of burping etc...better not" so imagine my surprise when Shawn says "sounds good to me".

and you guessed it - all night - wow, there is a gift there.

and today when we were driving home...still giving birth to that wind. he tried to do that discreetly, but we weren't in chilliwack and there were no fields to blame it on. when i looked over at him as if to say "was that rotten oder coming from your general direction?" all i got was a sheepish grin (maybe a diabolical grin was under the sheepy one) and such was my life for the remainder of the drive home.

window up....window down...oh my goodness! how much more do you have in there?

in fairness, i do have to say that shawn is nice to me with my issues. remember my little nap? i know for sure i was snoring, but he always says "just heavy breathing my love".

isn't marriage great?

in the middle of the night

who knew that there was a whole world of activity in the middle of the night? not me, i am a morning person. i am that person who falls asleep in any movie that carries on past 9 PM. for those of you who are night people, you know that a whole world exists after 10 PM, 12 AM, and even later. i still think all of you are crazy.

against my will i find myself awake at some of your crazy hours because emma is teething. last night, i found myself halfway down the hall before i woke up and realized emma was screaming. poor little girl. sadly i am so disoriented, most of the time, the best i can do is stand over her bed and stare at her while trying desperately to think of how to help her. thankfully shawn, a card carrying member of the night people's society, comes in with all his wherewithall and says something like "maybe we should give her some Motrin" "good idea" i mutter.

a few months ago some young guys were walking down our street around 2 in the morning yelling at each other at the top of their lungs. emma must have been crying as well because those two sounds joined together in my head and i started dreaming that those boys were abandoning a baby in the bushes in my front yard. the next thing i knew i was standing in our doorway yelling "WHERE IS THE BABY" at the loud boys on our street. i have a vague recollection of one of the boys saying "he is fine" meaning the other guy was fine, to which i yelled "I DON'T CARE ABOUT HIM, WHERE IS THE BABY?".

it was when i started yelling that shawn woke up. ah yes, the adventure of being married to Keri, anywhoo...within short order shawn is standing faithfully at my side saying "keri, there is no baby, leave the boys alone". by then the boys were long gone and i am pretty sure they will avoid this street and the crazy lady who lives on it in the future.

all of this to say that if you are a night person, you can have it. give me mornings and sunrises, a good cup of coffee and a full day stretching out in front of me.

and for the record, shawn is going to put a lock on the door that i can't reach in the middle of the night.

as if that will stop me.

funny man.

i am willing

Jesus was approached by a man with leprosy and the man simply says "Jesus, if you are willing, make me clean" Jesus says "I am willing". Matthew 8:1-3

it just struck me today. He is willing.

He is willing to reach out to my bruised emotions, to my unbelieving heart, to the places of my life that have been eroded by the leprosy of the world we live in.

He is willing.

isn't it a great question that the man asked? i wonder if he thought he was being polite. "if you don't mind, it is a bit uncomfortable to have my fingers falling off, it would be wonderful if you could find it in your heart to take a moment and shake some of your kingdom power on me. you are awesome, i know you can, but will you? will you for me?

for me, i suppose it is not so much a physical thing. it is more an internal job and i don't want to be a whiner, you know, someone who plays the victim. but yes, i struggle with unbelief, fear and anxiety. it may not be a disease in my flesh, but it is eating my heart alive. it kills the faith i want to have and reduced my desperation into a polite little request from one who has forgotten in the midst of it that He is for me. 

I can see Him. smiling, reaching, a light in His eyes. "Yes, I am willing. and i will cure more than your body. I will remind you that I care about you - and I haven't forgotten about you" There is no rebuke, not with this one.

thanks Lord for the sweet reminder that each of us are in your heart and you know how to love each of us, right where we are.

