guilt

one of the things i don't like about myself is that i constantly fight a feeling of guilt. one of the good things about myself is that i like to squeeze the essence out of everyday. one of the bad things about that is when i don't squeeze the essence out of every day and then i feel guilty.

did i hold my girls enough? did i play with them enough? did i teach them? was the tv on too much? were we healthy today, were we outside enough? on and on, you get the picture.

it is probably worry, which is a sin. so that is not good, and i could feel guilty about that too. are you seeing a theme forming here? it is so circular, subtle even. it is a low level whisper that never gives up.

will my kids be obese? will i live for a long time so i can enjoy them? am i a good example? will they respect me?

where is the exit from this train?

my sister, whom i love, is so good at being confident and saying "who cares what people think, you know you are doing a good job" where do you sell that mindset - i am buying.

we heard a chilling story when we were in our classes for adoption. the lady telling the story - an adoptive mom- said she and her adopted daughter were in the grocery store and when she wasn't allowed to have a popsicle the little girl yelled out " you are not my real mom!". i was horrified! what happens if this child that i adore disowns me in front of all the other people in the store?? i told my sister and she laughed it off ..."all kids say stuff like that, Jonah (my nephew) just walked out of his room and said 'i hate you'  and i just said 'you don't mean that, go back to your room' ".

of course he doesn't hate her. he is her son. emma will not disown me, she is my daughter.

the same smart lady who told me that it is better to have the marriage of your dreams than to have the wedding of your dreams, also told me that when she became a mom, she got baptized in guilt. so, at least i am not alone.

now saying all of that in a public forum such as this, i want to clarify: i am not looking for you to say nice things about me and tell me how wonderful i am. i am just saying that we all have our stuff and this is mine. and i am working on it, as best i can. each day, i am looking for ways to silence that little voice in my brain that tells me that i am not enough.

deep breath keri.

the truth is, love never fails. i will fail. we will all fail, but love never fails.

Thank God