the world we live in

I find myself in a strange position. I used to have zero children. Now, in a relatively short amount of time i have four children. You could say that we planned for this, but we didn't really. We factored it in as a possibility kind of in the same way that I could plan to take a little weekend getaway to Mars.

When one struggles under infertility for 6 years, the idea of having twins is so remote it is a little hard to put into words.

So, all of that to say when people look at me like "um...birth control?" I just want to say "Hey! no one is as surprised as me ok?"

On Monday we were out with all four kids (something we don't do often), and we were talking to a couple that we had just met, at the end of the conversation they said "and you are finished having kids now right?". Well, yes, we are, but frankly that is none of your bees-wax and what if we weren't? what is the big deal with having lots of kids?

I'll tell you what the big deal is...we are selfish.

Go ahead, get mad at me, but what I say is true.

We don't have big families anymore because it isn't responsible, or maybe we fear we will lose our identity in the craziness of parenting...whatever.

big families are not for everyone, i get that. but where has the value for family gone? and why is it irresponsible if someone wants to have a big family?

i will tell you another story.

Costco parking lot: dad dealing with a son who is having a temper tantrum. i look over my shoulder at the situation, relieved that my kiddo's are at home and it is not my turn to deal with a screaming child in the Costco parking lot. Then an employee walks by me and says "that is why i never had kids".

Really? oh lady, i am so sad for you. if all i saw of children was at the grocery store, wal-mart, or the costco parking lot, i would not want to be a parent either. BUT, there are so many other moments that dwarf tantrums, crying, sleeplessness, the lack of money, or all of the other things that make parenting hard.

Emma decided her word for today was unfortunately. "Unfortunately, we won't be able to go to the bank" (she just turned 3. where does she come up with this stuff?) Alina has been a horse for a few days now, so she sounds like this "nay, nay, hi mommy, nay, nay" and she gallops away. every day emma asks me to look for kisses on her face before she goes to bed. There must be hugs and songs and prayers and deep looks into each other's eyes. Alina needs big hugs and books read to her, a little tummy scratch and lots of "i love you's". Our boys giggle and smile now. I would live on two hours of sleep for another year just to hear one of those little boys giggle again.

it is the temporary vs. the eternal. I am uncomfortable often. I am overwhelmed with my responsibilities daily, but i know that i am a vital part of shaping 4 little lives. this is the highest calling i will ever walk in. I could have traded all of this in for more vacations, nicer furniture or some peace and quiet (trust me, sometimes i wonder why i didn't). We did this because we know that even if it is hard in the moment, the joy far outweighs the sacrifice and the sacrifice makes everything more joyful in the end.

So, when people look at me and wonder what I was thinking when they see me with all my little bundles, i smile and think "do you get to look for kisses on someone's face before you go to bed tonight? because i do."  I wouldn't trade it for the world.

lets review

Well, our boys will be 3 months old on Saturday. The same day that Emma turns 3. God knew that I am horrible with dates so 3 of my 4 children were born on the 11th of a month.

We are all settling in quite nicely, in fact all four children are napping now, which means i can sit here for a few golden moments and reflect on what is happening in our lives right now. it seems there is a mild curiosity for what life is like with four kids under three - so let me illuminate the situation.

We decided, quite bravely i think, to take the entire brood on a little road trip. we did this another time a couple of weeks ago and while everyone did pretty good, the trip home was 4 hours of non -stop screaming from someone in our crowded mini-van. nonetheless, there was a family birthday party in seattle and we wanted to be there so that was settled.

the trip down? not so bad. only some screaming and a few more stops than we wanted to make, but that is life with babies. our sleep overnight? the normal - shawn is with the boys in the living room, ready to feed whenever they wake up. Emma is with me ready to kick me whenever she wakes up, and alina is on her own, ready to throw a party whenever she wakes up. overall, not bad, only up three or four times.

we did decide to take the brood to the mall however, and i would say, that is where things started to come apart. you know, you would think that Shawn, being the planner that he is, would warn me when things are a bad idea. he is slipping in his "this is a crazy idea" alert system. i will have to talk to him about that when i see him in a few years.

