To age with grace

I see it happening, and sometimes I feel powerless to stop it. I remember watching older people when I was young, I remember thinking "why do they seem sad, angry, irritated?". I was unbridled in my  optimism when I was young.  I am still an optimist.  I still ruffle when someone says "I am not an optimist, I am a realist".  This has always sounded like permission to be negative. But I get it, I do.

I want to say at the beginning that this post may seem a little sad, but I am not sad just contemplative.

Right now, I am in a great season. Everything I have ever asked for, I have been given. I have a great, intentional, relationship with my husband. I have four beautiful children, a gift beyond words after many years of waiting. We have a home big enough to accommodate all of us, and food on our table. I have nothing, really nothing to complain about.

And yet, I see sometimes that my sails don't fill as full as they used to. I find myself fighting to keep my thoughts in the positive column. I have wondered lately just how to get this ship of a heart into a safe harbour for healing. It is hard in a way to even admit that I need repair. Externally, I certainly have nothing to complain about. It is my heart that betrays me and keeps me spinning inside.

Life hits hard sometimes doesn't it? Grief that comes from death, loss of those you couldn't imagine living without. Grief of lost relationships you thought would last a lifetime. Betrayal from those who swore their loyalty and trust. Disappointment from unmet expectations. Rejection, actual or perceived. Misunderstanding from well meaning people who just bump up against the sensitive parts of our soul.

It is so easy to stay in survival mode, get to the next season, press through and hold it all together. I think this is the part I am good at. I can weather storms with determination and courage. I have done it, I will do it again. It is the aftermath, when by all appearances everything is better, my heart says "Rest now. Listen to me. Protect me". This is the part I am not as good at. My instinct is to power through, dismiss and talk myself out of any quietness. I can even find good reasons, Biblical reasons to ignore myself, take care of others and press through.

Here is the rub: The issues I stuff down deep spill out at their own discretion. I get irritated at inconvenience (and trust me, with four little people running around me all day my stuffed issues find lots of opportunities to find the light of day). I snap and fume over silly things. Then I feel guilty because I hate the tone I am setting in my house. I berate myself for being negative when really, why should I? My life is great.

But unresolved.

So, I see it. I see so clearly how it happens. We get older, we stuff more. We leave more and more complicated issues unresolved and those issues fly out on the freeway to unsuspecting strangers who cut us off. It spills out when we deliberately cut other people off in line ups because we cannot control our children, but we can make sure this stranger knows that they WILL treat me the way I feel I should be treated. Our world gets smaller and smaller. Our friend group gets smaller if there is one at all. It is risky to have people in our lives. They could hurt us, they could disappoint us. But we are so made for relationships that we can't help ourselves, we keep reaching, calling and opening up because we truly need each other.

When I was younger and my whole life was spreading out in front of me, I had so many ambitions. Ambition is not bad of course. I actually encourage it. It is important, vital I think, to reach for something bigger than any person could ever accomplish. Now, I think I would also tell my young, ambitious self if I would listen, that dreams are so important, goals are so important, destiny and reaching for it is one of the best things in life. I would also tell myself that life itself will try to rob you of every one of those dreams and work overtime to make sure that when you get there you won't enjoy them because your heart will be worn out. Life will try to take life.

But we must not let it. We must not. We need to keep our hearts resolved and clear. We must continue to risk and to reach. We need to give of ourselves and expect nothing in return. We need to reconcile when we can, forgive always, wage war until we find true joy again. Focus on what matters most, let go of the rest and most importantly, we must fight to keep our world from shrinking.

My husband and I are directors for a mentoring program at our church. One of the questions we ask the students at the beginning of their year is "what do you look like free?" I would ask myself a similar question - "What do you look like the day you will die?" This is what I want to be:

I want to be large hearted. I want to be generous, kind, thoughtful. I want people to know that when they are with me that they are truly cared about and loved. I want to be surrounded by those whom I love the most, knowing that we have fought the onslaught of sadness and negativity and stabbed our faith right through the heart of it. I want to raise giants, my own children and anyone whom I have the privilege of leading. I want them to know how to run their race like those who know that there is a prize for those who overcome. I want my house to be filled with laughter, not just the kids, but MINE. I want to be known for walking in peace. Most of all I want my faith in Jesus to truly represent itself in my life in a way that He would be pleased with me.

