dad's on the front porch

We just finished a great week of meetings with one of my favourite people: Jim Anderson, from Spokane. He was here this week to speak to our class. This man has dedicated his life to instructing a generation about God's view on sexuality and His heart for women.

He is like a floodlight in a dusty room. He begins to speak about the heart of a woman and I sit there, thinking "how on earth does he know that stuff? I can barely verbalize what is going on in the recesses of my heart and here he is pressing on all these tender spots!" He will say things like "women are wired for security, safety, permanence, and commitment."

and he is right. we may resist those old fashioned boxes, but we will all prove in time that these are indeed the greatest longings of our heart. We try to pretend that we don't need commitment, but we fight every time a relationship starts to keep from blurting out "where are we going with this? are you going to stick around?"

even if some hide it better than others, if we were really honest we would have to say we will not give our deepest selves unless we are safe.

anyway that is not really what i wanted to say. but it is important.

what i did want to say was that Jim told a story once that really left an impression on me.

He was outside one day and he heard his girls (2 of the 6 that he has) crying. He ran around the corner to hear them say "dad, those boys were throwing rocks at us". He went running after the boys and with his pointer finger out he said "WERE YOU THROWING ROCKS AT MY DAUGHTERS?"

I bet those boys wet their pants.

Then he went on to say that if dads would spend more time on their porches, their girls would be safer and boys would not be free to throw rocks at them.

and that is one of the main tragedies of our modern society. there are not enough dads protecting their daughters, and not enough men teaching young men how they should behave.

so rocks are thrown, hearts are broken a hundred times over and young people are left to figure it out on their own.

it was never meant to be that way.

God placed the older to teach the younger. to lead, guide and model what real adulthood looks like.

i have confessed my love for porches in earlier entries. so let me add this...i love porches with dad's on them, ready to chase and train the next generation.

i shudder to think that my girls would feel like an object to be used, or preyed on. and i can promise you the words that would come from my husband.... "over my dead body".

a girl without the voice of a father is left to fill her heart with the glances of a thousand men. and it will never satisfy. only love, permanence and acceptance for who we are will create an atmosphere where we can be who we were truly made to be.

it is like my little girls now. they love running around the house naked, it cracks them up. it cracks me up too, i am sure you can imagine. they are free, they are loved, they are not ashamed or afraid.

this confidence comes from their surroundings. they are safe. they are loved. they are delighted in.

and while we will not encourage that naked behaviour forever (ok, ok, we will teach them manners, i guess), i do pray that the security they feel here will cause them to run into life with the same boldness that they run around our house with now.

i wish i could stand on my roof and shout "DAD'S! GO OUTSIDE AND PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT IS HAPPENING AROUND YOU! we need you so desperately. teach your sons to honour and protect, teach your daughters to walk in purity and confidence."

i think we should all get busy building porches again. i am more and more convinced that the fall of every great civilization starts when people get rid of their front porches.

did the romans have porches? see? i rest my case. goodnight.

gratitude

the older i get, the more i am convinced. gratitude is the key to all longevity, and mental wellness.

it is the cure for familiarity, entitlement, disappointment, discouragement, self-pity, anger, jealousy, apathy and anxiety. there are more, but that should cover most of the things that ail us.

think about it.

we are robbed by ungratefulness. when we feel we deserve more, we get angry or disappointed - it a gratitude issue. maybe this why David said "it is better to be a doorkeeper in the house of the Lord than to dwell in the tents of the wicked". (Ps. 84:10)

he was just glad to be there. so it makes me wonder...am i?

why do i hesitate to give my heart?

why do i withhold time, affection, attention because i forgot what it was like to feel like i was on the outside looking in. am i still grateful for all that He has done for me?

do i still have a heart for the lonely, now that i am not lonely?

do i still have a heart for the aching heart, now that my heart is not aching?

and to these questions i would say, it depends on how grateful i am.

but i also learned in those seasons of loneliness, and aching that i needed to be grateful - not for what i had, but because of who He is. His love never fails, it never gives up. even when i didn't see my circumstances changing, it was still my job to be grateful. and if i couldn't thank Him for the things i couldn't see, there is no way i would have been grateful when i could see them.

there were days that it was so hard, that i literally just said "thank you that i have feet".

i couldn't think of anything else, but i KNEW  i needed to be grateful. so, sometimes it was feet. and even still - some people don't even have feet, and they still have to be grateful. that is what makes them heroes to the rest of us who have everything and we are still unhappy.

the worst thing is, try to tell a room full of 18-25 year olds that this is truth, but if they are not grateful to receive the truth, it cannot set them free.

i feel my own conviction kicking in here...i have been overwhelmed this week. of course i am grateful to be pregnant, but i am starting to imagine trying to wrangle four children under 3 when these little bundles arrive sometime in the late spring. and i am telling myself, as i am writing to the big blogging world, that He will not give us more than we can handle and i have to fight to stay in a place of gratitude and away from anxiety and fear.

i am thankful tonight, not just for my feet, but for the other 5 sets of feet that now make up the Harvey family.

overtaken

i laugh a bit when i see the title of my last post. and forgive me for not writing sooner, you see, a few days after i posted about being overtaken by blessings, i found out that i am pregnant....with twins.

i just can't stop laughing.

i am totally overwhelmed, overtaken, over my head, over the top. just over all over.

if you read my blog, or know me at all, you must know that there were many days that i didn't think that we would ever know what it was to have one child. and now! we are going to have FOUR!

i was praying one day and asking for new strength in our waiting season - and the Lord told me "i don't waste money". that may sound a little too earthly for the Lord of the universe to say - but listen. we didn't pay ONE DIME for our in vitro process. we were given every cent - and let me tell you it is expensive. so when He said that he doesn't waste money, i think what He meant was - "lots of people trusted me, and believed that I would do this for you, so i am not going to let that investment go to waste"

so if you gave us any money, or prayed for us even once - you can just join in the laugh and the blessing - we have all of you to thank.

our brains are exploding with logistics and planning. but our dreams are coming true - and we have a new mini-van to prove it.

i will resume more blogging when i am not so blooming tired. all this blooming is exhausting.

goodnight.

come upon and overtake you

i used to claim this promise...in deuteronomy 28:1-2 

¹ “Now it shall be, if you diligently obey the LORD your God, being careful to do all His commandments which I command you today, the LORD your God will set you high above all the nations of the earth. ² All these blessings will come upon you and overtake you if you obey the LORD your God"


and now...my goodness, it has happened. 


