attitude

You have heard it, I have heard it, but it bears repeating:

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.

Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home.
The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.
And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes."

Thank you Chuck Swindoll for one of the best summaries of attitude ever written. 

I think we all need to walk in empathy for others. We listen, we try to understand, we grow with people  and we lead. We do our best to guide, and not DRAG people through life's process. What we cannot control is how they will perceive us, and how they will respond to our voice. 

Add that to the list, the very loooonnnngg list of things I cannot control. I will name a few (feel free to add your own) I cannot control my husband, my children, my reputation, or how people perceive me. I cannot control how people will treat me, or how they will treat the words I speak to them; meaning they can choose to twist those words and make them into something completely different than I intended. 

I cannot control the weather, or another person's health, or the choices they make or don't make to take care of themselves. I cannot control the economy or the government...shall I go on? 

I have one card that I can play. I can play this card every time: 

my attitude (my outlook, my response when things do not go my way.) 

In case we need a refresher on how strong our inner toddler is, maybe we should be filmed the next time some one cuts us off in line, or speaks rudely to us in a store, or the worst...when someone in authority over us says "no" or "do it this way, not that way". 

You could come hang out at my house if you forgot what that looks like in its purest form. I get yelled at, the tantrums fly...I am sure you can imagine. Even then, do you know who is the only one with the power to calm themselves down? The toddler. So, I leave her in her room to stomp and storm, but she is clear...it is her job to turn that bad attitude around. Until she does, she is not fit for public. So, in her room she stays. 

Now, we are much more refined. No throwing or stomping (most of the time). 

But what about our hearts? Do we fuss and fume and find people who will tell us we are right and reinforce or offence with so and so? 

What do our tantrums sound like? Usually gossip and criticism. Throw in some whining and complaining and there! We have ourselves a good, old fashioned grown up temper tantrum. 

No one likes it when their will is crossed. I haven't met anyone anyway. But I have met, and I try to be like this, those who have learned the value of not getting their way. They have bent to another person's wisdom, and learned to humble themselves instead of demanding their own way. 

Do we say "I am sorry"? Do we say "I was wrong"? 

There are times when I need to walk myself to a quiet place and grab myself by the back of the neck and say "Listen up Keri Ann Harvey! You stop complaining and fussing! You grow up and respond like a redeemed woman of God" 

It is not comfortable, but what is the alternative? 

A child who is never crossed is what? 

Spoiled, of course. 

An teenager or adult who is never crossed is entitlement driven. We demand that people treat us a certain way before we will listen to them. 

I just don't believe this is the way of wisdom. 

Proverbs 6:6 

Take a lesson from the ants, you lazybones.
   Learn from their ways and become wise!

I am not calling anyone lazy, but I love the heart of Solomon who would learn from something as small as an ant. 

This is the truth: We can learn from ANYTHING if our hearts are bent to learn. We can also resist learning by demanding that everything comes in predictable packages that we find appropriate. 

I know that in the end, others will be judged for how they treated me. But - I will be judged for my response to all of it. I will be the one who benefits if I set my heart, my attitude, and my response to humble myself and learn life's hard lessons. 

This means I declare war on gossip, whining, complaining, self pity and criticism and I open my heart and hands wide to say "teach me, I am willing to learn." 

That 10% of life that happens to us can be a rough ride sometimes - but how I respond determines how the rest of my 90% turns out. 

what if

It started with a conversation. I was talking to a new friend in October. She lost her son to cancer a few years ago and she said "I did not think I could do life without this boy". I came home and hugged my baby boys tight and prayed that I would never have to walk out that particular heartache.

Then I went to see Lincoln - such a good movie by the way - there was a scene with a battlefield, you know, the typical battlefield scene, bodies stacked on top of each other, smoke rising from piles of who knows what? And it hit me, those were someone's sons. They were someone's fathers, and brothers. They were a mommy's baby once. I am sure this seems obvious, and I am sure that I have thought that before, but this time I have baby boys. Those could be MY babies. That could be my story...

