Ghosts of Christmas

The Muppet Christmas Carol is by far my favourite version of the story. It may just be my favourite Christmas movie. There are some great comedic moments - "light the lamp, not the rat", and a very funny interaction over some jelly beans and jumping off of a gate. I think I laughed until I cried the first time I saw it. Please forgive me for making references without explaining, I am going to write as though you have watched it. If you haven't, let me be the one to tell you that you won't be disappointed!

When you watch something more than once, you tend to see new things. Maybe it is just me getting older, I find myself getting more reflective these days.

This time, I was noticing Scrooge's response to each of the ghosts: Past, Present and Future.  Even though the first ghost, the ghost of Christmas past,  was the most innocent looking (the face of a child) and the most non- threatening - he was angry, put out and terrified by every scene she showed him. But she disarmed him, made him remember other days before he became the cold hearted man that we meet in the opening scenes.

When Present comes (great line -"No, i am a large -absent minded spirit"), he is jovial, and sweet. His whole body shakes when he laughs and there is a twinkle in his eye. You can see Scrooge softening to his kindness, he even smiles now and then. This spirit shows him hard things, the hardest being what people think about him.

I think one of the hardest things we could experience would be to walk into a living room where people are talking about us. I am a leader, part of being a leader means that people are not going to like me. I have to settle that. If we stand for anything people are not going to like us. Sometimes, by no intention of our own, people will feel judged even disappointed in us and we may never know it. I don't know how I would handle walking in to a conversation, as Scrooge had to, to hear a whole group of people mocking him and calling him and "unwanted creature". I would like to think that Scrooge would deserve that more than I do, but still, I am sure there have been some conversations that I would not like to hear spoken about me as well.

This would be a hard lesson - but Scrooge is beginning to see the point. So much that he wants to see his employee Bob Cratchit's house. This is where he sees how his hardest working employee is living - and he sees his son, Tiny Tim suffering under some kind of life-threatening illness. This is where the lights begin to turn on. Scrooge has wasted his life, he has let opportunities pass him by, he has been unkind, cruel and stingy. He sees the state of his cold heart and it is hard.

By the time Present leaves, he is met by Future. This one is creepy. He is dark, no face, long scary fingers....it is fast forward material for the toddlers in our house. But Scrooge says important words to this spirit - something along the lines of "teach me, I am willing to learn from you". This spirit takes him to the scary conversations that happen after his death - awful words of un-grieving souls fighting over his belongings. Then we end at the grave side of Ebenezer himself and here he utters these words:

"I am not the man I was. I will not be the man I must have been but for this intercourse. Why show me this, if I am past all hope! ... I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me I may sponge away the writing on this stone!”

Here of course is the crux of the story...we can start again if we are willing to learn, to listen, to humble ourselves. 

If you have known me for more than 20 minutes you would know that the event that has marked my life was the passing of my mom. She has been gone for 8 years now. 8 years of memories. 8 years of conversations that never happened. She has never met my children, she has never kissed their little faces, or rubbed their fuzzy heads. But she is my Ghost of Christmas. She reminds me to make traditions, to stop being so hard on myself, to sit down and play with my kids, and to laugh from my toes. 


I have a goal in mind - and I am pressing toward that goal every day that I live (well, most days. some days I just survive). My goal is to love God and to love people. So simple I know. It almost sounds trite, God forgive me. Oh, but I mean it. The last things I want said about me would be that I was a good speaker, a good cook, even a nice person. I want people to know that they matter when they are around me. That their cares are important to me, that THEY are important to me. 

It is so challenging. 

I get busy, I get irritated, I get tired. 

But if i am going to reach my goal, I must remember the end. 

In the end, my husband and my kids will know what my priorities were. They will be the judges of my success or failure. 

The people I led will also be the judge. They may disagree with me, they may wish I didn't tell them things some times because they are uncomfortable, but in the end, I pray that they know that I loved them to the best of my ability. I may have stumbled through my expression of it, but hopefully in their hearts they will know that I truly cared how their lives turned out. 

And, like Scrooge, I want to be a learner. I know I need to keep growing, changing and updating my views of myself and others. Truth never changes, but methods to deliver truth does change. I want to stay current on the most effective ways to unlock truth for peoples hearts. 

Finally, I want to say that I am grateful for Christmas. Like our reformed Scrooge, I want to honor the message of Christmas - generosity, kindness, community... all of it. I am glad for a chance to reflect and remember those who have worked so hard, and continue to work hard to make Christmas our best time of year. My family, my husband's family, my church family, and my friends past, present and future are all so significant.  

These are the lessons my ghosts of Christmas are teaching me. 

And sorry, but I can't help myself...

"God bless us, every one!"

