advice

i caught myself the other day.  i was visiting with a new mom and her two week old baby - and i couldn't help myself...i started giving advice like i had been a parent for 20 years. what is worse, i had promised her before the baby came that i wouldn't do that.

that might seem like a strange promise, but i remember being a new mom and being so overwhelmed by all of the input i was getting. so, i decided that the gift i would give new moms would be to hold back on giving them advice unless they asked for it.

but, there i was, asking how the baby was sleeping, how she was coping, and all of the normal questions that you ask a new mom. and to each reply i would give my opinion and, yup, unsolicited advice.

rats.

i was watching her as she was processing what i was saying, in her hyper - hormonal - and somewhat overwhelmed state. and she was trying to be polite, but holding her own in saying "i am going to do it this way". and by golly, that is her right to do so.

i was thinking about it later, and asking myself why i would do this thing that i promised myself i wouldn't - and here is what i came up with:

I have fought hard for those lessons and i want to spare other moms from mistakes, or share the things that seemed to work for me. it is like i have survived a battle and i want to have an audience with those who would value the hard learned lessons of war.

but, here is the deal: she has to fight her own battles, try her own methods and figure out what is going to work for her and her new little baby. and i need to encourage her and tell her that she has what it takes - sometimes i think unsolicited advice can send the message that we don't have what it takes and if we would only do it this way then the baby would sleep better, be potty trained by one, or stop having crying fits.

while some of the advice may be true and appropriate, it is the setting that makes it valuable. a phone call in a desperate time, a question over coffee, or a simple passing in the church nursery that drops the right words into the right moment.

i have had both unsolicited, although well intended, advice and the sought after advice. one almost always  got under my skin and made me question my ability to parent and the other picked me up and helped me feel like i could run again with new courage.

i want to enable and encourage - so i am ready to start again in my discussions with new moms - i will wait for those key words "what do you think?" and then, look out - i will have so much to say!

in the meantime i want the message that comes out of my life,  "momma - you are all over this and you can do it!"

let's just hope i can stick to it. sheesh.

adopted

there is a picture that has been floating around face book, and i just can't seem to shake my need to voice an opinion about it. so, here is the picture:

I am not trying to steal anyone's fun. But i guess i just find this a sad view of adoption. i am not adopted, and since i am not adopted, at one point this may have been funny to me as well... i know that no one would mean any harm by this picture, but i can't seem to let it go. let me tell you why:


i guess i just zoom forward and think - what would emma think if she saw this? what if she was struggling with her identity on the day that she did see it? - would she wonder what was so wrong with being adopted that the baby would be crying like that? i can't stop my mommy heart from protecting her heart. 

every night we pray against rejection, and fear of abandonment. We pray that she would know how much we love her, that we wanted her and that she is so valuable to us. and, we pray that she will carry her story with grace. 
i guess i just cringe when i see this, because i think - is this her future? are these the thoughts and the stigma's that are coming her way? 

yes, i guess they are. 


and you may feel that i am being super sensitive, and there is a good chance i am. but put yourself in my shoes, in Emma's shoes, and see if you respond any differently. 


this is what adoption actually looks like:







an incredibly brave young woman doing the most mothering thing possible - giving her baby the best chance for a strong and stable life.








and here is a little more food for thought: 


We are all adopted. 


If we are in the family of Christ, we have been adopted into it.


So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, “Abba, Father.” Romans 8:15


God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure. Eph 1:5


This is such good news, it is hard to even know where to start. No matter how healthy or admirable our families were when we were growing up, they were all flawed, because humans are flawed. We all screw each other up. BUT - we are ingrafted, invited, welcomed, and adopted into a perfect family that has the promise of all the things that will cause our hearts to rest. 


that means that no matter what we had in our formative years - a father, no father, a mother, no mother, abuse or no abuse, we all get a fresh start with a perfect Father who has perfect intentions toward us. 


and - he is changing my nature into His as i get to know Him more. my temper is exchanged for His kindness and patience. my anxiety is replaced with the trust that He has the best in store for me. the list goes on and on. 


so, each of us has a level playing field. we may have a little more work than someone else to change our reflexes, but we all get a chance to sit at the table of a King. It is His grace and mercy that invite us there, and it is our privilege to spend all of our days with Him, enjoying Him, becoming more like Him.


So, three cheers for adoption. 


It is beautiful, and i am proud to be part of those who have the privilege of receiving a child through adoption. 


i just thought it would be worth putting a different spin on something that we, who come from the same DNA as our parents and our siblings, could have just chuckled and moved on with our day. hopefully you don't mind my little need to bring a different opinion. 

not quite what i expected for valentines day

i have not been sick with the flu since i don't know when...maybe when i was a teenager? but boy howdy! i got hit on sunday with some kind of horrific bug that rendered me completely powerless.

i was out for coffee with a friend, and here was the first mistake of the day...i ate chill for lunch. if i had only known that i was going to be sick i would have definitely avoided that little choice! my poor friend, there we were sitting and visiting and then i kind of knew...something is not right. so i warned her, if i pop up and leave, this is why. and sure enough in a few minutes i was more intimate with that coffee shop's bathroom than i wanted to be.

i HATE being sick. ewww it is just so gross and humiliating.

so, now two days later, six pounds lighter and a few hours of fluids in my tummy, i am getting better. i was a little worried about the two sprouts growing in me so i went to the maternity ward today to make sure all was well and the little ones survived the ordeal of the past few days.  of course, they are fine. the nurses assured me that they take what they need and leave the rest for me. now if that isn't a metaphor for parenting i don't know what is.

my poor husband. he kept looking at me like "i am not sure what to do here". he has been sick once or twice, but i have never been that sick in our eight years of marriage. so, halfway through the day yesterday he just said "don't die ok?". ok, i won't die.

here is the good thing though - when you get sick like that, you kind of have to focus on what is most important, like taking care of yourself and your family. my head had been spinning on quite a few levels for a week or so. i needed to get some clarity on some fuzzy issues, and you know, when just getting  up and walking around is an accomplishment, it makes things come into focus in a hurry.

so, between the very good coffee date with my friend - she brought some great perspective - and focusing on just getting well, sometime in the middle of that, my brain settled down and i have new clarity on the issues that were running like little hamsters in my head. (i am thinking now that i wish i didn't need to get the flu to sort all of this out, but it is what it is)

and for valentines day, i have a day to rest in my house since the girls are at grandma's and shawn is at work. and as for romance, a husband that looks at me when i have no make up on, i am a slight shade of green and says "i love you" - is quite enough for me.

so, happy valentines day all. and just a side note, i still think that valentines is a big scheme to make single people feel like they are missing out. so, if you are single be encouraged - there is much more to romance than a nice dinner out with roses - that is the least of the things you can look forward to once you find someone to love you til death do you part. hang out with your friends and enjoy the memories you have now...they are priceless too.

how is that for a very eclectic blog? here's to health and true romance!