I am grateful for summers, for a time to rest. I find that these times can be a little challenging as well.  Kind of like a big garage full of stuff that needs to be organized and de-cluttered. My heart and soul need to declutter from the past nine months (or more). I am believing that I will be stronger and more hopeful in September for the time I am spending purging this stuff now.

I pray that your heart and your own unresolved issues find the light of day this summer and that you will be able to find time to tie up loose ends, find peace and joy for the days to come.

I am back - I will be resuming my blog here at blogspot

In case you are following, I decided to move back here to blogspot. The other website wasn't working out for me. If you are reading this, thanks for sticking by me.

Beautiful Inconvenience

I am sitting in a clean house.

Well, I am sitting in a clean upstairs of the house. I am  ignoring the 6 loads of laundry and dirty bathroom calling my name downstairs. So, I am sitting in a mostly clean house thanks to my in-laws who took the two girls on a little trip to Northern BC for the weekend. The boys, the second half of the mess machine have been outside with their dad all morning so I could clean. Then Dad snuck them into the basement to put them down for their naps, so my upstairs may be clean for another two glorious hours. I laugh at myself to think howhappy I am for these two hours of cleanliness and order. 

You think I am crazy? Me too. Who cares if the house is clean? Memories are being made. True, true, yes, this is true. Some of those memories are super fun and cute, some of them include children eating garbage, me walking around with something unmentionable stuck between my toes, and carpets that we paid good money for becoming the victim of a little game we call "mash our food into the floor". We are rich with memories around here.

My good friend just had a baby boy. I got to go and visit them at her house the other day. I walked in to see baby sleeping sweetly on mommy's lap. My friend, a third time mom looked up and smiled the smile of a new mommy. "I don't remember this hurting so much" she said looking down at her new little treasure, "I am an emotional mess" she continued "I forgot this part, I just remembered the smell of a newborn and the amazing feeling of a new baby nuzzling into my neck". I smiled at her and thought, "I feel that way about every stage of parenting".

I look back and remember those sweet first smiles, and kisses. I remember the first times the kids held my hand because they wanted to. First words, first bites (of food and of the other children), first times they said "I looooovfe you mahhhhmmy". My goodness it has been incredible. I look back at pictures and videos and think "That was amazing, these kids are growing so fast.

Then I zoom back to now. These days are endless sometimes. I just get started on one thing and I need to go referee a war that has broken out over a toy that nobody wanted 5 seconds ago, now they ALL want it. Someone needs a diaper change, all day these little creatures need to eat and stay hydrated. We get dressed, we spill, we change, more laundry. I get the kitchen clean and turn around 10 minutes later and the sink is full of colourful plates, cups, and bowls again. We have a brand new dining room table that is already covered with fork dents. We painted all of the walls recently, which is a big job for two busy parents, now these freshly painted walls are also freshly decorated with sticky handprints.

When we go out, grandmas and grandpas smile at us, watch us while we interact with our children and sometimes even make their way over to talk to us. "I miss my babies" some will say. "It goes so fast", "Enjoy it while you have it, before you know it, it will be over"

I usually smile and agree. I don't think I really understood what they were saying when it first started happening. These days feel so long, and sometimes they would catch me in a crazy moment when a toddler was having a full scale meltdown over not getting new nail polish. That moment doesn't go by so fast.  But when I look back, I think I may be beginning to understand why they say it. 

Emma, our first baby, will be five next month. Her kindergarten uniform is hanging in the closet, she starts in September. I can't see her baby face or her chubby knees anymore. She has grown into her long legs and beautiful little girl face now. I have to watch videos to remember her funny, scratchy voice and her sweet baby giggle. 

Alina, my 3.5 year old says things like "I in a sticky situation" as she hides under a laundry basket,  and is known to run through the house at random times saying "SUPER ALINA! I am off to save the world!" and you know? I think she just might.

Before they left on their trip, I told them that I would miss them and they hugged me tight and said "We will be ok mommy, don't miss us too much". And while I confess the slower pace is nice, I miss their little voices around here.