I am overtaken with toys and noise and a bustling house. and there is not a day that goes by that i don't remember the emptiness, the hollow sound of loneliness. The crying, the hoping, wishing and dreaming.

it is the simple things: I used to have cold feet in my little single bed, all night long. and now, i have a warm husband to tuck my cold feet under - and he is even a willing victim!

and my kiddo's...they want me, they need me, they delight in me. and they are the delight of my heart. we were so grateful to be married, but we missed little footsteps in fuzzy jammies running all over our house.

and now, every morning, i hear the "da, da, da, whooooo" from alina, and the "mommy, come and get-choo" from emma. (this is what we taught her to do as an alternative to crying until we came for her in the morning. we actually told her to say "mommy, daddy, come and get me" but she came up with her own version)

it is so hard to wait, so, so hard to wait. but what happened? He made it all beautiful in His time.

nothing is the same.

car rides are not the same. alina has "joy spasms" which means that out of no where she just yells until she  gags herself. she is not mad, or crying, she is just "singing". emma doesn't appreciate it, so she joins in with her own blood curdling scream - and we drive, somewhat helpless because alina doesn't understand Shhhh. and Emma doesn't really understand that alina does things that she is not allowed to do.

so we just have to laugh. it is our blessing, coming upon us and overtaking us. and making us deaf.

and i might as well tell you that we have another one coming.

yes, that means three under three by next summer.

My God, help me. running after these promises is a lot of work!

and now i am running with morning sickness and a crazy kind of tiredness.

but i wouldn't trade it for the world, no i wouldn't.

my tsunami of promises, that is how i see it. it is abundant and beautiful. and again, i am so grateful.

(if you are waiting for your promises - hang in there - and in the meantime...sleep. because when they come you may never sleep again!)

what a dad does

it is an interesting journey every year to watch a new group of young people come into our program. They all come with their "stuff". We all have our stuff, but tonight i am thinking about the dad stuff.

i was talking to one of the students today about what a dad does. this young man didn't have a father in his life, he was raised entirely by his mom. so at this stage, he tends to avoid interaction with most older men, they intimidate him. so instead, he seeks out motherly figures that he can relate to. i asked him today what his idea of a father was, and he said something like "a guy that encourages, or shows me how to do man stuff" (i can't remember exactly what he said, but you get the idea - he really didn't know what a dad did).

that young man will have a problem if he doesn't figure it out. he wants to be married and have children, but he has not been able to find a man that he can replicate. so if he is not careful he will parent more like a mother - which of course, mothering is vital, but that is not how he is wired - he is made to be a dad. and if he doesn't know what a dad does, his image of a dad could be "crawl up on my lap and cuddle - and i will tell you that you are wonderful all day"

so i told him about my dad. now understand, my dad is a rockstar.  there were times that i got to crawl up on his lap and cuddle (not now, of course) and there were times and still are, that he encourages me and reminds who i am. BUT he was also the one that would say when i had climbed a tree and couldn't get out "well, you got yourself up there, you get yourself down". Or, we would be at an amusement park and he would want to go on a roller coaster and i would say "uh...no", then he would say "what is the worst thing that could happen?" "well, dad, i could die" and he would respond "ok, so what is the issue?"

that might sound a little rough (and maybe he would tell it different), but in both examples he was teaching me - one, to problem solve and two, to face my fears.

mom was a rescuer, a comforter, an encourager. dad was an empower-er, and a poke in the bum when i wasn't being what i should be.  he wasn't santa claus (but you need to know that right now he is growing his beard to be santa at christmas -and we have a family photo shoot on saturday - this is going to make for years of great story telling to the children) he didn't give me everything i wanted, but he gave me what i needed - the confidence to rush into the world and take hold of every opportunity that i could.

he used to say "i don't care if you collect garbage for a living, you just be the best garbage collector on the planet".

so in my world it was - no compromise, no shortcuts, honesty first, respect and honour to authority, and a fierce determination to dream for the impossible. My parents song was "the impossible dream" - look it up, it is a great song-  this is a little bit of it:

this is my quest to follow that star
no matter how hopeless
no matter how far
to fight for the right
without question or pause
to be willing to march into hell for a heavenly cause
and i know if i'll only be true
to this glorious quest
then my heart will lie peaceful and calm
when I'm laid to my rest
and the world will be better for this
that one man, torn and covered with scars
still strove with his last ounce of courage
to reach the unreachable star

and this is in my  DNA. because my dad put it there.

he overcame hell to march me into heaven and i am living in the fruit of his faithfulness.

so i tell this young man - you fight to know what a dad does. find dad's  - seek out older men - be determined and fierce in finding your identity as a man so you can give your kids what my dad gave me. he limped so i could run, he made hard decisions that i will never have to make, he showed me what courage and determination looks like.

and of course, if you asked him, he would just shrug his shoulders and say "meh, it's what a dad does".



(am i right dad?)

the front porch

i read a series of books a few years ago by Phillip Gulley - i think that is his name. he suggested that the decline of western civility began when people stopped putting porches on the front of their houses.

and i agree.

I have been to, and lived in, houses that had them, and those houses haunt me to this day. i ache for the beautiful swing at the Delaney's in Spokane. and the Breedens had a sweet little porch perfectly situated in the middle of a beautiful little rose garden in the front yard. I have roses in my backyard as a tribute to that yard.  i love those porches. i love the conversations i had there, and the people i knew there. i love that people would just stop by for a visit, put one foot up on the step and jingle their keys to indicate that at any minute they may need to leave, but for the moment, they were content to stop and visit for a little bit.

porches are made for quick little conversations, a bit of catch up time. or, they are made for surprise deeper conversations that may be needed for the moment.

in any case, porches are simply inviting.

they are your outdoor living room, but more open to the passer by.

i dream of those lovely southern porches with the hammock and an outdoor fan. sure, they pre-date air conditioning, but i still love them. if i can have air conditioning and an outdoor fan...really? what else could i ask for? maybe my house in heaven will have a porch with a swing and a fan. (will it be hot enough in heaven for a fan? i do love fans)

we notice that new housing developments are adding porches to the homes. and we are glad. mind you, there is a postage stamp of lawn, but still there are porches and they stand as a tribute to our need to connect with the people in our neighbourhoods. the kids may not have a place to play in the sprinkler, but at least they will know what it is to sit on the porch and wave at the crazy people who live across the street.

so the markets tumble and governments rise and fall, but a society without porches is also a tragedy, and i don't think enough people fully grasp the contribution of a neighbourhood that cares enough to sit in their front yard.

i will have a porch someday - maybe not now because our street is really loud and i sleepwalk sometimes (see earlier posts). but when i live in a safer neighbourhood and i can wander around whenever i feel like it, i will have a lovely porch with a swing and couches and a fan and, oh...the options are limitless.

thank you for listening to my little dialogue about this strange little topic. we must all have our secret loves.

long live the porch!

seeing around corners

i am thinking tonight about transitions, and change. i have been observing my girls and of course, they are  teaching me. Alina started crawling a few weeks ago, and she is quickly picking up the knack for pulling up on things (you can imagine that this is a game changer for the mommy and the daddy, there is no more just laying around and making cute little noises).