Sunday Thoughts - Volume II

In a strange turn of events, my husband has fallen asleep on the couch, and I am still awake. We have been married for 8.5 years now, and I don't think I have ever seen him fall asleep before 9:00 before. This is a role reversal, I am usually the one falling asleep on the couch.

If you are just tuning in, I wrote a sunday thoughts blog a few weeks ago, and this is the second in the series. Mostly I couldn't come up with a better name for the eclectic group of information that I wanted to write about. So, this seems like the best solution.

We just finished our youth/young adult conference last night at our church. I love things like that. I love seeing young people make life changing decisions. I love the music, I love the preaching. I love that I am not a teenager anymore. I love that even though I do try to look "cool", I don't really have to worry because as soon as anyone finds out I have four young children they are just amazed that I actually took a shower and left my house.

The funniest part of the weekend was on Thursday and Friday night during the worship service. I think about 6 boys, all over 6' 4" came and stood right in front of me. I am not tiny, I am  5'5", but I have never felt so invisible. They just kept backing up and backing up into me, which was so awkward I got a serious case of the giggles. Then THEY RAISED THEIR HANDS! If you can't picture that imagine me standing right in their armpit, and you can see why I found the whole thing so awkward. The guy that was closest to me finally bumped his back on my nose at which point he turned around, horrified that he had not even seen me there. But then he promptly turned around and moved about an inch away from me and carried on just as he was before he bumped me.  You may have had to be there, but it still makes me giggle a little thinking about it.

The other funny thing about youth conferences is all of the adults at the conference. There are the speakers that you can tell have to spend lots of money on their clothes, and hair product to stay trendy. I want to say that I do see the value in trying to stay somewhat current with the trends, kids do listen if they know you are trying. However, I do find it a bit awkward when the trend is skinny jeans on not so skinny bodies. nuff said. (not really nuff said - when they don't fit properly, you have to pull your pants up all the time and there is a mild amount of discomfort at the thought of those pants falling off here in front of God and everyone)

Anyway, once I found the clothes I thought I could wear without looking like a mom who is ready to clean up puke and put away laundry for 8 hours straight - I went and had a lovely time.

I love having my girls there for the services - I love that they already have role models that they watch when the worship service is happening. Emma points her finger and makes declarations, and on the slow songs she crosses her hands over her heart and rocks back and forth. I try not to make a deal out of it for fear that she will think it is "cute" and she stops doing it genuinely from her heart. But I do peek out of the corner of my eye just to watch her. It is beautiful.

The boys are going to be 6 months old in a week or so. They are so charming, and sweet. I still want to bite them all the time. There are so many times I wish I could freeze everyone just where they are. Well, maybe freeze them but they could already be potty trained. It would be no fun to have a frozen toddler who didn't know how to use the potty.

Anyway, I am getting tired and Shawn is hitting his deep sleep. I could do what he has done and leave me on the couch only to wake up at 3:00 AM and think "how did I get here??"

Why I am not raising good kids

I hear this phrase all the time "they are good kids".

I am sure they actually are good kids. Good kids with good parents. Good kids compared to other kids.

You know those kids who do bad things. They don't obey their parents, they run around and make trouble. The ones who could be a bad influence on good kids.

There is a deep problem with this thought. Look at Romans 3

¹⁰ As it is written:

“There is none righteous, no, not one;
¹¹ There is none who understands;
There is none who seeks after God.
¹² They have all turned aside;
They have together become unprofitable;

There is none who does good, no, not one 

This offends me. Does it offend you? 

What do you mean no one is good? I hold my tongue most of the time when I could really let someone have it...I don't go drinking on the weekends or ever really...I get up to pray (sometimes), I go to church and I am friendly to my neighbors (when I remember to)...

Don't you count all of my good deeds? Don't you see how hard I am trying? 

"I see you, what you do is a reflection of how much you see Me."

If Jesus didn't come for good kids/people, He didn't come for any of us.  I deceive myself when I try to be better than, good enough, trying harder.

If I don't see this, I will raise good kids that think they are better than others, and they are not. I think my kids are amazing, and I adore their little sinful hearts, but sinners they are. Selfish to the core. Willing to lie to get their way, even when they know better. 

Why does Emma run and hide in her room when she takes something she shouldn't have? She, in her own little garden of Eden, hides behind a table in her room with the coveted Sharpie primed to redecorate her room as quickly as she can before I find her. 

The garden of Eden is played out every hour when you are raising a toddler.

"Where are you?" 

When this question is answered in silence, I know that secrecy is involved. 

And because I love her, I go and find her. 

So did our Father. He comes to find me everyday just like He visited Adam and Eve in the garden, and asks the most important question of all time...

"Where are you?"

Is He dull, or limited when He asks this question? No, He is looking for me so He can restore  relationship with me. Even though I am the one who did wrong. 

He comes to find my broken, sinful heart.

