Redeemer

It feels a little embarrassing to admit that I sang "My Redeemer Lives" in all sorts of versions for years without even knowing what I was singing.

Redemption is one of those Christian words that can be a little hard to understand. To sing "My Redeemer lives" never quite makes sense, until He is your redeemer, redeeming you.  It seems like redemption is something that comes in layers, over time, like a beautiful romance in a deep and lasting relationship.

Let me explain what I mean...

I fell in love at Christmas once. It all seemed too perfect, great memories, marriage in the air, sweet promises being spoken. By February, all the momentum came to a heartbreaking halt. Past mistakes, secrets too deep for words, two broken hearts left to mend in their own ways, away from each other.  Christmas was just not the same for a few years. My heart just couldn't rally to enjoy it.

But then Shawn. Our story is long and fun to tell, but I will save it for another day. The important fact for this moment is that Shawn arrived (when else?) at Christmas. My Redeemer rushed in at the point of hurt and loss and turned a hard season into a beautiful season. Only He can do this.

My mom, Sandra Elaine Buchanan, passed away at the end of June, 9 years ago now. One year later, almost to the day, God gave us a new little life, Abigail Elaine, my sisters daughter. She is joy, she is clever, and she carries so much of the same heart that my mom had. Only a divine Redeemer can do something like that. So perfect, so intricate, so timely.

This is an excerpt from a blog entry in May of 2011:

"5 years ago tomorrow - 2 days before Mothers Day - 2 years into our infertility issues - our first adoption fell through. We were devastated. We hoped and prayed for this baby (a beautiful little boy), and for reasons that were beyond what we could see at the time, it just was not meant to be. We left that hospital so aware of our barrenness, so broken and desperate.

Tomorrow, May 11th, 5 years later we are having two little boys. The EXACT date of our heartbreak, God has redeemed and made new.

I used to dread Mother's Day. Well meaning people would make sure I got a rose that they give to moms at our church..."you are a spiritual mom". Don't get me wrong...that is no small thing, I cherish that title. But to have my own baby, to cuddle and raise and watch from infancy on - that is what I wanted. That is what we begged God for.

This year, I will be a new mom of 4. FOUR children! Not bad for a lady who thought she may never have one.

And He, in the way that only He can, has pulled out the stops for us. Emma will be 3 in August, Alina turned one in December, and these little men will join us tomorrow. 4 babies in less than 3 years." 

How does it happen? That I could be 6 weeks before my due date, I just happen to be able to keep myself from going into labor as I submitted to two weeks of bed rest, and I check into a hospital to have two baby boys come out of me ON THE EXACT DAY that one baby didn't come home with us.

I could say more, tell more stories of provision, perfect timing, and the way that God came through at just the right time. I could tell you the lessons that I have learned from the hardest seasons of my life. There are too many, but let me tell you those seasons have defined me, refined me and made me who I am today. Every hard thing is a gold mine waiting to give me treasure.

When Job, the famous sufferer said "I know that my Redeemer lives", I believe he meant it. He knew what it was to have his fortunes restored to him. I believe he knew what it was to have suffered the loss of all things only to find that he had gained more than he ever lost.

He does give beauty for ashes. In His time.

If all you see is ash, there is a Redeemer who can make it beautiful.

To redeem means to exchange something for another something. I redeem a coupon to get a discount on something at the store. I turn in something technically worthless to receive something with worth.

Isn't this what happens?

I give my pain, my disappointment, discouragement and grief and in turn I get healing, hope and incredible memories to replace the old ones that brought me all that pain over all those years.

Incredible.
Beautiful.
Miraculous.

I am humbled, and repentant because I didn't trust well sometimes. Most of all I am so grateful. So, so grateful.

Now, I know what I mean when I say "I know that my Redeemer lives".

I am telling myself and anyone who will listen:

"Your grief is not the end, your pain is not the end, your heartache is not the end. Hold on! He is going to make this beautiful. He is going to make it better than you could ever possibly imagine.  He is running to exchange this very hard thing and turn it into something beautiful."

This is not just a nice thought, this is my life.

I have a Redeemer, and I know He lives. He lives in all of the ashes that He has made beautiful for me. He lives in all of the lessons I have learned from the challenges I have faced. He lives in the giggles of my kids, and in the kindness of my husband.

I know. I know, I know. My Redeemer lives.