I am on round two of watching babies develop new skills. there is a pattern, as much as babies follow a pattern. 1) they are content, enjoying the stage they are at. 5 weeks ago, Alina would lay on her play mat and coo and make great little noises. but then she started turning on her side which leads to 2) they get frustrated because they can tell there is something else that they should be able to do but they just can't yet. so she yells and cries and grunts and groans until...3) she figures out what to do and then she is off to the races. About 4 weeks ago, Alina was up on her knees rocking back and forth, and in no time she was crawling at lightning speed into the kitchen and under my feet.

and then, this week the pattern repeated itself - she was not content to crawl, now she is up on her knees finding tables and shelves, anything that is just a little taller than her that she can pull up on. but she is frustrated because she can't do it yet, and sometimes she bonks her head on the floor when she is trying to get up.

the thing is, i am pretty calm throughout the whole process. i know she will figure it out. i am there to comfort her when she gets too mad or hurts herself... i am guessing you can see where i am going with this.

Matthew 6:25-34“That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing?  Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?
  “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?
  “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

 “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today."

and there you have it. 

i can't see around corners, but He can. and He is not nervous - not one bit. 

He is compassionate, He is patient, He is ready to encourage and comfort, but He is not worried that we won't figure it out. 

so, the question for my heart..."why do i have so little faith?" which is really what i am saying when I am worrying. inadvertently, i am saying "i can't see around corners, but neither can You, so i better not sleep well, and i better spend lots of time spinning my brain and trying to figure it all out." 

and i get frustrated. but i need to be frustrated if i am going to change. 

in every process, there are things that i can do, and then there are things that only He can do. I cannot open doors, make things happen, make dreams come true. but i can practice faithfulness, servanthood and humility. and i can keep trusting. 

Alina does this by instinct. she doesn't really worry that someone won't come to get her. she is bold in her learning (mostly because she doesn't understand gravity, but still). and i want to be bold in my learning and my practicing. 

i don't know what all of this flexing and lifting will produce, but i do know that when i turn the corner i want to have more character than when i stood on the other side. and i want my faith to say "no matter what, i trust that you will catch me if i fall". 

and more importantly, i want to remember that in all of this that not only does He see around the corner to what is coming next, He sees me. and if my little human heart can explode with joy when i see Alina figure something out, I just have to imagine that my Father jumps for joy when i do turn that corner knowing and loving Him more.  

if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. 

once again Lord. you have left me speechless. thanks. 

optimism

i feel the need to clarify my last post. my sister will be embarrassed that i am saying this, but she was worried about me. she said that last one didn't sound like me. if you felt the same, i am sorry and i am fine. (not that i really think you are spending all of your free time worrying about me, but still) it laughed a little when she asked me because i was, literally, falling asleep while i wrote that. i woke up twice and my fingers were still moving - so who knows what in the world i was saying. the whole scenario makes me laugh a little. not that what i said wasn't true, i just usually soften it a little before i hit "post". so there you have it.

i am happy to be an optimist, usually things hit me but i bounce back pretty quickly - i think the main thing i was trying to say was that i haven't really done a personal inventory for a little while and i think some of the deeper places of my heart need some attention.

i think we, our family, are moving into a new season (who isn't?), and i don't want to pack old stuff with me. i need to keep fighting for a clutter free life. it is so easy to just stay in the same old mindsets and slide into negativity. but we need to fight it. every day, i need to fight it. and the truth is, i have no reason to be negative right now - life is good. really good. but negativity is a rut and sadly the default setting for the fallen heart.

even today - the anniversary of the attacks on the twin towers, we must believe that there is hope and there is beauty even in the darkest nights.

life changes, hardships happen, we take hits and sometimes we get knocked down. BUT - in the end, we must get up, keep our hearts buoyant, and find joy in the everyday things.

and i need to remind myself, i am not pounding on the door asking for promises right now. i am through the door, keeping my house and running after my little promises every day.  i am not dreaming, i am living the dream. dreaming is a little cheap in comparison. living the dream is costly, and it takes a lot to embrace every minute of it.

but who is complaining? i have, in it's own time, received every single thing i asked for - at least the big ones and who cares about the rest?

there you have it, that is what i meant to say the other night - i am happy to report that i haven't fallen asleep even once in the process of typing this. ta daa!

grace

there is season for everything. some seasons i like better than others.

i was praying yesterday, kicking around ideas of where i am in my life. and i realized that i missed the weather forecast. i keep thinking it is winter, i am dressed to the top of my head, braced for the next wave of bad news.

let me explain. the last decade of my life has been full. it has not all been bad, of course some beautiful things have happened. i got married to a wonderful man, we had the miracle of two new babies joining our family, we bought a beautiful home, i have the honour of having a great job, and continue to have amazing friends and family.

but it has been a long, dark night. i didn't get married until i was 33, my mom was diagnosed with cancer the week after i got engaged, my mom suffered and died from that same cancer the following year, my dad also got cancer (and thankfully recovered), we have ridden the roller coaster of infertility for the past 6 years, and i had two miscarriages.

i get tired just reading that. and i am not saying all of that to extract pity, they are facts now, events that i lived through along with the every day ins and outs of life.

and my faith took some hits. my heart, i am realizing in the last couple of days, is tired. i see in me that i have grown weary in well doing.

somehow, through all of the trials, i managed to keep faith - i braced myself against the elements and took on an attitude that said "do your worst". "bring it on, it will only make me stronger."

and in many ways it has. i am a better person because of what i suffered, but i have lost something. my heart, i think i mentioned, is tired. i am a little road weary - a little more cautious, sadly, a bit skeptical. and everything is back up for question.

my dad taught me once to say "what is right about what i am doing now?", don't ask what is wrong, it will take too long to answer, but to say what is right...that narrows down the options and makes me focus on what really matters. keep what is right, lose what isn't. that is good advice.

i think what i am doing right, right  now, is being faithful. meaning consistent. but i realized yesterday i am not faith-ful. i am braced for bad news. i am protecting myself, i am expecting the worst in some ways. i am putting my hands out to soften the fall.

but i don't think this is the abundant life that i was called to live in.

that is why i am dressed for winter in the middle of the summer (metaphorically of course). and yesterday it felt like it is time to shed some of the baggage from the last season in order to walk into the new. it seems such a shame to be in a time of fulfillment, but to be so cold in heart that i can't even enjoy it.

and i wonder why the last few months have felt like so much work mentally. it is because the season changed and i missed it. i don't need my winter coat right now - i need a summer dress. i need to be in the sunshine, soaking up the warmth.

and the grace, thank God for grace, the God given ability to do God's will. He takes the burden, tells me not to worry about it, then gives me perspective on what He sees so i can change.

and for the first time in a couple of months, my mind is silent and free of anxiety about the future.

i am asking the Lord to teach me to THRIVE, not just live.

and so, in my heart, it is time for some spring cleaning, we need to go through some closets and get rid of old thinking and behaviour. and i welcome it. it already started today.

and, because i am in a season of fulfillment, i am exhausted. not spiritually, actually exhausted. i have almost fallen asleep three times just wiring this.

so, all of this to say, i am so grateful for his grace. he not only asked us to conform to His image, He gave us a way to make it happen.