That will never get old to me. He is not angry, he is desperate to offer relationship with me even when I am the one, who my own sin, broke the relationship in the first place. 

This is the GOOD NEWS! 

I am totally, absolutely wrong. 

Wonderful. 

I am free from trying to be better, trying to be good. I live in Christ and He is good. Because He is good, I participate in His goodness and He makes me new. 

And, I am free from raising good kids, better kids, kids who would never do that.

With all my heart, I want to raise kids who know that there is someone so much bigger than them, someone who can free them from the treadmill of their own striving for goodness, someone who can make their biggest messes beautiful in His time. 

I don't want good kids. I want kids who love Jesus. And I want kids that know how to love others because they themselves have been loved.  Let this revelation drive them:

Lord, I was destined for your wrath, but because of your great love, you came and found me and loved me. I cannot earn You, I will never deserve you. All my righteousness comes because I know You. 

So, here I am, I find myself an object of your affection. So undeserving, but so grateful. I will live to love you all my days, let my life be a reflection of your kindness and mercy. And when I die, let it be said of me that I fulfilled the purposes of God in my generation.

Amen

sunday thoughts

I used to dream about hosting a morning talk show. I realize now that it wont happen, but I always like the part when they banter at the beginning about their weekend etc...

So this is my version. It is Sunday night, the kids are in bed. I had a nap today so I actually feel somewhat awake so it is a good time to blog about my week and review life and the lessons I learned here at the Harvey House. I will admit now that most of the thoughts will come from the last few days since i seem to be losing my long term memory. By long term, I mean last Monday.

Emma came and told me that her bum was talking and she needed to go poo.


Samuel and Issac (ok, frustrating! i keep spelling his name wrong. my son! what kind of a mother am i??) Isaac discovered each other this week. They were laying in their crib, holding hands (ahhhh!) and then Samuel made eye contact with Isaac and giggled, and then Isaac giggled back. I am sure that rainbows and butterflies flew out of my eyes. I love having twins.

Speaking of the twins, I just want to say that I love having boys. I know the girls love me, but my goodness the adoration that those boys look at me with! I can understand why there are so many comments made about mothers in law(not my mother in law, other mothers in law just to be clear) - i am pretty sure i will be that creepy lady from the book "I love you forever"- in twenty years you will very likely see me driving across town with a ladder on the top of my by then ancient mini van so I can rock my baby boys back and forth, back and forth..."as long as I'm living my baby you'll be" .....you need to read the book.  

last night we had friends over for dinner.  We love every minute we can spend with them. They are in grandparent stage and nothing phases them. When Alina (our never grumpy, made of rubber, bounces back from anything kind of a girl) kept rubbing her tummy saying "mommy, tummy hurt" I didn't think she really meant it.

That was a mistake.

Just as we all sat down to dinner, she walked over and threw up all over the floor by my feet.

We all just popped into "clean up vomit" mode and go on with dinner (not a parent? just wait,  you will understand one day, trust me it is super fun!)

Alina is in a funny phase, but I think all of her phases have been funny so far. You know people who are just funny? Well, Alina is one of those. For no one's benefit, she walks around the house with a box on her head and runs into walls just to make herself laugh. And she insists on going potty all the time now, for fun. Sometimes she gets the timing right - I am sure by accident, but it encourages her in her self-potty training adventure so I am spending copious amounts of time in the bathroom waiting for lightning to strike.

Today we went to the park. We call it the blue park, and we all love it. We drive across town, it is right next to a Starbucks and the toys are great for the stage the kids are in.

It also makes me nostalgic. Look at this picture we have of Emma in this park from spring a year ago.  She looks so tiny going down the slide. She needed help to get around all of the toys, get up on the slide etc... This year there is no turning back. As soon as we arrive she is off playing and showing Alina how to do everything.

Next year, at this time the boys will be walking (probably) and we will be out of baby phase for good. And then I am done. Every new thing they do is the last time I will do it. They roll over, and that is the last of our babies to roll over for the first time (I am not making this stuff up, I actually think about this stuff) I am so aware of the sweetness of this season. My children are close and they love spending time with us. These days will pass so quickly.

I am also really challenged about the producing the fruit of the Holy Spirit in my life (Galatians 5:22). Encouragement can be a gift along with hospitality, or leadership. But patience is not a gift, love is not a gift, nor is kindness or peace. All of those must be grown in my day to day life. Sometimes, under the guise of "discipline" kindness goes out the window. Lots of times, because I want to do something else,  not something important, just what I want to do...patience takes a back seat to my own agenda. I am so convicted about this...how can I expect to raise patient, kind and loving kids if they see irritation, impatience and unloving behaviour in me?

