Keri Harvey's guide to surviving these crazy days

I don't usually give out advice on being a mom. I don't ever really feel like a sage parent with wisdom flowing through my veins...yeah. I never feel like that. It makes me a bit uncomfortable to even wade into it, because we moms are not fierce about anything the way we are fierce about our children. Naturally, we all have strong opinions about how to raise our kids. I like to have any conversations like that in person.

What I do want to talk about is how to take care of of our mom hearts. This, I feel a little more qualified to do. I have been in the heart - tending business for my entire adult life.

With this in mind I want to spend a few minutes talking about the things that help me as I live this wonderful but exasperating journey with 4 children under the age of 4. They are, in fact all within 2.5 years of each other.

This is crazy making material. I can honestly say, I have been looking in the mirror lately and wondering..."what happened to you?" More about that later.

Here is a convicting challenge:

Proverbs 4:23 

Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. 

Yikes. Above all else?

Even more than making sure my husbands needs are met, my children are safe and my house is clean?

This is a challenge I do not succeed at on a regular basis, especially lately.

I want to share some of the simple things that I do that help my heart stay clear, and keep my mind focused on what matters most. Before I do that, I want to explain why this is on my mind today.

I will warn you that I am going to be very honest, not to gain sympathy or even words of encouragement, but to the end that it might help someone else know that they are not alone, and that we can all do this together.

Last night, when Shawn and I were going to bed, I confessed to him some very hurtful things that were going through my mind lately. These thoughts, so cruel, so demeaning, that they were threatening my selfhood, my dignity, even my future success.

I told him that I feel ugly. I told him that I wonder sometimes if the kids will be embarrassed of me when they get older because I am an "old mom". I have been wondering if I am hindering future opportunities that could come my way because I am having a hard time getting  handle on diet and exercise as part of my daily regimen. I hate to even confess this, but I have wondered if Shawn is embarrassed of me because of these two things.

It all started when I posted a picture on Facebook. I love the message of this picture: my four beautiful children surrounding me in the morning. I said "I wish I could show my infertile, 5 years ago self, this picture" that this would be a reminder not to worry about anything.

Such a great sentiment...the problem? I have a huge double chin, and a muffin top. Every time I looked at the picture, that was all I could see.

I told Shawn this, embarrassed, since I really do know better than to dwell on this garbage and I know how to take thoughts captive. I knew better, but I think I was too tired to fight, so I just let those thoughts run rampant in my sleep deprived mind. I watched as he winced and sighed with the compassion of one who sees me so differently. By his presence, he reminded me that I can't earn these titles: Mom, wife, speaker, leader. These titles are given by situation and maintained by my love for God and those that fall within the realm of this influence.

All of this is to say, I haven't been guarding my heart. Robbers have come and ransacked my confidence, stolen my joy, and brought back my old enemy insecurity.

And I let it happen.

In the busy-ness of running after the kids and keeping my home, I have not been guarding my heart.

There is clutter, and garbage all over the place. The truth is, those liars need to go.

How?

First I needed to ask for help through confession. It was so good to tell Shawn what was going on inside my brain. It was hard to say it out loud, embarrassing even. I told him so he can pray, and hold up a mirror of truth to me. Yes, we could work to put more emphasis on nutrition and exercise, but this does not make me a failure as a wife and a mom. In short, he was able to clear the cobwebs out of my brain and kindly remind me what is most important. Had I not confessed, I may not have been able to get my brain free from its cluttered self.

It was important to empty out the bad stuff, but just as important I need to work on keeping my heard protected, so let's talk about that.

Like I said at the beginning, I am not really big on calling this advice, so let's call these lifelines.

These are my lifelines that help me get through my days,  the guards that I have put into place that will keep the clutter out of my heart. Yours may be different, but if you haven't already, I would encourage you to think about how you can guard your own heart.

Filling vs. Draining my tank - This thought came to us from a book called "Leading on Empty" by Wayne Cordeiro. The concept is pretty simple: figure out what fills your tank (energy and driving force that keeps you going forward with joy and enthusiasm) and what drains your tank.

I have to say this has been a bit of a challenge for me to figure out, especially in this season. Many of the things that fill my tank involve alone time (did I mention that I have four small children?), or spending money on things like shopping, coffee, pampering (did I mention that I have four small children?). It is simply not possible for me to go and get a pedicure when I know my children need new shoes.  That is just not going to happen.

So, I needed to find new things that fill my tank. Here are a couple of them in no particular order:

Instant Coffee - ie: Keurig. Kind of kidding here, but we got one of these for Christmas and I sure love it! Before, I could spend an hour trying to get other things done just so I could make a pot of coffee in a clean sink. Now, I can have coffee first, no matter what the kitchen looks like. Life is just better with a cup of coffee in hand.