eternal

i have been thinking the past few days about Ecclesiastes - the part where Solomon boldly declares that there is nothing new under the sun, and that all is vanity. It does, at first glance, seem a bit pathetic - a cynics end to a self indulgent life. he had seen it all, tried it all, had it all. he had women, power, money, influence, etc... and then at the end, to say it is all nothing? it seems sad.

but as i get older, i see his point.

don't get me wrong. i am 100% optimist. i am a painfully "look at the bright side of life" kind of creature. so believe me when i say, it is not cynicism. it is reality.

this life goes by so fast. so so fast.

and we are so so busy.

doing what?

filling our days with work, pleasure, purpose as much as we can find it.

but what remains?

only love.

love is the only thing that stays. and that is the only lasting impact of how we affected the world around us. the things we did out of love are the only things that make it when i leave this place.

i was thinking about this because i was watching a speech by a guy who was talking about what we leave with all the social media, blogging, text messaging, email, etc... he said the amount of information left about us is unprecedented (i know, big shocker, but think about it). he talked about a guy who knew he was going to die of cancer, and he had his friends post his last blog the day he died.

but then what? what happens to all of his other blogs and who will care to read them? only the ones who loved him.

then i thought about all of my silly status updates on Facebook. i wondered how weird they would sound when i am long gone. who is going to care that i didn't sleep well, for like 3 years? I am weird, i know, but this is what i have been thinking about between breakfast and bath time.

i am, as always, determined to live each day to the full - sometimes this thought drives me crazy because i wonder if i am allowed to nap on a day lived to the full - but i also realize that sometimes i am just busy, doing the practical and necessary stuff that i need to do to get by. a life lived in love also includes laundry and dishes. i can't always be the one having significant moments with people - there are times i just need to do the small stuff.

but i am thinking again, what will my legacy be? who will i have been a part of? who will know that i loved them? i mean really loved them? i loved them not because i had to, but because i wanted to.

i hope the message of my life is not that i cared about people because it was part of my job description, but because it is my life calling and the only thing that really matters.

I will still put dumb status updates on Facebook, and i guess it will be up to another generation to figure out what to do with all of this information. i do just pray that in each day i find a way to make another person feel significant, cherished and important.

in the end, that is all that matters.

the potty season

just when you think that you are the craziest person on the planet, you can find someone crazier (i kind of wondered if crazier was actually a word, but the computer let my type and a leave it without underlining it to tell me "that is not a word you crazy lady").

i just read an article that explained how this woman was working 80 hours a week, she would pump her breast milk during breaks between meetings, and then fed ex it home for her baby. um, yeah, that is crazy. crazier than me. phew, i feel much better about myself.

of course i find it interesting that she felt so strongly that she should continue breastfeeding even though she wasn't seeing her child. i wonder what the child would have preferred, her time or her milk? just saying.

long story short, she and her husband sold their house, packed up their three children and are now in the process of sailing around the world.

makes me wonder how much we could get for our house.

not enough, i am sure.

anyway, i am just saying that i do feel crazy sometimes, but i am not shipping breast milk across the country.

i am determined to not post a thing about potty training on my Facebook wall. but i can sure see why people do it. potty training feels more encompassing than finals in university. oh. my. goodness.

today, i asked her every ten minutes if she had to go. "nope", "nope", "nope". then the moment arrives "mommy, i need to go".

you do? oh good girl! let's go in the bathroom.

so we do, and off comes everything and on to the potty.

for two seconds.

then it is the naked sprint around the house - and the expectation that i will chase her little pink bum in circles until i catch her.

but...i fooled her. i hid in the front closet on one of the laps. and i waited for her to find me. i waited, and waited. probably for about 30 seconds, but that is like 10 minutes in toddler world. during that little siesta in the front closet, my darling, relieved herself on my living room rug.

i went to 4 years of university. i am an educated woman. people trust me to counsel them, and keep their secrets. and i was bested by a two year old.

should have seen that one coming a mile away.

"mommy, its wet" she says as she stands over her masterpiece. "yes, i can see that".

heaven help me, this is just the beginning.

so, while i pride myself on not posting this on Facebook - you, my beloved blogging followers will get the rare insight into our journey to train in all things potty. lucky you.

but i do have to say that today, even with the wet spot on my living room floor, was just about as perfect a day as i can imagine. my girls made me laugh, they gave me hugs, we rolled around on the floor, and sprayed each other with the hose. it is never far from me that i wondered if these days would ever come - i know i say it a lot, but i think it more than i say it - i am so thankful that i get to be a mommy, even on the hard days, i wouldn't trade it for the world.

and now, this party animal is going to bed at 9:30 on a Friday. goodnight.

laughing in my sleep

it is crazy when it happens, especially when it happens twice in a week.

i am a bit of a restless sleeper (and i hear my husband and family say "a bit?") i was famous in my younger years for sleepwalking, talking, wandering, bathing - yes it is true, imagine being my parents!

i kept thinking, "oh, i will outgrow it". ummm, still not happening.

in my single years, i would dream that the hotel we were staying in was on fire, so i would wake a room of 3 other girls up in hysterics trying to get them out of the room, while they all tried to gently tell me "um, keri, there is no fire".

if you have followed my blog for awhile, you may remember the night i yelled from my front porch at some young men who were walking by our house in the middle of the night. scroll back if you haven't read it, the story still makes me laugh out loud.

and my husband, dear, sweet, shawn. he never knows what he is going to get when he comes to bed. one night he was woken to me climbing over the top of him so i could go to the bathroom. "keri," says he "why don't you get out on your side of the bed?" "well," says I, "there are creepy men on the other side of me and i don't want to touch them". "ah ha, that clears it all up" he says. of course i was dreaming, and in my dream we were staying in a hostel of some kind and there WERE creepy men on the other side of me. it made perfect sense.

so, this week, twice to be exact, i have been laughing in my sleep. one night, shawn was coming to bed and i was already asleep. i was laughing when he came in to our room, so he is like...."did i say something funny?" but of course i don't answer him, i am asleep. and then, last night, i had a dream that i was at an amusement park with 4 silly girls (who shall remain nameless at this point), we were on those flying swings (you know, the ones on chains that go round and round). they were trying to convince all of their friends to stand underneath us so we could kick them in the head while we went around. you would have laughed too, i know you would have. because they were so serious, and pitching a serious request "just stand there and we will kick you in the head, it will be fine" and then they were incredulous when people would say no.

so, i woke up laughing. and i think i decided today that i must not be laughing enough in the daytime so my mind is trying to make up for it at night. well, mind, stop it. i need to sleep. i hereby declare i will try to laugh more during the day, so i (and my husband) can get some rest.

goodnight.

resting

so we are just finishing up our vacation. we had such a nice time - oregon, washington, dipped our toe into california. vacationing is very different with two babies under two. when i picture vacation, i usually imagine lots of rest, reading, driving and listening to audiobooks with my husband (this probably makes us nerds, but we love it). i picture this, because that is what vacations used to look like.