Our boys are two now. They talk to us in beautiful, choppy sentences, with mixed up words. When they learn to speak clearly I will be forevermore unemployed in the "translate what in the world my child is saying" department. 

I will never have newborns again. I will never feel what my friend is feeling right now with her new little man on her lap. I miss it already. I see now that no one will ever love me or want me as much as these four little people love and want me right now. 

Even still, these days are undeniably hard. My life is not my own. I don't decide how long I sleep, where I go or how long it will take for me to get there. Nevermind that it takes us an hour to go anywhere.  My house is LOUD ALL THE TIME. The kids have little ride-on cars that they use like Nascar racers so I have bruises on my heels from getting rammed into at full speed. I have never needed so much patience and willingness to set aside what I want and need for the sake of someone else as much as I do now. 

I wouldn't trade it for the world.

The days are crazy and frustrating sometimes, but the hard is swallowed up in the beauty of the responsibility of knowing it is mine to shape these incredible little souls. I love to hear them thank a stranger without being prompted, to watch them play and navigate conflict with their little friends, or to spontaneously hug one of their siblings (even if it ends in a stranglehold). To me, it is one of the most precious sights I will see this side of heaven.

Remind us, dear friends, whose children are grown. These days seem long, but they fly. Remind us how important they are. We need you.

Ok, reflection time done. I have laundry to do. Thanks for stopping by.  

Keri Harvey's guide to surviving these crazy days

I don't usually give out advice on being a mom. I don't ever really feel like a sage parent with wisdom flowing through my veins...yeah. I never feel like that. It makes me a bit uncomfortable to even wade into it, because we moms are not fierce about anything the way we are fierce about our children. Naturally, we all have strong opinions about how to raise our kids. I like to have any conversations like that in person.

What I do want to talk about is how to take care of of our mom hearts. This, I feel a little more qualified to do. I have been in the heart - tending business for my entire adult life.

With this in mind I want to spend a few minutes talking about the things that help me as I live this wonderful but exasperating journey with 4 children under the age of 4. They are, in fact all within 2.5 years of each other.

This is crazy making material. I can honestly say, I have been looking in the mirror lately and wondering..."what happened to you?" More about that later.

Here is a convicting challenge:

Proverbs 4:23 

Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. 

Yikes. Above all else?

Even more than making sure my husbands needs are met, my children are safe and my house is clean?

This is a challenge I do not succeed at on a regular basis, especially lately.

I want to share some of the simple things that I do that help my heart stay clear, and keep my mind focused on what matters most. Before I do that, I want to explain why this is on my mind today.

I will warn you that I am going to be very honest, not to gain sympathy or even words of encouragement, but to the end that it might help someone else know that they are not alone, and that we can all do this together.

Last night, when Shawn and I were going to bed, I confessed to him some very hurtful things that were going through my mind lately. These thoughts, so cruel, so demeaning, that they were threatening my selfhood, my dignity, even my future success.

I told him that I feel ugly. I told him that I wonder sometimes if the kids will be embarrassed of me when they get older because I am an "old mom". I have been wondering if I am hindering future opportunities that could come my way because I am having a hard time getting  handle on diet and exercise as part of my daily regimen. I hate to even confess this, but I have wondered if Shawn is embarrassed of me because of these two things.

It all started when I posted a picture on Facebook. I love the message of this picture: my four beautiful children surrounding me in the morning. I said "I wish I could show my infertile, 5 years ago self, this picture" that this would be a reminder not to worry about anything.

Such a great sentiment...the problem? I have a huge double chin, and a muffin top. Every time I looked at the picture, that was all I could see.

I told Shawn this, embarrassed, since I really do know better than to dwell on this garbage and I know how to take thoughts captive. I knew better, but I think I was too tired to fight, so I just let those thoughts run rampant in my sleep deprived mind. I watched as he winced and sighed with the compassion of one who sees me so differently. By his presence, he reminded me that I can't earn these titles: Mom, wife, speaker, leader. These titles are given by situation and maintained by my love for God and those that fall within the realm of this influence.

All of this is to say, I haven't been guarding my heart. Robbers have come and ransacked my confidence, stolen my joy, and brought back my old enemy insecurity.