Grrrrr! There are days that I seriously just want them to come and put their pajamas on the first time I ask them! After the 100th "naked parade" as much as I love hearing them laugh, I am done! I am tired, I don't want to laugh any more, I just want to have some quiet before I fall into bed and do it all again tomorrow. But then, of course, when I am putting them down and their little hearts quiet down, we make eye contact, we pray and we have those moments that make parenting worth the craziness that happens every day.

So, there you have it. The world through my eyes this week. I am about to go and close said eyes.

Goodnight.

the world we live in

I find myself in a strange position. I used to have zero children. Now, in a relatively short amount of time i have four children. You could say that we planned for this, but we didn't really. We factored it in as a possibility kind of in the same way that I could plan to take a little weekend getaway to Mars.

When one struggles under infertility for 6 years, the idea of having twins is so remote it is a little hard to put into words.

So, all of that to say when people look at me like "um...birth control?" I just want to say "Hey! no one is as surprised as me ok?"

On Monday we were out with all four kids (something we don't do often), and we were talking to a couple that we had just met, at the end of the conversation they said "and you are finished having kids now right?". Well, yes, we are, but frankly that is none of your bees-wax and what if we weren't? what is the big deal with having lots of kids?

I'll tell you what the big deal is...we are selfish.

Go ahead, get mad at me, but what I say is true.

We don't have big families anymore because it isn't responsible, or maybe we fear we will lose our identity in the craziness of parenting...whatever.

big families are not for everyone, i get that. but where has the value for family gone? and why is it irresponsible if someone wants to have a big family?

i will tell you another story.

Costco parking lot: dad dealing with a son who is having a temper tantrum. i look over my shoulder at the situation, relieved that my kiddo's are at home and it is not my turn to deal with a screaming child in the Costco parking lot. Then an employee walks by me and says "that is why i never had kids".

Really? oh lady, i am so sad for you. if all i saw of children was at the grocery store, wal-mart, or the costco parking lot, i would not want to be a parent either. BUT, there are so many other moments that dwarf tantrums, crying, sleeplessness, the lack of money, or all of the other things that make parenting hard.

Emma decided her word for today was unfortunately. "Unfortunately, we won't be able to go to the bank" (she just turned 3. where does she come up with this stuff?) Alina has been a horse for a few days now, so she sounds like this "nay, nay, hi mommy, nay, nay" and she gallops away. every day emma asks me to look for kisses on her face before she goes to bed. There must be hugs and songs and prayers and deep looks into each other's eyes. Alina needs big hugs and books read to her, a little tummy scratch and lots of "i love you's". Our boys giggle and smile now. I would live on two hours of sleep for another year just to hear one of those little boys giggle again.

it is the temporary vs. the eternal. I am uncomfortable often. I am overwhelmed with my responsibilities daily, but i know that i am a vital part of shaping 4 little lives. this is the highest calling i will ever walk in. I could have traded all of this in for more vacations, nicer furniture or some peace and quiet (trust me, sometimes i wonder why i didn't). We did this because we know that even if it is hard in the moment, the joy far outweighs the sacrifice and the sacrifice makes everything more joyful in the end.

So, when people look at me and wonder what I was thinking when they see me with all my little bundles, i smile and think "do you get to look for kisses on someone's face before you go to bed tonight? because i do."  I wouldn't trade it for the world.

lets review

Well, our boys will be 3 months old on Saturday. The same day that Emma turns 3. God knew that I am horrible with dates so 3 of my 4 children were born on the 11th of a month.

We are all settling in quite nicely, in fact all four children are napping now, which means i can sit here for a few golden moments and reflect on what is happening in our lives right now. it seems there is a mild curiosity for what life is like with four kids under three - so let me illuminate the situation.

We decided, quite bravely i think, to take the entire brood on a little road trip. we did this another time a couple of weeks ago and while everyone did pretty good, the trip home was 4 hours of non -stop screaming from someone in our crowded mini-van. nonetheless, there was a family birthday party in seattle and we wanted to be there so that was settled.

the trip down? not so bad. only some screaming and a few more stops than we wanted to make, but that is life with babies. our sleep overnight? the normal - shawn is with the boys in the living room, ready to feed whenever they wake up. Emma is with me ready to kick me whenever she wakes up, and alina is on her own, ready to throw a party whenever she wakes up. overall, not bad, only up three or four times.

we did decide to take the brood to the mall however, and i would say, that is where things started to come apart. you know, you would think that Shawn, being the planner that he is, would warn me when things are a bad idea. he is slipping in his "this is a crazy idea" alert system. i will have to talk to him about that when i see him in a few years.

anywhoo - emma peed herself in the car on the way there (i didn't bring extra clothes, because it was a short trip). "mommy,  i need to go pee" us - "ok honey, hold it ok, we are almost there. can you hold it?" emma - "uh huh", us - "lets pull into this starbucks just in case". so we did, and just as i am praising her for holding it, telling me she needed to pee, and being patient, she informs me her pants are soaked and she doesn't want to put them back on. great.