this vacation did not look like that.

to summarize, the latest we ever slept was 7:30, the earliest morning was 4:30 (with a little nap from 6:00-7:30). emma spiked a fever. so we spent the first few days trying to decide if it was teething or another ear infection. so we took her to the clinic in portland, and sure enough, another ear infection. poor girl, no wonder she wasn't sleeping well. oh, and she puked all over my aunts living room. nice.

so long story short, there was not a lot of sleeping, and not a lot of reading. we would start to listen to books while the girls were sleeping. invariably emma would open one eye and before she could even take an awake breath she was saying "Boz (a big, green bear cartoon), Veggie Tales, horsey (Tangled)."

it was fun, but not very relaxing. fulfilling, full of good memories, but not exactly refreshing.

i found myself daily re-adjusting my expectations. re-writing what a holiday looks like. sometimes it was frustrating - i was tired - some days even more tired than i am at home.

it got me thinking that when i was dreaming about having kids, and i spent a lot of time doing that, i wasn't paying the price to have them. i just wanted them. sure, they would have a poopy diaper here and there and there would be a couple of sleepless nights, but we could handle it.

what i didn't realize was that IT NEVER ENDS! it is not a need here and there between good books.  it is a constant, beautiful, tugging at my shorts "up- a - mommy" kind of world. and the needs just go on and on. i am up more than the sun these days and that is saying a lot where i live.

this promise costs me two things 1) my selfishness and 2) my desire for comfort.

before we had these two little wonders our house was quiet. we would roll over on a Saturday morning at
9-ish, look at each other and say "what do you want to do today?"

we never say that anymore.
we never roll over leisurely and look at each other anymore.
instead, it is a bleary eyed - "which one is it? what time is it? what is going on? who is going? i'll go. no, i'll go. ok, you go" rats.

and it's milk and breakfast and we are off to the races.

it is a beautiful inconvenience. so utterly indescribable how we can be at the very end of ourselves at one moment, then a smile, a giggle a new word or action, and the big ol' "you are the best kid in the world" eraser comes and takes away all of the frustration (well, most of it, until the next time they do the exact thing they should not be doing and then they look at you with that "what you going to do about it face", yeah that frustration stays but the rest of it...you get the idea).

the truth is, i like me better as a parent. i am glad i am not dreaming about a promise anymore but i am living it. i like that i am not as selfish as i used to be, even though it takes a pound of my flesh every time i have to choose them over me. i like that i am learning and teaching patience at the same time. and i love that i get to be the presence that calms things down, makes the room erupt into giggles, and gets the biggest smiles from the cutest little faces i know (and trust me, these are some cute faces!)

this promise is expensive, and i wouldn't have it any other way. we will vacation again, one day. we will miss these days and wonder where they went. so here i am telling myself yet again, to live in this moment, enjoy these days. new days, new challenges will come.

in the meantime, here's to better living through caffeine and knowing where every park from here to oregon is.

this is the life!

complaining and grumbling

i feel the need to complain about complaining.

i hate it.

i hate it in me, and i hate hearing it. it is the language of ungratefulness. it comes right from the rule book of "me first".

when i complain, i know it is because someone didn't put me and my wants first. they didn't think about the way i would want things done, and it just irks me.

this attitude finds its way right to the heavens when i complain about the weather, or the mosquitos, or the way i am made.

i love my niece and nephew, they are darling children (don't be afraid sister, i am going somewhere with this). they are 5 and 8. they are here with us this week to attend our kids camp. like i said, they are kids, and kids don't really mask what they are thinking very well. for instance, i got my hair done on monday and they were here to see it - it is a little different than how i usually do it, the color is a bit more extreme than i usually have it. so abbie tells me "i like your new hair - it looks really weird".

it is candid...refreshing... i don't mind.

i make food for them, and it is different than their food. they liked most of it. and tried to like the rest of it, but there was no mystery when it wasn't their favorite. and in these moments, their parents and their family teach them not to complain and to be grateful. so they learn to swallow their thoughts and "take it like a man".

and we all learned this somehow. to keep it to ourselves, to say thank you even if we don't mean it. i don't disagree with that notion at all. but it is what happens next that has me wondering.

when complaining grows up it becomes grumbling. and grumbling is a whole other animal.

when complaining shouts, grumbling whispers. complaining usually happens face to face, out where everyone can hear it.  complaining is not a virtue to be sure,  it is loud and obnoxious but at least everyone knows that you are the one doing it and they can call it what it is.

grumbling is the shadow below the water, the slow and steady annihilation of a person, an organization or a belief.

grumbling is the beginning of the end to all greatness.

great people, great churches, great societies, on and on. grumbling erodes the confidence of the people and rots the vision from the inside out. the worst part is that the damage is done on the lower levels before any leader gets a whiff of it. by the time the leaders find out about it, the thoughts (whether they are true or not) have lodged themselves deeply into the thought patterns of the people.

it is the questioning of motives, actions and attitudes with our mouth cocked sideways and a low voice "i sure wouldn't do it that way" or "they don't know what they are doing".

that may even be true, but what a gutless way to deal with it. grumbling is what cowards do because they don't want to be a part of the solution.

i hate it when i see the Israelite heart rise up that says "why did you make that one a leader, why not him, or her or even me? Moses can barely tie his shoes, why should we listen to him? give us a try and see how we do!"

let me assure you that it does not go unnoticed. i have seen it in me, and i have been on the receiving
end i dislike both places equally.

it humbles me that God, so holy, would put up with this nonsense generation after generation. Jesus, help us. Lord, let us be builders and not destroyers. Let our mouths be used as tools of life and not death. Let our hearts be ready to mend and not tear down. and mostly Lord, protect your Moses' and those you have appointed. let us learn from them, watch over them and encourage them. forgive us for the times we have been a part of the poison instead of the antidote. make us sensitive to the words we speak and the things we cherish in our hearts. and let us rule, when our time comes, with wisdom and grace. amen

freewriting

when i was in college, i took a writing class. i learned about freewriting there. the idea is to write whatever comes into your head without lifting your pencil or stopping typing. it is a bit scary, but you can get some fun sentences going if you really let yourself go for it. no backspace, which i have used at least 15 times already, and no course corrections. you just let your brain go down a writing path and see what you come up with.

ready....go.

i am writing and watching nothing on tv. oops i have used backspace three times alreday. i dont think i a m goingt to be good at this game. it is like not matching, i doin't think i can leave mistakes, used it twice just then. i am not getting very far onto a thought...hmmmm...today we had jonah and abigail here, they are sellppeeing. emma sn and alina asrre sleeping too. that is nice.

ok, i can't do it anymore. this exercise was effective in teaching me that i am a sloppy typer.

we are trying to watch america's got talent. i am not so sure they do. sorry.

i got my hair done today, it is going to take time to get used to it, it is quite different for me.

and this week is kids camp. now a very gifted yo-yo artist is doing his thing - where else is he going to make it on national television?

so there you go. this is an online journal, and you just jumped in on my very deep 4th of july thoughts.

happy birthday america. you are still the land that i love.

twins

these are some excerpts from a speech I did for a high school graduation last weekend - thought it was worth mentioning. it is a little long, brace yourselves...

eccl 7:2 death is the destiny of every man and the living should take it to heart. 

