anniversary circa 5 years ago

Shawn and I celebrated 8 years of marriage last tuesday. That still seems amazing to me in some ways, mostly because I can hardly remember what it was like before we were married. My sister said the exact same thing to me after she had been married for a few years. I was lamenting, whining, crying, moaning, all sorts of other non-flattering activities about not being married yet when she told me that. i didn't believe her at the time. i understand now.

So, Shawn and I were just talking about blogging etc..and he remembered a little devotional that i put together for a friends shower - it was one of my favourite messages. mostly because even re-reading it, i laugh out loud at my crazy relationship with my husband. he suggested that i share it with you, and i, being the submissive wife that i am decided to obey him post haste.

so...here you go...i know it is two blogs in two days, but i had a three week drought there so i need to catch up.

As you must know, God pairs us with just the right person for our personality. So in our case, Shawn is the left brain, and I am the right. Between the two of us, we have one full brain. This is encouraging.

On the outside, you would think that I am the dramatic person of the two of us, and this is mostly true, but Shawn has his own sense of drama (These stories are told with permission).

Shawn likes things to be the same, I never do the same thing twice. Shawn is methodic, and a precise person, I…am not. 

We have recently stumbled on a common phenomenon in married life it is called “try this babe”. I only say that it is common because as I have shared my story I discover that there are many other women who play this game with their husbands – it can range from licking a live battery, to scuba diving in shark infested waters, to (and this is my story) being told that vinegar is the cure for a cut, and he even got the vinegar for me while he laughed his head off in the pantry. Then proceeded to pour vinegar into my wound. This is his delight.

Another fun game we like to play is “cold feet”. This game happens when one of us comes to bed second and tortures the warm one with the popsicles that our toes have become.  I knew this game was out of control the night we were watching a movie and Shawn got up for a snack. I decided that a snack would be nice, so I went to the kitchen to find my husband WITH ONE FOOT IN THE FREEZER. His plan was to come back and place that ice cube of a foot on me under my nice, warm blanket.

So needless to say marriage is a work in progress. There are all sorts of things we should do, and can do better. But they take time to build in, and even then we have our off days or weeks or maybe let’s just say seasons.

Shawn and I recently went on a road trip. A very fun road trip. The goal was adventure and to see new things. We got both. One leg of our trip was to spend a few days in Yosemite National Park in California. I say Park loosely, because that is what they call it. I would call it something else, because I call Disneyland a park and a big one at that. In parks things are automated or accessible. Even the smaller parks involve gentle recreation like swinging, or riding the merri-go-round.

Yosemite was not like this. Everything here worth seeing was at the top of the mountain, and if you wanted to see the good stuff you needed to climb to it.

So I would call it, Yosemite - Aerobic Workout that you better have the right gear for or else, adventure in the wilderness/ kind of jungle safari park. Or you could call it “build your marriage mountain”, since communication between loving spouses changes once you are three hours into a promised one and a half-hour hike up a mountain that starts at 8,000 feet (that hike ended up taking 7 hours by the way). 

So here are a few things I learned about marriage on Build Your Marriage Mountain:

1. It always looks easy from a distance:



1. The mountain is so beautiful when I am sitting in my car and I am not huffing and puffing my way up it. All I am thinking from the car is “I bet the view from the top is so beautiful”
2. Marriage Lesson: Lots of people have opinions about what marriage should look like when they look from a distance. But once you get into it, it is quite a bit different. The trail may be steeper than it looks and there are lots of hidden turns that you don’t see when you are looking at the beautiful view.

 

2. Sometimes you need to compromise.
1. I am not what you would call a “hiker”. I walk, but that is very different than hiking. This trip was Shawn’s brain child and to say that he was excited would be a gross understatement. We were wilderness bound, with inspiration waiting to be discovered. This is not my idea of holiday, I would choose shopping, or sitting by a beach…something, well, lazy. So we decided that for everyday that I spent on the side of a mountain, he would spend a different day in the mall.
2. Marriage Lesson: I learned what it felt like to see my husband so happy at the top of a mountain, and enjoyed the times (as I was huffing and puffing up the hill) when he would yell back to me “You are filling my love tank babe” or “You are the best wife on the mountain babe”, of course I am thinking “I am the only wife on the mountain, all of the other ones are shopping”. But that is not the point. Now that I have had a shower and I am out of my stinky clothes and attitude, I am so glad that I went and that we had that time together, even if it was uncomfortable.