And I let it happen.

In the busy-ness of running after the kids and keeping my home, I have not been guarding my heart.

There is clutter, and garbage all over the place. The truth is, those liars need to go.

How?

First I needed to ask for help through confession. It was so good to tell Shawn what was going on inside my brain. It was hard to say it out loud, embarrassing even. I told him so he can pray, and hold up a mirror of truth to me. Yes, we could work to put more emphasis on nutrition and exercise, but this does not make me a failure as a wife and a mom. In short, he was able to clear the cobwebs out of my brain and kindly remind me what is most important. Had I not confessed, I may not have been able to get my brain free from its cluttered self.

It was important to empty out the bad stuff, but just as important I need to work on keeping my heard protected, so let's talk about that.

Like I said at the beginning, I am not really big on calling this advice, so let's call these lifelines.

These are my lifelines that help me get through my days,  the guards that I have put into place that will keep the clutter out of my heart. Yours may be different, but if you haven't already, I would encourage you to think about how you can guard your own heart.

Filling vs. Draining my tank - This thought came to us from a book called "Leading on Empty" by Wayne Cordeiro. The concept is pretty simple: figure out what fills your tank (energy and driving force that keeps you going forward with joy and enthusiasm) and what drains your tank.

I have to say this has been a bit of a challenge for me to figure out, especially in this season. Many of the things that fill my tank involve alone time (did I mention that I have four small children?), or spending money on things like shopping, coffee, pampering (did I mention that I have four small children?). It is simply not possible for me to go and get a pedicure when I know my children need new shoes.  That is just not going to happen.

So, I needed to find new things that fill my tank. Here are a couple of them in no particular order:

Instant Coffee - ie: Keurig. Kind of kidding here, but we got one of these for Christmas and I sure love it! Before, I could spend an hour trying to get other things done just so I could make a pot of coffee in a clean sink. Now, I can have coffee first, no matter what the kitchen looks like. Life is just better with a cup of coffee in hand.

Podcasts - I find that I really don't get a lot of good, quiet prayer time in. I admire those of you who do, I just haven't found a rhythm with that. If I podcast messages from people like Brian Houston from Hillsong, or Focus on the Family parenting segments, I get my mind on higher things. I get to think about bigger concepts than diapers and dinner. I do this while I am getting ready in the morning. It takes me about 20 minutes, and I listen while I am fixing my hair etc... I really can't explain how much this has meant to me over the last year.

A clean house - Ok, don't roll your eyes at me. I don't have any critical thoughts if someone is a little looser on cleaning, or doesn't really even care about it. I don't clean to impress others, I clean because I really like it when I can have a clean house. I am not a great organizer, I just like a clean floor, fresh sheets and a shiny bathtub. The whole house isn't clean very often, so when it is, for the two nano-seconds before the children tear through it, I just love it. Knowing this, Shawn has started taking the kids for a couple of hours on our day off so I can clean the whole house, by myself, in silence. Seriously...total bliss for me. If I can sit for a few minutes in a quiet, clean house and read before they get home it is a total jackpot day for me.

Drives to no where in particular - Sometimes, on crazy days, when dinner is over and all that is left is bath time and winding down to bedtime, I will go out and wander around Target for 30 minutes or drive up to the mountains. Just quiet, empty brain time helps so much. Then I come home and help get the kids to be with my good mom brain on instead of crazy mom brain.

Time with my husband - Life is just better when we remember that we were a team before we became the brute squad.

The Mom community -  I was dropping Emma off at pre-school the other morning, and as I was walking back to the car, I made eye contact with two of my other mom friends. We all sighed at each other and told how our mornings were. Emma and I had a battle over combing her hair (I admit in my weaker moments I threaten to shave her head). I barely touch her head and she starts screaming, running away from me, asking for Alina to come and hold her back (this one is strange to me - but an indicator that Emma believes that her happiness is dependent on everyone else rallying around to support her). I was discouraged, mad at myself for my own impatience, and frustrated with the demands of my 4 year old. Would you believe that the other two moms had the EXACT same issue that morning. Misery loves company I guess, because I felt so encouraged that I wasn't alone in this crazy little issue.

