I see it happening, and sometimes I feel powerless to stop it. I remember watching older people when I was young, I remember thinking "why do they seem sad, angry, irritated?". I was unbridled in my optimism when I was young. I am still an optimist. I still ruffle when someone says "I am not an optimist, I am a realist". This has always sounded like permission to be negative. But I get it, I do.
I want to say at the beginning that this post may seem a little sad, but I am not sad just contemplative.
Right now, I am in a great season. Everything I have ever asked for, I have been given. I have a great, intentional, relationship with my husband. I have four beautiful children, a gift beyond words after many years of waiting. We have a home big enough to accommodate all of us, and food on our table. I have nothing, really nothing to complain about.
And yet, I see sometimes that my sails don't fill as full as they used to. I find myself fighting to keep my thoughts in the positive column. I have wondered lately just how to get this ship of a heart into a safe harbour for healing. It is hard in a way to even admit that I need repair. Externally, I certainly have nothing to complain about. It is my heart that betrays me and keeps me spinning inside.
Life hits hard sometimes doesn't it? Grief that comes from death, loss of those you couldn't imagine living without. Grief of lost relationships you thought would last a lifetime. Betrayal from those who swore their loyalty and trust. Disappointment from unmet expectations. Rejection, actual or perceived. Misunderstanding from well meaning people who just bump up against the sensitive parts of our soul.
It is so easy to stay in survival mode, get to the next season, press through and hold it all together. I think this is the part I am good at. I can weather storms with determination and courage. I have done it, I will do it again. It is the aftermath, when by all appearances everything is better, my heart says "Rest now. Listen to me. Protect me". This is the part I am not as good at. My instinct is to power through, dismiss and talk myself out of any quietness. I can even find good reasons, Biblical reasons to ignore myself, take care of others and press through.
Here is the rub: The issues I stuff down deep spill out at their own discretion. I get irritated at inconvenience (and trust me, with four little people running around me all day my stuffed issues find lots of opportunities to find the light of day). I snap and fume over silly things. Then I feel guilty because I hate the tone I am setting in my house. I berate myself for being negative when really, why should I? My life is great.
But unresolved.
So, I see it. I see so clearly how it happens. We get older, we stuff more. We leave more and more complicated issues unresolved and those issues fly out on the freeway to unsuspecting strangers who cut us off. It spills out when we deliberately cut other people off in line ups because we cannot control our children, but we can make sure this stranger knows that they WILL treat me the way I feel I should be treated. Our world gets smaller and smaller. Our friend group gets smaller if there is one at all. It is risky to have people in our lives. They could hurt us, they could disappoint us. But we are so made for relationships that we can't help ourselves, we keep reaching, calling and opening up because we truly need each other.
When I was younger and my whole life was spreading out in front of me, I had so many ambitions. Ambition is not bad of course. I actually encourage it. It is important, vital I think, to reach for something bigger than any person could ever accomplish. Now, I think I would also tell my young, ambitious self if I would listen, that dreams are so important, goals are so important, destiny and reaching for it is one of the best things in life. I would also tell myself that life itself will try to rob you of every one of those dreams and work overtime to make sure that when you get there you won't enjoy them because your heart will be worn out. Life will try to take life.
But we must not let it. We must not. We need to keep our hearts resolved and clear. We must continue to risk and to reach. We need to give of ourselves and expect nothing in return. We need to reconcile when we can, forgive always, wage war until we find true joy again. Focus on what matters most, let go of the rest and most importantly, we must fight to keep our world from shrinking.
My husband and I are directors for a mentoring program at our church. One of the questions we ask the students at the beginning of their year is "what do you look like free?" I would ask myself a similar question - "What do you look like the day you will die?" This is what I want to be:
I want to be large hearted. I want to be generous, kind, thoughtful. I want people to know that when they are with me that they are truly cared about and loved. I want to be surrounded by those whom I love the most, knowing that we have fought the onslaught of sadness and negativity and stabbed our faith right through the heart of it. I want to raise giants, my own children and anyone whom I have the privilege of leading. I want them to know how to run their race like those who know that there is a prize for those who overcome. I want my house to be filled with laughter, not just the kids, but MINE. I want to be known for walking in peace. Most of all I want my faith in Jesus to truly represent itself in my life in a way that He would be pleased with me.
I am grateful for summers, for a time to rest. I find that these times can be a little challenging as well. Kind of like a big garage full of stuff that needs to be organized and de-cluttered. My heart and soul need to declutter from the past nine months (or more). I am believing that I will be stronger and more hopeful in September for the time I am spending purging this stuff now.
I pray that your heart and your own unresolved issues find the light of day this summer and that you will be able to find time to tie up loose ends, find peace and joy for the days to come.