"they got me!'

we love the series "band of brothers". it is an amazing mini-series about WWII. One of the characters, a writer and a man who hated war, gets shot somewhere along the line. when it happened he yelled out "they  got me". you definitely get the impression that he had practiced what he would say in the event of getting shot. "they got me" was not in his plans. he was actually quite embarrassed about it, like he was in an old spaghetti western and a guy named "black-eyed pete" got him good.

anyway this is the memory that came flooding into my mind the other day when Shawn and I were walking out of a restaurant. He had Emma and i had all the stuff. as i walk up to the car i hear shawn yell (really loud) "My Knee!!!" i turn around, and in my memory this is all in slow motion, to see shawn stumbling to the ground doing all he can to not land with his full weight on our daughter.

i have a horrible habit- i laugh at the most inopportune times. i wish i could stop, honestly i do.

my husband just sacrificed his knee- threw all of his body weight onto it- to make sure that emma's little organs didn't get squished. i wish, in retrospect, that i could have felt more like a MASH nurse, that rushed to his side and did something STAT. instead i grabbed Emma, had to turn around because i couldn't stop laughing.

this is very embarrassing for me.

mostly because when he yelled out "my knee!"and then started to roll back and forth on the ground,  all i could hear was "they got me!" and it felt like the whole world instantly turned into a john wayne movie.

shawn is fine, emma is fine. and i did truly care about his well being in between fits of laughter.

i am grateful that he knows that i am like this - he didn't even get mad at me. good man.

the mom's club

i was at costco tonight - a little diaper run, they are on sale - i went by myself because emma is teething and was cranky pants all day. it is not normal for me to be relieved for a little alone time, usually she is such a pleasant little girl. but today, i was grateful to get in the car and drive around with no one depending on me for anything. once i got to costco, i noticed another lady with her little girl. a little knowing smile passed between us. two moms.

there was a time about two years ago when i melted down - another month with no baby - and i remember telling Shawn with tears streaming down my face that it felt like there was an exclusive club for moms and i couldn't find the door and no amount of money would get me in. it was a terrible feeling. to sit at gathering after gathering where the main topics were about birthing, teething, bowel movements, and general celebrations about every achievement of all the kids. it wasn't that i minded the conversations, i was happy to hear all of the fun news, i just had nothing to contribute. there was no common ground.

i hated that feeling of total isolation.

the worst part was that every friend and family member would have done anything to get us into that season. but it wasn't time yet. and for whatever reason, it was ours to wait.

and so we did. we waited and cried, every month that we thought there was hope, we would ride the rollercoaster. maybe...maybe this time. and then no. not this time.

but then, one day, out of nowhere, a phone call. a chance. a maybe.

and then a few months later another phone call: "we are on our way to the hospital - meet us there" two hours later, a miracle was passed into my arms. and my love for her is fierce. so strong it rips me apart sometimes. it is like she was birthed in my heart. my heart was her womb and she was birthed there in those months when our answer was no, not this time.

it was a different kind of labor. i didn't require stitches, and i didn't have post-partum, but i birthed her, of this i am sure. it was the birthing of my heart.

so, teething or not, i am grateful for my little girl. and i can say now, i am grateful for the waiting. it has made everything on this side sweeter. my daily selfishness is swallowed in the gratitude of her every breath.

emma means "complete, whole". when we named her that it was a faith statement that she would be lacking nothing. instead, she came to complete me, my marriage and admit me one ticket into that exclusive club: i am her mom.

too serious

i decided today that sometimes i am too serious in this blog. i shall work on sharing more lighthearted things as well as my "deep end of the pool" thoughts.

let's start by saying that there are times that i come home and shawn is playing his favourite video game - in an earlier post i had mentioned he was a little flying man with a propeller on his head. well, now his little man is wearing a penguin suit trying to forge through and icy wasteland. i cant imagine why this is more interesting than talking to me.

there is not much to report today - other than shawn is a penguin and i am trying to convey happier thoughts. so i will just say that i had a lovely day, we picked out Emma's dedication dress today. and i am pretty sure there has never been nor will there ever be a lovelier little Emma Harvey in the whole wide world.

i think i shall find a way to capture my husbands attention now. goodnight.