I could seriously go on and on about the times when I really needed a word of encouragement, or some kind of hope that it is going to be all right, and another mom shows up in a simple way at just the right time. They probably don't even know they are doing it most of the time. But I sure appreciate watching how other moms handle things, how they love their kids, and how they navigate tough situations.

I told one of my mom friends that Tuesdays are hard days for me and do you know what she did? She showed up the next Tuesday with "Treats for tough Tuesdays". Her kids actually made cookies for us, and she brought soup and buns. I could have wept. Such kindness on a hard day.

Laughing - I mean like, deep belly, snorting, wetting my pants kind of laughing. I need to find ways to laugh a little every day.

As for the things that drain:

Turn all of those things on their head, add a few crazy days when the kids are out of control, and then throw a picture of me on Facebook that makes me feel old and huge and well... you get the idea.

Today, my tank is full. It was a snow day, I got time with the family and my husband this weekend, Shawn ran errands with the girls while the boys were napping, so my house is kind of clean (I can actually see the kitchen sink, and my feet aren't sticking to the floors), I listened to some great teachings, and I slept pretty well last night.

Most of all I admitted my struggles to my husband and I prayed. My brain is clear for the first time in awhile.

My chin is still doubled, my tummy is still muffin topped, my oldest still freaked out when I brushed her hair, but I was a little more ready for it because I reinforced the guards around my heart.

Guarding my heart determined the course of my day, and each guarded day determines the course of my life.

Ok, back to reality, my family needs some dinner.

Grace to all who read this and are running hectic, busy families. May your tank be full, may your coffee flow in abundance, and may none of your children wake up in any state of sickness that includes vomit. Amen.

Valentines Day, romance and clogged tubs...

My friends, the Shinness' have two daughters and two sons. When the daughters became old enough to think about getting married (so, let's say like, two and half) they started saying with sweet pining "I want to marry someone just like daddy when I grow up", to which their witty mother said "Oh girls, daddy wasn't daddy when I married him".

Funny. And true.

It makes me laugh and it makes me think.

Valentines Day is coming which seems to stir up a lot of emotion and energy about romance and all things "happily ever after".  I loved Valentines Day when I was a kid, but as I got older and it started to become more the "singles awareness day" holiday, it quickly became a day to dread, especially after I hit 30 and was still waiting for Mr. Wonderful.

So, in honour of my single friends (or married if you are interested), I have some thoughts about romance and finding the right one. I got married when I was 33, so I might have had a few hours to think about this topic. This may lean a bit heavy toward a woman's heart, since I am one of those.

1. I don't really believe there is ONE right one, until you marry them and then they are the right one, even if it feels like the wrong one. Post-altar is the wrong time to decide whether or not you made a mistake. God didn't give us free-will to take it away when it comes to this crucial decision. What if your ONE didn't think you were the ONE? What if the ONE, went and married someone else? This is all very confusing. My main point is here: don't go to every event thinking "Maybe I will meet the ONE". You may have met already, and you just don't see each other in that way yet. Or maybe it is not time yet. Either way, you could end up missing a lot of great memories looking for something that isn't there.

2. One thing I could never understand was when people would say "as soon as you are not looking, he will appear" or "as soon as you really surrender this issue, he will come".  Oh man! The hours I spent squeezing my eyes till I thought they would bleed trying to convince myself I didn't want to get married... what a waste of time.  OF COURSE I WANT TO GET MARRIED! Most of the promises for a woman's heart are tied up in relationship.  In my world marriage is important in the steps to a family. I wanted a husband to run through life with, and children to give my life to. What part of this should I deny? I think a more helpful statement (which could be what they meant) is to say: "As with everything in the kingdom, there is timing. Our timing vs. God's timing. Anything worth having is worth waiting for. In the meantime, become the best lover of God and his people that you can be. Be content, pour your heart out to the Lord and give your heart and your timeline to Him. Build His kingdom and He will build yours".

