reunions

I just received an invitation to a reunion for my first hometown in Durango, Colorado.I didn't actually graduate from that high school but I did go to school there until my grade 10 (sophomore) year. I confess that I hyperventilate just thinking about it.

Durango is a beautiful, little town in Colorado. This train left the station every morning on its way up to Silverton. This was our alarm clock.
We moved from Colorado when I was 15.  I highly recommend visiting there. I would love to return for a visit.

I am not sure that the visit will be wrapped up with a reunion however. Now that I am older, I see that the beauty of moving is re-invention. We moved enough that I got to re-do myself a few times. I didn't really like the Colorado me. There were some great memories, and some great people for sure. But yikes! Who wants to remember grade 7? or 8, or 9? I was awkward (I am going to guess we all felt awkward, but I feel I was superior at my awkwardness). I was irritating, and I was so lonely and scared in that season of my life. I really don't even like thinking about it.

I remember a speaker at an assembly saying "these are the best years of your life, I hope you are enjoying them", and I thought "dear God, I want to die"

Even scarier, I see the girl who was my famous bully in those grades on the invitation...I seriously just turned into a 12 year old. Her name has become legend in my mind (I am sure she is nice now, I am sure she wouldn't breathe fire and tell me to meet her at the dirt pit after school)  but still, my insides turn to Jell-O just imagining her stomping up behind me at my locker, or running to catch up with me on my walk home from school. A little shout out to my sister who would show up at just the right times and chase her off.

I think it all started when I wet the bed at a sleepover at the most popular girl in town's house. Yes, I think that was the beginning of the end. I was popular for a few minutes. Popular enough to get invited over to the cute, blond, popular girls house. Dumb bladder. And that was that.

I did have a few friends. Jenny Fitts (now Reynolds)- with her Cyndi Lauper bracelets and perfect frosted pink nails. We had awesome hair and we had each other.  Thank God for music. I hid in the choir and the drama productions once I got into high school.  The people there, I will always be grateful for. But the damage was done - in my own mind anyway. I felt marked by my own stupidity in many ways. It seemed I just didn't know how to say the right thing at the right time.

I think I slept through much of my grade 10 year. I think I missed more school than I attended. My mom must have known something was up with me, but she still let me stay home at least one or two times a week. How I passed, I will never know.

But then, mercifully, our family moved to Spokane, Washington (haven't we lived in beautiful places?). No one knew me, no one knew how my bladder had betrayed me on that fateful night. I got a new start.

I had friends - we were all choir/drama geeks, but it was a big school and there were enough of us to feel the strength in numbers. I loved those two years. So many great friends. I still stuck my foot in my mouth too much, but I had learned a little bit about keeping it zipped so that came in handy.

But even those Spokane reunions.... I don't know. I haven't been. I am such a chicken. What is my problem?

Maybe since I haven't discovered a cure for cancer (and haven't even tried), I feel like I am not worthy to appear. I feel like I look old, and I am not skinny, and I didn't just get back from Hawaii after spending the summer at my lake cabin.

Crazy.

Really, who cares? My current self doesn't.

But my 7th grade self seems to.

And my Senior year (Grade 12 for my Canadians) self seems to.

The good news is, those were not the best years of my life. These are.

These are the best years of my life.

I am married to an awesome man - I mean it, he is so great. He was bullied too - worse than me, and I wish the people who over looked him could see him now. He is the boss, he is a genius, he is favored and blessed. Take that high school success ladder - popularity structure thingy!

I have FOUR kids - and each of them have their own miracle story.

I get to live out my passion to lead and train young adults - and I get paid to do it.

I get the incredible honour of speaking from time to time at Ladies events - and I love every minute of it.

The irony of it all is how much time I spend teaching people diplomacy - the art of knowing what to say and when to say it. Let me tell you, that is its own miracle.

Anyway, I don't think it will be in the budget to pack up our family and trek to Colorado for this reunion. But I am glad for the opportunity to work it through and for the chance to talk to my 12 year old self and tell her that it gets so much better. The best part is, I get to use all of those lessons I learned in so many different ways. The most important being to never overlook a person. Never. You just never know when they are going to turn the whole thing around and become a home-run hitter.

I would love to see my friends from those seasons. I know that time will come. I will remember the good old days with them, and it will be wonderful. In the meantime - I am reconciling with my junior high self and using those lessons to make me a better mom, and a leader of young people. I am grateful. Even for the bullies, they all taught me something.

Let's all have a reunion in heaven. I don't think there are any lockers to get shoved into there.

protect your process

I don't know if we made this term up or not - but a couple of years ago we started saying that people were inside processors, or outside processors.