Then the shooting in Newtown - I couldn't stop thinking of those families, about that whole town. What was their Christmas like? They will never hold their babies again. They will never see them get married, they will never go to another Christmas concert for that child, and on it goes.. Unspeakable, senseless, horrible reality they are living in right now.

We were in a bookstore the other day and I saw a title "When God asked for my Isaac", I didn't even want to look at it, but I did. Sure enough, it was about a story of a mother who lost her baby Isaac. And I have an Isaac....

So, yes, a little melodramatic so far but stay with me.

I realized by the time that I set that book back on the shelf that I had been letting a little hamster run on a wheel in the back of my mind. I realized that I have been worrying that something could happen to my kids.

We have fought long and hard for these little lives. I  hit my knees until they had bruises on them begging God for these children. Now that we have them, what would happen if something happened? What would I do? How would I survive?

I hate worry, but it sneaks up on me and it rumbles around for awhile before the back of my mind thoughts become the front of my mind thoughts and I realize I am starting to foster not just worry, but actual fear.  And the worry almost always starts with "what if". What if something happens to Shawn? What if something happened to one of the kids? What if our finances fall though? What if that person thinks that about me? What if I let these people down? What if? what if? what if?

And to this I say - What if?

What if those things happen?

Will I walk away from God? Will I bury myself in bitterness and self-pity? Will I close shop and stop letting people into my life?

I cannot.

I pray that I would have the fortitude to press into the pain and let the pain remind me that there is more to this life than the life we are living.

 that this is not the end.

One thing I know. This life is not the end. There will be a reunion. There will be a greater day. We who believe in Christ will go to a place where there is no more sorrow, no more pain, no more tears.

I know loss. I know heartache and grief. It is exhausting and difficult. But for grace -  until you are there, you can't know the grace that carries you through impossible storms.

Without it, it is impossible to survive and grow through it and to come out stronger on the other side. But with grace, we come out of that dark tunnel of disappointment, heartache and sorrow with beauty, strength, patience, courage and a host of lessons that we can offer to others who need a friend in their moment of suffering.

I dream of heaven. I cannot wait to hold my mom again. I ache for the beauty of worship that never ends.

But I am here, on earth. Destined to walk out God's dream for my life.

My assignment is to untether myself from the magnetic pull to find ultimate fulfillment in this life, and to remember that this is not my forever home. This must have been what was in the heart of the psalmist when they asked "Death, where is your sting?"

I pray that this is how families in Newtown Connecticut are finding their way through the unspeakable grief they are facing.

Today my assignment is to raise, with open hands, these beautiful children that giggle and bring me so much joy. I must not live with fear, but with laughter and boldness.

Forgive me for making the first post of the new year a little somber - but I just needed to get that out of me.

The best is yet to come. No matter how it comes.

With a smile to my future, I welcome you 2013.

Ghosts of Christmas

The Muppet Christmas Carol is by far my favourite version of the story. It may just be my favourite Christmas movie. There are some great comedic moments - "light the lamp, not the rat", and a very funny interaction over some jelly beans and jumping off of a gate. I think I laughed until I cried the first time I saw it. Please forgive me for making references without explaining, I am going to write as though you have watched it. If you haven't, let me be the one to tell you that you won't be disappointed!

When you watch something more than once, you tend to see new things. Maybe it is just me getting older, I find myself getting more reflective these days.

This time, I was noticing Scrooge's response to each of the ghosts: Past, Present and Future.  Even though the first ghost, the ghost of Christmas past,  was the most innocent looking (the face of a child) and the most non- threatening - he was angry, put out and terrified by every scene she showed him. But she disarmed him, made him remember other days before he became the cold hearted man that we meet in the opening scenes.

When Present comes (great line -"No, i am a large -absent minded spirit"), he is jovial, and sweet. His whole body shakes when he laughs and there is a twinkle in his eye. You can see Scrooge softening to his kindness, he even smiles now and then. This spirit shows him hard things, the hardest being what people think about him.