Podcasts - I find that I really don't get a lot of good, quiet prayer time in. I admire those of you who do, I just haven't found a rhythm with that. If I podcast messages from people like Brian Houston from Hillsong, or Focus on the Family parenting segments, I get my mind on higher things. I get to think about bigger concepts than diapers and dinner. I do this while I am getting ready in the morning. It takes me about 20 minutes, and I listen while I am fixing my hair etc... I really can't explain how much this has meant to me over the last year.

A clean house - Ok, don't roll your eyes at me. I don't have any critical thoughts if someone is a little looser on cleaning, or doesn't really even care about it. I don't clean to impress others, I clean because I really like it when I can have a clean house. I am not a great organizer, I just like a clean floor, fresh sheets and a shiny bathtub. The whole house isn't clean very often, so when it is, for the two nano-seconds before the children tear through it, I just love it. Knowing this, Shawn has started taking the kids for a couple of hours on our day off so I can clean the whole house, by myself, in silence. Seriously...total bliss for me. If I can sit for a few minutes in a quiet, clean house and read before they get home it is a total jackpot day for me.

Drives to no where in particular - Sometimes, on crazy days, when dinner is over and all that is left is bath time and winding down to bedtime, I will go out and wander around Target for 30 minutes or drive up to the mountains. Just quiet, empty brain time helps so much. Then I come home and help get the kids to be with my good mom brain on instead of crazy mom brain.

Time with my husband - Life is just better when we remember that we were a team before we became the brute squad.

The Mom community -  I was dropping Emma off at pre-school the other morning, and as I was walking back to the car, I made eye contact with two of my other mom friends. We all sighed at each other and told how our mornings were. Emma and I had a battle over combing her hair (I admit in my weaker moments I threaten to shave her head). I barely touch her head and she starts screaming, running away from me, asking for Alina to come and hold her back (this one is strange to me - but an indicator that Emma believes that her happiness is dependent on everyone else rallying around to support her). I was discouraged, mad at myself for my own impatience, and frustrated with the demands of my 4 year old. Would you believe that the other two moms had the EXACT same issue that morning. Misery loves company I guess, because I felt so encouraged that I wasn't alone in this crazy little issue.

I could seriously go on and on about the times when I really needed a word of encouragement, or some kind of hope that it is going to be all right, and another mom shows up in a simple way at just the right time. They probably don't even know they are doing it most of the time. But I sure appreciate watching how other moms handle things, how they love their kids, and how they navigate tough situations.

I told one of my mom friends that Tuesdays are hard days for me and do you know what she did? She showed up the next Tuesday with "Treats for tough Tuesdays". Her kids actually made cookies for us, and she brought soup and buns. I could have wept. Such kindness on a hard day.

Laughing - I mean like, deep belly, snorting, wetting my pants kind of laughing. I need to find ways to laugh a little every day.

As for the things that drain:

Turn all of those things on their head, add a few crazy days when the kids are out of control, and then throw a picture of me on Facebook that makes me feel old and huge and well... you get the idea.

Today, my tank is full. It was a snow day, I got time with the family and my husband this weekend, Shawn ran errands with the girls while the boys were napping, so my house is kind of clean (I can actually see the kitchen sink, and my feet aren't sticking to the floors), I listened to some great teachings, and I slept pretty well last night.

Most of all I admitted my struggles to my husband and I prayed. My brain is clear for the first time in awhile.

My chin is still doubled, my tummy is still muffin topped, my oldest still freaked out when I brushed her hair, but I was a little more ready for it because I reinforced the guards around my heart.

Guarding my heart determined the course of my day, and each guarded day determines the course of my life.

Ok, back to reality, my family needs some dinner.

Grace to all who read this and are running hectic, busy families. May your tank be full, may your coffee flow in abundance, and may none of your children wake up in any state of sickness that includes vomit. Amen.

Valentines Day, romance and clogged tubs...

My friends, the Shinness' have two daughters and two sons. When the daughters became old enough to think about getting married (so, let's say like, two and half) they started saying with sweet pining "I want to marry someone just like daddy when I grow up", to which their witty mother said "Oh girls, daddy wasn't daddy when I married him".

Funny. And true.

It makes me laugh and it makes me think.

Valentines Day is coming which seems to stir up a lot of emotion and energy about romance and all things "happily ever after".  I loved Valentines Day when I was a kid, but as I got older and it started to become more the "singles awareness day" holiday, it quickly became a day to dread, especially after I hit 30 and was still waiting for Mr. Wonderful.

So, in honour of my single friends (or married if you are interested), I have some thoughts about romance and finding the right one. I got married when I was 33, so I might have had a few hours to think about this topic. This may lean a bit heavy toward a woman's heart, since I am one of those.

1. I don't really believe there is ONE right one, until you marry them and then they are the right one, even if it feels like the wrong one. Post-altar is the wrong time to decide whether or not you made a mistake. God didn't give us free-will to take it away when it comes to this crucial decision. What if your ONE didn't think you were the ONE? What if the ONE, went and married someone else? This is all very confusing. My main point is here: don't go to every event thinking "Maybe I will meet the ONE". You may have met already, and you just don't see each other in that way yet. Or maybe it is not time yet. Either way, you could end up missing a lot of great memories looking for something that isn't there.