3. I think most people look for a formula that will assure them the most painless way possible to the altar.  This makes sense to me. Who wants to get hurt? Who wants to invest any time, energy and emotion into something that isn't going to work in the end? No one. This is where it gets hard. Sometimes relationships start and go like gangbusters and end up following a pattern that can seem desirable, even predictable. Let's say a couple starts dating in the summer, they get engaged by spring and they are married the following summer. There may be a few rough patches along the way, but overall it goes smoothly and they look as happy as any two people can be. This looks great! So, when another relationship starts, and it doesn't go that way, it can look wrong or maybe somehow the plan didn't work. Or, let's say, two very honourable people start a relationship and for whatever reason, it doesn't work out. It hurts, tears will fall, hearts will break, but This is not failure. It is painful yes, but in time, both parties will probably come to realize that they both need to be with someone who is CRAZY about them. When a heart is hurting, this is not the time to tell them that. But ended relationships can very well be an opening for a successful and beautiful relationship in the future.

This may seem too obvious to say... but not every relationship goes to marriage. Not fun, but better to know before you get into it.

4. When you are looking for a spouse, what you need is a foundation of respect. Cute is great, beautiful...sure. Chemistry plays a part and friendship is important. Nothing replaces respect. Nothing. The best foundation for any relationship is respect. Looks come and go. Nice cars, abilities that make the heart swoon (like singing or being an eloquent speaker, wealth, etc...) are a bonus. But NOTHING compares with respecting the person you are sharing your life with. If you see flaws in character:  dishonesty, a hot temper, wandering eyes, rude behaviour,  loose with private information, or a lack of common sense, I would say slow down, maybe even back out. Those things don't just go away. They can change in time, but if a relationship proceeds with the knowledge that these things exist, there is not any real incentive to change is there?

5. Work on you. Instead of focusing on what you can't have, think about what you can do. Get healthy, learn how to budget, volunteer, learn how to govern your emotions, grow deep in your faith, build meaningful, lifelong friends, find a deep belly laugh. I truly think the wrong thing to do is to sit on your proverbial thumbs, looking pretty, waiting for someone to ask you to dance. I suppose this one is typically for the girls, but let me echo Audrey Hepburn who said "Happy girls are the prettiest". Happy people make great marriage partners. People with purpose tend to be happy, you see the pattern here.

6. You will never hear me talking poorly about my husband. I think it is a wise choice.  However, it kind of gives the impression that things are never hard. Maybe it looks like we just dance on daisies and never have to figure out why the garbage isn't being taken out. This one is challenging. If a girl in a new relationship expects her boyfriend to treat them the way that Shawn treats me now, it will probably not turn out well. Shawn wouldn't have even passed that test. When we were dating, it was all so new for both of us. It was awkward and sloppy and did I mention...awkward?

I was fearful on the best of days, terrified of rejection and so insecure. He was learning to carry my heart and he admitted many times feeling clumsy in it. We did argue, we had to figure each other out. We had long conversations looking for clarity and insight into each others souls. But we respected each other, we saw each other. We saw the potential in each other and as each month unfolded our respect grew. This was the soil that our relationship flourished in. I am happy to say that we have only grown in that since then.

Having said all of that, I want to say that marriage was the venue that Shawn found his strength. He has changed so much as he has carried the burden of being a husband and a father. To expect that any young man who has not deeply known a woman within the marriage commitment and then had a chance to be a father, could keep up with that is totally unrealistic. We have survived challenges from within and from without: getting to know each other under the shadow of my mom having cancer, infertility, four kids in 2.5 years...shall I go on? This changes us. Women handle things differently than men. I heard a quote recently that went something like this: "A woman simply is, but a man must become" (Stephen Mansfields - Book of Manly Men pg. 34).

Married men and fathers have become something amazing. These men know how to lean in when their woman is hurting, they know how to pick up the slack when she just can't, they work all day and still come home to play on the floor with the kids until dinnertime, they know their family and they know how to save the day, one day at a time. Those single guys around you have all of that inside of them. In the right setting, with the right mixture of humility and courage, they have every chance to be like those other great men that you admire.

Romance is fun and giddy in a new relationship. Lots of fun butterflies and did I mention, awkward? In marriage, the romance gets better and deeper all the time, even if it doesn't come dressed up with roses and chocolates in hand.

