adoption part 1

it was interesting when i got pregnant to hear the amount of people who thought that my whole experience would change once i had "my own" child. it was different in some ways of course. alina spent most of her in-utero time up in my ribs which was about as comfortable as it sounds.emma never did that - i never had any pain :). with alina, we definitely spend more time trying to figure out who she looks like and which of us she gets what from. but the mom experience is no different. there is a deep, fierce love for both of them.

a few years ago i befriended a girl who had adopted a couple of kids. i kept stumbling on to phrases that offended her - i would ask "where is her mom?" ahem..."her birthmom", or other questions like that. she always seemed so defensive and i thought "well, i don't know this stuff, how do i know to call her the birthmom?". i don't know if being defensive about it is the way to handle it, but i can see now why she was. when someone refers to Lucille as her mom, or her real mom, i have to find a way to explain. Lucille is her birthmom, she carried this little miracle, and with all the bravery in her heart, she handed that little wonder to me. when that happened, i became her mom. her real mom. i will be the real-est mom emma will ever have.

it is not so bad right now. emma can't understand what people are saying. but i don't look forward to the day when she looks up at me and asks what they mean.

we will do our best to inform her of her story, so she is equipped to handle that information, but how much can her little brain absorb, filter and spit out?

i pray everyday that she will carry her story with grace and that she will understand what a special little girl she is.

there are days ahead that i know will be filled with confusion, maybe even disappointment or curiosity for her and i pray that we will have the grace to lead her with wisdom and gentleness.

we are not the first ones to do this, we know. but we have some interesting dynamics. lucille and her family are all right here. we really love this, and we are so glad. it is really good for emma to have them here. but we will have to figure all of that out when emma starts to figure it all out too.

for now, we will give our lives to making sure she knows she is forever our first-born miracle. such a special gift. and she is ours as much as alina's, even if she doesn't have our DNA.