2. One thing I could never understand was when people would say "as soon as you are not looking, he will appear" or "as soon as you really surrender this issue, he will come".  Oh man! The hours I spent squeezing my eyes till I thought they would bleed trying to convince myself I didn't want to get married... what a waste of time.  OF COURSE I WANT TO GET MARRIED! Most of the promises for a woman's heart are tied up in relationship.  In my world marriage is important in the steps to a family. I wanted a husband to run through life with, and children to give my life to. What part of this should I deny? I think a more helpful statement (which could be what they meant) is to say: "As with everything in the kingdom, there is timing. Our timing vs. God's timing. Anything worth having is worth waiting for. In the meantime, become the best lover of God and his people that you can be. Be content, pour your heart out to the Lord and give your heart and your timeline to Him. Build His kingdom and He will build yours".

3. I think most people look for a formula that will assure them the most painless way possible to the altar.  This makes sense to me. Who wants to get hurt? Who wants to invest any time, energy and emotion into something that isn't going to work in the end? No one. This is where it gets hard. Sometimes relationships start and go like gangbusters and end up following a pattern that can seem desirable, even predictable. Let's say a couple starts dating in the summer, they get engaged by spring and they are married the following summer. There may be a few rough patches along the way, but overall it goes smoothly and they look as happy as any two people can be. This looks great! So, when another relationship starts, and it doesn't go that way, it can look wrong or maybe somehow the plan didn't work. Or, let's say, two very honourable people start a relationship and for whatever reason, it doesn't work out. It hurts, tears will fall, hearts will break, but This is not failure. It is painful yes, but in time, both parties will probably come to realize that they both need to be with someone who is CRAZY about them. When a heart is hurting, this is not the time to tell them that. But ended relationships can very well be an opening for a successful and beautiful relationship in the future.

This may seem too obvious to say... but not every relationship goes to marriage. Not fun, but better to know before you get into it.

4. When you are looking for a spouse, what you need is a foundation of respect. Cute is great, beautiful...sure. Chemistry plays a part and friendship is important. Nothing replaces respect. Nothing. The best foundation for any relationship is respect. Looks come and go. Nice cars, abilities that make the heart swoon (like singing or being an eloquent speaker, wealth, etc...) are a bonus. But NOTHING compares with respecting the person you are sharing your life with. If you see flaws in character:  dishonesty, a hot temper, wandering eyes, rude behaviour,  loose with private information, or a lack of common sense, I would say slow down, maybe even back out. Those things don't just go away. They can change in time, but if a relationship proceeds with the knowledge that these things exist, there is not any real incentive to change is there?

5. Work on you. Instead of focusing on what you can't have, think about what you can do. Get healthy, learn how to budget, volunteer, learn how to govern your emotions, grow deep in your faith, build meaningful, lifelong friends, find a deep belly laugh. I truly think the wrong thing to do is to sit on your proverbial thumbs, looking pretty, waiting for someone to ask you to dance. I suppose this one is typically for the girls, but let me echo Audrey Hepburn who said "Happy girls are the prettiest". Happy people make great marriage partners. People with purpose tend to be happy, you see the pattern here.

6. You will never hear me talking poorly about my husband. I think it is a wise choice.  However, it kind of gives the impression that things are never hard. Maybe it looks like we just dance on daisies and never have to figure out why the garbage isn't being taken out. This one is challenging. If a girl in a new relationship expects her boyfriend to treat them the way that Shawn treats me now, it will probably not turn out well. Shawn wouldn't have even passed that test. When we were dating, it was all so new for both of us. It was awkward and sloppy and did I mention...awkward?

I was fearful on the best of days, terrified of rejection and so insecure. He was learning to carry my heart and he admitted many times feeling clumsy in it. We did argue, we had to figure each other out. We had long conversations looking for clarity and insight into each others souls. But we respected each other, we saw each other. We saw the potential in each other and as each month unfolded our respect grew. This was the soil that our relationship flourished in. I am happy to say that we have only grown in that since then.

Having said all of that, I want to say that marriage was the venue that Shawn found his strength. He has changed so much as he has carried the burden of being a husband and a father. To expect that any young man who has not deeply known a woman within the marriage commitment and then had a chance to be a father, could keep up with that is totally unrealistic. We have survived challenges from within and from without: getting to know each other under the shadow of my mom having cancer, infertility, four kids in 2.5 years...shall I go on? This changes us. Women handle things differently than men. I heard a quote recently that went something like this: "A woman simply is, but a man must become" (Stephen Mansfields - Book of Manly Men pg. 34).

