"Mama, you have what it takes"

from the book i am reading right now (have a new kid by friday - kevin lehman):

"you don't need a PhD. you don't need to have a lot of money. you have all you need. you know the biggest secret of all: your child wants to please you. She can't stand it when you're unhappy with her. she wants to know you are a team."

"what kind of legacy are you going to leave for them? if you want them to be healthy, independent thinkers who are kind and giving to others, now if the time to start, and you can start by changing yourself"

this will sound crazy but these statements brought tears to my eyes.

why? because it is so easy to forget the i have what it takes.

i don't really love it when i blog about my insecurities, simply because it feels like i am asking for people to tell me that i am amazing etc... and trust me that is not my goal. i need to get it out of me, and this is how i do it. i write about it, i talk about it. and you get to read it, lucky you.

i read those two statements and i realize the lies i have been listening to, and the fears i have been yielding to.

it is true that comparison the doorway to all disorder in my mind and all sorts of other creepy crawly thoughts that natter at me and disable me from being the best mom i can be.

when i look at other moms and think "i should be more like that", or "i am not good at that like they are", i am opening the door to crazy thinking. who cares if i am not good at crafts? who cares if i am not the most structured mom in the world? i can work on these things, but i don't think my kids will go on Dr. Phil one day with the sob story about how their mom was completely incapable of making a butterfly with pipe cleaners.

i guess i am realizing that i have been living in fear - fear that my kids will grow up to disrespect me, disregard me, just plain dis - me. i have seen too many teenagers do it, i have heard too many stories. working with teenagers for almost 20 years will do that to a person. and i have been afraid that no matter what i do, my kids won't turn out to be responsible adults that i am happy to present to society.

but the truth is, none of those other teenage stories are our story. and i can testify that without fail, every kid who knows their parents love them and care for them will come around and know that they did what they could with what they were given. and, they will disrespect me sometimes, that is part of growing up, but that doesn't mean they will be disrespectful people forever.

i cannot decide for my kids whether i am a good parent or not. i cannot bribe them or coerce them to think good thoughts about me. that is control, and it is wrong. i cannot make them love me, any more than God our Father will force me to love Him. this is the risk he took when he gave us free will. He opened Himself wide for rejection and misunderstanding. and His very first kids believed lies about Him and set the course for the rest of us for all time. that must have stunk big time.

i guess in the end i am realizing, it is ok to make mistakes, and it is prideful to think i won't.  it is ok and even good to say "i'm sorry". there is nothing bad that can come out of that. i teach my kids to have character because i have character, and that is enough. i have choices, they have choices. i cannot make my kids become "good kids" they have to choose just like the rest of us. we are all on a journey, and we get to do this together.

this all seems so obvious - i guess in my heart i know it. but i tell you...day to day, it is tough to feel like i am making progress. each day is a new adventure with screaming battles between the girls (how do i handle that one?), emma has taught alina to hit back, alina has taught emma to crawl up on to everything, emma yells "NO!" at me all the time....on and on it goes. i respond the same way every time, i am not overlooking it - i am not being permissive, but the behaviour isn't changing as quickly as i want it to. is this a mountain or a molehill??? time alone will decide.

so, i guess that is why the first statement gave me a moment to pause, look at the long road and think..."they will get through this, i will get through this. and i may not win these battles everyday, but i will die before i give up the war for their hearts"

i have what it takes. i begged God for these little souls and now i take my turn with all parents who pray daily that they give their kids what they need to survive in our hostile world. i see my inadequacies, i see my faults, but somehow, i have what it takes.

 ok. easy to believe now, because they are  napping and i have perspective.

let's try to remember that when they are awake shall we?

periphery

i have done it again.

it is the first day of the new year, and we are all assessing where we are and where we want to go. and i realized again today that i have turned secondary issues into primary issues, i have allowed the temporary to swallow the eternal. and i have let myself get all bundled up in fears and thoughts that i can do nothing about.

i have a friend who's mom is dying. things are crystal clear for her right now. the most important things remain, and the extemporaneous disappear. her mom found out just a short month ago that she had terminal cancer and given about two months to live. so now, every day, my friend watches her mother degenerate little by little.

i know this feeling.

i know it too well. these women, our moms. feisty, full of life and laughter. brilliant. sharp minded. and then one day they face their mortality and we who love them, hold them and walk to death's door with them.

psalm 23 - though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will not fear. You are with me.

death is a shadow. and yet, we never feel more alive. the air feels thicker, breathing becomes the most important issue. saying the right things at the right times. releasing, healing, blessing, nurturing, soothing...

i can promise you today that my friend is not worried about whether her house is clean. she is not worried about what next year will bring, or whether she will have enough money or not. my friend is watching her mother breathe while she sleeps and thanking God for every single one of those breaths.

the day will come when her mom will not be here. she will have taken all of her secret recipes and unspoken wisdom to the grave. and my friend will change forever. she will not quickly fight the petty battles that we all find ourselves in, she will remember when Jesus came to take her mom home. she will be grateful for life. and determined to live it.

it has been seven years now. and i must remember this. it is not about my bank account or my comfortable, immaculate home.

it is about every day, EVERY DAY, living with purpose and clarity. every day fiercely extracting the essence of our destiny and deciding to not get bogged down in the menial.

we learn in these pains. it is like backwards pregnancy. and we coach them to their final rest. naked i came from my mothers womb and naked i will return.

so it doesn't really matter does it? does it matter if i have the best clothes, the nicest house, the cutest kids?

in the end what really matters?

love.

that is it

and i need to be reminded. without love i am nothing.

not just love that comes in our western, squishy, watered down, tolerate everything sort of package.

i mean the real stuff. the stuff that sacrifices, the stuff that gets into the deepest places of peoples messes and pain and sits down to say "tell me where it hurts, and let's get you out of here".

and the love that stays even when it is hard and there is conflict. it is the love that says sorry, and means it.

and this is the love that we know when we say "turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace."

Jesus

He stepped out of His royal place in heaven stepped into our mess of a world and said, "i will make this right".

I betray Him every time i worry. i reject Him every time i resist and refuse His grace. and i ignore Him when i turn peripheral things into primary.

forgive me.

so, this is my confession and my resolution - to catch worry and fear when it comes crashing in, and to spend my life on love.

so help me God