the gall

i am home. this is such a nice place to be considering the past four days.

it started innocently enough. shawn was going to maple valley (just outside of seattle) for a few days so i was going to go and visit my family in mill creek on monday (also just outside of seattle, just different directions). i have to say that looking back, i might have noticed something was wrong. i was in quite a bit of pain on sunday, but honestly we change so much during pregnancy i just thought it was another preggo thing so i laid down and my pain went away. thankfully, i have wonderful people in my life that were able to come over and help me with my kiddos.

monday morning, still a little bit of pain but nothing like it was before so i packed and managed to get myself and my two girls to my sister's house in Mill Creek. when i got there i told my dad "i just need to stretch out a bit and lay down". the pain had kicked in for real now.

to make a long story short, i spent the next 4 hours writhing on the floor in pure agony - trying to find some way that i could sit, lay or stand that would make the pain go away.

thankfully, shawn was coming up for dinner that night so i finally called him back to the room that i had been in. and we decided that we needed to go to the hospital.

and that began the longest part of the journey. that 22 minute ride to the hospital felt like an hour (at least).   the pain was localized now right at the top of my abdomen, like knives jumping in and out of my tummy. this is not a good feeling when you are pregnant with twins. there was so much uncertainty.

so, they checked the babies first while i continued to deal with the pain i was in - the good news was, the babies were fine and no chance of pre-term labor. the nurse there asked me "on a scale of 1-10 what is your pain level? 1 being a stubbed toe and 10 being 'rip my arms out without anesthetic' ". my answer "9".

then...sweet relief...they gave me drugs. thank you Jesus for drugs (am I allowed to say that?)

we were transported back to ER and they started trying to figure out what was happening with me. so we got into a room and sat, and sat and sat.  my dad came with shawn and i,  and it was actually kind of nice to visit with him while we were waiting for news. i was on drugs so i felt great by then.

by 4 AM we had been pulled into an ultrasound, and i had blood drawn. all to find our long awaited diagnosis...pancreatitis due to gallstones. i had a gall stone stuck in the artery between the pancreas and the gall bladder.

and my numbers were off the charts, literally. the high for the whatever thing they were looking for is usually around 500. mine came in at 46,000. the doctors couldn't believe that i was still functioning. one doctor actually compared what i had been through to a car accident - in other words, very serious.

so, now i have gallstones, isn't that weird?

gallstones are primarily hereditary i was told. had anyone in my family had gallstones? and here is where it was really handy that my dad was there. he said "don't you remember grandpa's ashtray?" ummm, no. apparently my grandfather was so proud of his gallstones that he had them made into an ashtray. thats interesting family news at 3 AM. maybe i will look into that when all is said and done. you never know when you may need a gall stone ashtray.

by 5 AM, they had admitted me, drugged me and tucked me into bed.

at 6 AM the doctor came in to talk to me about the diagnosis and what to do next. it seems that the big culprit on sunday was peanut butter. he said that was like drinking battery acid with what i was facing. that was about how it felt, so it made sense when he said that.

so, there i was, in the hospital - it was so surreal. i missed my girls, and i had tubes and wires stuck all over me. BUT let me just say..the hospital staff was amazing. all day, everyday, they would file through with so much sensitivity and kindness it was overwhelming. they equipped me and cared for me, and made me feel like i was more than a number, but a person that mattered. i loved those people!

the pain is gone now, and i have to eat very little fat - i guess the gall bladder deals with fat and spits it out, but in this case it would also spit out stones. so i will be creative with my cooking until the babies come, then it sounds like i will have my gall bladder out.

it is a marvel to me that we can live without one of the organs we were born with, but they assure me that it can be done. and who knows, i may just make an ashtray out of those stones!

so, that is why i am so glad to be home. my own bed, my own shower, my kiddos and husband nearby. but i will forever be grateful for the team of doctors and nurses that helped me through those 4 days that could have been a whole lot of no -fun.

the best news is that all of our bills will be covered under our travel insurance -whew!

so, that was my week...hope yours wasn't so eventful!

the refresh button

it's a principle we started employing a few years ago in our leadership program, we call it "hitting the refresh button". when we say it, we mean, close your eyes and meet someone again for the first time. forget the hang-ups they had a few months or years ago, look at them again and see if your opinion is still correct without the filter you have been using to look at them.