Married men and fathers have become something amazing. These men know how to lean in when their woman is hurting, they know how to pick up the slack when she just can't, they work all day and still come home to play on the floor with the kids until dinnertime, they know their family and they know how to save the day, one day at a time. Those single guys around you have all of that inside of them. In the right setting, with the right mixture of humility and courage, they have every chance to be like those other great men that you admire.

Romance is fun and giddy in a new relationship. Lots of fun butterflies and did I mention, awkward? In marriage, the romance gets better and deeper all the time, even if it doesn't come dressed up with roses and chocolates in hand.

So, courage dear hearts. Hang on to your hope - hang on to your heart and your convictions. One day you could be spending your Valentines Day like we did a couple of years ago...me, flat out on the couch, pregnant with twins, and Shawn downstairs in the basement suite cleaning a huge hair clog out of the renters tub. All that to say...Valentines Day is fun, but it is mostly a red and white, expensive holiday that you probably care about way more when you are single. Don't let it rip you up.

Redeemer

It feels a little embarrassing to admit that I sang "My Redeemer Lives" in all sorts of versions for years without even knowing what I was singing.

Redemption is one of those Christian words that can be a little hard to understand. To sing "My Redeemer lives" never quite makes sense, until He is your redeemer, redeeming you.  It seems like redemption is something that comes in layers, over time, like a beautiful romance in a deep and lasting relationship.

Let me explain what I mean...

I fell in love at Christmas once. It all seemed too perfect, great memories, marriage in the air, sweet promises being spoken. By February, all the momentum came to a heartbreaking halt. Past mistakes, secrets too deep for words, two broken hearts left to mend in their own ways, away from each other.  Christmas was just not the same for a few years. My heart just couldn't rally to enjoy it.

But then Shawn. Our story is long and fun to tell, but I will save it for another day. The important fact for this moment is that Shawn arrived (when else?) at Christmas. My Redeemer rushed in at the point of hurt and loss and turned a hard season into a beautiful season. Only He can do this.

My mom, Sandra Elaine Buchanan, passed away at the end of June, 9 years ago now. One year later, almost to the day, God gave us a new little life, Abigail Elaine, my sisters daughter. She is joy, she is clever, and she carries so much of the same heart that my mom had. Only a divine Redeemer can do something like that. So perfect, so intricate, so timely.

This is an excerpt from a blog entry in May of 2011:

"5 years ago tomorrow - 2 days before Mothers Day - 2 years into our infertility issues - our first adoption fell through. We were devastated. We hoped and prayed for this baby (a beautiful little boy), and for reasons that were beyond what we could see at the time, it just was not meant to be. We left that hospital so aware of our barrenness, so broken and desperate.

Tomorrow, May 11th, 5 years later we are having two little boys. The EXACT date of our heartbreak, God has redeemed and made new.

I used to dread Mother's Day. Well meaning people would make sure I got a rose that they give to moms at our church..."you are a spiritual mom". Don't get me wrong...that is no small thing, I cherish that title. But to have my own baby, to cuddle and raise and watch from infancy on - that is what I wanted. That is what we begged God for.

This year, I will be a new mom of 4. FOUR children! Not bad for a lady who thought she may never have one.

And He, in the way that only He can, has pulled out the stops for us. Emma will be 3 in August, Alina turned one in December, and these little men will join us tomorrow. 4 babies in less than 3 years." 

How does it happen? That I could be 6 weeks before my due date, I just happen to be able to keep myself from going into labor as I submitted to two weeks of bed rest, and I check into a hospital to have two baby boys come out of me ON THE EXACT DAY that one baby didn't come home with us.

I could say more, tell more stories of provision, perfect timing, and the way that God came through at just the right time. I could tell you the lessons that I have learned from the hardest seasons of my life. There are too many, but let me tell you those seasons have defined me, refined me and made me who I am today. Every hard thing is a gold mine waiting to give me treasure.

When Job, the famous sufferer said "I know that my Redeemer lives", I believe he meant it. He knew what it was to have his fortunes restored to him. I believe he knew what it was to have suffered the loss of all things only to find that he had gained more than he ever lost.

He does give beauty for ashes. In His time.

If all you see is ash, there is a Redeemer who can make it beautiful.

To redeem means to exchange something for another something. I redeem a coupon to get a discount on something at the store. I turn in something technically worthless to receive something with worth.

Isn't this what happens?

I give my pain, my disappointment, discouragement and grief and in turn I get healing, hope and incredible memories to replace the old ones that brought me all that pain over all those years.

Incredible.
Beautiful.
Miraculous.

I am humbled, and repentant because I didn't trust well sometimes. Most of all I am so grateful. So, so grateful.

Now, I know what I mean when I say "I know that my Redeemer lives".

I am telling myself and anyone who will listen:

"Your grief is not the end, your pain is not the end, your heartache is not the end. Hold on! He is going to make this beautiful. He is going to make it better than you could ever possibly imagine.  He is running to exchange this very hard thing and turn it into something beautiful."

