I haven't been blogging. I am not sure why, I think somewhere in my internal wanderings I decided that it wasn't really that important. I forgot why I did it so I stopped. If I got really honest with my insides I think I would have to confess I gave into some fears and insecurities. It is a vulnerable thing to put your thoughts out for the general public, such as it is, to read. Now that I think about it, I seem to remember reading a few popular blogs and enjoying them, only to go on to read the comments and think "Yikes! The internet public that sits in their own spaces and throws spears are pretty ruthless" I think I thought if that ever happened to me it would be very hurtful. (I haven't escaped great criticism, I just haven't made it to the big scary world with my blog where people forget that a human is behind the words)
Which leads me to an observation about insecurity and courage. I don't believe for a moment that people don't struggle with insecurity at some level. We all show it differently, some wear it on their sleeves, some are passive aggressive with comments, some sit in the safety of their home and criticize someone who took the time to write down their thoughts. Insecurity doesn't work well in a vacuum. It always wants someone to share in its misery. I think sometimes we feel small in our insecurity, so the reasonable course of action seems to be to puff ourselves up and roar. It is not a cure, it is just wearing a different outfit.
Insecurity and I have been in the ring for most of my life. There have been whole seasons of my life that I would describe myself as "paralyzed with insecurity and fear". When I tell people this they seem surprised. Overall, I am confident, I can speak or sing in front of large crowds, I usually have clear thoughts and I am not afraid to share them. This of course does not mean that I don't worry that I have said the wrong thing, hurt someone, or worry that at the end of the day they don't like me or respect me.
I only say this to explain that it doesn't matter how bubbly, confident or strong a person looks, I believe we all struggle with the same questions: "Am I doing things right? Am I loved? Am I enough? Am I too much?"
Courage then, is the ability to turn it inside out. To stop caring primarily about what people say or think about me and focus on how I can help them, love them or encourage them. That may not sound courageous to you, but it sure does to me. Being others-centered is one of the bravest things we can be.
This brings me back to the purpose of my blog, which I forgot in the midst of my little bout with insecurity and fear...I started writing because I love writing. I love the idea that something that I think and take the time to write out might resonate with someone, even one person. In that moment, we are friends, maybe partners working together to figure out what life is all about.
I also love to tell stories. Isn't it funny how the things we love to do become targets for doubt? Here is the truth, I feel silly telling my little stories. I hear a voice in my head saying "Is that all you've got? A story about your kids at the aquarium? It is simple, it is cliche, people all over your Facebook page are rolling their eyes right now" It feels simple, boring, like a big inside joke that no one feels like they want to sit through.
Back to courage. In this year, I am going to start blogging again on a regular basis. I am going to write what I like whether anyone reads it or not, whether I can hear the collective rolling of the eyes or not. I will acknowledge that people don't have to read my ramblings. If I am not their cup of tea, they don't need to drink it. I am going to write anyway and I am going to enjoy it. I am also going to push the "post" button, because maybe one of those blogs may help someone just like me that day to know that we all have our stuff and we are in it together.
I confess that one of my greatest joys is when someone sees me and says "I read your blog, it made me laugh (or cry)" In my own way, it makes me feel like I am helping.
One final note***I have talked about insecurity enough to know that most people will see an honest confession as a pull for a compliment. I super-duper absolutely do not mean this to be a cry for attention. I really mean it as an explanation for the handful of people who have, in passing, over the last few months said "Hey! you haven't blogged for awhile".
In the weeks to come, you can expect to hear my sappy, funny stories about how much I love my kids and how I am so grateful for my husband. I will wander through the boxes of my brain and work on thoughts that will help me and hopefully you, work out our stuff together.
I am looking forward to our visits.
Most Sincerely,
A bold, fierce, insecure, intimidated, overcoming lover of God
PS: I am going to work on punctuation this year too. I need to figure out the semicolon; I am not sure how to use it; I am terrified of all those grammar nazi posts and wonder "what in the world do they think of my ....and "" and paragraph breaks at random places because I am feeling like you might stop reading if I don't give your eyes a break. Sorry about that. (not sure it is going to change)
Meanwhile, here are some sweet pictures of our Christmas:
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