I think one of the hardest things we could experience would be to walk into a living room where people are talking about us. I am a leader, part of being a leader means that people are not going to like me. I have to settle that. If we stand for anything people are not going to like us. Sometimes, by no intention of our own, people will feel judged even disappointed in us and we may never know it. I don't know how I would handle walking in to a conversation, as Scrooge had to, to hear a whole group of people mocking him and calling him and "unwanted creature". I would like to think that Scrooge would deserve that more than I do, but still, I am sure there have been some conversations that I would not like to hear spoken about me as well.

This would be a hard lesson - but Scrooge is beginning to see the point. So much that he wants to see his employee Bob Cratchit's house. This is where he sees how his hardest working employee is living - and he sees his son, Tiny Tim suffering under some kind of life-threatening illness. This is where the lights begin to turn on. Scrooge has wasted his life, he has let opportunities pass him by, he has been unkind, cruel and stingy. He sees the state of his cold heart and it is hard.

By the time Present leaves, he is met by Future. This one is creepy. He is dark, no face, long scary fingers....it is fast forward material for the toddlers in our house. But Scrooge says important words to this spirit - something along the lines of "teach me, I am willing to learn from you". This spirit takes him to the scary conversations that happen after his death - awful words of un-grieving souls fighting over his belongings. Then we end at the grave side of Ebenezer himself and here he utters these words:

"I am not the man I was. I will not be the man I must have been but for this intercourse. Why show me this, if I am past all hope! ... I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me I may sponge away the writing on this stone!”

Here of course is the crux of the story...we can start again if we are willing to learn, to listen, to humble ourselves. 

If you have known me for more than 20 minutes you would know that the event that has marked my life was the passing of my mom. She has been gone for 8 years now. 8 years of memories. 8 years of conversations that never happened. She has never met my children, she has never kissed their little faces, or rubbed their fuzzy heads. But she is my Ghost of Christmas. She reminds me to make traditions, to stop being so hard on myself, to sit down and play with my kids, and to laugh from my toes. 


I have a goal in mind - and I am pressing toward that goal every day that I live (well, most days. some days I just survive). My goal is to love God and to love people. So simple I know. It almost sounds trite, God forgive me. Oh, but I mean it. The last things I want said about me would be that I was a good speaker, a good cook, even a nice person. I want people to know that they matter when they are around me. That their cares are important to me, that THEY are important to me. 

It is so challenging. 

I get busy, I get irritated, I get tired. 

But if i am going to reach my goal, I must remember the end. 

In the end, my husband and my kids will know what my priorities were. They will be the judges of my success or failure. 

The people I led will also be the judge. They may disagree with me, they may wish I didn't tell them things some times because they are uncomfortable, but in the end, I pray that they know that I loved them to the best of my ability. I may have stumbled through my expression of it, but hopefully in their hearts they will know that I truly cared how their lives turned out. 

And, like Scrooge, I want to be a learner. I know I need to keep growing, changing and updating my views of myself and others. Truth never changes, but methods to deliver truth does change. I want to stay current on the most effective ways to unlock truth for peoples hearts. 

Finally, I want to say that I am grateful for Christmas. Like our reformed Scrooge, I want to honor the message of Christmas - generosity, kindness, community... all of it. I am glad for a chance to reflect and remember those who have worked so hard, and continue to work hard to make Christmas our best time of year. My family, my husband's family, my church family, and my friends past, present and future are all so significant.  

These are the lessons my ghosts of Christmas are teaching me. 

And sorry, but I can't help myself...

"God bless us, every one!"

Sunday Thoughts - Volume II

In a strange turn of events, my husband has fallen asleep on the couch, and I am still awake. We have been married for 8.5 years now, and I don't think I have ever seen him fall asleep before 9:00 before. This is a role reversal, I am usually the one falling asleep on the couch.

If you are just tuning in, I wrote a sunday thoughts blog a few weeks ago, and this is the second in the series. Mostly I couldn't come up with a better name for the eclectic group of information that I wanted to write about. So, this seems like the best solution.

We just finished our youth/young adult conference last night at our church. I love things like that. I love seeing young people make life changing decisions. I love the music, I love the preaching. I love that I am not a teenager anymore. I love that even though I do try to look "cool", I don't really have to worry because as soon as anyone finds out I have four young children they are just amazed that I actually took a shower and left my house.