I want to tell you the story of two sisters, twins actually. their names were susan and sandra. they grew up in Houston, Texas the third and fourth children in a family of five. 

They grew up with the parents who did their best, but unfortunately, the parenting philosophy of the day was to withhold affection. So, neither of the girls heard “I love you” or “I am proud of you” very often. Their childhood years passed with good memories of vacations and all of the things two young children should be doing. Their teenage years, however, took them on two very different paths. 

Let’s start with Susan - Susan, a quiet child with a trace of mischief,  missing the confidence required to walk away from temptation -found herself following her two older brothers into the whirlwind of the 60’s - hippies, drugs, questioning the establishment, free love and all of the rest that the atmosphere had to offer her.

She didn’t really remember much of her late teens and twenties, she spent those days in her own way,  making no real friends, affecting very few. she never married, never had children. she did get her degree in her late 40’s and went to apply for jobs, but by then it seemed that she had missed out on the opportunities that she was supposed to have in her younger years. 

She was a wanderer, her tender heart swallowed in years of bad decisions and living a life without purpose or direction. She never truly found the one thing she was put on this earth to accomplish, she never found Christ. In 2003, her life ended sadly, with a handful of family members to mourn her passing. 

Sandra, on the other hand, had a much different life. She realized early in life that she was happiest with a paintbrush in her hand. She loved drawing and painting and all things creative. Her art was her haven and it protected her from the storm that her siblings were swept into. 

She met and married and very handsome man, Matthew when they were just 18 and 21. On her wedding day, on their way down the aisle her dad kept saying “it is not too late, you can call this off, we can just turn around and go home” - but she knew, this was the one for her. They were young and optimistic, ready to change the world. 

Within no time they were expecting their first of two daughters, Jamie and then 10 months later (yes, you do the math) their second girl was born - a darling little talker named Keri. 

The days to come would be marked by ups and downs, prosperity and financial difficulty, but most importantly love and laughter. They found Christ and lived their lives for the purpose of loving others and giving themselves to see other people succeed. 

Sandy (as she was most commonly known), was at her best when she was sitting and listening and loving the person she was with. “Time,” she would say “is the most precious gift we can give others” 

Growing up, our house was filled with people. Innumerable dinners, house guests and people who lived with us. There was always room for more, there was always enough to go around. 

I am also glad to say that she made the right decision to stay with Matt, since they were happily married for almost all of their 37 years.

Sadly, Sandy, my mom, left us in the summer of 2005. Even in her last days, we would find her comforting people as they came to say goodbye to her. She was telling them that God was good and He was taking care of all of us. We would watch as person after person came to receive just one more of her famous hugs, or hear her beautiful laugh. 

She was not a public speaker, or the most outgoing person, but one attribute stood out above all the rest: she loved people, and they knew it.  

I feel so much compassion for my aunt, who died alone with no one to celebrate her life - and I am so proud of my mom who had hundreds of people at her funeral, and every one of them came to celebrate the joy and the beautiful life that she lived. 

And this is why, graduates, I want you to think about the end of your life. These were twins. Same family, same opportunities, such a different outcome. 

We are all a direct result of the choices we make. 

I will close with three short lessons I learned from my mom, and my dad - who is awesome too and still very much alive. 

1. Be generous - Generosity comes out of our love for God. You cannot out give Him. Don’t hoard your money, your time, your space. Give it away and see how He multiplies it.If you cling to your life, you will lose it, and if you let   your life go, you will save it. Matt. 10:39
2. Assemble your cloud of witnesses - Hebrews 12 tells us that we are surrounded by a cloud of witnesses - meaning the heroes of the Bible that have gone before us, and they are cheering us on now that it is our turn to run our race.
1. This tells me that each of us need those who will stand with us, challenge us, confront us when we need it, and remind us who we are. 
1. for example, a few years ago, I was starting to get really negative and critical. I am normally a pretty optimistic person, so when my mom spent a few days with me, she noticed this negative trend I was picking up. So, she told me “Keri, you have always been my daughter of Joy - no one can take that from you without your permission. Your joy is your gift, and you need to fight for it.” and i did, and i still do to this day. 
2. my question is: who is in your life that knows you at the core of who you are? who is in your life that will tell you when you are drifting from your calling and your gifting? who do you allow in your life to tell you the truth? These can be parents, leaders, mentors or good friends - but whomever they are -when you find them, hold on to them and never let them go. invite them to challenge you and keep your feet pointed in the right direction.
3. a little side note here - none of us likes confrontation but we need to seek it out, it is the only way we change.

3. Work - work hard.  don’t waste time feeling sorry for yourself, making excuses, or blaming other people. The only way to succeed is to look at your life, your field, your race and figure out how to make yourself stronger, and better. don’t ever quit. the only true failure in life is quitting, never do it. 

guilt

one of the things i don't like about myself is that i constantly fight a feeling of guilt. one of the good things about myself is that i like to squeeze the essence out of everyday. one of the bad things about that is when i don't squeeze the essence out of every day and then i feel guilty.

did i hold my girls enough? did i play with them enough? did i teach them? was the tv on too much? were we healthy today, were we outside enough? on and on, you get the picture.

it is probably worry, which is a sin. so that is not good, and i could feel guilty about that too. are you seeing a theme forming here? it is so circular, subtle even. it is a low level whisper that never gives up.

will my kids be obese? will i live for a long time so i can enjoy them? am i a good example? will they respect me?

where is the exit from this train?

my sister, whom i love, is so good at being confident and saying "who cares what people think, you know you are doing a good job" where do you sell that mindset - i am buying.

we heard a chilling story when we were in our classes for adoption. the lady telling the story - an adoptive mom- said she and her adopted daughter were in the grocery store and when she wasn't allowed to have a popsicle the little girl yelled out " you are not my real mom!". i was horrified! what happens if this child that i adore disowns me in front of all the other people in the store?? i told my sister and she laughed it off ..."all kids say stuff like that, Jonah (my nephew) just walked out of his room and said 'i hate you'  and i just said 'you don't mean that, go back to your room' ".

of course he doesn't hate her. he is her son. emma will not disown me, she is my daughter.

the same smart lady who told me that it is better to have the marriage of your dreams than to have the wedding of your dreams, also told me that when she became a mom, she got baptized in guilt. so, at least i am not alone.

now saying all of that in a public forum such as this, i want to clarify: i am not looking for you to say nice things about me and tell me how wonderful i am. i am just saying that we all have our stuff and this is mine. and i am working on it, as best i can. each day, i am looking for ways to silence that little voice in my brain that tells me that i am not enough.

deep breath keri.

the truth is, love never fails. i will fail. we will all fail, but love never fails.