I am an outside processor - let me explain. It will only sound strange to you if you are an inside processor, but sometimes I don't actually know what I think until I start talking about it. 

Shawn is an inside processor. This means that he thinks and thinks and thinks and thinks about what he wants to say, how he wants to say it, and he will not say it until he feels that he has narrowed down all of the non-essentials to a clean train of thought. 

I am sure you can tell that the opportunities for offence and misunderstanding are limitless. In our marriage, I have learned to say things like "I am saying this stronger than it probably will be, but I am really frustrated about blah, blah, blah..."  or he will say "I need time to think". 

One of the main problems with outside processors is that they (we) feel that they have to talk and talk until we get to a solution. Sometimes to anyone who will listen, sometimes our stuff becomes our facebook status or a blog or a ranting session over coffee. You can see that this could become problematic. 

A very wise friend once told me "once words have left your mouth, you relinquish the right to determine what happens to them." There are phrases that sometimes I wish I was not accountable for, this is one of them. It is truth. I need to respond to it. 

Or, maybe you have heard the story of the pastor who took his church gossip to the top of a hill, handed her a feather pillow, cut it open and shook the feathers into the wind. Once the pillow was empty, he told the woman to go and pick up all the feathers. 

It would be impossible. It is also impossible to collect our words spoken in haste, in frustration, in anger, in judgement or gossip.  

Here comes the scriptures: 

Proverbs 10:19

When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable,

But he who restrains his lips is wise.

James 3:2-6

Indeed, we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way.

We can make a large horse go wherever we want by means of a small bit in its mouth.  And a small rudder makes a huge ship turn wherever the pilot chooses to go, even though the winds are strong. In the same way, the tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches.But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire.  And the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself.

I heard a great definition of gossip: if you are not a part of the solution, you should not be a part of the conversation. 

So here is the challenge for me - I am an outside processor. I need to talk to someone sometimes before I talk to another someone that is actually part of the problem. And this is the point of this whole topic for me: that person that I talk things through with needs to be chosen carefully. First, I should probably pray. When I get to a road block, I may need to hash it out with someone. This person needs to be a parent, my husband, a leader. 

This person should not be: my friends who will agree with me and take on my frustration, my children who are not prepared to hear this information and it will surely change the way they see the people involved, or eager people ready to hear information that could make them feel important. 

I need people who will walk me to a solution, thankfully my husband is great at this. I need people who will not just agree with me and get mad or hurt too. These people are worth their weight in gold. 

The thing is, we all go through very personal things. It is important that these personal things stay in a small circle of people who know me and will encourage me, but also challenge me if I am going off the rails.

The thing is, it is not always negative. Sometimes we just need to tighten our circle because we need to reduce confusion. 

I was talking to a friend recently about infertility. EVERYONE has an opinion about infertility. They say the craziest things..."Oh if you just relax and stop obsessing about getting pregnant, you will" Well, thank you, that clears it all up. 

Greif is another one. I have been through deep grief, but heres the deal... it is unlike anyone else's grief. When someone is sick, when someone has lost someone they loved, they are hurting, they are confused and they need lots of support. We need to be careful with the words we speak when someone is so vulnerable. Sometimes they just need someone to sit there, without a word, just so they know that they are not alone. 

My good friend lost her baby last week. She was 17 weeks into her pregnancy. She had to go through labor and birth that beautiful boy. 

My friend is hurting. My friend needs help with her kids, maybe copious amounts of cookies or popcorn. What she doesn't need is for someone to say "Well, at least you have two other kids". 

I think that I have digressed. 

My point is that we are supposed to guard our hearts:

Proverbs 4:23

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. 

I feel the pain of the outside processors - I am one. But if you are at the beginning of your life, let me save you some heartache:

Surround yourself with smart, honest people who will love you enough to tell you that you are wrong, or are willing to sit down until you work through to your solution without taking on your problems or offences. 

If you are in a personal process - like grief or infertility, or waiting for a relationship - be careful with the amount of people to bring into your inner circle. Too much talking  could lead to debilitating insecurity, confusion or fear. God loves you, He loves your process and He wants to teach you through the challenges you are going through. You need to hear from Him. Anything that brings confusion is not from Him. Even your closest people cannot hear from God for you. You need to get your marching orders from Him - THEN you can talk to people who love you and will echo what He has said.  

What you are going through is valuable. YOU are valuable. Your brain is meant to be a peaceful place where joy, kindness and faith are jumping up to handle life's issues. 

I don't have many regrets. I know I am forgiven, but if I could do some things over, I would be more careful with my process. So, I will write it here in hopes that I can save someone from wasting words or inviting trouble by using their mouth without restraint. 

Three cheers for wisdom, and lessons learned, even if it was the hard way from time to time.