a requiem for gratitude

editors note: woman on a rant, about to appear here -

how has it happened? when did it happen? didn't our parents teach us to say "thank you?", to bring an apple to the teacher? when did it leave? how did entitlement swallow courtesy? i find it painful, hurtful, when you throw your heart and soul into something and it is left like a dissonant chord hanging there, waiting for someone to come along and say "thank you for making my world a little more beautiful, even for five minutes"

am i selfish? that we should do things without thanks is a given. of course, i know this.

i don't get, nor do i expect, a standing ovation for sweeping, doing grocery shopping, changing that poopy diaper and cleaning the outfit that it spoiled. i don't expect it. but when it is out of the way...extra, you know heart and soul poured into it kind of stuff, don't you think there should be a little moment, an exchange that says "your sacrifice was worth the effort".

just so this doesn't feel like a guilt trip,  i am not meaning the people i counsel or mentor - i feel their gratitude in the way they live their lives. i have a special grace to not need any special awards for that.

it is just the ins and outs. the things we do that take a special effort, and it is met with an attitude of indifference and familiarity rules with the expectation, "well, that is just what you do". it makes me want to say "well, what if i didn't?"

did Jesus feel this way when He healed 10 people and only one came back to say "thank you"? where are the other nine? well, they were probably thinking "well, Jesus, you are the messiah, that is just what you do." but He wanted thanks. and we ought to give it to Him.

i am not in a messianic delusion here, i know He deserves the praise and my little offerings are ridiculous in comparison, but i am grieved by the lack of gratitude in our hearts as a culture.

it reminds me of a time when i was in the bulk section of the grocery store and i walked by a lady who was outraged that the store had run out of prunes - on and on she went, and i of course, was thinking "yes, you need them" - but there she was tearing a strip off of this poor fellow who was simply trying to re-stock the peanuts. once she was gone, i told the guy that people should travel to other countries and see what it feels like to be in line all morning for a loaf of dry bread only to reach the front of the line to realize it was gone for the day. no bread for their family that day. too bad. yes, that happens. and we, so full, so satiated have the nerve to be angry over prunes being out of stock.

anyway, tonight i will search my heart on my bed and repent for the areas of my heart where i am ungrateful, because God knows i am sometimes. and tomorrow i will continue my campaign to all within the sound of my voice to acknowledge others efforts, great or small with a simple "thank you" - that costs me nothing, but could mean the world to them.

rant over. thanks for listening.

say to this mountain

shawn and i hiked up teapot hill the last two mondays. don't let the name fool you - yes, it is a hill, but it is a steep one, at least for me. why i do this, i don't know. but there i find myself, donned with hiking shoes and all ready to climb and huff and puff my way up this hill. there is no little trail that leads to the steep part, it is steep right from the parking lot and it doesn't level out until you are about 15 minutes into it. i dont know why i always feel closer to God when i am out there - maybe because every breath feels like a gift. first i lecture myself on being out of shape and then i just have to concentrate on putting one foot in front of another.

so once it did level out, we stopped for a minute to catch my breath - shawn didn't need to catch his, he is a stud. but while we are standing there, me, panting like a dog on a hot day - a lady RUNS up and past us. as she passes, i say "good job!" and she replies "I am 50, everyday i can do this is a gift". that's right folks, 50. and i feel like such a withering reed.

break over. breath caught. we proceed. and then i start thinking about the verse when Jesus says - "if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain 'be thou removed'" and i begin to wonder - is the mountain moved? or are we just in better shape to get past it?

maybe there are times when the mountain moves, a temporary barrier like a car when you are trying to cross the street, but, from my own experience, i think i just get better at climbing over it. issues that used to be mountains have become more like speed bumps. but other issues that i have right now in my life still feel like mountains. history shows that even these mountains will shrink and i will be able to step right over them once they have taught me the lessons i needed to learn from them.

so, once again, it is all a matter of perspective. a hill that is hard for me to walk up in my thirties, is the mountain that lady can run up in her 50's. it is simply a matter of endurance and discipline. the more endurance and discipline, the smaller the mountain seems, the easier it is is to climb. when my faith is disciplined and i have learned to persevere, i can leap over mountains that used to stop me dead in my tracks.

