where does it end?

it is so tempting, when waiting on a promise, to begin to search for reasons why it isn't happening. for instance, we want to have another baby (or two). i can find so many ways to blame myself for the road blocks. i want to look for so many natural reasons why this is not happening. the statistics are against me, I am not getting any younger, and the wait continues. looking back on my life, i have to admit, this isn't the first time i have felt like i needed to pick at myself in order to earn God's promises. when marriage didn't come my way when i was 20,25,30... it was easy to find all that was wrong with me- i could list them here, but it is not worth the effort. I guess my point is, when it comes to promises and timing, i struggle to figure out my part of the equation.

a little while ago, i was rehearsing (I think the biblical word is fretting) all of the natural reasons why it is unlikely for my body to bear a child. and this is what the Lord said to me - "where does it stop?" when He asks me a question, He is usually ready to answer it, so the dialogue went on - "if you can earn this, what else are you trying to earn? your salvation, no, you know better. your home? your financial security? your husband? your family? is it all you? where do I come in?" and a gentle reminder here that unless the Lord builds the house - they labor in vain (ps.127:1)

of course i don't get a pass on my part - i need to exercise to stay healthy, tithe to keep financial blessing on our home, and pray to keep my heart right with the Lord, but when I have done everything - He needs to build, and I need to trust.

wasn't sarah past her prime? i am guessing in our day, sarah being 89 would be like our 40 or 45. all the odds are against me, but God.

I can't earn a family - but I can put all of my faith/hope/confidence/trust in the One who can. and somehow, I believe He will.

Genesis 18:14"Is anything too difficult for the LORD? At the appointed time I will return to you, at this time next year, and Sarah will have a son."

Ephesians 3:20-22Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think,according to the power that works within us,

to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen.
Romans 4:14-24 If God’s promise is only for those who obey the law, then faith is not necessary and the promise is pointless. For the law always brings punishment on those who try to obey it. (The only way to avoid breaking the law is to have no law to break!)So the promise is received by faith. It is given as a free gift. And we are all certain to receive it, whether or not we live according to the law of Moses, if we have faith like Abraham’s. For Abraham is the father of all who believe.That is what the Scriptures mean when God told him, “I have made you the father of many nations.” This happened because Abraham believed in the God who brings the dead back to life and who creates new things out of nothing.Even when there was no reason for hope, Abraham kept hoping—believing that he would become the father of many nations. For God had said to him, “That’s how many descendants you will have!” And Abraham’s faith did not weaken, even though, at about 100 years of age, he figured his body was as good as dead—and so was Sarah’s womb.Abraham never wavered in believing God’s promise. In fact, his faith grew stronger, and in this he brought glory to God. He was fully convinced that God is able to do whatever he promises.And because of Abraham’s faith, God counted him as righteous. And when God counted him as righteous, it wasn’t just for Abraham’s benefit. It was recorded for our benefit, too, assuring us that God will also count us as righteous if we believe in him, the one who raised Jesus our Lord from the dead.

Jeremiah 32:17 “O Sovereign Lord! You made the heavens and earth by your strong hand and powerful arm. Nothing is too hard for you!

rebellion and criticism

i had an epiphany: rebellion and criticism are best friends. in order for rebellion to exist in my heart toward God or man, I must have a complaint against them. I must search for flaws in the thinking, question the motives, and find reasons to question their character.

isn't that how it all started? "Did God really say? You wont die!" - in other words, "He is a liar and unworthy of my trust". criticism in my heart justifies my rebellion.

when a leader earns our respect or even better, gives us what we want,  we rarely rebel or bristle under them. but pity the leader we find unworthy or unwilling. we will justify, blameshift, accuse and mock the ones that we can find fault with. once the criticism foundation is built - rebellion is an easy house to build. 

if we are brutally honest, we would have to admit that we like the power of criticism. the superiority, the smug look down the nose that is followed (in our hearts of course- not out loud) by the "I would never do that" or "if i were in charge things would sure be different" Sadly, there is always that Pharisee in us that wants to say "thank God I am not like that man"

i think the challenge is to keep criticism out - because criticism wants to have a slumber party with rebellion and offence in my mind. if i am who i say i am, then trusting God includes understanding that nothing touches me without passing through His hand. when i fight His process by padding my life with only those with whom I agree, i am a korah waiting to happen. criticism is entry-level rebellion that is hungry for a promotion.