3. No two paths are the same.
1. About three-quarters up the hill, we saw another couple walking down the hill toward us. They were talking and laughing. As they got closer I asked “Is it pretty close to the top?” The woman, a fit, my guess marathon runner (since she was wearing a shirt that looked like she had to run one to get one), said “oh no, just about two more switchbacks and you are there. When you get to the top, there is a beautiful meadow and it is just beautiful”. So I think “ok, two more switchbacks. I can do this”. Of course this wasn’t true. It was actually another hour to the top and there was no meadow.
2. Marriage Lesson: No two courses are the same. Some people look like they are just whizzing through this and they never struggle. Some people have to stop often and re-group. Marriage is a self-paced trail. The important thing is to get to the top. To love each other along the way, and to focus on your path. We can get distracted when other people pass us, and I think as wives we feel like we are letting our spouse, our families, and other people down. Or, we compare our marriage to other relationships and we think that if only our husbands did this or if our house was like that…then….. All I have to say is, what looked like a meadow to my marathon lady, looked like a mountain to me. But there are probably other things in my life that seem easy to me, that are not easy for others. It is best to be content with what we have, and to love the adventure God has us on.
4. No matter how you get there, once you get to the top, the view is breathtaking.

1. So sure enough, the trail did eventually end and landed us right at the top of a three mile waterfall. We walked out of a forest and into a paradise. There was cool, clean water to drink, rocks to sit on, and a chance to enjoy the fruit of our effort. I am not exaggerating when I say I put my whole head into that cold water and stayed there until my breath gave out. 
2. Marriage Lesson: You will fight. You will probably fight often in some seasons. Your marriage is worth fighting for. It will feel thick, and hard and you won’t want to take another step. Sometimes you may forget why you started this in the first place. BUT, one smile, one “I’m sorry”, one kindness in the middle of frustration, and you will break into a brand new level of closeness and intimacy like you can’t even imagine now. The view from the top is worth it…. Everytime.

5. Miscellaneous thoughts about marriage. 
1. Shared adventures are the best adventures. When you have to choose something new, make sure that something takes you closer to your life together instead of closer to a path of individuality.
2. Bank loving words and gestures so when tension comes, you have an account to draw from.
3. Learn to laugh at yourself, try not to laugh at him, unless he is laughing at himself of course. 
4. Finally, hypothetically, if your husband tells you to release the C02 cartridge in the whipping cream dispenser before unscrewing the lid, listen to him. If you don’t and the whipping cream explodes all over the kitchen, smile for the camera as your husband laughs his head off at you.  

So there is some sage advice from an old married lady (says the Keri who had been married for 3 whole years) 

It is good for me to hear this again today at our 8 year mark.

Here's to marriage everyone - By the grace of God, it just gets better all the time! 

accentuate the positive

eliminate the negative...thats how the rest of the song goes. you should look it up on you tube, it is a cute song.

what i am setting out to do in this blog is to do just that - accentuate the positive.

what is true is that i feel like i am being sawn in half right under my rib cage. it is actually a combination of that and taking a hammer to an already very sore organ. i am not sure anymore what organ it is that is sitting directly under the right side of my rib cage, but it does feel swollen and i am pretty sure that the baby on that side of my tummy is rubbing their darling head aggressively against said swollen organ.

so, i am not traditionally a sit down and read books for hours on end while i lay on my side kind of a gal, but this is exactly what is happening. and i have another 6 weeks to go.

in the grand scheme of things, 6 weeks is nothing, really it is nothing. but as i sit at this end of 6 weeks, i have to admit it feels like a long time.

so to stay true to the title of this blog, i am going to review the good things that have happened in the past couple of weeks:

1) Emma (2 and a half) has found her sense of humour - and she is totally cracking me up! last night she grabs a chair, pulls Alina (1 and a half) over to it, sits her down and then stands behind her with the announcement "Hold still Alina, this is going to hurt". then she grabs her hair and begins to pull it back like she is going to karate chop it all off. Of course Alina can sense danger, being the second born, that instinct comes naturally. so she grabs the little chair, holds it behind her bum and proceeds to run out of the room as fast as her little legs can carry her. i was still laughing an hour later. to top it off, emma made up her own words to "if you're happy and you know it" from "clap your hands" to "shake your bum". and then she would wiggle so hard she would fall down. All around, she was a super hyper - super funny toddler last night that brought on a much needed laugh for her dad and i.