So, courage dear hearts. Hang on to your hope - hang on to your heart and your convictions. One day you could be spending your Valentines Day like we did a couple of years ago...me, flat out on the couch, pregnant with twins, and Shawn downstairs in the basement suite cleaning a huge hair clog out of the renters tub. All that to say...Valentines Day is fun, but it is mostly a red and white, expensive holiday that you probably care about way more when you are single. Don't let it rip you up.

Redeemer

It feels a little embarrassing to admit that I sang "My Redeemer Lives" in all sorts of versions for years without even knowing what I was singing.

Redemption is one of those Christian words that can be a little hard to understand. To sing "My Redeemer lives" never quite makes sense, until He is your redeemer, redeeming you.  It seems like redemption is something that comes in layers, over time, like a beautiful romance in a deep and lasting relationship.

Let me explain what I mean...

I fell in love at Christmas once. It all seemed too perfect, great memories, marriage in the air, sweet promises being spoken. By February, all the momentum came to a heartbreaking halt. Past mistakes, secrets too deep for words, two broken hearts left to mend in their own ways, away from each other.  Christmas was just not the same for a few years. My heart just couldn't rally to enjoy it.

But then Shawn. Our story is long and fun to tell, but I will save it for another day. The important fact for this moment is that Shawn arrived (when else?) at Christmas. My Redeemer rushed in at the point of hurt and loss and turned a hard season into a beautiful season. Only He can do this.

My mom, Sandra Elaine Buchanan, passed away at the end of June, 9 years ago now. One year later, almost to the day, God gave us a new little life, Abigail Elaine, my sisters daughter. She is joy, she is clever, and she carries so much of the same heart that my mom had. Only a divine Redeemer can do something like that. So perfect, so intricate, so timely.

This is an excerpt from a blog entry in May of 2011:

"5 years ago tomorrow - 2 days before Mothers Day - 2 years into our infertility issues - our first adoption fell through. We were devastated. We hoped and prayed for this baby (a beautiful little boy), and for reasons that were beyond what we could see at the time, it just was not meant to be. We left that hospital so aware of our barrenness, so broken and desperate.

Tomorrow, May 11th, 5 years later we are having two little boys. The EXACT date of our heartbreak, God has redeemed and made new.

I used to dread Mother's Day. Well meaning people would make sure I got a rose that they give to moms at our church..."you are a spiritual mom". Don't get me wrong...that is no small thing, I cherish that title. But to have my own baby, to cuddle and raise and watch from infancy on - that is what I wanted. That is what we begged God for.

This year, I will be a new mom of 4. FOUR children! Not bad for a lady who thought she may never have one.

And He, in the way that only He can, has pulled out the stops for us. Emma will be 3 in August, Alina turned one in December, and these little men will join us tomorrow. 4 babies in less than 3 years." 

How does it happen? That I could be 6 weeks before my due date, I just happen to be able to keep myself from going into labor as I submitted to two weeks of bed rest, and I check into a hospital to have two baby boys come out of me ON THE EXACT DAY that one baby didn't come home with us.

I could say more, tell more stories of provision, perfect timing, and the way that God came through at just the right time. I could tell you the lessons that I have learned from the hardest seasons of my life. There are too many, but let me tell you those seasons have defined me, refined me and made me who I am today. Every hard thing is a gold mine waiting to give me treasure.

When Job, the famous sufferer said "I know that my Redeemer lives", I believe he meant it. He knew what it was to have his fortunes restored to him. I believe he knew what it was to have suffered the loss of all things only to find that he had gained more than he ever lost.

He does give beauty for ashes. In His time.

If all you see is ash, there is a Redeemer who can make it beautiful.

To redeem means to exchange something for another something. I redeem a coupon to get a discount on something at the store. I turn in something technically worthless to receive something with worth.

Isn't this what happens?

I give my pain, my disappointment, discouragement and grief and in turn I get healing, hope and incredible memories to replace the old ones that brought me all that pain over all those years.

Incredible.
Beautiful.
Miraculous.

I am humbled, and repentant because I didn't trust well sometimes. Most of all I am so grateful. So, so grateful.

Now, I know what I mean when I say "I know that my Redeemer lives".

I am telling myself and anyone who will listen:

"Your grief is not the end, your pain is not the end, your heartache is not the end. Hold on! He is going to make this beautiful. He is going to make it better than you could ever possibly imagine.  He is running to exchange this very hard thing and turn it into something beautiful."