This is not just a nice thought, this is my life.

I have a Redeemer, and I know He lives. He lives in all of the ashes that He has made beautiful for me. He lives in all of the lessons I have learned from the challenges I have faced. He lives in the giggles of my kids, and in the kindness of my husband.

I know. I know, I know. My Redeemer lives.

I am your #1 fan

We were talking to a couple the other night, and I heard myself say this to the woman: "You need to be the president of your husband's fan club".

If you don't agree, you may want to stop reading now. This is going to a shameless plug for being crazy about our husbands.

I don't just love my husband. I LOVE my husband.

                                                                                                             As I write this, my husband is at Superstore. Let me tell you quickly how much Shawn hates Superstore - for my American friends, Superstore is like a mix of Wal-Mart and Target - it is bright, big and prices are written on small little cards so you need to read the labels carefully and pick out the right combination of things, or you don't get the special prices.

                                                                           One time, I talked Shawn into going to Superstore with me and the second he walked in, he held his head and said "I have a headache. Like, instant headache. I need to go back to the car". Then another time we went, and I am not kidding, one of the bulk bins cut his hand wide open. Blood on the floor...the whole deal. He made a quiet vow that he would never return to the bright and bloody store.

But, tonight he went to Superstore for me because I forgot to redeem a coupon we got in the paper for a $25.00 gift card. So, let me paint the scene:

He is at Superstore, in the bright lights and heading toward the customer service desk. Now, Shawn is a good Canadian guy. Doesn't like to kick up a fuss, he would rather take the $25.00 hit than go and talk to a middle aged woman at the help desk. This is, as he would say, "a total cringer". But he went. He got the money back. He got scolded by said middle aged help desk lady, but he did it - like a boss.

I could go on and on.

Perfect? No. But my hero? Yes.

Everyday of my life.

It is always a mistake to tear the men in our lives down.

It is the much talked about image of men right now: Stupid, lazy, can't figure out how to work anything in the house, even the dog is smarter than dad kind of stuff. What do we benefit from being cruel and disrespectful to the whole other half of the human race? Power? Control? Respect? Since when do these attributes bring out the best in ourselves or others?

I understand that women have been hurt, sometimes by men who made and broke promises. Maybe it was abuse, maybe betrayal,          could be disappointment or a myriad of other things.

Those experiences are very real, and life changing. I can't really say much more about it here, but my compassion is so strong for broken hearts and I would never want to say something that would cause more pain. However, I feel like I need to shout from the rooftops that "ALL MEN ARE NOT A DISAPPOINTMENT!"

Maybe it is fear of seeming like we are rubbing it in that would keep us from bragging about a good man, especially if that man is our husband, but I just need to tell you...

This man of mine saves the day one day at a time around here.

Did you know that Shawn told me once that he actually likes it when I am having my monthly emotional spike (AKA - PMS)? Isn't that crazy? He is glad to know what I actually think, not the guarded, edited, downplayed version of my controlled emotions. Amazing.

When he came to ask me out - I laid out my deepest fear - "Do I intimidate you?" maybe that sounds like a simple question to you but to me it was the most vulnerable I have ever felt in my life. His answer: "Nothing about you takes away anything from who I am"

Just like that, every lie I had ever heard in my head:
"you are too much, no man wants to take you on, you are too strong willed..." on and on it would go, tormenting me and keeping me bound up in fear and anxiety.

This good man's heart, in one moment swallowed years of heartache and loneliness. He took all of it on his strong shoulders and with every fibre in his being he stood there and said, "I am not like those other guys".

Now, just Shawn's presence calls young men to a life of strength and integrity. Boys who don't know who they are gravitate toward him to be mentored, because they see in him what they want to be.

I am so incredibly proud of this guy.

Single girls - make sure you pick a man you can be proud of.

Married girls - be grateful for, and proud of the man God gave you.

Work for it, vow to build and not destroy. LOVE him, RESPECT him, TALK to him, and let him talk to you.

Please don't send me hate mail if you are having a hard time or if you don't like men, but if you love your man - SHOUT IT OUT!

Similarly Different - what adoption means to me.

I guess it was going to happen sometime. We were driving today and Emma said it again "My eyes are brown, and Alina's and Samuel's and Isaac's are all blue"

It is true. There are six people in our family, 5 of us have blue eyes. 

Shawn's mom has brown eyes, and we have been telling her that her eyes are like her Grandma's. That is true as well, and I don't feel bad for saying it. But that is not where her beautiful, brown eyes came from. 

They came from Lucille. Emma's birthmom. In fact, everything about Emma looks like Lucille. She has long, willowy legs, and the cutest little pixie face that you have ever seen. 

Don't believe me? Take a look...

She is four now. And she is starting to realize that she looks a little different than us. So, I am trying to weave this topic into conversation. "Hey Emma...do you remember that you grew in Lucille's tummy?"