anywhoo - emma peed herself in the car on the way there (i didn't bring extra clothes, because it was a short trip). "mommy,  i need to go pee" us - "ok honey, hold it ok, we are almost there. can you hold it?" emma - "uh huh", us - "lets pull into this starbucks just in case". so we did, and just as i am praising her for holding it, telling me she needed to pee, and being patient, she informs me her pants are soaked and she doesn't want to put them back on. great.

well, you have to put them back on. life is tough kid.

so while emma is going around the play area in  her pee- filled shorts,  I scramble to Gap kids to get her some other shorts. one crisis solved, and a cute outfit to show for it.

now it is lunchtime - we will head to the food court. on the other side of the mall. with two free range toddlers and two hungry babies in a stroller.

it is now that i notice, no one is coming to ooh and ahhh over our kids. they only do that when you have one or two. what we get now are these wide eyed looks that say "Are all of those kids yours?".

so, we begin our trek to the food court. past the Disney store where Emma stops and becomes immovable while saying "Mommy, it is SOOO beautiful". we get past that and then pass a Build a Bear workshop, both girls become immovable and say "Bear! oh so cute, i waaaaaannnnntttt one!"

no.

then we pass a fountain, the whole bottom of the fountain is covered with pennies. We have made it halfway through the mall and it has taken 30 minutes.

Finally, we arrive at the food court, we figure out what we will eat, children are in seats, and babies are pacified. we look like the perfect family. for at least three minutes.

The last thing i wanted to do was to walk past all of those wonders of the world again with two kids who are now overstimulated and in desperate need of a nap. So, it is decided that Shawn will go and get the car and bring it to the entrance outside the food court. "i will go and get the girls mini-blizzards, that will keep them busy"

again, i blame shawn. i think he knew that was a bad idea, but like a lamb to the slaughter, he watched me go and order those little treats. i think there is revenge buried in his heart somewhere.  and was that laughter i heard as he bolted out of the food court?

so i now have all four kids. no one is coming to see the babies, everyone is steering clear of this family of six. why? oh, i don't know because Emma was LICKING THE CHAIR! disgusting! why was she doing that? she never does things like that?? and Alina took advantage of my turned head and put her entire hand in her mini-blizzard cup. now she is covered with ice-cream, so sticky i don't even want to touch her, and the boys wake up and they are hungry.

my Lord, where is a cone of silence when you need one?

So, i rip alina's dress off, she goes on my shoulders. i hail emma and command her to stay close to me and thankfully she decides that she will not fight me, and we head toward the door. i see my husband, we load the children and we head back to the house.

everyone has a bath and a nap and we are ready for the next round.

so, this is our life these days. not every day is like that day. some days are quieter and filled with obedient little children who kiss my face for no reason at all. it is crazy, and i love it.

it is not for everyone, but even on the hard days, i am glad this is my life.

people pleasers

i am the guilty party in this case. if the club made t-shirts, i would have one. i would have tried to turn it in 1,000 times because it is a title that most of us run from. it usually means that a person cares more about what people think than they should. of course, that is a trap we can all fall into, but some of us struggle more than others.

i would agree that to please others while losing your own identity is a big mistake, however, i would like to say that people pleasing isn't all that bad. especially when you consider the alternative. what exactly is the alternative? to make people angry all the time? that doesn't sound very appealing either.

it is true that in different seasons of my life, i have been paralyzed by fear of what people would think. but in some ways, i am grateful for those seasons. that is where i learned to read body language, to pick up on nuance in conversation, and to know when people are glad they are talking to you or if they would really rather that you go away. those are good skills to have in your tool box. how else do you learn them? i wouldn't know, insecurity was my classroom for all of it.

now that i am a grown up, i understand that some people click, some people don't. some people are fun to be with and to even make happy, some people will not be happy no matter how hard you try. so, if i throw my efforts in profitable directions, i don't mind making people happy.

we will have fans and we will have people that don't like us. especially if we are leaders. i hate that lesson. sometimes, just being a leader pushes people away. and if we will ever truly lead, there is no way to escape people dis-liking us intensely.  i rely on the wise words of Bill Cosby for those moments - "I don't know the secret to success, but I know the secret to failure is trying to please everyone".