The funniest part of the weekend was on Thursday and Friday night during the worship service. I think about 6 boys, all over 6' 4" came and stood right in front of me. I am not tiny, I am  5'5", but I have never felt so invisible. They just kept backing up and backing up into me, which was so awkward I got a serious case of the giggles. Then THEY RAISED THEIR HANDS! If you can't picture that imagine me standing right in their armpit, and you can see why I found the whole thing so awkward. The guy that was closest to me finally bumped his back on my nose at which point he turned around, horrified that he had not even seen me there. But then he promptly turned around and moved about an inch away from me and carried on just as he was before he bumped me.  You may have had to be there, but it still makes me giggle a little thinking about it.

The other funny thing about youth conferences is all of the adults at the conference. There are the speakers that you can tell have to spend lots of money on their clothes, and hair product to stay trendy. I want to say that I do see the value in trying to stay somewhat current with the trends, kids do listen if they know you are trying. However, I do find it a bit awkward when the trend is skinny jeans on not so skinny bodies. nuff said. (not really nuff said - when they don't fit properly, you have to pull your pants up all the time and there is a mild amount of discomfort at the thought of those pants falling off here in front of God and everyone)

Anyway, once I found the clothes I thought I could wear without looking like a mom who is ready to clean up puke and put away laundry for 8 hours straight - I went and had a lovely time.

I love having my girls there for the services - I love that they already have role models that they watch when the worship service is happening. Emma points her finger and makes declarations, and on the slow songs she crosses her hands over her heart and rocks back and forth. I try not to make a deal out of it for fear that she will think it is "cute" and she stops doing it genuinely from her heart. But I do peek out of the corner of my eye just to watch her. It is beautiful.

The boys are going to be 6 months old in a week or so. They are so charming, and sweet. I still want to bite them all the time. There are so many times I wish I could freeze everyone just where they are. Well, maybe freeze them but they could already be potty trained. It would be no fun to have a frozen toddler who didn't know how to use the potty.

Anyway, I am getting tired and Shawn is hitting his deep sleep. I could do what he has done and leave me on the couch only to wake up at 3:00 AM and think "how did I get here??"

Why I am not raising good kids

I hear this phrase all the time "they are good kids".

I am sure they actually are good kids. Good kids with good parents. Good kids compared to other kids.

You know those kids who do bad things. They don't obey their parents, they run around and make trouble. The ones who could be a bad influence on good kids.

There is a deep problem with this thought. Look at Romans 3

¹⁰ As it is written:

“There is none righteous, no, not one;
¹¹ There is none who understands;
There is none who seeks after God.
¹² They have all turned aside;
They have together become unprofitable;

There is none who does good, no, not one 

This offends me. Does it offend you? 

What do you mean no one is good? I hold my tongue most of the time when I could really let someone have it...I don't go drinking on the weekends or ever really...I get up to pray (sometimes), I go to church and I am friendly to my neighbors (when I remember to)...

Don't you count all of my good deeds? Don't you see how hard I am trying? 

"I see you, what you do is a reflection of how much you see Me."

If Jesus didn't come for good kids/people, He didn't come for any of us.  I deceive myself when I try to be better than, good enough, trying harder.

If I don't see this, I will raise good kids that think they are better than others, and they are not. I think my kids are amazing, and I adore their little sinful hearts, but sinners they are. Selfish to the core. Willing to lie to get their way, even when they know better. 

Why does Emma run and hide in her room when she takes something she shouldn't have? She, in her own little garden of Eden, hides behind a table in her room with the coveted Sharpie primed to redecorate her room as quickly as she can before I find her. 

The garden of Eden is played out every hour when you are raising a toddler.

"Where are you?" 

When this question is answered in silence, I know that secrecy is involved. 

And because I love her, I go and find her. 

So did our Father. He comes to find me everyday just like He visited Adam and Eve in the garden, and asks the most important question of all time...

"Where are you?"

