remember how i said that i procrastinate sometimes? well, right now i am typing this instead of packing. but i just had to say how happy, thrilled, excited i am that we are going to disneyland in two days.
i don't just love disneyland.
I LOVE DISNEYLAND!
we even went there on our honeymoon. i haven't been there since. so 7 years is long enough. now i am taking my daughter and she will see the happiest place on earth. and she will have no idea what is happening, but i don't care. i will know what is happening.
did i mention that i am going to disneyland?
Friday, April 22, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
mommy
i hear it every day now. first thing in the morning, if i don't get her, i hear her complaining to daddy - "mommy, mommy, mommy".
there were so many days when i didn't think i would ever hear that word in reference to me. such a sad thought for me. i would never be somebody's mommy.
those were dark, desperate days.
i remember one sunday afternoon, i had just started my cycle (again), much to my disappointment. so, i was trying to process that information. i was late that month, so my hopes were starting to rise - "maybe..." all morning, i sat in church, waiting for help, peace, reassurance... anything to make it better. i had made it through service with my smile on, trying to avoid anyone who actually knows me and knows when i am faking it. when we made it home, i fell apart. i wept that day, shawn wept with me.
we realized we had been fighting in our own corners. each of us were afraid to weigh the other one down with our sorrow and grief. but we were alone together. each by ourselves, but fighting the same darkness.
there was a party that day for a one year old, and we were on our way. so there was no time for blotchy faces and pity parties. back on with the smile. "i will cry later" i thought.
we were picking up a friend because her husband wasn't able to make it. before we got in the car she gave me a big hug - "I AM PREGNANT!".
my God, i thought i would die.
not because i wasn't happy for her. i was so happy for her. but my heart was raw and i wasn't coping well already. but there we were, in my front yard and i needed to be a good friend and show her how happy i was for her.
looking back now, i am sure i could have told her that i was having one of the worst days of my life, and i was so very happy for her, but so desperately sad for me. i am sure she could have handled it, but i didn't do that. i sat in the front seat and stared at the floor trying to keep myself from having a total breakdown.
then we arrived at the party of 1,000 babies and pregnant bellies.
this was not my finest hour. i didn't say much. i kept to myself - which i am not usually very good at. but this was it. i had nothing left to pray. i had no more bargains, no more deals to make with God. either i reconciled that i would never have children, or i would have to continue on the ride of hope, not knowing whether it would ever turn out or not.
the other day, i was thinking about that scripture "he who hopes in me will never be disappointed" and i thought to myself "he who hopes in my will never be disappointed -forever". i was disappointed in the moment, i was disappointed many times. but not now. now, i am not disappointed.
i won't be disappointed forever, just sometimes, for the moment.
and in that moment, i decide who i will be. will i trust? will i let Him win? will i give in to bitterness and the decay that follows? will rot in my jealousy and rail against my creator?
we won't know until we get there. but i was mad and i did rant for a few minutes and He is a big guy, He can handle it. but, of course at the end of the day i am left with the disciples who said "where else will we go? you alone have the words of life"
i didn't run that part of the race perfectly, and honestly, i am not really looking forward to the playback i will undoubtedly get on judgement day, but i learned, and i am better for it.
and now, two babies later. i hear my most beautiful title everyday. "mommy". and even when it is in that special whiny tone that makes my back teeth hurt, it is still the most beautiful name i have ever been called.
and today, i am not disappointed.
there were so many days when i didn't think i would ever hear that word in reference to me. such a sad thought for me. i would never be somebody's mommy.
those were dark, desperate days.
i remember one sunday afternoon, i had just started my cycle (again), much to my disappointment. so, i was trying to process that information. i was late that month, so my hopes were starting to rise - "maybe..." all morning, i sat in church, waiting for help, peace, reassurance... anything to make it better. i had made it through service with my smile on, trying to avoid anyone who actually knows me and knows when i am faking it. when we made it home, i fell apart. i wept that day, shawn wept with me.
we realized we had been fighting in our own corners. each of us were afraid to weigh the other one down with our sorrow and grief. but we were alone together. each by ourselves, but fighting the same darkness.
there was a party that day for a one year old, and we were on our way. so there was no time for blotchy faces and pity parties. back on with the smile. "i will cry later" i thought.
we were picking up a friend because her husband wasn't able to make it. before we got in the car she gave me a big hug - "I AM PREGNANT!".
my God, i thought i would die.
not because i wasn't happy for her. i was so happy for her. but my heart was raw and i wasn't coping well already. but there we were, in my front yard and i needed to be a good friend and show her how happy i was for her.
