and i'll sing once more

i loved singing when i was growing up. so much so, that i decided to become a real, certified singer when it was time to go to college. four years later i walked out of there with my degree in classical voice. and i lost my love for singing in the process.

it was sad. i didn't really want to practice anymore. i had practiced so much, it became a way of life, a profession, and a practice, but not a passion. i also had some pretty bad performance experiences - singing in the wrong language, losing my place and screwing up a whole orchestra, forgetting my words, etc... and then the constant pressure to be ready to sing at all times, i don't know, i lost my love for it somewhere along the way. i stopped humming around the house, i compared myself to other singers and realized that there were so many people more talented than i was. it wasn't just humbling, it changed me, it stopped me.

that is sad isn't it?

i kept singing, not really with my heart, but with my training for many years. but when shawn and i started dating, we went to a concert of Handel's Messiah. he was fascinated with everything. he still had the wonder of music, and when i watched the show through his eyes, i remembered why i loved music in the first place. i think that is when i started humming again.

who cares that i don't sound like a pop-star?  i have never really been great at gospel music, but i can rock a disney tune or a musical number if i should decide to.

we are experiencing a renaissance of musical theatre (thank you high school musical and glee), so i am in fashion again. and i actually love it again.

i am dreaming about music, and i think the Lord may just use some of these dreams to bring our community into our church building. He just might.

when i teach students, i tell them to go home and hum to themselves until they like the sound of their own voice in their heads.  i think i should take my own advice and see if i can recover my long lost love of all things musical.

a spontaneous kind of a day

we needed to go into vancouver today to pick up my new permanent resident card, which is really cool by the way it looks like a little piece of art. grandma and grandpa had the girls so we were just a happily married couple on a nice day in vancouver. we had planned on going to dinner after that anyway so we got in the car and shawn said "want to go have dinner in Whistler?" ummm....yeah. so, on goes our audio book - our favorite thing is to drive and listen to audiobooks (does that make us nerds?), and we are off on the sea to sky highway.

i have had a hard couple of days in my brain. some setbacks, some confusion and some things that really frustrated me were pounding on my brain, keeping me awake at night and running my brain like a little gerbil on a wheel. but then we started driving up that mountain. the same mountain we drove up right at the beginning of our relationship with christmas music playing and snow and water and mountains...oh...just amazing. i couldn't stay frustrated, i fired the gerbil and i let it go. kay - sa - rah - sa- rah.  in a two hour drive my mind unwound like i had been on a two day vacation from life.

it makes be believe in the sovereignty of God. He knew i would have a hard week. He knew i couldn't process while running after the kids and keeping our house somewhat liveable. He gave me today, and i am so thankful.

who cares about all that stuff? it is minor compared to the fact that I have an awesome husband, two beautiful children and a God who loves me enough to sweep me away to Whistler at just the moment that I needed it.

I am loved, I am seen, I feel heard and now I am going to bed. Thanks God.

adoption part 1

it was interesting when i got pregnant to hear the amount of people who thought that my whole experience would change once i had "my own" child. it was different in some ways of course. alina spent most of her in-utero time up in my ribs which was about as comfortable as it sounds.emma never did that - i never had any pain :). with alina, we definitely spend more time trying to figure out who she looks like and which of us she gets what from. but the mom experience is no different. there is a deep, fierce love for both of them.

a few years ago i befriended a girl who had adopted a couple of kids. i kept stumbling on to phrases that offended her - i would ask "where is her mom?" ahem..."her birthmom", or other questions like that. she always seemed so defensive and i thought "well, i don't know this stuff, how do i know to call her the birthmom?". i don't know if being defensive about it is the way to handle it, but i can see now why she was. when someone refers to Lucille as her mom, or her real mom, i have to find a way to explain. Lucille is her birthmom, she carried this little miracle, and with all the bravery in her heart, she handed that little wonder to me. when that happened, i became her mom. her real mom. i will be the real-est mom emma will ever have.