ok, so don't tell shawn that i am getting inspired while we are hiking, he will find bigger hills just to see what i come up with.

far as the curse is found

i find it so interesting that at christmas in every mall and grocery store you will hear this song - joy to the world - but that one line came into my mind today "He comes to make His blessings flow, far as the curse is found". i know it is not christmas, but how can i help it if christmas songs fly through my head, yesterday jingle bells flew through quite a few times. anyway, i had a point.  i think it is great that such a profound truth makes it into the mainstream life at least once a year.

to think that He comes to make His blessings flow far as the curse is found - is SUCH a profound thought. it is true that the sins of the fathers is visited on to the third and fourth generation. but even more importantly, He came to overtake the the curse, as far as it is found, with his blessings.

did you ever see fantasia 2000? you should. the animation for the firebird suite shows a forest overtaken by a fire, the forest is a ruined, charred landscape. then, hope. the firebird flies over the forest and brings the beautiful, green landscape back with her - a green blanket overtaking the scorched darkness.

a simple reminder that there is nothing the enemy can throw at us that the Lord cannot restore. second beauty is better than original beauty. there is a special love that comes to dreams that were stolen, cursed and then restored.

the curse is strong - divorce, abuse, fear, rejection, insecurity - but God is stronger. He sweeps through our charred, broken landscape and scatters His seed of hope and faith. the miracle of re-birth and then the beautiful, restored life emerges. we are stronger for what we have suffered. we are fierce about freedom. a determined, broken army of restored souls ready to seek and save what was lost.

His blessing is flowing, as far as the curse is found.

the truth about that thief

i spend quite a bit of time listening to people talk about the things the enemy has stolen. innocence, time, purity, joy, peace. you name it, if it is kingdom given, the enemy wants it and he won't stop until he can devour every beautiful thing from our lives. when we are ignorant of this scheme and this strategy against us, we are ravaged, spoiled, overwhelmed, defeated, and resigned. as a leader and lover of people, it never ceases to amaze me the things that people have survived. and there they are...saying "when i was 8, i was molested", "they said this when I was 10", or "I never knew my dad, I don't even know what he looks like".  these hearts are ravaged. fear of the future, regret for the past, heads hung low in shame, minds battered by torment.

until, He comes.

and there He is. He begins to woo,  and court us.

when my grandma died, someone at the funeral told me that my grandpa used to whistle a little song  called "sentimental journey" outside my grandma's window when he came to court her. he would whistle this under her window, and it was her signal to come outside and see him. my grandpa had died one year earlier and the person talking to me said "i think he was whistling to her, he was ready for her to come and be with him".

i think this is what the Lord does with us. in the middle of our broken and charred landscape, He begins to whistle His song, sing His song of deliverance over us. and we run to the one who can replace what the enemy has stolen. not only does He replace, He makes it better, He makes it like it never happened. Only better. better because we are smarter, stronger and ready to pull others out of the same darkness.

and He loves us. how He loves us. so beautifully He loves us. He melts our resistance, His perfect love casts out our fear. and right in the middle of that barren field, He gives us beauty for ashes, strength for fear.

Jesus loves me this i know.

our young people did a declaration a couple of years ago. my favorite line continues to be "just try to tell me my God doesn't heal. Just try to tell me my God doesn't save. just try to tell me that God doesn't do miracles in this day...you're looking at one. "

so restore, Father. teach us to be a part of the healing for others.  restorer of the broken walls, repairers of the breach. let your kingdom come. here. now, on our earth as it is in your heaven.

our family rocking chair

we have a picture of my dad holding my sister and i in a rocking chair they bought when we were babies. that chair has been with us since then. now that chair is in emma's room and i rock her to sleep in it every night. it strikes me every time i hold her, in that chair how my parents must have felt about me and my sister. and i wonder, "did they have the same emotions that i have sitting here, loving this baby more than life itself?" how could i have receive that kind of love and not even been aware of it at the time? i can say that the love that came to me in that chair grew and shaped me long after i was too big to fit in their arms anymore.