looking back now, i am sure i could have told her that i was having one of the worst days of my life, and i was so very happy for her, but so desperately sad for me. i am sure she could have handled it, but i didn't do that. i sat in the front seat and stared at the floor trying to keep myself from having a total breakdown.
then we arrived at the party of 1,000 babies and pregnant bellies.
this was not my finest hour. i didn't say much. i kept to myself - which i am not usually very good at. but this was it. i had nothing left to pray. i had no more bargains, no more deals to make with God. either i reconciled that i would never have children, or i would have to continue on the ride of hope, not knowing whether it would ever turn out or not.
the other day, i was thinking about that scripture "he who hopes in me will never be disappointed" and i thought to myself "he who hopes in my will never be disappointed -forever". i was disappointed in the moment, i was disappointed many times. but not now. now, i am not disappointed.
i won't be disappointed forever, just sometimes, for the moment.
and in that moment, i decide who i will be. will i trust? will i let Him win? will i give in to bitterness and the decay that follows? will rot in my jealousy and rail against my creator?
we won't know until we get there. but i was mad and i did rant for a few minutes and He is a big guy, He can handle it. but, of course at the end of the day i am left with the disciples who said "where else will we go? you alone have the words of life"
i didn't run that part of the race perfectly, and honestly, i am not really looking forward to the playback i will undoubtedly get on judgement day, but i learned, and i am better for it.
and now, two babies later. i hear my most beautiful title everyday. "mommy". and even when it is in that special whiny tone that makes my back teeth hurt, it is still the most beautiful name i have ever been called.
and today, i am not disappointed.
Friday, April 15, 2011
my gift
everyone of us should have someone in our lives that says "that is not like you". this of course implies that they know you well enough to remind you what you should be like, what the best version of yourself is.
my mom did that for me a few years ago. i am a naturally positive person, but i was surrounded by a lot of negativity, and i was forgetting optimism and getting sucked into the gloom and doom scenario's of life.
and that is when that little phrase "that is not who you are" popped in. and this is exactly what she said:
"you are, and have always been my daughter of joy. it is a gift and you need to steward it. right now you are squandering it, and forgetting who you are"
i am not saying that to say "look at me, i am so positive and happy", but i am saying that each of us were given gifts when we were brought into this world. and there is a thief that is constantly out to steal and destroy it. my gift is to bring the positive side to any scenario, and to look for solutions. by giving in to negativity i have allowed the world around me to snuff my gift and turn me into a grey automaton like the rest of those who have walked away from their gift.
until someone was ready to fight for me. and she did. and then i did. and we all must.
my husband, is another example. he is brilliant - but somewhere, deep inside, he started believing the lie that he was stupid. which is crazy to think if you have spent even a few minutes with him. when he saw the lie and he spoke the truth, it changed him and it is continuing to change him.
so now, i am spending my life with people trying to find their God-given gifts, and then speaking that truth with them so they can offer themselves to the world around them.
and my daughters...well, i know them. and i know what to say when their time comes. they are gifts, both of them, with different stories to tell.
and today, emma's gift seems to be to find every possible way to be within two square inches of me, and to find as many things that she shouldn't touch as she possibly can.
my gift.
my mom did that for me a few years ago. i am a naturally positive person, but i was surrounded by a lot of negativity, and i was forgetting optimism and getting sucked into the gloom and doom scenario's of life.
and that is when that little phrase "that is not who you are" popped in. and this is exactly what she said:
"you are, and have always been my daughter of joy. it is a gift and you need to steward it. right now you are squandering it, and forgetting who you are"
i am not saying that to say "look at me, i am so positive and happy", but i am saying that each of us were given gifts when we were brought into this world. and there is a thief that is constantly out to steal and destroy it. my gift is to bring the positive side to any scenario, and to look for solutions. by giving in to negativity i have allowed the world around me to snuff my gift and turn me into a grey automaton like the rest of those who have walked away from their gift.
until someone was ready to fight for me. and she did. and then i did. and we all must.
my husband, is another example. he is brilliant - but somewhere, deep inside, he started believing the lie that he was stupid. which is crazy to think if you have spent even a few minutes with him. when he saw the lie and he spoke the truth, it changed him and it is continuing to change him.
so now, i am spending my life with people trying to find their God-given gifts, and then speaking that truth with them so they can offer themselves to the world around them.
and my daughters...well, i know them. and i know what to say when their time comes. they are gifts, both of them, with different stories to tell.
and today, emma's gift seems to be to find every possible way to be within two square inches of me, and to find as many things that she shouldn't touch as she possibly can.
my gift.
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