2) speaking of bums - the other night, the girls were in the tub, shawn was monitoring - but he went to get their pyjamas ready - and then this glass shattering scream came from Alina. the obvious question "Emma, what happened?". her answer "i bit her bum". and indeed she had. poor kid, right on the fat of her cute little bottom  - a perfect bite mark. life with toddlers is always a funny ride because you end up saying funny things like "Emma, we don't bite other people's bum's". Add that to the list of things you never thought you would say in your lifetime.

3) Shawn has been a gold medal dad - because i can't be a very hands on mom right now. he is in charge of every diaper for alina and every potty time with emma, most bedtimes, all wrestling and then special dates out with the girls so i can have naps. most household chores and the job of nurse to me have fallen on his capable shoulders, and i am so proud of him.  i have loved marriage, but i have never loved it as much as i do now. there is something so amazing about watching a man become a husband, take up the responsibility of a household and a wife. but nothing, i mean nothing compares to watching a man become "daddy".

4) our community has rallied and loved us. we are getting meals and calls with concern, and paper plates so we don't have to do dishes (isn't that a creative idea?). we are so grateful and humbled by the people around us. i have to admit, it is hard to be the needy one for this extended amount of time, but i plan to repay all of this kindness when i get off my couch - so all of you better watch out!

I sure don't mean to sound fake, over-positive, or saccharine. i could write a whole complaining blog, but i simply don't find that interesting. if you ask shawn, he can tell you that i am not always in the best head space, but you and my computer have found me in a good headspace, so why not talk about the good stuff?

stay tuned, we are on the home stretch for bringing two new bouncing baby boys into this world. I cannot wait to meet them!

at least i have feet

here is a little phrase i came up with a few years ago "at least i have feet". a strange thing to say for sure. but it was my way of saying, "even if it is bad, it could always be worse".

i am kind of employing my little phrase more often right now. my insides are still all crazy - still having pain in my ribs/pancreas/liver/gallbladder who knows? bottom line, it just hurts....all the time. i can't play with my girls the way i want to, do normal cleaning and laundry around my house, or pretty much move from my rocking chair for more than ten minutes at a time.  arghhhh! it is so frustrating!

the good news is, i know it is temporary. i may have a minor surgery that could help sometime next week, but worst case scenario - once the babies come, most of this pain should go, and then when i get my gallbladder out, the rest of the pain should end.

it just makes me think about people who are in constant pain, whether physical or emotional. my respect is off the charts. i mean it.

some days it is all i can do to smile and be nice. so what if this was going to be a long term issue? to stay positive, not self absorbed, able to keep up with the daily responsibilities and to not give in to complete lay-on-the-couch-itis, is such an accomplishment.

and it makes me remember again to pay attention when people are hurting. i hate that i get so busy and the first thing to go is compassion. of course i try to keep that as a core principle in my life - but i see how many times i have failed at it. there are simply times when we can't just "suck it up". we need to let people in, and let them help us. if they are willing.

so, of course, i think - am i willing?

i know that i walk by people at church or other places, that i know are hurting inside or out, and i say quick or trite phrases and run along my busy way. or, even worse, i don't say anything because i don't notice or to be quite honest i feel i don't have time to care. God, forgive me.

since i got out of the hospital i can tell that people are afraid to ask me how i am doing - maybe it will take too much time to explain, maybe they will feel responsible to do something about it if they hear what is happening. who knows? but it can sure make me feel like a high maintenance inconvenience for sure. to be fair i worry about being an inconvenience so my feelings could definitely magnify things that are not real.

nonetheless, i will learn again that it is crucial to care when people are hurting. to look them in the eye, to mean it when i say "how are you doing?" and then truly listen for the answer - maybe even offer to be part of the solution.

so, i have feet, and i can use them. the pain is constant, but temporary. and i am learning and re-learning lessons that i would be so wise to build my life on. let's just hope i remember them when my ribs are not throbbing and reminding me of this valuable life lessons.