and it makes me want to scream out loud "I WANT MY MOMMY!"

there are times, like tonight, that it rips me wide open for the wanting of her laugh and her smile and her deep belief that i could truly do anything. i want to see her looking at emma. i want to see her delighting in every little thing she does, just like i do. i ache to hear her tell me that i am doing a good job, and that being a mommy looks good on me. all i want to do is be a mom like she was.

to be fair, i am not delusional, she was not perfect. there were many things that i am sure she would have changed about herself. but there was one thing she was exceptional at, and that was being our mom. and God, i miss her.

i am spoiled for life by her belief in me, because no one replaces that pure, abandoned faith that a mother has in her child. i know that now because i joined the mommy club and every acheivement for emma- great or small-makes me want to take out a front page ad that says "did you see what she just did? isn't she amazing? isn't she the cutest thing you have ever seen?"

and it makes me want to salute those who didn't have that fan in the front row in the form of their mom, but they are claiming that spot right now for their babies. they limp through life so their kids can run. they fight their demons so the kids can live with angels.

Thank God for moms. truly, thank God.

and for another day, i will save the posts about dad, because heaven knows he is pretty amazing too. and on that note, i just want to say that i am glad that he is still here. more about that another day. i need to blow my nose.

why i love the olympics

certainly not because i am an athlete - although in my dreams i do wish that i could actually look good in any of the outfits these people wear...luge, honestly. maybe i could wear the goalie outfit for hockey...figure skating, have you ever noticed that the men are fully clothed but the women are flying around on ice in bikinis? anyway, that is a topic for another day. and here i am saying that i would love to be an athlete, but i am not.

so why do i love the olympics? i will tell you. last night we were at hudson's bay company in downtown vancouver when canada won the first gold medal on canadian soil. we heard it before we saw it. the entire store, yes, the entire department store went crazy- complete strangers hugging and saying "yeah canada!". when we stopped to see the replay on a tv in the middle of the men's section, a whole group of people stopped to watch with us. for 30 seconds we all stopped and celebrated the achievement of a mogul skier that no one expected to win.

when we got home we watched the tv footage of his interviews, etc... so then we find out that this guy has an older brother that has cerebral palsy. they show these two brothers together, and i am sitting there, not just crying, but veritably sobbing with my husband. the gold medal winner is simply stating that he has no room to complain since he can walk. everytime he feels like skipping out of practice he remembers his brother that was not supposed to walk after the age of 10, and he is well past that now and still going strong,  then they show the footage of the older brother standing and cheering for his brother as he comes down the hill. yup...still sobbing.

it is beauty, heroism and simple home-spun humility that i just don't see in the multi-million dollar athletes that play professional sports.

and that is why i love the olympics.

an inconvenient truth

sorry to steal this title, but it is what came to mind. i realized today that most inconvenience in my life comes from people i love and want to be with. it is inconvenient because i want to do non-people things, like read, or take a nap. when i get over myself i see that wrapped in my irritation is a chance to know people more, make a memory, build relationship. i love reading and relaxing and of course we all need to do it. but at the end of my life, what i won't remember the times i got my way and spent the afternoon on the couch. what i will remember, are the conversations i had, the baby i cuddled, the friends i made, and the time i spent with the people i love.

this is just for me, a little pep talk to help me love interruptions. enjoy.  

where does it end?

it is so tempting, when waiting on a promise, to begin to search for reasons why it isn't happening. for instance, we want to have another baby (or two). i can find so many ways to blame myself for the road blocks. i want to look for so many natural reasons why this is not happening. the statistics are against me, I am not getting any younger, and the wait continues. looking back on my life, i have to admit, this isn't the first time i have felt like i needed to pick at myself in order to earn God's promises. when marriage didn't come my way when i was 20,25,30... it was easy to find all that was wrong with me- i could list them here, but it is not worth the effort. I guess my point is, when it comes to promises and timing, i struggle to figure out my part of the equation.