Thank God

when dreams grow up

every woman dreams of her prince, her wedding day, her future children, her dreams coming true. you can't tell me we aren't made that way. disney is making billions on that assumption. most single girls go to weddings and think to themselves "oh, i like that, i want to do that." or "I would do it this way instead", most of the conversation in her head or with her friends for the rest of the day starts with the sentence "when i get married..."

i think the challenge with this wiring is that we spend so much time imagining the event, that the event can swallow the most important thing : that you get married - to a good man - the man of your dreams.

i was in the same boat when i got married. i never imagined that i would be planning my wedding from my mom's hospital room. i never imagined that i would wonder if we were planning a wedding and a funeral at the same time. i never pictured that i would be a grieving bride.

to fill in the blanks, if you don't know, one week after shawn and i were engaged - my mom was diagnosed with cancer. "two days, two weeks, two months to live" that is what the doctor told us. my world shattered. my hopes shattered. this was nothing like i planned. i couldn't have made that up if i tried.

my dream had to grow up.

i had to realize very quickly that the most important thing was not having the best flowers, the most beautiful dress, or the most impressive reception. the most important thing was the strong man who was standing beside me when my world fell apart. this man sat on the floor with his back toward me, holding my hand until i fell asleep on that first night of the diagnosis. this man was my rock and my best friend, the man of my dreams.

a wise woman told me in that season, "it is better to have the marriage of your dreams than having the wedding of your dreams".

and that is just what happened. i did have a beautiful wedding, but it was not what i planned.  it was much simpler. we didn't blow the budget on decorations, our friends and family were our decorations. my mom was there, she was radiant. and we believe that miracles happened that day.

i was talking to a beautiful bride last week. she is getting married in less than a month. and she is feeling all the "perfect wedding" stress. and i handed her all of this, my best advice - you are marrying an amazing man, and no one will remember what colour your napkins were.

everyones dreams grow up - they come true in their own way. in a richer, more beautiful way. they come true in a way that grows us and makes us more grateful for what is true. when the dream fits into truth, that is a dream come true.

simple little things

it never fails to amaze me how my little sighs, little whispered wishes, not even prayers, just seem to happen sometimes. the other day i was baking (not a habit, let me assure you, although i have been on a banana bread kick lately) and emma was interested in helping. i thought to myself, it would be so fun to find her a little apron so she can bake with mommy.

and i thought the other day (maybe even the same day) that emma is getting bored with her toys, it would be nice to have a few more new things for her so she can occupy herself with something other than plastic grocery bags (as she is doing while i write this - they are not over her head, just in case you were worried that i am not paying attention).

then, this weekend, my dad and gloria came up for a wedding and brought me some hand-me-down clothes for the girls along with a new little stroller, a shopping cart, and you guessed it...an apron just her size.

how does He do that?

and how can i miss it? i am sure i do, too often. but this time, i remembered and i was just so grateful. i love surprises and how fun that God loves to surprise.

then later in the week, i was feeling a little overwhelmed, and out of the blue one of my girls offered to come over on friday to watch the girls. this is what she said "you and shawn haven't been out on a date for awhile, how about i come over so you can go out?".

are you kidding me?? you were thinking about us? you noticed that we haven't been out for awhile? people amaze me.

thanks Lord.  really, thanks.

is the plural of derby derbies?

i think that the word derby is way underused. the kentucky derby is this weekend and it just made me think..."derby, i like that word....derby...we don't use that word anymore" i am trying to think of ways to incorporate derby into our lives again.

doesn't it just make you think of cool hats and lower crime rates? i wish i lived when derbys (derbies) were more common. but i think the world was less paved and there weren't enough outlets in the bathrooms.

ok, i will be happy with my era.

but still, i think maybe i will throw a derby. i will have to look up the real definition of a derby. be right back.

ok it is a game between rivals. or it is a little hamlet in england, or it is a cool hat worn by the old gangsters.

this might be challenging. why did they have fishing derbies? that sounds pretty innocent and fun.

i think i will throw a mommy derby. maybe we will to timed races to clean up puke, changing diapers and managing a tantrum all at once.

that doesnt actually sound fun. that sounds like every day life.

nevermind, no mommy derby.

anyway- one baby is crying and one baby is throwing grapes, so i will go and have my daily derby.

if only i had a hat.

disneyland

remember how i said that i procrastinate sometimes? well, right now i am typing this instead of packing. but i just had to say how happy, thrilled, excited i am that we are going to disneyland in two days.

i don't just love disneyland.

I LOVE DISNEYLAND!

we even went there on our honeymoon. i haven't been there since. so 7 years is long enough. now i am taking my daughter and she will see the happiest place on earth. and she will have no idea what is happening, but i don't care. i will know what is happening.

did i mention that i am going to disneyland?

mommy

i hear it every day now. first thing in the morning, if i don't get her, i hear her complaining to daddy - "mommy, mommy, mommy".

there were so many days when i didn't think i would ever hear that word in reference to me. such a sad thought for me. i would never be somebody's mommy.

those were dark, desperate days.

i remember one sunday afternoon, i had just started my cycle (again), much to my disappointment. so, i was trying to process that information. i was late that month, so my hopes were starting to rise - "maybe..." all morning, i sat in church, waiting for help, peace, reassurance... anything to make it better. i had made it through service with my smile on, trying to avoid anyone who actually knows me and knows when i am faking it. when we made it home, i fell apart.  i wept that day, shawn wept with me.

we realized we had been fighting in our own corners. each of us were afraid to weigh the other one down with our sorrow and grief. but we were alone together. each by ourselves, but fighting the same darkness.

there was a party that day for a one year old, and we were on our way. so there was no time for blotchy faces and pity parties. back on with the smile. "i will cry later" i thought.

we were picking up a friend because her husband wasn't able to make it. before we got in the car she gave me a big hug - "I AM PREGNANT!".

my God, i thought i would die.

not because i wasn't happy for her. i was so happy for her. but my heart was raw and i wasn't coping well already. but there we were, in my front yard and i needed to be a good friend and show her how happy i was for her.

looking back now, i am sure i could have told her that i was having one of the worst days of my life, and i was so very happy for her, but so desperately sad for me. i am sure she could have handled it, but i didn't do that. i sat in the front seat and stared at the floor trying to keep myself from having a total breakdown.

then we arrived at the party of 1,000 babies and pregnant bellies.

this was not my finest hour. i didn't say much. i kept to myself - which i am not usually very good at. but this was it. i had nothing left to pray. i had no more bargains, no more deals to make with God. either i reconciled that i would never have children, or i would have to continue on the ride of hope, not knowing whether it would ever turn out or not.

the other day, i was thinking about that scripture "he who hopes in me will never be disappointed" and i thought to myself "he who hopes in my will never be disappointed -forever". i was disappointed in the moment, i was disappointed many times. but not now. now, i am not disappointed.

i won't be disappointed forever, just sometimes, for the moment.

