the difference a year makes

mothers day is next week. for the past few years, mothers day has been the hardest day of the year for me. it is kind of like valentines day for the single. singles awareness day. i find that days to celebrate a certain demographic of people tends to also highlight those who are not in that group. of course, i never struggle on fathers day - i will never be one. but, mothers day...it used haunt me and mock me. then, every year there was that moment in church when all of the moms stand up to be celebrated. they deserve to be celebrated, but i wanted to be one of them and at that moment is was so, so obvious that i wasn't.

it didn't help that a few years ago we thought that we were going to be parents on that very weekend through adoption and then the birthmom changed her mind. i do not hold anything against her for doing this, it just made an already hard weekend harder. it's kind of "barrenness awareness day".

so, needless to say Mother's Day has not been my fav-o-rite day for quite sometime. and it is coming next weekend.

but this year it is different. so different. so wonderfully, dressed in pink and pretty bows kind of different.

this year, i am a mom. a full-fledge, bonafide M-O-M. I get to stand with all of the other ladies who have passed into the status of motherhood.

i wear my title with great thankfulness and honor - i have had the sleepless nights, the endless poopy diapers, the tears that come with each little milestone, the stretching of my heart in ways i never thought i would experience.

i sat in church last weekend with tears streaming down my face because we were singing the part of a song that says "nothing is impossible for you, you hold my world in your hands". and i was holding emma, my little miracle - saying with all my heart - nothing is impossible for you. You knew the whole time she would be ours, and now she is not just the evidence of things hoped for - she is the substance of our faith, we touch her, kiss her, love her. she is real. she is ours.

so i anticipate next weekend, i won't run from it. but i will never forget the ones who may be sitting there with no little bundle, no one to celebrate their contribution. they will be there, quietly hurting, waiting for the day to pass and smiling when all of the other women stand. i want them to feel seen, understood, appreciated.

so, Lord, help me to see them...more importantly, let them know that you see them, and that you have not forgotten about them - whisper in their hearts "nothing is impossible for Me".  we believe Lord, even when we can't see.

now faith is

i have been troubled. i have been troubled for awhile by a debate in my head about God's sovereignty. there are times, like now, that i am asking God to bend the normal laws for me. I am older - not old - but older than most seeking to have a baby. by the laws of nature, it should be improbable. and at times i think, is it possible? isn't it just a matter of His laws being played out in my body?

this debate started when my mom was sick. can we bring about our own premature death, by eating wrong, living wrong? can we, who love Jesus exercise that kind of power? do we say the day we die? or does he? i cannot, knowing what i know, say that i make that decision. but is it a free ticket to do whatever we want because it is all pre-destined anyway?

it is, i think, like the balance of grace. Paul said "what then, shall we continue in sin so that grace may increase? may it never be!" but do we need grace? yes. does that mean we don't love God? no. emphatically, no. it means that i love Him and i do my best to serve Him, to honor Him. and, He is mindful of my frame. He knows that at best, I will fail and even my most righteous acts must be washed in the blood of the lamb. but does that give me the excuse to live as i please and then throw out my prayer for forgiveness? no, i would not love Him if i lived like that.

i need to care about the things He cares about, but when i fail, and in my humanity I am neglectful of things i ought to really tend, He loves me and came to give me a way back to Him.

i must believe that He is sovereign.

and what is a miracle but the bending of the laws He created to make a way for man?

can't He make a way for me?

Abraham did not waver according to the promise - though his body was as good as dead.

from my devotional: Instead of growing weak, his faith grew stronger, exhibiting more power even as more difficulties became apparent. Abraham glorified God for His complete sufficiency and was "fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised. He is the God of limitless resources - the only limit comes from us.

and in the end, it was this very faith that made abraham a friend of God.

and i pray, dear God, give me that kind of faith. that believes you when all the laws of probability are stacked against me. you are eternally able to do what you have promised.

now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

air quality

we went away on sunday night for a little anniversary celebration. emma stayed with grandma and grandpa. so nice. i don't think i have ever appreciated a clean bed and yummy smelling soaps so much in my life. i jumped right onto that beautiful bed and took a nap. a delicious nap. have you ever had one? when you are in the perfect temperature with no noise, no distractions and no set wake up time? ahhhh, it is the thought of it that still makes me sigh with bliss.

shawn doesn't nap. when he does he is sick. thankfully he wasn't sick so he wasn't napping. but i was. yes, i was.

the joy of going away is that you don't think as much about well - balanced meals with good veggies etc... it is time to splurge. yes. and we did. bbq for lunch (mediocre) and pasta for dinner. at ordering, both sounded good. now, in retrospect, i think maybe a few more veggies would have been a good idea. i guess the spinach in the spinach and artichoke dip doesn't count?  my tummy didn't seem to think so.

i was kind however and stayed away from the meal that the waiter explained as "if you like garlic, you will love this meal". I thought, "hmmmm, small room, long night of burping etc...better not" so imagine my surprise when Shawn says "sounds good to me".

and you guessed it - all night - wow, there is a gift there.

and today when we were driving home...still giving birth to that wind. he tried to do that discreetly, but we weren't in chilliwack and there were no fields to blame it on. when i looked over at him as if to say "was that rotten oder coming from your general direction?" all i got was a sheepish grin (maybe a diabolical grin was under the sheepy one) and such was my life for the remainder of the drive home.

window up....window down...oh my goodness! how much more do you have in there?

in fairness, i do have to say that shawn is nice to me with my issues. remember my little nap? i know for sure i was snoring, but he always says "just heavy breathing my love".

isn't marriage great?