a little while ago, i was rehearsing (I think the biblical word is fretting) all of the natural reasons why it is unlikely for my body to bear a child. and this is what the Lord said to me - "where does it stop?" when He asks me a question, He is usually ready to answer it, so the dialogue went on - "if you can earn this, what else are you trying to earn? your salvation, no, you know better. your home? your financial security? your husband? your family? is it all you? where do I come in?" and a gentle reminder here that unless the Lord builds the house - they labor in vain (ps.127:1)

of course i don't get a pass on my part - i need to exercise to stay healthy, tithe to keep financial blessing on our home, and pray to keep my heart right with the Lord, but when I have done everything - He needs to build, and I need to trust.

wasn't sarah past her prime? i am guessing in our day, sarah being 89 would be like our 40 or 45. all the odds are against me, but God.

I can't earn a family - but I can put all of my faith/hope/confidence/trust in the One who can. and somehow, I believe He will.

Genesis 18:14"Is anything too difficult for the LORD? At the appointed time I will return to you, at this time next year, and Sarah will have a son."

Ephesians 3:20-22Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think,according to the power that works within us,

to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen.
Romans 4:14-24 If God’s promise is only for those who obey the law, then faith is not necessary and the promise is pointless. For the law always brings punishment on those who try to obey it. (The only way to avoid breaking the law is to have no law to break!)So the promise is received by faith. It is given as a free gift. And we are all certain to receive it, whether or not we live according to the law of Moses, if we have faith like Abraham’s. For Abraham is the father of all who believe.That is what the Scriptures mean when God told him, “I have made you the father of many nations.” This happened because Abraham believed in the God who brings the dead back to life and who creates new things out of nothing.Even when there was no reason for hope, Abraham kept hoping—believing that he would become the father of many nations. For God had said to him, “That’s how many descendants you will have!” And Abraham’s faith did not weaken, even though, at about 100 years of age, he figured his body was as good as dead—and so was Sarah’s womb.Abraham never wavered in believing God’s promise. In fact, his faith grew stronger, and in this he brought glory to God. He was fully convinced that God is able to do whatever he promises.And because of Abraham’s faith, God counted him as righteous. And when God counted him as righteous, it wasn’t just for Abraham’s benefit. It was recorded for our benefit, too, assuring us that God will also count us as righteous if we believe in him, the one who raised Jesus our Lord from the dead.

Jeremiah 32:17 “O Sovereign Lord! You made the heavens and earth by your strong hand and powerful arm. Nothing is too hard for you!

rebellion and criticism

i had an epiphany: rebellion and criticism are best friends. in order for rebellion to exist in my heart toward God or man, I must have a complaint against them. I must search for flaws in the thinking, question the motives, and find reasons to question their character.

isn't that how it all started? "Did God really say? You wont die!" - in other words, "He is a liar and unworthy of my trust". criticism in my heart justifies my rebellion.

when a leader earns our respect or even better, gives us what we want,  we rarely rebel or bristle under them. but pity the leader we find unworthy or unwilling. we will justify, blameshift, accuse and mock the ones that we can find fault with. once the criticism foundation is built - rebellion is an easy house to build. 

if we are brutally honest, we would have to admit that we like the power of criticism. the superiority, the smug look down the nose that is followed (in our hearts of course- not out loud) by the "I would never do that" or "if i were in charge things would sure be different" Sadly, there is always that Pharisee in us that wants to say "thank God I am not like that man"

i think the challenge is to keep criticism out - because criticism wants to have a slumber party with rebellion and offence in my mind. if i am who i say i am, then trusting God includes understanding that nothing touches me without passing through His hand. when i fight His process by padding my life with only those with whom I agree, i am a korah waiting to happen. criticism is entry-level rebellion that is hungry for a promotion.

i pray that i would choose to believe the best and trust the sovereignty of God. he knows what I need, and who i need and i pray i would not fight His plan to build my life.

