overcoming over and over

i am a recovering disorganized person. i spent years of my life creating crisis and then cleaning up my own mess. i work hard now to be organized, a good communicator and responsible. this comes easier to some, so this may not make sense to you if you are one of those. for me, making sure my schedule is clear, not double booked or overcrowded, that bills get paid on time, documents are renewed before critical things (like my permanent resident card to stay in Canada) expire - these are all the things i have to spend extra time thinking about because my default position is to forget and then i have a crisis. if you are like me, you may understand, if not, you could be thinking "people like you drive me crazy". yes, i know.

that is the other problem. i like making people happy, so when i do create a crisis, say by not communicating with work about what days i am coming in this week, i am spun into an anxious mess. i hate disappointing people, being the weak link, or feeling like i got my priorities messed up. this is all because i am recovering from being that disorganized mess. i got so tired of saying "i'm sorry, i will change".  i did change, but i created a crisis today and right now my head is spinning with all of the old anxiety.

it is funny to me how we can overcome so much, but one little moment, one mistake and we are flushed right back to the old version of ourselves.

i hate condemnation. there is nothing beautiful about it. and guilt just makes me feel like i have to strive to outrun it. guilt makes us busy. i hate the guilty busy.

so, right now, i am choosing to start this day again. refresh my view of myself. i am not the mess i once was, i have to assume that others see that. in fact, i am pretty sure this is all just in my head and no one else is thinking twice about it.

funny thing about overcoming, it sounds like you would only have to do it once, maybe twice. but time has shown overcoming is a life-long process, and today i get another chance to crawl out of the old me and live in the new.

and i need to be thankful that in Christ, i get that chance as many times as i need it. so thankful i am.

here's to starting over...