"Yeah," she says, "and Alina, and the boys grew in yours"

"Hey babe, that is why your eyes are brown. You look like Lucille, and you are beautiful, just like she is"

"Ok, mom." and today, for some reason she said "Someone planned that whole thing out."

"Yes, honey, it was all planned out."

And it was. Down to the minute. By Lucille.

Four years ago, a very brave, young mother decided to do something indescribable. This 18 year old, planned the whole thing out. We sat in a meeting at the hospital with Lucille, her mom, the head nurse, a social worker, Shawn and me. She wanted a plan, a pattern in place so when the baby was born she would know what to do.

As very humbled recipients of this indescribable gift, we listened as she said "When the baby is born and cleaned off, it will be placed on my chest for a moment and then I will hand the baby to Keri"

This was a heart wrenching situation for all of us. Shawn and I had already walked through an adoption that fell through. That means that we left the hospital once, with no baby in hand, and packed up a prepared nursery, put away sterilized bottles and cried ourselves to sleep because there was no one to keep us up. We had done that, and we were not anxious to go through it again. But there we were. This one seemed different, but there are no guarantees are there?

So, the night came, the call came. Lucille was in labor, we raced to the hospital (there is actually a longer story of course, but I will skip that for now), and we met her there in the middle of a contraction. She was so brave, so strong, and doing something that I had not been able to experience yet: childbirth. In 3 short hours, Emma was born. They laid this new, black haired beauty on Lucille's chest, one kiss and then Lucille said "give her to her mom".

And that was it. Emma has been my girl, my beautiful, funny, smart, talkative girl ever since.

It still takes my breath away.

Lucille wrote her a letter while Emma was still in her tummy, a letter for a later date. When a more mature daughter can read it and understand. In it, my favourite sentiment about adoption stands out by a mile: "I didn't give you away because I don't love you. I gave you to Shawn and Keri because I love you so much that I want you to have the best for your life, a mom and a dad together" (it has been awhile since I have read it, but that is the gist).

This is adoption. In its purest sense. But, there are lots of other issues that can clutter the process.

I remember sitting in our adoption seminar and hearing stories about questions that people ask when you are an adoptive family. I think that multi-racial families get the worst of it: "how much did you pay for them?", "they must feel so fortunate to have been adopted by you", and other crazy statements made by people who simply do not know better. My personal favourite was said to me at a baby shower not long after Emma was born. A lovely lady, trying to be funny said "It must have been easy for you...you just went to the hospital and picked up a baby". Yeah.. that was not what happened.

I have to say though, in fairness to those who have not been on the adoption roller coaster, it can be hard to sustain small talk. This reality came crashing in on me when we were camping a few weeks ago.

We were in the pool with a lot of different kinds of kids in the pool. Different languages, different colours of skin, all families, all different. This didn't strike us as odd at first, but then as we watched, we noticed they all seemed to know each other. In our small talk with the other parents we came to understand that they were a support group for adoptive families. Small talk continued with great effort to not say anything stupid or insensitive, and one mom said this all important phrase:

"It is good for us to get away, and be together, the kids get to relax. We are all similarly different"

And I realized again that we belong to a beautiful community of people who have all been through incredible heartache, and incredible joy.

Sometimes people dream of adopting children from a young age, but I think most of the time adoption becomes a viable option when other options turn out to be different than we expect.

I never quite know what to say to someone when they begin to talk about adopting a child. I kind of want to ask them if they are willing to open their chests and let a stranger, usually a young stranger, take an in depth tour of all of your deepest longings and fears. To be willing to  share a supremely intimate season, when all things are disclosed and the outcome is unknown. It is one minute faith, the next minute fear. One minute hope, the next minute despair.

But then that glorious moment comes (and it will certainly come): "Give her to her mom"

And we became parents.

It was worth every one of those emotions.

She was worth it all.

She has her birth-mom's beautiful brown eyes, but she has our hearts wholly and completely.

Yes, we are different. But we are similar in our differences with many, many other miracle families.

We are similarly different. And very grateful to be so.

there are days

Today was a great day. My great husband had a birthday today, his parents took the kids so we could drive to Seattle and have lunch with my family. That meant about 10 hours in the car, going into a restaurant, shopping at Costco, and two stops at Starbucks without any emergency potty breaks, any Strawberry Shortcake theme songs, any diaper changes, and most of all no interruptions.

It was amazing. I am still smiling.

If you haven't noticed, I am an optimist. I strive to be someone who finds the good and tries to avoid talking about negative things. I guess I just figure that talking about it, at least in this format, doesn't really fix things for me. So, I tend to tell the funny things, or the heart warming things that happen around here.

This week though, I just wondered if maybe it would help if you knew that I had a rough go. There were lots of choices to be made this week: to be kind to my children, to actually listen to my husband as he told me about his day, to not get angry at the perpetual cycle of mess that my house seems to stay in.