Is He dull, or limited when He asks this question? No, He is looking for me so He can restore  relationship with me. Even though I am the one who did wrong. 

He comes to find my broken, sinful heart.

That will never get old to me. He is not angry, he is desperate to offer relationship with me even when I am the one, who my own sin, broke the relationship in the first place. 

This is the GOOD NEWS! 

I am totally, absolutely wrong. 

Wonderful. 

I am free from trying to be better, trying to be good. I live in Christ and He is good. Because He is good, I participate in His goodness and He makes me new. 

And, I am free from raising good kids, better kids, kids who would never do that.

With all my heart, I want to raise kids who know that there is someone so much bigger than them, someone who can free them from the treadmill of their own striving for goodness, someone who can make their biggest messes beautiful in His time. 

I don't want good kids. I want kids who love Jesus. And I want kids that know how to love others because they themselves have been loved.  Let this revelation drive them:

Lord, I was destined for your wrath, but because of your great love, you came and found me and loved me. I cannot earn You, I will never deserve you. All my righteousness comes because I know You. 

So, here I am, I find myself an object of your affection. So undeserving, but so grateful. I will live to love you all my days, let my life be a reflection of your kindness and mercy. And when I die, let it be said of me that I fulfilled the purposes of God in my generation.

Amen

sunday thoughts

I used to dream about hosting a morning talk show. I realize now that it wont happen, but I always like the part when they banter at the beginning about their weekend etc...

So this is my version. It is Sunday night, the kids are in bed. I had a nap today so I actually feel somewhat awake so it is a good time to blog about my week and review life and the lessons I learned here at the Harvey House. I will admit now that most of the thoughts will come from the last few days since i seem to be losing my long term memory. By long term, I mean last Monday.

Emma came and told me that her bum was talking and she needed to go poo.


Samuel and Issac (ok, frustrating! i keep spelling his name wrong. my son! what kind of a mother am i??) Isaac discovered each other this week. They were laying in their crib, holding hands (ahhhh!) and then Samuel made eye contact with Isaac and giggled, and then Isaac giggled back. I am sure that rainbows and butterflies flew out of my eyes. I love having twins.

Speaking of the twins, I just want to say that I love having boys. I know the girls love me, but my goodness the adoration that those boys look at me with! I can understand why there are so many comments made about mothers in law(not my mother in law, other mothers in law just to be clear) - i am pretty sure i will be that creepy lady from the book "I love you forever"- in twenty years you will very likely see me driving across town with a ladder on the top of my by then ancient mini van so I can rock my baby boys back and forth, back and forth..."as long as I'm living my baby you'll be" .....you need to read the book.  

last night we had friends over for dinner.  We love every minute we can spend with them. They are in grandparent stage and nothing phases them. When Alina (our never grumpy, made of rubber, bounces back from anything kind of a girl) kept rubbing her tummy saying "mommy, tummy hurt" I didn't think she really meant it.

That was a mistake.

Just as we all sat down to dinner, she walked over and threw up all over the floor by my feet.

We all just popped into "clean up vomit" mode and go on with dinner (not a parent? just wait,  you will understand one day, trust me it is super fun!)

Alina is in a funny phase, but I think all of her phases have been funny so far. You know people who are just funny? Well, Alina is one of those. For no one's benefit, she walks around the house with a box on her head and runs into walls just to make herself laugh. And she insists on going potty all the time now, for fun. Sometimes she gets the timing right - I am sure by accident, but it encourages her in her self-potty training adventure so I am spending copious amounts of time in the bathroom waiting for lightning to strike.

Today we went to the park. We call it the blue park, and we all love it. We drive across town, it is right next to a Starbucks and the toys are great for the stage the kids are in.

It also makes me nostalgic. Look at this picture we have of Emma in this park from spring a year ago.  She looks so tiny going down the slide. She needed help to get around all of the toys, get up on the slide etc... This year there is no turning back. As soon as we arrive she is off playing and showing Alina how to do everything.

