waking

things are different now. i used to wake up to an alarm, or a noise outside. now it is the sound of emma lifting and dropping her feet. then she will squak a few times in the hopes that one of us will come and get her. today i found her on the other side of the bed where i left her last night. she moves a lot now.

so it is 6:11, the coffee is on and i am awake as can be watching my baby play on the floor. she thinks sneezing is funny, so she giggles when she is done and looks at me like "i am so cute". yes, you are.

of course it has not always been this way.

there were so many times i wondered if this day would ever come. first it is impossible, then it is difficult, then it is done. that sentence rolls out of my fingers. the impossible season seems so long. the obstacles so high. the solutions so few. but then, movement. a little light, a little hope and next thing you know you are awake at 5:00 with the impossible. and she smiles at me and needs me and looks to me for comfort. finally, i am mom.

it is all in the timing, in the trust. i trade my fear and my anxiety for a prayer, a desperate cry for something i cannot produce and then wait. the difficult comes and the waiting. waiting. waiting.

but then it is done and the impossible is crying and ready for breakfast. so here i go.

women who lead

it is december 29th, 2009. i have heard a little buzz about what we will be calling the 20-teens. no one really knows. 2010 is pretty easy, but the next decade and beyond are all uncharted territory and we get to be alive to see how it all works out. they are waiting to see what sticks. 20-13, 2 thousand and 13, who knows. i don't really see everyone saying the whole thing. we are pretty lazy linguistically.

i don't capitalize. i am sorry if that is offensive to any of the two people who could perhaps read this. you just need to know that in this blog, i don't capitalize. except God, because He deserves it.

we had our staff day today. spent some good time talking about leadership etc...

another thing we talked about was women in leadership. it is challenging sometimes to be a woman and be a leader. Debbie (oh look, debbie got capitalized by default - go Debbie) said that her goal is to pave a way for our daughters to have a platform that we may not have right now. most of the challenge with women in leadership is our emotions. emotions, of course, are important, but they are unpredictable and often unreliable.

another strange difference between men and women is that women are at their best when they are at peace with themselves and the world, and men seem to be best when they are at war. not a war fought out of anger, but out of seeing a cause and fighting for it. our strongest act of warfare as women is to be at rest, and live in the trust that Father is looking out for us. we don't have to strive, beg, borrow, or steal. He is with us, watching, protecting, providing. He sees around corners. He knows what is coming next. our warfare is laying down our worry, anxiety and striving. we sing over our fears, we laugh at the days to come. of course we will live for a cause and i definitely believe that women should understand warfare - but it is different. we war with our heart, the stakes are high, and every loss and victory is collected in our heart.

the mistake that many women make is that they are trying to be men in their leadership. this never translates well. what looks like courage and initiative in a man, looks harsh and controlling in a woman.

this issue is close to my heart since i am a strong personality and i don't like being the "weaker sex". i am no shrinking violet. i know that God has given me a voice, i know that women have a vital role to play. i want to know how to use my voice, my woman's voice in a way that pleases Him as my creator. I am not a man, i don't want to act like one. but i do want to be strong, and i want to fulfill the purpose He intended for my life woman or not.

so, rest in peace keri harvey. like a weaned child is my soul within me. i do not concern myself with matters too difficult for me. (ps. 139) you provide, you create doors and windows when all i can see are brick walls. you see around corners and you know the end from the beginning. i will wage war in quietness and trust.

New Beginnings

It is Christmas Eve, 2009. I am starting the journey of writing my thoughts here in this internet world. It is different than writing in my journal that no one reads - except the one time that I caught Shawn reading it right after we were married, that was a fun discussion! My goal is to put some thoughts that have been rambling around inside of me down in some order. I am writing as though someone may read this, but in fact there may be no readers but me and God. That, I am fine with. If you are not me or God but you are in fact reading this, you may find me rambling and I would encourage skipping to key words that look interesting to you.

It is in my heart to write a book about being single. So much of this blog will capture my random thoughts about that topic. I will no doubt jump onto other soapbox issues as they pop up, but that is the main purpose of me sitting at my dining room table and sneaking a few quiet moments until my daughter wakes up.

This being my first post, and Christmas Eve, I will keep it brief and post so I can learn what it feels like to be a blogger.

Merry Christmas all.