We were fighting some kind of stomach bug all weekend. Three of the four kids were throwing up in the night. This is, for me, the hardest thing about taking care of kids. I handle it in the moment, but oh man! I just hate vomit and changing sheets and watching the kids feel so gross. It is also the lack of sleep, and not knowing how long they will be up, or if anyone else will be up. Then it is an hour of sleep here and there, with a looooonnnnng, tired day the next day.

This was the story on Wednesday. None of us had much sleep for a couple of nights. It was also Shawn's first day back to work, after a lovely summer filled with day trips and vacations. Having two parents, and other family around for a few weeks was glorious. But...Wednesday morning came, and it was just me.

And all 4 of them.

One of them is teething. My Isaac, when in pain, howls like a little wolf. He wants to be held. He walks around like a gorilla with his hands in the air waiting for me to pick him up so he can howl right in my ear. He must think I cannot hear him unless his mouth is two inches from my ear.

Alina and Emma were overtired, and they missed their dad.  There just wasn't enough of me to go around. They wanted to colour, paint their nails, fix their hair, have a snack, all at once. When these requests were not answered within the correct time frame, the request came again only louder and repeatedly until I answered (through gritted teeth) that "there was only one of me, and I can only do one thing at a time! Right now that thing is listening to Isaac yell in my ear! Grrrr".  I looked at the clock....

It was 8:30. Awesome.

With great effort I dressed each of them, packed a snack and put them in the car. I was in a full sweat by the time every one was in, but they are Harvey's and they like the car, so things started to calm down. I called Shawn, we have hands free in the car, so Emma heard the conversation.

"Mom? Are you sick?"

"No babe, just a little overwhelmed today"

"Cause I can help"

My sweet, insightful little girl. Who in one moment can be a dictator can, in the next moment be just what the doctor ordered. I love it when she is kind.

I guess it is easy to feel like I am overlooking important things, maybe missing the mark, or not being as deliberate as I want to be when I am with the kids. I used to feel like I was failing all the time, thankfully I don't really feel that way as often now. But I do worry that sometimes I am not being the best version of myself, or that the kids are not learning the virtues that we would like for them to practice.

Then Emma says something like that. "I can help". Where did that come from?  Empathy? Compassion? Either way, I felt like I got a big pat on the back by a recently turned 4 year old. She sees, and she feels what is going on around her, and she is trying to offer solutions.

That is a good life skill - things are looking up!

One of the strangest things that people say to me, is that I am making this look easy. I am glad I guess, since I don't like the alternative. I want to assure you that no matter what it looks like on the outside, this is not easy.

So if you are a mom, and you are having a hard day,

Or if you are just a human and you are being hard on yourself,

I want to say to me and to you:

Love never fails.

This is my go-to phrase. I say it all the time, to myself, and to anyone who will listen.

I fail every day, and you do too I am guessing. But love never does. It is love that reaches into places I can't touch in my kids hearts and lives. Even when I am being too hard on myself or them,

Love never fails.

In the end, that is all that matters. I am loved, I don't have to be perfect. I can have hard days, I think I can even have days that I am not the best mom. But it is love that makes up the difference, for every inadequacy, and every mistake.

Of course there are hard days that I wonder how I am even going to make it to lunch time. Somehow I make it to lunch, to dinner, to bedtime..and up to do it again the next day.

This is a marathon, and we are running it. My hard Wednesday morning turned into a beautiful day at the park meeting up with friends. Our kids all played well together, then all four of those little faces fell asleep in the car for about an hour while I drove in silence, prayed and asked for help to figure out the mess that was happening in my brain.

I got silence, even better peace, on a day that was spiralling out of control.

It does get better. We are in it together.

And hey Moms...if you love your kids (and I know you do) you are giving them the best gift they never even asked for.

camping

We just returned from a 7 day camping trip.

Let's be clear: I LOVED being away, and I enjoyed camping.

But, it is strange. Even if you are an avid camper, you have to admit, it is strange.

Our first destination was near Leavenworth, Washington. This was camping at it's finest in my world. They watered the lawns when the spots were empty, so there was lush grass and our campsite led into a little hole in the trees that opened up on to the cutest little stream. Cold water, straight from the mountains babbled sweetly to us the whole time we were there. For the kids, there was a  pool, for Shawn and I there was a nice little fire pit that we could sit by at night time and read our books. There were cute little towns to visit during the day and fun little shops where we could buy early Christmas presents. Harvey's and Buchanan's: Stay tuned for a wide assortment of jellies, BBQ sauces and salsas made out of cherries.

I was as happy as a gal could be.

I didn't mind that the campsite next to us was about two feet away. The back of our trailer hid their laundry and they kept to themselves. They didn't seem to mind that our trailer almost overlapped onto their picnic table, and we didn't ask.

We left my new found paradise after two nights. We exchanged the cool evenings in the mountains for a desert spot in the middle of Washington state. Things were about to turn.

It is important to stop here and explain some things.

