"Get to know them"

This was the simple advice I received when Emma was born - it was so simple, I almost missed it. She was only a week or two old, and one of my adopted moms came to see us. She has four kids, and a basketful of grandkids, so she might know a thing or two about being a mom.

"Your job, from here on out, is to get to know this little girl." She went on to tell me that the personalities that her kids had when they were small children, carries on to this day in different forms. One played by themselves, needed their alone time. The other ran the rest of the family like a miniature CEO. She described the rest...but you get the idea.

In my brand new mommy-hood, I didn't have a clue how much that little conversation would mean to me. I didn't know how many times I would refer to that conversation in my head, and apply to each of the other children when they came.

For some reason, before I had twins, I read an article about having twins. It said most parents feel like they "look between them", meaning never really looking AT them. I suppose it is easy to do that when you become a sleep deprived, feeding, changing diapers machine.

We have four small children. It would be so easy to meet their needs, make sure they have clean clothes, they are well fed, and they get outside for fresh air etc...

But for that conversation.

It is my job to get to know these children. To look at them, not just what they need for their bodies to run, or to look and smell right.

I want to pause here to say that I usually avoid the "advice" kind of blogs. I really feel like everyday is a learning curve for me, and I rarely feel like "oh, I could write a thesis on the foundations of parenting".

Yeah, I never feel like that.

I also avoid giving unsolicited advice because we all have such strong opinions about our kids - and well we should! So, if you decide to read on, do so knowing that I am confident that we are all doing the best we can to love our kids. We all need to do what we believe will be best for our kids. The thoughts that follow are my firm convictions for my family. You, of course, need to follow your own convictions for your family.

One of my friends, who is about about to become a mom for the first time, asked a handful of people for advice. What strollers to buy, what is our best advice, etc...

And this is it:

My job is not to raise children that make me look like a good mom.

My job is not to raise children that all fit into some tidy mold of good sleepers, good eaters, good mannered, good fashioned children (like the not parents yet, pins on pintrest:  cute kids in cute clothes - if they ever figure out how to get their three year old to wear that ever -so - fashionable hat for more than two nano seconds, I pray they would let me know)

It is not even my job to make my children Christians. It is my job to make Christ such a beautiful,  integrated part of my life that they want to know Him like their Mom and Dad know Him.

For sure, these are important things. We need to do our best to create systems that the kids feel safe in. But sometimes, principles fail because kids just don't fall into tidy packages.

My job is to get to know these kids. I need to understand what makes them tick, why things are important to them, why they cry, what makes them thrive and what makes them shrink.

I can say that the only parenting choices I see others make that get me in a lather are the "my way or the highway" kind of parenting style. I have worked with enough teenagers and young adults to know that many times, by the time they reach their teenage years they might just choose the highway.

In some ways, it is easier to have a one size fits all philosophy - you can get them to conform (I think, I am actually not great at this), but I guess I see adults having different personalities, and we all want to be understood within our context. Why wouldn't we think kids need the same?

I cannot expect an introvert to have the same needs as an extrovert - and sometimes when they are little it is easy to be unclear what their needs are.

It is my job to get to know them.

It would be easy to get frustrated at my oldest's need for things to line up exactly right. Sometimes, when things don't happen the way she imagines, she collapses on the floor - it is the end of her world. I know that my job is to teach her emotional maturity. As I write this, her pony tail is not tight enough, I tried to fix it, I didn't do it right and she fell apart. I have a choice to make: I can diminish her feelings, make her feel stupid for caring about her ponytail, and this would actually be the easier choice for me since I don't really care about her pony tail right now. Or...I can listen, tell her to be patient and to ask nicely so I can fix the offending hairstyle.

This is not a commentary on discipline or how to make your kids mind. I am definitely not wading into that pool!

It is more of a root question:

Am I doing what is best for me, or what is best for them?

It is hard to tell sometimes.

I do know that the priority of my parenting is to SEE my children. To discover them. To know what makes them tick, what frustrates them, what makes them laugh. How many hugs a day do each of them need to vaccinate them against that raging storm that waits outside our door?

I want to send them this message:

"You have what it takes to make it out there. You have a safe place here to be yourself. We love you. We love your personality. We love the way God made you and we want you to be the best you can be. This is a safe place to land. This is a safe place to make mistakes and to figure life out. Let's do it together."

For this reason (and I think I may offend some people here...) we never call our kids brats, divas, spoiled, etc..

I truly believe that the power of life and death is in the tongue - why would I call my kids names? I just don't think it is a great idea. I may not like their behaviour. I can call that whatever I want. But to call my child a brat - isn't that making a character assessment? It sounds kind of a long term decision about who they are, and I don't really want to raise brats. Why would I call them what I don't want them to be?

So, this is my answer to my friends question...it is simply the golden rule. "Treat others the way you would want to be treated"

I want to be seen. I want to be understood. I want the chance to explain myself if I said it wrong the first time. I want to be talked to with kindness and patience. I don't want to be pushed into a box. I want to be challenged to be stronger and better than I am today. You get the idea...

This rule matters most with those
who mean the most to us... our kids.

May we all do this with grace and patience toward ourselves and each other. So help us God.