well, you have to put them back on. life is tough kid.

so while emma is going around the play area in  her pee- filled shorts,  I scramble to Gap kids to get her some other shorts. one crisis solved, and a cute outfit to show for it.

now it is lunchtime - we will head to the food court. on the other side of the mall. with two free range toddlers and two hungry babies in a stroller.

it is now that i notice, no one is coming to ooh and ahhh over our kids. they only do that when you have one or two. what we get now are these wide eyed looks that say "Are all of those kids yours?".

so, we begin our trek to the food court. past the Disney store where Emma stops and becomes immovable while saying "Mommy, it is SOOO beautiful". we get past that and then pass a Build a Bear workshop, both girls become immovable and say "Bear! oh so cute, i waaaaaannnnntttt one!"

no.

then we pass a fountain, the whole bottom of the fountain is covered with pennies. We have made it halfway through the mall and it has taken 30 minutes.

Finally, we arrive at the food court, we figure out what we will eat, children are in seats, and babies are pacified. we look like the perfect family. for at least three minutes.

The last thing i wanted to do was to walk past all of those wonders of the world again with two kids who are now overstimulated and in desperate need of a nap. So, it is decided that Shawn will go and get the car and bring it to the entrance outside the food court. "i will go and get the girls mini-blizzards, that will keep them busy"

again, i blame shawn. i think he knew that was a bad idea, but like a lamb to the slaughter, he watched me go and order those little treats. i think there is revenge buried in his heart somewhere.  and was that laughter i heard as he bolted out of the food court?

so i now have all four kids. no one is coming to see the babies, everyone is steering clear of this family of six. why? oh, i don't know because Emma was LICKING THE CHAIR! disgusting! why was she doing that? she never does things like that?? and Alina took advantage of my turned head and put her entire hand in her mini-blizzard cup. now she is covered with ice-cream, so sticky i don't even want to touch her, and the boys wake up and they are hungry.

my Lord, where is a cone of silence when you need one?

So, i rip alina's dress off, she goes on my shoulders. i hail emma and command her to stay close to me and thankfully she decides that she will not fight me, and we head toward the door. i see my husband, we load the children and we head back to the house.

everyone has a bath and a nap and we are ready for the next round.

so, this is our life these days. not every day is like that day. some days are quieter and filled with obedient little children who kiss my face for no reason at all. it is crazy, and i love it.

it is not for everyone, but even on the hard days, i am glad this is my life.

people pleasers

i am the guilty party in this case. if the club made t-shirts, i would have one. i would have tried to turn it in 1,000 times because it is a title that most of us run from. it usually means that a person cares more about what people think than they should. of course, that is a trap we can all fall into, but some of us struggle more than others.

i would agree that to please others while losing your own identity is a big mistake, however, i would like to say that people pleasing isn't all that bad. especially when you consider the alternative. what exactly is the alternative? to make people angry all the time? that doesn't sound very appealing either.

it is true that in different seasons of my life, i have been paralyzed by fear of what people would think. but in some ways, i am grateful for those seasons. that is where i learned to read body language, to pick up on nuance in conversation, and to know when people are glad they are talking to you or if they would really rather that you go away. those are good skills to have in your tool box. how else do you learn them? i wouldn't know, insecurity was my classroom for all of it.

now that i am a grown up, i understand that some people click, some people don't. some people are fun to be with and to even make happy, some people will not be happy no matter how hard you try. so, if i throw my efforts in profitable directions, i don't mind making people happy.

we will have fans and we will have people that don't like us. especially if we are leaders. i hate that lesson. sometimes, just being a leader pushes people away. and if we will ever truly lead, there is no way to escape people dis-liking us intensely.  i rely on the wise words of Bill Cosby for those moments - "I don't know the secret to success, but I know the secret to failure is trying to please everyone".

i can't please everyone, and i have stopped trying (most of the time) but i am still glad that i know how to make some people happy - i am glad that i learned how to lift the load off of people through laughter and kindness. i think of all the years that i tried to stop being a pleaser - i lived in a world that almost made that title a swear word. but i am ready now to celebrate my people-pleaser-ness.

if you want to be in my club, let me know. we could do pep rallies or something.

fear

fear is such a strange emotion.

i don't know anyone who doesn't fight it in one way or another. i think it could be said that fear is the most common human emotion. you may disagree because it manifests itself in so many ways, but i lump fear with anxiety, worry, even anger and despair. most of the troubles that ail us come from the root of fear.

when we are afraid, we control. when we are afraid we retreat into ourselves and believe the worst of ourselves and others in the secret places of our minds.

it is a voice. a voice that usually whispers to begin with, then it grows into a conversational level and if not corrected previously, it begins to yell and back us into the smallest version of ourselves.

