Free writing #1

When I was in college I took a writing class. I enjoyed it so much I repeated the class in my last year just for fun. It goes to show you that you never quite know when something you are obliged to do, such as taking electives in college, turns into a joy.

In this class I learned about a practice among writers called free writing. It includes writing, ahem...yes,  WRITING with a pencil (I used to have a dent in my long finger from writing)  in a spiral notebook. The idea is that you write without editing yourself and see what happens. This would include some very strange side thoughts while landing on whatever topic you were writing on. This proves to be a fun, and random wander through all the things the writer may be thinking about. It is a bunch of nonsense that usually ends up being a roadmap to a good thought. Who knew this would become a foundation for almost every other creative process I would find myself in in the years to come.

It is similar to brainstorming, you throw out everything that comes to mind without edits. As you review you throw out the bad and keep the good. The benefit in writing is that you can come across some really nicely written phrases if you don't break your thought by wondering if it is a good one.

Anywhoo...I kind of thought it would be fun to free write every once in a while. If you are not interested in the day by day stuff that is going on, you may want to stop here. But if you are up for a funny little drive through my memories, read on. I think in the original instructions for free writing  said not to worry about paragraphs, spelling or even punctuation but that bothers me so I will include said helpful reading tools. I may not capitalize, sorry about that.

Here goes:

January, what day is it? 17th, Sunday. I am normally at church but three of the four kids are sick so here I am, at home again this Sunday. Samuel so happily declared himself to be feeling better as he chugged half of a water bottle downstairs, then proceeded to vomit the entire contents immediately. best part? he did the deed then kept walking right on top of it as though it never happened. that child is irrepressible.

alina went to church with her dad, she is a quality time kind of kid so that is a treat for her. at last text, she was quite happily climbing all over shawn revelling in his entire attention span. he of course is trying to participate in worship, but that is not going to happen. emma has dandruff.  i don't know how to treat that in kids, i will look it up after i am done here.

i have much on my mind these days. i am actively working to rout out discouragement from my life. i really dislike how it gets under my skin and robs me of everyday function. I will spend some time on that soon and try to plan out how to fight it more effectively.

right now the kids are fresh out of the bath. my favourite, or my fr-ave-rite if i was isaac. they love the tub and i appreciate its wet-play-pen affect so i can get some things done. also they have been sick so this is a nice reset to the smell in our house. tomorrow we disinfect.

it cracks me up how involved isaac gets in shows. Wild Kratts is on TV right now, some whale chasing some shark and isaac is up on his knees yelling at the tv "NOOOOOO!" when one of them is about to get eaten, I forget who is lower on the food chain. oh, the orca. they just said it. it cracks me up that we talk about the food chain in our family. actually many of the things we talk about in our family crack me up. This is my key to enjoying parenting, humour. kids are hysterical or annoying, depending on how you look at it.

alina has decided that yelling will be her weapon of choice when it comes to fighting with the others. this often backfires. the kids push and push her, then she cracks and they just look at her like "whatisyourproblem?" then she becomes the problem. i totally get it. how is it that i apologize when someone else blows up? I don't know, but i do it all the time. me and alina, we get each other.

i sat down to watch videos of the kids the other day. the beauty of videos is that i am not as tired as i was when i filmed them. it is pure nostalgia and i wish i could reach through the screen and squeeze those little faces and kiss those little cheeks. but it is still fresh enough that i remember being crazy with sleep deprivation. i am glad for the look back but i sure appreciate being well rested.

it also makes me love my little tribe so much. they were all so little. emma was not even three when the boys came, alina a little 17 month old, they were babies and i thought they were so big compared to the boys. those boys sure made some good big sisters. even now they lavish them with kisses and talk to them like they are babies and try to nuzzle their necks. this is not welcome to the boys but it makes me smile.

smiling. i love smiles. i love secret smiles caught on strangers faces. one day we were at the grocery store and when i put ice cream in the cart both boys put their arms straight up in the air like they had scored a touchdown and yelled "ICE CREAM". I giggled of course but so did about three other ladies in the frozen food section. i feel like these are the little ways that we all help each other get along in life. we share our communities together, we will never see each other again most likely, but today we share a funny little moment.

i love it when couples go grocery shopping together and they are teasing each other. it reminds me of when shawn and i went shopping for the first time after we got married. our house didn't come equipped with cleaning supplies, an ironing board or scotch tape, so we were off to the store. while at the store, shawn decided to make the most of it by annoying me, since he DOES NOT LIKE THE STORE, that is his emphasis not mine. so my cart was slowly being filled with essentials, flour, windex, etc... his was being filled with marshmallows, and an ironing board. while wandering the aisles he would yell two rows over at the top of his lungs "KERRRRRIIIIIIII - DO WE NEED NOODLES???" I would look around innocently and make a face like "someone's husband is cray cray". When we met at the front and paid out our $375.00 I looked in his cart and he had not one, not two, but three kinds of HOT DOG RELISH. I don't even eat hot dogs. I couldn't imagine on what planet we would need three kinds of hot dog relish. His response? Well, my parents always had three... it made sense, so three bottles of hot dog relish it was. these same bottles of relish made it to the move out of our first house four years later. i actually had a hard time throwing them out since they made me smile everytime I looked at them.