This is not just a nice thought, this is my life.

I have a Redeemer, and I know He lives. He lives in all of the ashes that He has made beautiful for me. He lives in all of the lessons I have learned from the challenges I have faced. He lives in the giggles of my kids, and in the kindness of my husband.

I know. I know, I know. My Redeemer lives.

I am your #1 fan

We were talking to a couple the other night, and I heard myself say this to the woman: "You need to be the president of your husband's fan club".

If you don't agree, you may want to stop reading now. This is going to a shameless plug for being crazy about our husbands.

I don't just love my husband. I LOVE my husband.

                                                                                                             As I write this, my husband is at Superstore. Let me tell you quickly how much Shawn hates Superstore - for my American friends, Superstore is like a mix of Wal-Mart and Target - it is bright, big and prices are written on small little cards so you need to read the labels carefully and pick out the right combination of things, or you don't get the special prices.

                                                                           One time, I talked Shawn into going to Superstore with me and the second he walked in, he held his head and said "I have a headache. Like, instant headache. I need to go back to the car". Then another time we went, and I am not kidding, one of the bulk bins cut his hand wide open. Blood on the floor...the whole deal. He made a quiet vow that he would never return to the bright and bloody store.

But, tonight he went to Superstore for me because I forgot to redeem a coupon we got in the paper for a $25.00 gift card. So, let me paint the scene:

He is at Superstore, in the bright lights and heading toward the customer service desk. Now, Shawn is a good Canadian guy. Doesn't like to kick up a fuss, he would rather take the $25.00 hit than go and talk to a middle aged woman at the help desk. This is, as he would say, "a total cringer". But he went. He got the money back. He got scolded by said middle aged help desk lady, but he did it - like a boss.

I could go on and on.

Perfect? No. But my hero? Yes.

Everyday of my life.

It is always a mistake to tear the men in our lives down.

It is the much talked about image of men right now: Stupid, lazy, can't figure out how to work anything in the house, even the dog is smarter than dad kind of stuff. What do we benefit from being cruel and disrespectful to the whole other half of the human race? Power? Control? Respect? Since when do these attributes bring out the best in ourselves or others?

I understand that women have been hurt, sometimes by men who made and broke promises. Maybe it was abuse, maybe betrayal,          could be disappointment or a myriad of other things.

Those experiences are very real, and life changing. I can't really say much more about it here, but my compassion is so strong for broken hearts and I would never want to say something that would cause more pain. However, I feel like I need to shout from the rooftops that "ALL MEN ARE NOT A DISAPPOINTMENT!"

Maybe it is fear of seeming like we are rubbing it in that would keep us from bragging about a good man, especially if that man is our husband, but I just need to tell you...

This man of mine saves the day one day at a time around here.

Did you know that Shawn told me once that he actually likes it when I am having my monthly emotional spike (AKA - PMS)? Isn't that crazy? He is glad to know what I actually think, not the guarded, edited, downplayed version of my controlled emotions. Amazing.

When he came to ask me out - I laid out my deepest fear - "Do I intimidate you?" maybe that sounds like a simple question to you but to me it was the most vulnerable I have ever felt in my life. His answer: "Nothing about you takes away anything from who I am"

Just like that, every lie I had ever heard in my head:
"you are too much, no man wants to take you on, you are too strong willed..." on and on it would go, tormenting me and keeping me bound up in fear and anxiety.

This good man's heart, in one moment swallowed years of heartache and loneliness. He took all of it on his strong shoulders and with every fibre in his being he stood there and said, "I am not like those other guys".

Now, just Shawn's presence calls young men to a life of strength and integrity. Boys who don't know who they are gravitate toward him to be mentored, because they see in him what they want to be.

I am so incredibly proud of this guy.

Single girls - make sure you pick a man you can be proud of.

Married girls - be grateful for, and proud of the man God gave you.

Work for it, vow to build and not destroy. LOVE him, RESPECT him, TALK to him, and let him talk to you.

Please don't send me hate mail if you are having a hard time or if you don't like men, but if you love your man - SHOUT IT OUT!