i usually don't even perceive it at first - it starts so small. "how could you have done this" or "forgotten that?". "you never...", "you always...", "if you could only...", "if you would get your act together...".

and that is only the internal fears of our personalities - what about the fear of circumstance? "this will never happen" and that is usually followed by a conclusion rooted in the 50 ways we have blown it or missed the mark. "what will happen next?" is the question that plagues us all. without roots or ceilings we are left to wonder and give into paranoia.

my dad (my ever-so-wise dad) has said (and don't tell me if he is quoting someone else, i like to think he made it up) "95% of what we worry about never happens and the other 5% doesn't happen the way you think it will." and you know what? that is the truth.

the circumstances that had me all tied up in knots once upon a time have passed now, and everything worked out for the good. not that life is a cake-walk, of course some things do come to pass - but when they do there is grace for that moment. unlike the hypothetical moments that make everything seem impossible.

there is no grace for worry.

when i say grace, i mean the God given ability to face life and do what He says. like grease on gears, He makes the whole ride smoother by enabling us to live His way.

you would think we would figure this out. if i look back, how could i deny that everything works for my good since I love Him and I am called according to His purpose? but i do deny it every time i cave into stress and anxiety.

and it starts so small - "will we have enough? things are tight, how will we make it work?". and i end up having these tumbleweeds rolling around in my brain that, left unchecked, will shut me down in a matter of time. and just one question keri harvey - has He ever failed you before?

no. no sir, not even once.

of course at the time of greatest crisis i would have thought so. but that was just because i wasn't yielding to His timing or His grace. trust and relationship are not a walk in the park, but if i look back, i cannot deny that He has always, always come through for me.

i say all of this because i noticed my thoughts recently. my stress levels were on the rise and it could be  due to the fact that we have 4 small children - but i need to remember that He gave us 4 small children and He will give us the grace and the provision we need for all of them. Time, money, attention, and sanity. He will not fail us. He is love and love never fails.

so, be still my soul be still. today may be hectic. today may feel a little more stressful than days past, but there is a price to pay for the promises you receive, there is the gift and there is stewarding the gift. now is the time to steward the gifts that have been graciously given.

and so i will. Lord, please guard my thoughts and my heart. help me to keep my fears solidly at your feet. you have given - now i will receive your provision and i will not question you when you told me not to worry about anything. amen.

 ok, enough of that. i have two hungry boys to feed!

babies are such a nice way to start people

need i say more?

perfect timing

There were so many days that i wondered if this day would ever happen. Would I ever know what it felt like to have a little life inside of me? Would we ever hear the sound of pyjama -d feet coming down our hallway?

5 years ago tomorrow - 2 days before Mothers Day - 2 years into our infertility issues - our first adoption fell through. we were devastated. we hoped and prayed for this baby (a beautiful little boy), and for reasons that were beyond what we could see at the time, it just was not meant to be. we left that hospital so aware of our barrenness, so broken and desperate.

and tomorrow, May 11th, 5 years later we are having two little boys. The EXACT date of our heartbreak, God has redeemed and made new.

I used to dread Mother's Day. Well meaning people would make sure I got a rose that they give to moms at our church..."you are a spiritual mom". that is no small thing, i cherish that title. but to have my own baby, to cuddle and raise and watch from infancy on - that is what I wanted. That is what we begged God for.

This year, I will be a new mom of 4. 4 children! Not bad for a lady who thought she may never have one.

And He, in the way that only He can, has pulled out the stops for us. Emma will be 3 in August, Alina turned one in December, and these little men will join us tomorrow. 4 babies in less than 3 years.

I know people think we are crazy (and for the most part I agree), but when you live through 6 years of infertility,  there is not much about having babies that seems too difficult. I am just grateful I get to be a mommy.

So, stay tuned friends, our new additions will be here tomorrow around 10:30 in the morning.

I can't stop smiling.

beauty

I was watching Kennedy Center Awards last night. I love this award. It is given for a lifetime achievement in the arts. The president is there, and it is always packed with really high profile stars and politicians.

The episode I watched last night was honouring Paul Simon, Yo Yo Ma, Meryl Streep and Barbara Cook (a famous Broadway singer). So, in case you haven't watched before I will fill you in. The honourees sit in balcony seats with the president and first lady, while their colleagues walk the audience through a montage of their life's work. Even if i don't love their music, dancing or poetry, I can't help but be swept into their story - small beginnings, hard work, dedication, sacrifice, and excellence.

I am an admirer of Yo Yo Ma (cello player). He dominates the classical music world, and yet he has spent the greater portion of the last twenty years merging with all sorts of other genres from folk, to bluegrass, even going mainstream with Bobby McFerrin.

He was a joy to watch as people that he had played with on different projects went through the songs they had played together. He genuinely loves music, whether he is playing it or not. He was captivated by the entire thing. His face shone with joy and pride - i am sure he had mentored many of those musicians along the way.

