the gall

i am home. this is such a nice place to be considering the past four days.

it started innocently enough. shawn was going to maple valley (just outside of seattle) for a few days so i was going to go and visit my family in mill creek on monday (also just outside of seattle, just different directions). i have to say that looking back, i might have noticed something was wrong. i was in quite a bit of pain on sunday, but honestly we change so much during pregnancy i just thought it was another preggo thing so i laid down and my pain went away. thankfully, i have wonderful people in my life that were able to come over and help me with my kiddos.

monday morning, still a little bit of pain but nothing like it was before so i packed and managed to get myself and my two girls to my sister's house in Mill Creek. when i got there i told my dad "i just need to stretch out a bit and lay down". the pain had kicked in for real now.

to make a long story short, i spent the next 4 hours writhing on the floor in pure agony - trying to find some way that i could sit, lay or stand that would make the pain go away.

thankfully, shawn was coming up for dinner that night so i finally called him back to the room that i had been in. and we decided that we needed to go to the hospital.

and that began the longest part of the journey. that 22 minute ride to the hospital felt like an hour (at least).   the pain was localized now right at the top of my abdomen, like knives jumping in and out of my tummy. this is not a good feeling when you are pregnant with twins. there was so much uncertainty.

so, they checked the babies first while i continued to deal with the pain i was in - the good news was, the babies were fine and no chance of pre-term labor. the nurse there asked me "on a scale of 1-10 what is your pain level? 1 being a stubbed toe and 10 being 'rip my arms out without anesthetic' ". my answer "9".

then...sweet relief...they gave me drugs. thank you Jesus for drugs (am I allowed to say that?)

we were transported back to ER and they started trying to figure out what was happening with me. so we got into a room and sat, and sat and sat.  my dad came with shawn and i,  and it was actually kind of nice to visit with him while we were waiting for news. i was on drugs so i felt great by then.

by 4 AM we had been pulled into an ultrasound, and i had blood drawn. all to find our long awaited diagnosis...pancreatitis due to gallstones. i had a gall stone stuck in the artery between the pancreas and the gall bladder.

and my numbers were off the charts, literally. the high for the whatever thing they were looking for is usually around 500. mine came in at 46,000. the doctors couldn't believe that i was still functioning. one doctor actually compared what i had been through to a car accident - in other words, very serious.

so, now i have gallstones, isn't that weird?

gallstones are primarily hereditary i was told. had anyone in my family had gallstones? and here is where it was really handy that my dad was there. he said "don't you remember grandpa's ashtray?" ummm, no. apparently my grandfather was so proud of his gallstones that he had them made into an ashtray. thats interesting family news at 3 AM. maybe i will look into that when all is said and done. you never know when you may need a gall stone ashtray.

by 5 AM, they had admitted me, drugged me and tucked me into bed.

at 6 AM the doctor came in to talk to me about the diagnosis and what to do next. it seems that the big culprit on sunday was peanut butter. he said that was like drinking battery acid with what i was facing. that was about how it felt, so it made sense when he said that.

so, there i was, in the hospital - it was so surreal. i missed my girls, and i had tubes and wires stuck all over me. BUT let me just say..the hospital staff was amazing. all day, everyday, they would file through with so much sensitivity and kindness it was overwhelming. they equipped me and cared for me, and made me feel like i was more than a number, but a person that mattered. i loved those people!

the pain is gone now, and i have to eat very little fat - i guess the gall bladder deals with fat and spits it out, but in this case it would also spit out stones. so i will be creative with my cooking until the babies come, then it sounds like i will have my gall bladder out.

it is a marvel to me that we can live without one of the organs we were born with, but they assure me that it can be done. and who knows, i may just make an ashtray out of those stones!

so, that is why i am so glad to be home. my own bed, my own shower, my kiddos and husband nearby. but i will forever be grateful for the team of doctors and nurses that helped me through those 4 days that could have been a whole lot of no -fun.

the best news is that all of our bills will be covered under our travel insurance -whew!

so, that was my week...hope yours wasn't so eventful!

the refresh button

it's a principle we started employing a few years ago in our leadership program, we call it "hitting the refresh button". when we say it, we mean, close your eyes and meet someone again for the first time. forget the hang-ups they had a few months or years ago, look at them again and see if your opinion is still correct without the filter you have been using to look at them.

this is such a valuable concept. it is impossible to re-invent yourself in a room full of people to whom you are a foregone conclusion.

and we all need to re-invent ourselves sometimes. life takes it's pound of flesh, we learn, we grow, and we soften if we are paying attention and staying humble.

i need to look at my friends differently. i need to look at my husband differently. and today, i needed to look at myself differently.

i was thinking today about my strengths and weaknesses (i know some of you think i am weird for doing this kind of thing, but go with me...) and i realized that being organized and a good manager of time used to be a weakness for me - then they moved into the "i am working on that" category - and i can honestly say that now they have moved into the strength category. i am still not great at establishing systems or setting out a great structure - but i am good at making sure that our household runs with some semblance of order and cleanliness and once a system is in place, i can follow it and maintain a pretty consistent environment.

to be clear, i am not bragging. trust me, no one is more shocked about this progress than i am. if only you knew the disorganized mess i used to be. but i need to hit the refresh button and stop scrambling to feel like i was climbing out of the chaos of an undisciplined life. i am not living that life anymore.

this is why words in the heat of the moment like "always" and "never" are so detrimental. it is a death sentence to a person's progress from weakness to strength.

if i say "you are always leaving the house a mess" to my husband, it totally negates the sincere efforts he has put in to help me keep things clean around here. of course, he may not meet my expectations, but if he is trying, then my job is to assume he is actively moving from the column of "weakness" into "working on it". and i need to hit the refresh button.

the Bible is so clear on this in 1 Cor. 13 when we are told that love keeps no record of wrongs.

i find this to be one of the hardest things the Bible asks me to do. I actually hate admitting that because i want to be such a believer in all people. but all of our brains are big storage containers -and we are imprinted with the memories of things people have done as we walk through our lives.

we need to frequently purge our brains and give others a fresh start - and if you are at all like me, you need to give yourself a new start too.

i was talking to a friend about regret tonight. she was talking about some of the decisions that she made in the past and how she wishes so badly she would have done things differently. i am sure we all have scenarios like this. but the truth is, we do the best we can with the information and knowledge we have at the time. would we do things differently now? sure. but that is only because we did it the wrong way the first time.

so, we learn, and we move on and we forgive ourselves and others.

it is a constant prayer of mine: "Lord, let me see people the way you see them. forgive me for the grudges i hold, or the beliefs that i cling to out of hurt, disappointment, or fear. help me to let go of the past and start new in all of my relationships and with my view of myself. "

He gives me a new chance everyday. it is the least i can do to try and do the same for the people around me.