i can't please everyone, and i have stopped trying (most of the time) but i am still glad that i know how to make some people happy - i am glad that i learned how to lift the load off of people through laughter and kindness. i think of all the years that i tried to stop being a pleaser - i lived in a world that almost made that title a swear word. but i am ready now to celebrate my people-pleaser-ness.

if you want to be in my club, let me know. we could do pep rallies or something.

fear

fear is such a strange emotion.

i don't know anyone who doesn't fight it in one way or another. i think it could be said that fear is the most common human emotion. you may disagree because it manifests itself in so many ways, but i lump fear with anxiety, worry, even anger and despair. most of the troubles that ail us come from the root of fear.

when we are afraid, we control. when we are afraid we retreat into ourselves and believe the worst of ourselves and others in the secret places of our minds.

it is a voice. a voice that usually whispers to begin with, then it grows into a conversational level and if not corrected previously, it begins to yell and back us into the smallest version of ourselves.

i usually don't even perceive it at first - it starts so small. "how could you have done this" or "forgotten that?". "you never...", "you always...", "if you could only...", "if you would get your act together...".

and that is only the internal fears of our personalities - what about the fear of circumstance? "this will never happen" and that is usually followed by a conclusion rooted in the 50 ways we have blown it or missed the mark. "what will happen next?" is the question that plagues us all. without roots or ceilings we are left to wonder and give into paranoia.

my dad (my ever-so-wise dad) has said (and don't tell me if he is quoting someone else, i like to think he made it up) "95% of what we worry about never happens and the other 5% doesn't happen the way you think it will." and you know what? that is the truth.

the circumstances that had me all tied up in knots once upon a time have passed now, and everything worked out for the good. not that life is a cake-walk, of course some things do come to pass - but when they do there is grace for that moment. unlike the hypothetical moments that make everything seem impossible.

there is no grace for worry.

when i say grace, i mean the God given ability to face life and do what He says. like grease on gears, He makes the whole ride smoother by enabling us to live His way.

you would think we would figure this out. if i look back, how could i deny that everything works for my good since I love Him and I am called according to His purpose? but i do deny it every time i cave into stress and anxiety.

and it starts so small - "will we have enough? things are tight, how will we make it work?". and i end up having these tumbleweeds rolling around in my brain that, left unchecked, will shut me down in a matter of time. and just one question keri harvey - has He ever failed you before?

no. no sir, not even once.

of course at the time of greatest crisis i would have thought so. but that was just because i wasn't yielding to His timing or His grace. trust and relationship are not a walk in the park, but if i look back, i cannot deny that He has always, always come through for me.

i say all of this because i noticed my thoughts recently. my stress levels were on the rise and it could be  due to the fact that we have 4 small children - but i need to remember that He gave us 4 small children and He will give us the grace and the provision we need for all of them. Time, money, attention, and sanity. He will not fail us. He is love and love never fails.

so, be still my soul be still. today may be hectic. today may feel a little more stressful than days past, but there is a price to pay for the promises you receive, there is the gift and there is stewarding the gift. now is the time to steward the gifts that have been graciously given.

and so i will. Lord, please guard my thoughts and my heart. help me to keep my fears solidly at your feet. you have given - now i will receive your provision and i will not question you when you told me not to worry about anything. amen.

 ok, enough of that. i have two hungry boys to feed!

babies are such a nice way to start people

need i say more?

perfect timing

There were so many days that i wondered if this day would ever happen. Would I ever know what it felt like to have a little life inside of me? Would we ever hear the sound of pyjama -d feet coming down our hallway?

5 years ago tomorrow - 2 days before Mothers Day - 2 years into our infertility issues - our first adoption fell through. we were devastated. we hoped and prayed for this baby (a beautiful little boy), and for reasons that were beyond what we could see at the time, it just was not meant to be. we left that hospital so aware of our barrenness, so broken and desperate.

and tomorrow, May 11th, 5 years later we are having two little boys. The EXACT date of our heartbreak, God has redeemed and made new.