keep back your servant from presumptuous sin, and let them not have dominion over me, then shall i be upright and innocent of great transgressions. let the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing in your sight oh Lord, my rock and my redeemer.

i think it should count

you know what i think should burn calories? saying no to calories! I was in costco today and i walked right down that aisle that has all of the large quantities of all things yummy and i said a big, fat (no pun intended), no to all of it. i think that should count as like a good jog, or at least a moderate walk around the neighbourhood.

while we are talking about food and overcoming things...i made two meals with fish in them this week. yup - two. that makes it two more than any fish i have made since we have been married. i think i am a fish phobe. it is not like i don't like it at restaurants, but making it is a whole other kettle of you know what. but i did, yes i did. i made two dishes with fish just like Dr. oz told me to. and they tasted good. what did i make you ask? well, let me tell you...fish tacos - and fish and chips. in case you are getting ready to tsk-tsk me, they were both healthy versions of these meals.

i think i should burn more calories for walking through the valley of chocolate almonds and licorice, and for making fish.

i am just saying.

a polished ring

thinking a lot about my husband today. we will have been married 6 years ago in april. today i took my ring to the jewellers. a few years ago we bought a warranty for the ring so twice a year i can get it polished and re-plated (something that is necessary for white gold) when it comes back, it will be like new. i think marriages could use a lifetime guarantee for re-polishing and re-plating.

having a baby sure does a number on a marriage. in good and bad ways. of course, there is the middle of the night war over who is going to deal with the whimpering child. the war kind of looks like this - "i will lay here really still and pretend that i didn't hear that". then she moans again and the cycle repeats itself until one of us caves in and takes care of this beautiful gift that is awake at 2 in the morning. the positives are too many to count - i love watching shawn play with emma. he has his own little way with her and she lights up every time she sees him.

and i... want to light up every time i see him. even after 6 years of seeing him everyday. still saying thanks and please, and i love you. delighting in the fact that he is so excited about his new mario game and that right now he is in his own little world of gathering coins and conquering colorful planets. this is my husband.

so, everyday i want to find ways to polish our friendship and romance. i have to confess it might be hard to compete with the little mario who just earned some kind of propeller on his head - but i will do my best.

to marriage...

watching and weighting

well, i might as well admit it, i joined weight watchers in the fall. 15 pounds so far. this is exciting to be sure, but i have to admit that i have seen the 15 mark twice now since i started. you get stickers for every five pounds and the nice lady that weighs me in said "oh! you get a sticker!" and i had to reply "no, actually i already got this sticker, and then Christmas..." so i find myself there every thursday at lunchtime - hungry - feeling like i am on my own version of biggest loser.  i feel like i joined an aquafit class - most of the people there are 50 and up. there is one lady there who has been a "lifetime member" for 25 years. this means that she has lost and maintained her weight for 25 years. i am not sure why she comes every week, but there she is passing on her wisdom from the ages. the rest of us are just trying to figure out what happened to our bodies. i do love it though - most of the time.

i love that i am learning how to eat better. i actually really like whole wheat pasta. i like that all my jeans feel too big. more shopping coming my way!!!

other things on my mind today...Olympics coming soon to Vancouver, what mc outreach will look like with a baby, haiti, when will we see avatar, and i am going swimming with Emma tomorrow.

then sings my soul

yup, it is monday..the day of voice lessons. i don't have my glasses on and i almost typed lesions. anyway...voice lessons. i have a love/hate relationship with them. i love singing, but i find myself feeling secretly insulted because people totally underestimate how challenging singing is. i think most people think "how hard can it be?", so they expect to be brilliant in 10 weeks - but it just isn't so. i think my blog feels more like a rant than it should.

do you know what i love? when my little baby girls whaps my face while she is falling asleep. it is like she is trying to find, or make another nose on my face. i find it extremely entertaining.

yesterday they announced that shawn and i would be ordained. shawn is going to make a clerical collar and see if his dad will call him father. i love my husband. speaking of that, he is talking to me about king abimilech right now. i don't know at what point i can convince him that anything that involves more than two syllables at a time after 10:00 PM will be met by me with glazy eyes and simple mmm-hmmmmsss. night people - honestly, how do they do it?