i pray that i would choose to believe the best and trust the sovereignty of God. he knows what I need, and who i need and i pray i would not fight His plan to build my life.

keep back your servant from presumptuous sin, and let them not have dominion over me, then shall i be upright and innocent of great transgressions. let the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing in your sight oh Lord, my rock and my redeemer.

i think it should count

you know what i think should burn calories? saying no to calories! I was in costco today and i walked right down that aisle that has all of the large quantities of all things yummy and i said a big, fat (no pun intended), no to all of it. i think that should count as like a good jog, or at least a moderate walk around the neighbourhood.

while we are talking about food and overcoming things...i made two meals with fish in them this week. yup - two. that makes it two more than any fish i have made since we have been married. i think i am a fish phobe. it is not like i don't like it at restaurants, but making it is a whole other kettle of you know what. but i did, yes i did. i made two dishes with fish just like Dr. oz told me to. and they tasted good. what did i make you ask? well, let me tell you...fish tacos - and fish and chips. in case you are getting ready to tsk-tsk me, they were both healthy versions of these meals.

i think i should burn more calories for walking through the valley of chocolate almonds and licorice, and for making fish.

i am just saying.

a polished ring

thinking a lot about my husband today. we will have been married 6 years ago in april. today i took my ring to the jewellers. a few years ago we bought a warranty for the ring so twice a year i can get it polished and re-plated (something that is necessary for white gold) when it comes back, it will be like new. i think marriages could use a lifetime guarantee for re-polishing and re-plating.

having a baby sure does a number on a marriage. in good and bad ways. of course, there is the middle of the night war over who is going to deal with the whimpering child. the war kind of looks like this - "i will lay here really still and pretend that i didn't hear that". then she moans again and the cycle repeats itself until one of us caves in and takes care of this beautiful gift that is awake at 2 in the morning. the positives are too many to count - i love watching shawn play with emma. he has his own little way with her and she lights up every time she sees him.

and i... want to light up every time i see him. even after 6 years of seeing him everyday. still saying thanks and please, and i love you. delighting in the fact that he is so excited about his new mario game and that right now he is in his own little world of gathering coins and conquering colorful planets. this is my husband.

so, everyday i want to find ways to polish our friendship and romance. i have to confess it might be hard to compete with the little mario who just earned some kind of propeller on his head - but i will do my best.

to marriage...

watching and weighting

well, i might as well admit it, i joined weight watchers in the fall. 15 pounds so far. this is exciting to be sure, but i have to admit that i have seen the 15 mark twice now since i started. you get stickers for every five pounds and the nice lady that weighs me in said "oh! you get a sticker!" and i had to reply "no, actually i already got this sticker, and then Christmas..." so i find myself there every thursday at lunchtime - hungry - feeling like i am on my own version of biggest loser.  i feel like i joined an aquafit class - most of the people there are 50 and up. there is one lady there who has been a "lifetime member" for 25 years. this means that she has lost and maintained her weight for 25 years. i am not sure why she comes every week, but there she is passing on her wisdom from the ages. the rest of us are just trying to figure out what happened to our bodies. i do love it though - most of the time.

i love that i am learning how to eat better. i actually really like whole wheat pasta. i like that all my jeans feel too big. more shopping coming my way!!!

other things on my mind today...Olympics coming soon to Vancouver, what mc outreach will look like with a baby, haiti, when will we see avatar, and i am going swimming with Emma tomorrow.

then sings my soul

yup, it is monday..the day of voice lessons. i don't have my glasses on and i almost typed lesions. anyway...voice lessons. i have a love/hate relationship with them. i love singing, but i find myself feeling secretly insulted because people totally underestimate how challenging singing is. i think most people think "how hard can it be?", so they expect to be brilliant in 10 weeks - but it just isn't so. i think my blog feels more like a rant than it should.

do you know what i love? when my little baby girls whaps my face while she is falling asleep. it is like she is trying to find, or make another nose on my face. i find it extremely entertaining.

yesterday they announced that shawn and i would be ordained. shawn is going to make a clerical collar and see if his dad will call him father. i love my husband. speaking of that, he is talking to me about king abimilech right now. i don't know at what point i can convince him that anything that involves more than two syllables at a time after 10:00 PM will be met by me with glazy eyes and simple mmm-hmmmmsss. night people - honestly, how do they do it?

i have become that lady that smells her baby's bum to see if she is poopy. this is a strange transformation for me. i never really knew that another human beings bowel movements would become so intrinsic to my daily life.

no good segues from there....

goodnight.

clean indeed

i have a strange attraction to de-cluttering. there is a new show on called "hoarders". it gives me hives, i am not kidding. it is not like i am a clean freak...truly i am not. but give me a closet that has been overlooked for a couple of years and a sunny day that feels like spring - and i am off to the races. i threw away a huge bag of old lotions and soap from hotels (why do i keep things like that anyway?). it was heavy but i heaved it out the door and left it for the burly garbage guys to deal with next.

so, there is one sunshin-ey day filled with spring cleaning - not bad for january.

habits

so, i have decided that consistency is what i need. so in case anyone will notice, i think i will try to write more - maybe every day -- eeek. that sounds like a lot. i was talking to someone today and told her not to focus on non-productive thoughts. such good advice that i need too. i need it today. the side conversation that i am not saying is that i got the phone call today from the fertility clinic telling me that i have another polyp that will have to be removed before i can do another cycle. the thing is with me that i don't even cry about stuff like this anymore. i hate that i am so used to bad news. why is this taking forever? i am so thankful for Emma - my gift. i still have so many pockets of unbelief in my heart. i should have so much faith, God has come through so many times. and here i am feeling like that days will never bring me a little blended version of shawn and keri harvey.

you know that scene in Up? when she miscarries and she is sitting outside with the sun on her face. that is me today except the sun hasn't been out and i am not brave enough to sit out in my front yard in the rain. but in my heart, i am her. gathering courage and hoping for the best.

so, i love my husband and i kissed my baby's face lots today. and i am going to blog more. goodnight.

trust

it is one of the hardest things to watch. the risk that God takes when He says "trust Me". the wrestle that follows in the human heart is nothing short of epic. Since the garden, the big question has been "is He good? will He come through? can i trust Him? what if i trust Him and it doesn't work out?". When we are waiting, and waiting, and waiting sometimes it is so tempting to just walk away and figure it out ourselves. or better, we figure that we will make a mess and then ask or expect Him to clean it up.

i read once that the definition of trust is knowing that the rug won't be pulled out from under you. as one who has made it their aim to trust, i would say that this is true to a point. as long as the rug we are standing on is not our own expectations of how we think things should work out. it is the trust of God's heart, not His promises and the things that are "added" to us. it is the trust that no matter what He provides, it is for our best and for His good.

I love talking to people who are fighting to trust God. They hear from Him. He shows them His heart. I was talking to a young lady last night and God asked her to give Him everything. when she said that she felt she had, He replied "not your hopes and dreams, I want those too". so, she gave those to Him in a box with a scarlet ribbon wrapped around it. with tears streaming down her face, she put her future in His hands. trust.

it is trust that lets us let go of what we think is best and trust that gives us the strength to humble ourselves in the knowing that we do not. He does. He always does.

most of the struggle with trust is time. we want it now, or at least soon. but not when we have to cry about it, or feel like we become broken beggars.

i wonder where he puts those prayers? the desperate ones that say "i can't do this anymore Father". i wonder if there is a special place in His heart for those prayers. Maybe it sounds like Jesus to Him. and i wonder if the hinge of history balances on those who stand and say " i will trust Him". and the scourge of history are those who say "He is not coming, therefore I..."

time means nothing to God. He made it to help us. He is not defined by it, limited to it or accountable for it. He doesn't hear the clocks that we hear. He does not worry.

the first trust is always the hardest. i should say the first, deep trust. that trust when you truly have no other life lines, you are not going to make your own path, you simply close your eyes and step off the ledge.

once that brutal test is over you see the world differently. He defies boundaries and makes roadways out of thin air.

He is the way-maker and only those who trust will know it.