Then at the end, James Taylor came out, joined together with all of these varied artists and a whole children's choir and sang "Here comes the sun".

That is when I saw it.

Beauty - the overwhelming power of beauty.

They panned the audience and there was Anne Hathaway crying her eyes out - and she was not alone.

It is not like "Here comes the sun" is a downer song - quite the opposite actually. But it had built so beautifully, and we all saw and heard for that moment what Yo Yo Ma hears and sees when he hears music. He, and those who honoured him, brought us into that moment that made all other moments worthwhile.

And I found myself crying too - swept into this moment with them.

All of the hours upon hours of hard work, practice, mundane scales and rehearsals all poured into this moment when the curtain goes up and the audience is invited to come out of their every day lives and welcomed in to another moment when everything seems to be full of magic and possibility.

I had this moment once. Right at the end of my senior recital to get my degree in Classical Voice -in the last 20 minutes of my performance - something happened - four years of teaching and coaching, practicing when i didn't feel like it, and making thousands of mistakes, all culminated into one moment when I understood what my job was. And i understood the transcendence of that moment. I realized then, that what I saw, I could help others see, and how I sang, moved people from paying bills and cleaning house to a beautiful place of story and imagination.

It was beautiful.

Everything about music changed for me that day. I realized that I am not a gift, nor are my talents or abilities. The gift wasn't given so I could feel great about myself. The gift was given to relieve the load that people carry - to take them to a new place and help them find rest from the mundane.

I see it more clearly now than I used to - and I cherish those moments when they happen. When true beauty, the kind that takes your breath away, enters into the grays of life and changes the way we look at things, even if it is only for a moment.

Of course it is not just music. It is reconciliation between estranged family members or friends, it is a moment of pure laughter even when tragedy is hanging dark in the air, it is a soldier coming home and surprising his family. It is simply anything that makes your heart swell with wonder and removes whatever shadow had been lingering there.

It reminds me that our Father makes everything beautiful in its time. We may trudge and plow and think there is no progress being made, but then a beautiful sunset, a flower out of place in a dry field, a deep giggle from a child, and we are refreshed and ready to take one more step.

beauty is the gift He gave us so we would keep going when everything feels lost.

so i pray that we all have a surprise encounter with beauty today - something that brings tears or laughter - just to remind us that life is made to be cherished and that we are not alone.



 

anniversary circa 5 years ago

Shawn and I celebrated 8 years of marriage last tuesday. That still seems amazing to me in some ways, mostly because I can hardly remember what it was like before we were married. My sister said the exact same thing to me after she had been married for a few years. I was lamenting, whining, crying, moaning, all sorts of other non-flattering activities about not being married yet when she told me that. i didn't believe her at the time. i understand now.

So, Shawn and I were just talking about blogging etc..and he remembered a little devotional that i put together for a friends shower - it was one of my favourite messages. mostly because even re-reading it, i laugh out loud at my crazy relationship with my husband. he suggested that i share it with you, and i, being the submissive wife that i am decided to obey him post haste.

so...here you go...i know it is two blogs in two days, but i had a three week drought there so i need to catch up.

As you must know, God pairs us with just the right person for our personality. So in our case, Shawn is the left brain, and I am the right. Between the two of us, we have one full brain. This is encouraging.

On the outside, you would think that I am the dramatic person of the two of us, and this is mostly true, but Shawn has his own sense of drama (These stories are told with permission).

Shawn likes things to be the same, I never do the same thing twice. Shawn is methodic, and a precise person, I…am not. 

We have recently stumbled on a common phenomenon in married life it is called “try this babe”. I only say that it is common because as I have shared my story I discover that there are many other women who play this game with their husbands – it can range from licking a live battery, to scuba diving in shark infested waters, to (and this is my story) being told that vinegar is the cure for a cut, and he even got the vinegar for me while he laughed his head off in the pantry. Then proceeded to pour vinegar into my wound. This is his delight.

Another fun game we like to play is “cold feet”. This game happens when one of us comes to bed second and tortures the warm one with the popsicles that our toes have become.  I knew this game was out of control the night we were watching a movie and Shawn got up for a snack. I decided that a snack would be nice, so I went to the kitchen to find my husband WITH ONE FOOT IN THE FREEZER. His plan was to come back and place that ice cube of a foot on me under my nice, warm blanket.

So needless to say marriage is a work in progress. There are all sorts of things we should do, and can do better. But they take time to build in, and even then we have our off days or weeks or maybe let’s just say seasons.

Shawn and I recently went on a road trip. A very fun road trip. The goal was adventure and to see new things. We got both. One leg of our trip was to spend a few days in Yosemite National Park in California. I say Park loosely, because that is what they call it. I would call it something else, because I call Disneyland a park and a big one at that. In parks things are automated or accessible. Even the smaller parks involve gentle recreation like swinging, or riding the merri-go-round.

