seeing around corners

i am thinking tonight about transitions, and change. i have been observing my girls and of course, they are  teaching me. Alina started crawling a few weeks ago, and she is quickly picking up the knack for pulling up on things (you can imagine that this is a game changer for the mommy and the daddy, there is no more just laying around and making cute little noises).

I am on round two of watching babies develop new skills. there is a pattern, as much as babies follow a pattern. 1) they are content, enjoying the stage they are at. 5 weeks ago, Alina would lay on her play mat and coo and make great little noises. but then she started turning on her side which leads to 2) they get frustrated because they can tell there is something else that they should be able to do but they just can't yet. so she yells and cries and grunts and groans until...3) she figures out what to do and then she is off to the races. About 4 weeks ago, Alina was up on her knees rocking back and forth, and in no time she was crawling at lightning speed into the kitchen and under my feet.

and then, this week the pattern repeated itself - she was not content to crawl, now she is up on her knees finding tables and shelves, anything that is just a little taller than her that she can pull up on. but she is frustrated because she can't do it yet, and sometimes she bonks her head on the floor when she is trying to get up.

the thing is, i am pretty calm throughout the whole process. i know she will figure it out. i am there to comfort her when she gets too mad or hurts herself... i am guessing you can see where i am going with this.

Matthew 6:25-34“That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing?  Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?
  “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?
  “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

 “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today."

and there you have it. 

i can't see around corners, but He can. and He is not nervous - not one bit. 

He is compassionate, He is patient, He is ready to encourage and comfort, but He is not worried that we won't figure it out. 

so, the question for my heart..."why do i have so little faith?" which is really what i am saying when I am worrying. inadvertently, i am saying "i can't see around corners, but neither can You, so i better not sleep well, and i better spend lots of time spinning my brain and trying to figure it all out." 

and i get frustrated. but i need to be frustrated if i am going to change. 

in every process, there are things that i can do, and then there are things that only He can do. I cannot open doors, make things happen, make dreams come true. but i can practice faithfulness, servanthood and humility. and i can keep trusting. 

Alina does this by instinct. she doesn't really worry that someone won't come to get her. she is bold in her learning (mostly because she doesn't understand gravity, but still). and i want to be bold in my learning and my practicing. 

i don't know what all of this flexing and lifting will produce, but i do know that when i turn the corner i want to have more character than when i stood on the other side. and i want my faith to say "no matter what, i trust that you will catch me if i fall". 

and more importantly, i want to remember that in all of this that not only does He see around the corner to what is coming next, He sees me. and if my little human heart can explode with joy when i see Alina figure something out, I just have to imagine that my Father jumps for joy when i do turn that corner knowing and loving Him more.  

if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. 

once again Lord. you have left me speechless. thanks. 

optimism

i feel the need to clarify my last post. my sister will be embarrassed that i am saying this, but she was worried about me. she said that last one didn't sound like me. if you felt the same, i am sorry and i am fine. (not that i really think you are spending all of your free time worrying about me, but still) it laughed a little when she asked me because i was, literally, falling asleep while i wrote that. i woke up twice and my fingers were still moving - so who knows what in the world i was saying. the whole scenario makes me laugh a little. not that what i said wasn't true, i just usually soften it a little before i hit "post". so there you have it.

i am happy to be an optimist, usually things hit me but i bounce back pretty quickly - i think the main thing i was trying to say was that i haven't really done a personal inventory for a little while and i think some of the deeper places of my heart need some attention.

i think we, our family, are moving into a new season (who isn't?), and i don't want to pack old stuff with me. i need to keep fighting for a clutter free life. it is so easy to just stay in the same old mindsets and slide into negativity. but we need to fight it. every day, i need to fight it. and the truth is, i have no reason to be negative right now - life is good. really good. but negativity is a rut and sadly the default setting for the fallen heart.

even today - the anniversary of the attacks on the twin towers, we must believe that there is hope and there is beauty even in the darkest nights.

life changes, hardships happen, we take hits and sometimes we get knocked down. BUT - in the end, we must get up, keep our hearts buoyant, and find joy in the everyday things.

and i need to remind myself, i am not pounding on the door asking for promises right now. i am through the door, keeping my house and running after my little promises every day.  i am not dreaming, i am living the dream. dreaming is a little cheap in comparison. living the dream is costly, and it takes a lot to embrace every minute of it.

but who is complaining? i have, in it's own time, received every single thing i asked for - at least the big ones and who cares about the rest?

there you have it, that is what i meant to say the other night - i am happy to report that i haven't fallen asleep even once in the process of typing this. ta daa!

grace

there is season for everything. some seasons i like better than others.

i was praying yesterday, kicking around ideas of where i am in my life. and i realized that i missed the weather forecast. i keep thinking it is winter, i am dressed to the top of my head, braced for the next wave of bad news.

let me explain. the last decade of my life has been full. it has not all been bad, of course some beautiful things have happened. i got married to a wonderful man, we had the miracle of two new babies joining our family, we bought a beautiful home, i have the honour of having a great job, and continue to have amazing friends and family.

but it has been a long, dark night. i didn't get married until i was 33, my mom was diagnosed with cancer the week after i got engaged, my mom suffered and died from that same cancer the following year, my dad also got cancer (and thankfully recovered), we have ridden the roller coaster of infertility for the past 6 years, and i had two miscarriages.

i get tired just reading that. and i am not saying all of that to extract pity, they are facts now, events that i lived through along with the every day ins and outs of life.

and my faith took some hits. my heart, i am realizing in the last couple of days, is tired. i see in me that i have grown weary in well doing.

somehow, through all of the trials, i managed to keep faith - i braced myself against the elements and took on an attitude that said "do your worst". "bring it on, it will only make me stronger."

and in many ways it has. i am a better person because of what i suffered, but i have lost something. my heart, i think i mentioned, is tired. i am a little road weary - a little more cautious, sadly, a bit skeptical. and everything is back up for question.

my dad taught me once to say "what is right about what i am doing now?", don't ask what is wrong, it will take too long to answer, but to say what is right...that narrows down the options and makes me focus on what really matters. keep what is right, lose what isn't. that is good advice.

i think what i am doing right, right  now, is being faithful. meaning consistent. but i realized yesterday i am not faith-ful. i am braced for bad news. i am protecting myself, i am expecting the worst in some ways. i am putting my hands out to soften the fall.

but i don't think this is the abundant life that i was called to live in.

that is why i am dressed for winter in the middle of the summer (metaphorically of course). and yesterday it felt like it is time to shed some of the baggage from the last season in order to walk into the new. it seems such a shame to be in a time of fulfillment, but to be so cold in heart that i can't even enjoy it.

and i wonder why the last few months have felt like so much work mentally. it is because the season changed and i missed it. i don't need my winter coat right now - i need a summer dress. i need to be in the sunshine, soaking up the warmth.

and the grace, thank God for grace, the God given ability to do God's will. He takes the burden, tells me not to worry about it, then gives me perspective on what He sees so i can change.

and for the first time in a couple of months, my mind is silent and free of anxiety about the future.

i am asking the Lord to teach me to THRIVE, not just live.

and so, in my heart, it is time for some spring cleaning, we need to go through some closets and get rid of old thinking and behaviour. and i welcome it. it already started today.

and, because i am in a season of fulfillment, i am exhausted. not spiritually, actually exhausted. i have almost fallen asleep three times just wiring this.

so, all of this to say, i am so grateful for his grace. he not only asked us to conform to His image, He gave us a way to make it happen.