Next year, at this time the boys will be walking (probably) and we will be out of baby phase for good. And then I am done. Every new thing they do is the last time I will do it. They roll over, and that is the last of our babies to roll over for the first time (I am not making this stuff up, I actually think about this stuff) I am so aware of the sweetness of this season. My children are close and they love spending time with us. These days will pass so quickly.

I am also really challenged about the producing the fruit of the Holy Spirit in my life (Galatians 5:22). Encouragement can be a gift along with hospitality, or leadership. But patience is not a gift, love is not a gift, nor is kindness or peace. All of those must be grown in my day to day life. Sometimes, under the guise of "discipline" kindness goes out the window. Lots of times, because I want to do something else,  not something important, just what I want to do...patience takes a back seat to my own agenda. I am so convicted about this...how can I expect to raise patient, kind and loving kids if they see irritation, impatience and unloving behaviour in me?

Grrrrr! There are days that I seriously just want them to come and put their pajamas on the first time I ask them! After the 100th "naked parade" as much as I love hearing them laugh, I am done! I am tired, I don't want to laugh any more, I just want to have some quiet before I fall into bed and do it all again tomorrow. But then, of course, when I am putting them down and their little hearts quiet down, we make eye contact, we pray and we have those moments that make parenting worth the craziness that happens every day.

So, there you have it. The world through my eyes this week. I am about to go and close said eyes.

Goodnight.

the world we live in

I find myself in a strange position. I used to have zero children. Now, in a relatively short amount of time i have four children. You could say that we planned for this, but we didn't really. We factored it in as a possibility kind of in the same way that I could plan to take a little weekend getaway to Mars.

When one struggles under infertility for 6 years, the idea of having twins is so remote it is a little hard to put into words.

So, all of that to say when people look at me like "um...birth control?" I just want to say "Hey! no one is as surprised as me ok?"

On Monday we were out with all four kids (something we don't do often), and we were talking to a couple that we had just met, at the end of the conversation they said "and you are finished having kids now right?". Well, yes, we are, but frankly that is none of your bees-wax and what if we weren't? what is the big deal with having lots of kids?

I'll tell you what the big deal is...we are selfish.

Go ahead, get mad at me, but what I say is true.

We don't have big families anymore because it isn't responsible, or maybe we fear we will lose our identity in the craziness of parenting...whatever.

big families are not for everyone, i get that. but where has the value for family gone? and why is it irresponsible if someone wants to have a big family?

i will tell you another story.

Costco parking lot: dad dealing with a son who is having a temper tantrum. i look over my shoulder at the situation, relieved that my kiddo's are at home and it is not my turn to deal with a screaming child in the Costco parking lot. Then an employee walks by me and says "that is why i never had kids".

Really? oh lady, i am so sad for you. if all i saw of children was at the grocery store, wal-mart, or the costco parking lot, i would not want to be a parent either. BUT, there are so many other moments that dwarf tantrums, crying, sleeplessness, the lack of money, or all of the other things that make parenting hard.

Emma decided her word for today was unfortunately. "Unfortunately, we won't be able to go to the bank" (she just turned 3. where does she come up with this stuff?) Alina has been a horse for a few days now, so she sounds like this "nay, nay, hi mommy, nay, nay" and she gallops away. every day emma asks me to look for kisses on her face before she goes to bed. There must be hugs and songs and prayers and deep looks into each other's eyes. Alina needs big hugs and books read to her, a little tummy scratch and lots of "i love you's". Our boys giggle and smile now. I would live on two hours of sleep for another year just to hear one of those little boys giggle again.

it is the temporary vs. the eternal. I am uncomfortable often. I am overwhelmed with my responsibilities daily, but i know that i am a vital part of shaping 4 little lives. this is the highest calling i will ever walk in. I could have traded all of this in for more vacations, nicer furniture or some peace and quiet (trust me, sometimes i wonder why i didn't). We did this because we know that even if it is hard in the moment, the joy far outweighs the sacrifice and the sacrifice makes everything more joyful in the end.

So, when people look at me and wonder what I was thinking when they see me with all my little bundles, i smile and think "do you get to look for kisses on someone's face before you go to bed tonight? because i do."  I wouldn't trade it for the world.