Yosemite was not like this. Everything here worth seeing was at the top of the mountain, and if you wanted to see the good stuff you needed to climb to it.

So I would call it, Yosemite - Aerobic Workout that you better have the right gear for or else, adventure in the wilderness/ kind of jungle safari park. Or you could call it “build your marriage mountain”, since communication between loving spouses changes once you are three hours into a promised one and a half-hour hike up a mountain that starts at 8,000 feet (that hike ended up taking 7 hours by the way). 

So here are a few things I learned about marriage on Build Your Marriage Mountain:

1. It always looks easy from a distance:



1. The mountain is so beautiful when I am sitting in my car and I am not huffing and puffing my way up it. All I am thinking from the car is “I bet the view from the top is so beautiful”
2. Marriage Lesson: Lots of people have opinions about what marriage should look like when they look from a distance. But once you get into it, it is quite a bit different. The trail may be steeper than it looks and there are lots of hidden turns that you don’t see when you are looking at the beautiful view.

 

2. Sometimes you need to compromise.
1. I am not what you would call a “hiker”. I walk, but that is very different than hiking. This trip was Shawn’s brain child and to say that he was excited would be a gross understatement. We were wilderness bound, with inspiration waiting to be discovered. This is not my idea of holiday, I would choose shopping, or sitting by a beach…something, well, lazy. So we decided that for everyday that I spent on the side of a mountain, he would spend a different day in the mall.
2. Marriage Lesson: I learned what it felt like to see my husband so happy at the top of a mountain, and enjoyed the times (as I was huffing and puffing up the hill) when he would yell back to me “You are filling my love tank babe” or “You are the best wife on the mountain babe”, of course I am thinking “I am the only wife on the mountain, all of the other ones are shopping”. But that is not the point. Now that I have had a shower and I am out of my stinky clothes and attitude, I am so glad that I went and that we had that time together, even if it was uncomfortable.

3. No two paths are the same.
1. About three-quarters up the hill, we saw another couple walking down the hill toward us. They were talking and laughing. As they got closer I asked “Is it pretty close to the top?” The woman, a fit, my guess marathon runner (since she was wearing a shirt that looked like she had to run one to get one), said “oh no, just about two more switchbacks and you are there. When you get to the top, there is a beautiful meadow and it is just beautiful”. So I think “ok, two more switchbacks. I can do this”. Of course this wasn’t true. It was actually another hour to the top and there was no meadow.
2. Marriage Lesson: No two courses are the same. Some people look like they are just whizzing through this and they never struggle. Some people have to stop often and re-group. Marriage is a self-paced trail. The important thing is to get to the top. To love each other along the way, and to focus on your path. We can get distracted when other people pass us, and I think as wives we feel like we are letting our spouse, our families, and other people down. Or, we compare our marriage to other relationships and we think that if only our husbands did this or if our house was like that…then….. All I have to say is, what looked like a meadow to my marathon lady, looked like a mountain to me. But there are probably other things in my life that seem easy to me, that are not easy for others. It is best to be content with what we have, and to love the adventure God has us on.
4. No matter how you get there, once you get to the top, the view is breathtaking.

1. So sure enough, the trail did eventually end and landed us right at the top of a three mile waterfall. We walked out of a forest and into a paradise. There was cool, clean water to drink, rocks to sit on, and a chance to enjoy the fruit of our effort. I am not exaggerating when I say I put my whole head into that cold water and stayed there until my breath gave out. 
2. Marriage Lesson: You will fight. You will probably fight often in some seasons. Your marriage is worth fighting for. It will feel thick, and hard and you won’t want to take another step. Sometimes you may forget why you started this in the first place. BUT, one smile, one “I’m sorry”, one kindness in the middle of frustration, and you will break into a brand new level of closeness and intimacy like you can’t even imagine now. The view from the top is worth it…. Everytime.

5. Miscellaneous thoughts about marriage. 
1. Shared adventures are the best adventures. When you have to choose something new, make sure that something takes you closer to your life together instead of closer to a path of individuality.
2. Bank loving words and gestures so when tension comes, you have an account to draw from.
3. Learn to laugh at yourself, try not to laugh at him, unless he is laughing at himself of course. 
4. Finally, hypothetically, if your husband tells you to release the C02 cartridge in the whipping cream dispenser before unscrewing the lid, listen to him. If you don’t and the whipping cream explodes all over the kitchen, smile for the camera as your husband laughs his head off at you.  

So there is some sage advice from an old married lady (says the Keri who had been married for 3 whole years) 

It is good for me to hear this again today at our 8 year mark.

Here's to marriage everyone - By the grace of God, it just gets better all the time!