I used to dread Mother's Day. Well meaning people would make sure I got a rose that they give to moms at our church..."you are a spiritual mom". that is no small thing, i cherish that title. but to have my own baby, to cuddle and raise and watch from infancy on - that is what I wanted. That is what we begged God for.

This year, I will be a new mom of 4. 4 children! Not bad for a lady who thought she may never have one.

And He, in the way that only He can, has pulled out the stops for us. Emma will be 3 in August, Alina turned one in December, and these little men will join us tomorrow. 4 babies in less than 3 years.

I know people think we are crazy (and for the most part I agree), but when you live through 6 years of infertility,  there is not much about having babies that seems too difficult. I am just grateful I get to be a mommy.

So, stay tuned friends, our new additions will be here tomorrow around 10:30 in the morning.

I can't stop smiling.

beauty

I was watching Kennedy Center Awards last night. I love this award. It is given for a lifetime achievement in the arts. The president is there, and it is always packed with really high profile stars and politicians.

The episode I watched last night was honouring Paul Simon, Yo Yo Ma, Meryl Streep and Barbara Cook (a famous Broadway singer). So, in case you haven't watched before I will fill you in. The honourees sit in balcony seats with the president and first lady, while their colleagues walk the audience through a montage of their life's work. Even if i don't love their music, dancing or poetry, I can't help but be swept into their story - small beginnings, hard work, dedication, sacrifice, and excellence.

I am an admirer of Yo Yo Ma (cello player). He dominates the classical music world, and yet he has spent the greater portion of the last twenty years merging with all sorts of other genres from folk, to bluegrass, even going mainstream with Bobby McFerrin.

He was a joy to watch as people that he had played with on different projects went through the songs they had played together. He genuinely loves music, whether he is playing it or not. He was captivated by the entire thing. His face shone with joy and pride - i am sure he had mentored many of those musicians along the way.

Then at the end, James Taylor came out, joined together with all of these varied artists and a whole children's choir and sang "Here comes the sun".

That is when I saw it.

Beauty - the overwhelming power of beauty.

They panned the audience and there was Anne Hathaway crying her eyes out - and she was not alone.

It is not like "Here comes the sun" is a downer song - quite the opposite actually. But it had built so beautifully, and we all saw and heard for that moment what Yo Yo Ma hears and sees when he hears music. He, and those who honoured him, brought us into that moment that made all other moments worthwhile.

And I found myself crying too - swept into this moment with them.

All of the hours upon hours of hard work, practice, mundane scales and rehearsals all poured into this moment when the curtain goes up and the audience is invited to come out of their every day lives and welcomed in to another moment when everything seems to be full of magic and possibility.

I had this moment once. Right at the end of my senior recital to get my degree in Classical Voice -in the last 20 minutes of my performance - something happened - four years of teaching and coaching, practicing when i didn't feel like it, and making thousands of mistakes, all culminated into one moment when I understood what my job was. And i understood the transcendence of that moment. I realized then, that what I saw, I could help others see, and how I sang, moved people from paying bills and cleaning house to a beautiful place of story and imagination.

It was beautiful.

Everything about music changed for me that day. I realized that I am not a gift, nor are my talents or abilities. The gift wasn't given so I could feel great about myself. The gift was given to relieve the load that people carry - to take them to a new place and help them find rest from the mundane.

I see it more clearly now than I used to - and I cherish those moments when they happen. When true beauty, the kind that takes your breath away, enters into the grays of life and changes the way we look at things, even if it is only for a moment.

Of course it is not just music. It is reconciliation between estranged family members or friends, it is a moment of pure laughter even when tragedy is hanging dark in the air, it is a soldier coming home and surprising his family. It is simply anything that makes your heart swell with wonder and removes whatever shadow had been lingering there.

It reminds me that our Father makes everything beautiful in its time. We may trudge and plow and think there is no progress being made, but then a beautiful sunset, a flower out of place in a dry field, a deep giggle from a child, and we are refreshed and ready to take one more step.

beauty is the gift He gave us so we would keep going when everything feels lost.

so i pray that we all have a surprise encounter with beauty today - something that brings tears or laughter - just to remind us that life is made to be cherished and that we are not alone.