i have become that lady that smells her baby's bum to see if she is poopy. this is a strange transformation for me. i never really knew that another human beings bowel movements would become so intrinsic to my daily life.

no good segues from there....

goodnight.

clean indeed

i have a strange attraction to de-cluttering. there is a new show on called "hoarders". it gives me hives, i am not kidding. it is not like i am a clean freak...truly i am not. but give me a closet that has been overlooked for a couple of years and a sunny day that feels like spring - and i am off to the races. i threw away a huge bag of old lotions and soap from hotels (why do i keep things like that anyway?). it was heavy but i heaved it out the door and left it for the burly garbage guys to deal with next.

so, there is one sunshin-ey day filled with spring cleaning - not bad for january.

habits

so, i have decided that consistency is what i need. so in case anyone will notice, i think i will try to write more - maybe every day -- eeek. that sounds like a lot. i was talking to someone today and told her not to focus on non-productive thoughts. such good advice that i need too. i need it today. the side conversation that i am not saying is that i got the phone call today from the fertility clinic telling me that i have another polyp that will have to be removed before i can do another cycle. the thing is with me that i don't even cry about stuff like this anymore. i hate that i am so used to bad news. why is this taking forever? i am so thankful for Emma - my gift. i still have so many pockets of unbelief in my heart. i should have so much faith, God has come through so many times. and here i am feeling like that days will never bring me a little blended version of shawn and keri harvey.

you know that scene in Up? when she miscarries and she is sitting outside with the sun on her face. that is me today except the sun hasn't been out and i am not brave enough to sit out in my front yard in the rain. but in my heart, i am her. gathering courage and hoping for the best.

so, i love my husband and i kissed my baby's face lots today. and i am going to blog more. goodnight.

trust

it is one of the hardest things to watch. the risk that God takes when He says "trust Me". the wrestle that follows in the human heart is nothing short of epic. Since the garden, the big question has been "is He good? will He come through? can i trust Him? what if i trust Him and it doesn't work out?". When we are waiting, and waiting, and waiting sometimes it is so tempting to just walk away and figure it out ourselves. or better, we figure that we will make a mess and then ask or expect Him to clean it up.

i read once that the definition of trust is knowing that the rug won't be pulled out from under you. as one who has made it their aim to trust, i would say that this is true to a point. as long as the rug we are standing on is not our own expectations of how we think things should work out. it is the trust of God's heart, not His promises and the things that are "added" to us. it is the trust that no matter what He provides, it is for our best and for His good.

I love talking to people who are fighting to trust God. They hear from Him. He shows them His heart. I was talking to a young lady last night and God asked her to give Him everything. when she said that she felt she had, He replied "not your hopes and dreams, I want those too". so, she gave those to Him in a box with a scarlet ribbon wrapped around it. with tears streaming down her face, she put her future in His hands. trust.

it is trust that lets us let go of what we think is best and trust that gives us the strength to humble ourselves in the knowing that we do not. He does. He always does.

most of the struggle with trust is time. we want it now, or at least soon. but not when we have to cry about it, or feel like we become broken beggars.

i wonder where he puts those prayers? the desperate ones that say "i can't do this anymore Father". i wonder if there is a special place in His heart for those prayers. Maybe it sounds like Jesus to Him. and i wonder if the hinge of history balances on those who stand and say " i will trust Him". and the scourge of history are those who say "He is not coming, therefore I..."

time means nothing to God. He made it to help us. He is not defined by it, limited to it or accountable for it. He doesn't hear the clocks that we hear. He does not worry.

the first trust is always the hardest. i should say the first, deep trust. that trust when you truly have no other life lines, you are not going to make your own path, you simply close your eyes and step off the ledge.

once that brutal test is over you see the world differently. He defies boundaries and makes roadways out of thin air.

He is the way-maker and only those who trust will know it.