When I was growing up, camping happened wherever we parked. We had a Volkswagon van, with a pop up top. So, we would take that van and go find a mountain somewhere and park in the middle of a field or something. But there was always an ice cold river near by that we would be talked into washing our hair in. Headaches always followed. My job was to pick wild flowers for the table. I see now that this was my mother's code for "go away for as long as you can so I can actually get something done or sit by myself without someone talking to me non-stop".

I am sure there were bathrooms at some point in my formative camping years. I don't remember any. I do remember learning to do my business by trees and trying to avoid getting poked by pine trees in my sensitive areas. This has all proved to be crucial information now that I am an adult. There was no complaining on these trips. We were there to have fun, and that was that. We did have fun, lots of it. In fact, the goal for all of us (Dad, Jamie and I) was to see who could make mom laugh so hard that she wet herself. She didn't appreciate this game. Not to brag, but I always won.

My dad had an incredible knack for finding a camping spot with a strong tree. As soon as we would arrive, he would set to work finding just the right branches to fashion a swing for my sister and I. This was a stroke of genius. We would play with that swing for the entirety of our time in the woods.

Shawn and his sister also have vivid memories of head aches from freezing cold streams. Theirs is a little funnier I have to say since, for sure, their water was glacier fed straight from the North Pole.

So, maybe this provides a bit of insight into why the next leg of our journey was a bit of an adjustment for me.

We arrived in our desert destination at the hottest point of the day. It was HOT. I am a bit of a heat wimp these days so I don't really like it. I was sweating within seconds of standing outside of the vehicle. When I looked around, I was surrounded by boats, inner tubes, RV's bigger than my house, and lots and lots of people.

I am talking to myself. "It will be ok. We will get set up, go for a swim, cool off, stretch out...it will be fine."

We arrive at our site to see that it is about 10 feet wide. We are parked next to a site with at least 15 teenagers and some kind of huge moving house they would call an RV, and no joke...a golf cart.

Ok.

We park. We unhook. Shawn takes one look at me and says "want to go for a drive?"

Um. yes.

Ok, so we drive to Coulee Dam. So cool. There is a great museum, lots of fun things to look at, and other than Emma picking up a sample of a big spoke from the dam on her foot and screamed blue murder in the otherwise quiet museum, and Alina wetting her pants on the ride in, things were looking up.

I am talking to myself. "It will get better. It is just not what you are used to. Shawn is happy about it, it will be ok".

We get back. I promise Shawn I will be much better after a good night of sleep.

At 2:30 in the morning, the room in our trailer lights up like a disco. What on earth? So, I open the door to find a family of 6 setting up their tents in the campsite next to us.

When I say "next to us", I mean like if I walked 10 small steps in Mother may I? I would be in their dining room.

At this little moment, in my nice trailer (which, yes, would be cheating in my past camping life), I am thinking "what in the world are we doing? This is so weird. Why are we sleeping within spitting distance of complete strangers???"

I kept trying to imagine this scenario at home. That someone would come, and set up a tent right outside my bedroom window. Then make breakfast and live their lives right there. Does anyone else think this is weird?

Our neighbors got set up. We went back to bed. I guess the joke was a bit on them when our girls got up at 7:30 and were ready to run free in nature.

The next day did get better, and the day after that, and so on. I decided to rely on good old Abraham Lincoln's knowledge when he said "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be".

I made up my mind to be happy, and friendly with our new roommates. They were nice and proved to be quite helpful when a storm kicked in a couple of nights later and our awning flew up and almost off of the trailer. The dad popped right out of his tent and made sure that Shawn didn't need any help. See, you meet the nicest people when you camp.

So, we swam and rode bikes and made yummy food. We introduced the girls to Go Fish and Old Maid. Emma loved Go Fish, Alina just loved saying Go Fish, but she never could quite figure out why she was saying it. Emma wanted to play Old Maid again, but without the Old Maid, she didn't like the part that she lost if she still had her, so she figured it was best to leave her out all together.

The highlight of the trip for me came yesterday. We were walking, my Emma and I, down to the pool for our second swim of the day. She had her cute little bathing suit on and a turtle floaty toy wrapped around her waist. She grabbed my hand and said "Mom, you and me? We are best buds right?"

Yes, oh, yes we are my darling girl. And I told her to tuck that little truth deep in her heart so that even when she grows older and wonders who loves her best, she will know it is me: her best bud.

So, now we are home. We left our little boys in the very capable hands of Shawn's mom and dad. It was so good to hug their little necks and to let them lavish beautiful little hugs and kisses on us.

Now, we clean up and do laundry and get ready for the new school year. But,  I have hidden a little camping spot in my heart where my girls are jumping to me in the pool, laughing at their dad, walking around half-naked in the woods with chocolate all over them, and my husband's smile with his handsome, tanned face.

My own little paradise, that I shared with 500 people and their dogs, and bikes, boats and moving mansions.