it is not so bad right now. emma can't understand what people are saying. but i don't look forward to the day when she looks up at me and asks what they mean.

we will do our best to inform her of her story, so she is equipped to handle that information, but how much can her little brain absorb, filter and spit out?

i pray everyday that she will carry her story with grace and that she will understand what a special little girl she is.

there are days ahead that i know will be filled with confusion, maybe even disappointment or curiosity for her and i pray that we will have the grace to lead her with wisdom and gentleness.

we are not the first ones to do this, we know. but we have some interesting dynamics. lucille and her family are all right here. we really love this, and we are so glad. it is really good for emma to have them here. but we will have to figure all of that out when emma starts to figure it all out too.

for now, we will give our lives to making sure she knows she is forever our first-born miracle. such a special gift. and she is ours as much as alina's, even if she doesn't have our DNA.

coffee with a friend.

who needs therapy when i can sit down with an understanding soul for the price of a cup of joe? i feel like i exercised (which i didn't) and my soul is taking a satisfied sigh knowing that i am not going crazy, failing, or in any other way losing my fight to be an upstanding citizen.

don't you just need to feel understood? or heard?

i don't realize how much i miss it until it happens and then when it does, i eat it up like i have been starving for years and years.

there are many things in life i am thankful for. and i should be. but one of the best surprises and certainly one of the richest parts of my life are the friendships that i hold.

i love perspective and thought provoking questions. and i want to be more like that as i age. statements like "i was thinking about you the other day". really? in the midst of all you do, you thought of me. that one goes straight to the top of my worth pile and makes me feel like a celebrity. that too, is an aspiration i have. let me help other people feel like rock stars instead of failures - let me be the feather in Dumbo's nose instead of the wicked step-mother. rid me of criticism and superiority. fill me with counsel and kindness.

i wish i could go back to my mid twenties with what i know now - and extend my years with all these lessons in my back pocket. i would take back so many things that i said and did. i know i hurt people in my haste to "help" them.

lately, i am like scrooge on christmas morning - a kinder soul, knowing that each day is a gift. i attribute that mostly to my children. they slow me down, make me patient and cause me to understand the lasting effects of my words. thankfully i am having them in the years after i have learned more gentleness - maybe i will escape the dr. phil show with all the need for venting parent wounds. i am sure they will have their own horror stories to tell, but i bet they won't be as bad as they could have been.

three cheers for starbucks and a good friend.

forgetting

i was reading the bible yesterday - i think in exodus - and one line stood out to me. it talked about how God did all of these great things for the Israelites and instead of being forever grateful, they forgot God and complained. 

there are times when i am reading and the words jump right off the page and a pointy finger digs right into my heart to say "you do that too". and it is true. i do, i have, i am. 

it is not that i am not grateful. i am so grateful, everyday. 

but i don't know if i say thank you directly to the Lord. i think i just say vaguely "i am so thankful".

the truth is, i think my heart got weary in the waiting. and i think i may have lost some of my heart along the way. sometimes i feel like i spent all of my emotions praying and waiting, and then everything happened so quickly that my head is still spinning with the fulfillment. 

we waited and waited, prayed and prayed, cried and cried. it became our way of life. we lived there more than we have lived here, and i don't really know if i am used to it yet. 

when emma came 19 months ago, our world was turned upside down. the sleepless nights, rolling over, teething, cooing, scooting, to walking and talking and before we knew it, i was pregnant. then the other kinds of sleepless nights going to the bathroom, can't get comfortable kinds of sleep. and here we are...two babies. our two beautiful, happy, bubbly little girls. i still just can't believe it. 

i am ready, and wanting to move out of the survival mode that i have been in. i am trying to get the tired parts of my heart to catch up with the ecstatic parts of my heart. 

hebrews tells us that faith is the substance of things hoped for the evidence of things not seen. i was used to not seeing, i was used to hoping. it took so long. so now what do i do now that i have substance. 

i say thank you. not just to the air, but to the author and the perfecter of my faith.