I love that guy.

I need to pay attention to my children and the laundry so off i go. Thanks for stopping by.

Meanwhile here are some fun pictures of when we were first married:

my favourite picture from our wedding

he is tolerating me here

It is blurry, but I love this picture

I am here, I have been here, I just went quiet for awhile. Here is why:

It is the New Year. I am not sure what the simple turn of the calendar actually does, but it seems to make us all feel like it is time for a fresh start. The criticisms for resolutions aside, I welcome the chance to evaluate and reflect on what is working in my life and what isn't.

I haven't been blogging. I am not sure why, I think somewhere in my internal wanderings I decided that it wasn't really that important. I forgot why I did it so I stopped. If I got really honest with my insides I think I would have to confess I gave into some fears and insecurities. It is a vulnerable thing to put your thoughts out for the general public, such as it is, to read. Now that I think about it, I seem to remember reading a few popular blogs and enjoying them, only to go on to read the comments and think "Yikes! The internet public that sits in their own spaces and throws spears are pretty ruthless" I think I thought if that ever happened to me it would be very hurtful. (I haven't escaped great criticism, I just haven't made it to the big scary world with my blog where people forget that a human is behind the words)

Which leads me to an observation about insecurity and courage. I don't believe for a moment that people don't struggle with insecurity at some level. We all show it differently, some wear it on their sleeves, some are passive aggressive with comments, some sit in the safety of their home and criticize someone who took the time to write down their thoughts. Insecurity doesn't work well in a vacuum. It always wants someone to share in its misery. I think sometimes we feel small in our insecurity, so the reasonable course of action seems to be to puff ourselves up and roar. It is not a cure, it is just wearing a different outfit.

Insecurity and I have been in the ring for most of my life. There have been whole seasons of my life that I would describe myself as "paralyzed with insecurity and fear". When I tell people this they seem surprised. Overall,  I am confident, I can speak or sing in front of large crowds, I usually have clear thoughts and I am not afraid to share them. This of course does not mean that I don't worry that I have said the wrong thing, hurt someone, or worry that at the end of the day they don't like me or respect me.

I only say this to explain that it doesn't matter how bubbly, confident or strong a person looks, I believe we all struggle with the same questions: "Am I doing things right? Am I loved? Am I enough? Am I too much?"

Courage then, is the ability to turn it inside out. To stop caring primarily about what people say or think about me and focus on how I can help them, love them or encourage them. That may not sound courageous to you, but it sure does to me. Being others-centered is one of the bravest things we can be.

This brings me back to the purpose of my blog, which I forgot in the midst of my little bout with insecurity and fear...I started writing because I love writing. I love the idea that something that I think and take the time to write out might resonate with someone, even one person.  In that moment, we are friends, maybe partners working together to figure out what life is all about.

I also love to tell stories. Isn't it funny how the things we love to do become targets for doubt? Here is the truth, I feel silly telling my little stories. I hear a voice in my head saying "Is that all you've got? A story about your kids at the aquarium? It is simple, it is cliche, people all over your Facebook page are rolling their eyes right now" It feels simple, boring, like a big inside joke that no one feels like they want to sit through.

Back to courage. In this year, I am going to start blogging again on a regular basis. I am going to write what I like whether anyone reads it or not, whether I can hear the collective rolling of the eyes or not. I will acknowledge that people don't have to read my ramblings. If I am not their cup of tea, they don't need to drink it.  I am going to write anyway and I am going to enjoy it. I am also going to push the "post" button, because maybe one of those blogs may help someone just like me that day to know that we all have our stuff and we are in it together.

I confess that one of my greatest joys is when someone sees me and says "I read your blog, it made me laugh (or cry)" In my own way, it makes me feel like I am helping.

One final note***I have talked about insecurity enough to know that most people will see an honest confession as a pull for a compliment. I super-duper absolutely do not mean this to be a cry for attention. I really mean it as an explanation for the handful of people who have, in passing, over the last few months said "Hey! you haven't blogged for awhile".

In the weeks to come, you can expect to hear my sappy, funny stories about how much I love my kids and how I am so grateful for my husband.  I will wander through the boxes of my brain and work on thoughts that will help me and hopefully you, work out our stuff together.

I am looking forward to our visits.

Most Sincerely,

A bold, fierce, insecure, intimidated, overcoming lover of God

PS: I am going to work on punctuation this year too. I need to figure out the semicolon; I am not sure how to use it; I am terrified of all those grammar nazi posts and wonder "what in the world do they think of my ....and "" and paragraph breaks at random places because I am feeling like you might stop reading if I don't give your eyes a break. Sorry about that. (not sure it is going to change)

Meanwhile, here are some sweet pictures of our Christmas: