the mom's club

i was at costco tonight - a little diaper run, they are on sale - i went by myself because emma is teething and was cranky pants all day. it is not normal for me to be relieved for a little alone time, usually she is such a pleasant little girl. but today, i was grateful to get in the car and drive around with no one depending on me for anything. once i got to costco, i noticed another lady with her little girl. a little knowing smile passed between us. two moms.

there was a time about two years ago when i melted down - another month with no baby - and i remember telling Shawn with tears streaming down my face that it felt like there was an exclusive club for moms and i couldn't find the door and no amount of money would get me in. it was a terrible feeling. to sit at gathering after gathering where the main topics were about birthing, teething, bowel movements, and general celebrations about every achievement of all the kids. it wasn't that i minded the conversations, i was happy to hear all of the fun news, i just had nothing to contribute. there was no common ground.

i hated that feeling of total isolation.

the worst part was that every friend and family member would have done anything to get us into that season. but it wasn't time yet. and for whatever reason, it was ours to wait.

and so we did. we waited and cried, every month that we thought there was hope, we would ride the rollercoaster. maybe...maybe this time. and then no. not this time.

but then, one day, out of nowhere, a phone call. a chance. a maybe.

and then a few months later another phone call: "we are on our way to the hospital - meet us there" two hours later, a miracle was passed into my arms. and my love for her is fierce. so strong it rips me apart sometimes. it is like she was birthed in my heart. my heart was her womb and she was birthed there in those months when our answer was no, not this time.

it was a different kind of labor. i didn't require stitches, and i didn't have post-partum, but i birthed her, of this i am sure. it was the birthing of my heart.

so, teething or not, i am grateful for my little girl. and i can say now, i am grateful for the waiting. it has made everything on this side sweeter. my daily selfishness is swallowed in the gratitude of her every breath.

emma means "complete, whole". when we named her that it was a faith statement that she would be lacking nothing. instead, she came to complete me, my marriage and admit me one ticket into that exclusive club: i am her mom.