and in that moment, i decide who i will be. will i trust? will i let Him win? will i give in to bitterness and the decay that follows? will rot in my jealousy and rail against my creator?

we won't know until we get there. but i was mad and i did rant for a few minutes and He is a big guy, He can handle it. but, of course at the end of the day i am left with the disciples who said "where else will we go? you alone have the words of life"

i didn't run that part of the race perfectly, and honestly, i am not really looking forward to the playback i will undoubtedly get on judgement day, but i learned, and i am better for it.

and now, two babies later. i hear my most beautiful title everyday. "mommy". and even when it is in that special whiny tone that makes my back teeth  hurt, it is still the most beautiful name i have ever been called.

and today, i am not disappointed.

my gift

everyone of us should have someone in our lives that says "that is not like you". this of course implies that they know you well enough to remind you what you should be like, what the best version of yourself is.

my mom did that for me a few years ago. i am a naturally positive person, but i was surrounded by a lot of negativity, and i was forgetting optimism and getting sucked into the gloom and doom scenario's of life.

and that is when that little phrase "that is not who you are" popped in. and this is exactly what she said:

"you are, and have always been my daughter of joy. it is a gift and you need to steward it. right now you are squandering it, and forgetting who you are"

i am not saying that to say "look at me, i am so positive and happy", but i am saying that each of us were given gifts when we were brought into this world. and there is a thief that is constantly out to steal and destroy it. my gift is to bring the positive side to any scenario, and to look for solutions. by giving in to negativity i have allowed the world around me to snuff my gift and turn me into a grey automaton like the rest of those who have walked away from their gift.

until someone was ready to fight for me. and she did. and then i did. and we all must.

my husband, is another example. he is brilliant - but somewhere, deep inside, he started believing the lie that he was stupid. which is crazy to think if you have spent even a few minutes with him. when he saw the lie and he spoke the truth, it changed him and it is continuing to change him.

so now, i am spending my life with people trying to find their God-given gifts, and then speaking that truth with them so they can offer themselves to the world around them.

and my daughters...well, i know them. and i know what to say when their time comes. they are gifts, both of them, with different stories to tell.

and today, emma's gift seems to be to find every possible way to be within two square inches of me, and to find as many things that she shouldn't touch as she possibly can.

my gift.

and i'll sing once more

i loved singing when i was growing up. so much so, that i decided to become a real, certified singer when it was time to go to college. four years later i walked out of there with my degree in classical voice. and i lost my love for singing in the process.

it was sad. i didn't really want to practice anymore. i had practiced so much, it became a way of life, a profession, and a practice, but not a passion. i also had some pretty bad performance experiences - singing in the wrong language, losing my place and screwing up a whole orchestra, forgetting my words, etc... and then the constant pressure to be ready to sing at all times, i don't know, i lost my love for it somewhere along the way. i stopped humming around the house, i compared myself to other singers and realized that there were so many people more talented than i was. it wasn't just humbling, it changed me, it stopped me.

that is sad isn't it?

i kept singing, not really with my heart, but with my training for many years. but when shawn and i started dating, we went to a concert of Handel's Messiah. he was fascinated with everything. he still had the wonder of music, and when i watched the show through his eyes, i remembered why i loved music in the first place. i think that is when i started humming again.

who cares that i don't sound like a pop-star?  i have never really been great at gospel music, but i can rock a disney tune or a musical number if i should decide to.

we are experiencing a renaissance of musical theatre (thank you high school musical and glee), so i am in fashion again. and i actually love it again.

i am dreaming about music, and i think the Lord may just use some of these dreams to bring our community into our church building. He just might.

when i teach students, i tell them to go home and hum to themselves until they like the sound of their own voice in their heads.  i think i should take my own advice and see if i can recover my long lost love of all things musical.

a spontaneous kind of a day

we needed to go into vancouver today to pick up my new permanent resident card, which is really cool by the way it looks like a little piece of art. grandma and grandpa had the girls so we were just a happily married couple on a nice day in vancouver. we had planned on going to dinner after that anyway so we got in the car and shawn said "want to go have dinner in Whistler?" ummm....yeah. so, on goes our audio book - our favorite thing is to drive and listen to audiobooks (does that make us nerds?), and we are off on the sea to sky highway.

i have had a hard couple of days in my brain. some setbacks, some confusion and some things that really frustrated me were pounding on my brain, keeping me awake at night and running my brain like a little gerbil on a wheel. but then we started driving up that mountain. the same mountain we drove up right at the beginning of our relationship with christmas music playing and snow and water and mountains...oh...just amazing. i couldn't stay frustrated, i fired the gerbil and i let it go. kay - sa - rah - sa- rah.  in a two hour drive my mind unwound like i had been on a two day vacation from life.

it makes be believe in the sovereignty of God. He knew i would have a hard week. He knew i couldn't process while running after the kids and keeping our house somewhat liveable. He gave me today, and i am so thankful.

who cares about all that stuff? it is minor compared to the fact that I have an awesome husband, two beautiful children and a God who loves me enough to sweep me away to Whistler at just the moment that I needed it.

I am loved, I am seen, I feel heard and now I am going to bed. Thanks God.

adoption part 1

it was interesting when i got pregnant to hear the amount of people who thought that my whole experience would change once i had "my own" child. it was different in some ways of course. alina spent most of her in-utero time up in my ribs which was about as comfortable as it sounds.emma never did that - i never had any pain :). with alina, we definitely spend more time trying to figure out who she looks like and which of us she gets what from. but the mom experience is no different. there is a deep, fierce love for both of them.

a few years ago i befriended a girl who had adopted a couple of kids. i kept stumbling on to phrases that offended her - i would ask "where is her mom?" ahem..."her birthmom", or other questions like that. she always seemed so defensive and i thought "well, i don't know this stuff, how do i know to call her the birthmom?". i don't know if being defensive about it is the way to handle it, but i can see now why she was. when someone refers to Lucille as her mom, or her real mom, i have to find a way to explain. Lucille is her birthmom, she carried this little miracle, and with all the bravery in her heart, she handed that little wonder to me. when that happened, i became her mom. her real mom. i will be the real-est mom emma will ever have.

it is not so bad right now. emma can't understand what people are saying. but i don't look forward to the day when she looks up at me and asks what they mean.

we will do our best to inform her of her story, so she is equipped to handle that information, but how much can her little brain absorb, filter and spit out?

i pray everyday that she will carry her story with grace and that she will understand what a special little girl she is.

there are days ahead that i know will be filled with confusion, maybe even disappointment or curiosity for her and i pray that we will have the grace to lead her with wisdom and gentleness.

we are not the first ones to do this, we know. but we have some interesting dynamics. lucille and her family are all right here. we really love this, and we are so glad. it is really good for emma to have them here. but we will have to figure all of that out when emma starts to figure it all out too.

for now, we will give our lives to making sure she knows she is forever our first-born miracle. such a special gift. and she is ours as much as alina's, even if she doesn't have our DNA.