our family rocking chair

we have a picture of my dad holding my sister and i in a rocking chair they bought when we were babies. that chair has been with us since then. now that chair is in emma's room and i rock her to sleep in it every night. it strikes me every time i hold her, in that chair how my parents must have felt about me and my sister. and i wonder, "did they have the same emotions that i have sitting here, loving this baby more than life itself?" how could i have receive that kind of love and not even been aware of it at the time? i can say that the love that came to me in that chair grew and shaped me long after i was too big to fit in their arms anymore.

and it makes me want to scream out loud "I WANT MY MOMMY!"

there are times, like tonight, that it rips me wide open for the wanting of her laugh and her smile and her deep belief that i could truly do anything. i want to see her looking at emma. i want to see her delighting in every little thing she does, just like i do. i ache to hear her tell me that i am doing a good job, and that being a mommy looks good on me. all i want to do is be a mom like she was.

to be fair, i am not delusional, she was not perfect. there were many things that i am sure she would have changed about herself. but there was one thing she was exceptional at, and that was being our mom. and God, i miss her.

i am spoiled for life by her belief in me, because no one replaces that pure, abandoned faith that a mother has in her child. i know that now because i joined the mommy club and every acheivement for emma- great or small-makes me want to take out a front page ad that says "did you see what she just did? isn't she amazing? isn't she the cutest thing you have ever seen?"

and it makes me want to salute those who didn't have that fan in the front row in the form of their mom, but they are claiming that spot right now for their babies. they limp through life so their kids can run. they fight their demons so the kids can live with angels.

Thank God for moms. truly, thank God.

and for another day, i will save the posts about dad, because heaven knows he is pretty amazing too. and on that note, i just want to say that i am glad that he is still here. more about that another day. i need to blow my nose.