this is such a valuable concept. it is impossible to re-invent yourself in a room full of people to whom you are a foregone conclusion.

and we all need to re-invent ourselves sometimes. life takes it's pound of flesh, we learn, we grow, and we soften if we are paying attention and staying humble.

i need to look at my friends differently. i need to look at my husband differently. and today, i needed to look at myself differently.

i was thinking today about my strengths and weaknesses (i know some of you think i am weird for doing this kind of thing, but go with me...) and i realized that being organized and a good manager of time used to be a weakness for me - then they moved into the "i am working on that" category - and i can honestly say that now they have moved into the strength category. i am still not great at establishing systems or setting out a great structure - but i am good at making sure that our household runs with some semblance of order and cleanliness and once a system is in place, i can follow it and maintain a pretty consistent environment.

to be clear, i am not bragging. trust me, no one is more shocked about this progress than i am. if only you knew the disorganized mess i used to be. but i need to hit the refresh button and stop scrambling to feel like i was climbing out of the chaos of an undisciplined life. i am not living that life anymore.

this is why words in the heat of the moment like "always" and "never" are so detrimental. it is a death sentence to a person's progress from weakness to strength.

if i say "you are always leaving the house a mess" to my husband, it totally negates the sincere efforts he has put in to help me keep things clean around here. of course, he may not meet my expectations, but if he is trying, then my job is to assume he is actively moving from the column of "weakness" into "working on it". and i need to hit the refresh button.

the Bible is so clear on this in 1 Cor. 13 when we are told that love keeps no record of wrongs.

i find this to be one of the hardest things the Bible asks me to do. I actually hate admitting that because i want to be such a believer in all people. but all of our brains are big storage containers -and we are imprinted with the memories of things people have done as we walk through our lives.

we need to frequently purge our brains and give others a fresh start - and if you are at all like me, you need to give yourself a new start too.

i was talking to a friend about regret tonight. she was talking about some of the decisions that she made in the past and how she wishes so badly she would have done things differently. i am sure we all have scenarios like this. but the truth is, we do the best we can with the information and knowledge we have at the time. would we do things differently now? sure. but that is only because we did it the wrong way the first time.

so, we learn, and we move on and we forgive ourselves and others.

it is a constant prayer of mine: "Lord, let me see people the way you see them. forgive me for the grudges i hold, or the beliefs that i cling to out of hurt, disappointment, or fear. help me to let go of the past and start new in all of my relationships and with my view of myself. "

He gives me a new chance everyday. it is the least i can do to try and do the same for the people around me.

advice

i caught myself the other day.  i was visiting with a new mom and her two week old baby - and i couldn't help myself...i started giving advice like i had been a parent for 20 years. what is worse, i had promised her before the baby came that i wouldn't do that.

that might seem like a strange promise, but i remember being a new mom and being so overwhelmed by all of the input i was getting. so, i decided that the gift i would give new moms would be to hold back on giving them advice unless they asked for it.

but, there i was, asking how the baby was sleeping, how she was coping, and all of the normal questions that you ask a new mom. and to each reply i would give my opinion and, yup, unsolicited advice.

rats.

i was watching her as she was processing what i was saying, in her hyper - hormonal - and somewhat overwhelmed state. and she was trying to be polite, but holding her own in saying "i am going to do it this way". and by golly, that is her right to do so.

i was thinking about it later, and asking myself why i would do this thing that i promised myself i wouldn't - and here is what i came up with:

I have fought hard for those lessons and i want to spare other moms from mistakes, or share the things that seemed to work for me. it is like i have survived a battle and i want to have an audience with those who would value the hard learned lessons of war.

but, here is the deal: she has to fight her own battles, try her own methods and figure out what is going to work for her and her new little baby. and i need to encourage her and tell her that she has what it takes - sometimes i think unsolicited advice can send the message that we don't have what it takes and if we would only do it this way then the baby would sleep better, be potty trained by one, or stop having crying fits.

while some of the advice may be true and appropriate, it is the setting that makes it valuable. a phone call in a desperate time, a question over coffee, or a simple passing in the church nursery that drops the right words into the right moment.

i have had both unsolicited, although well intended, advice and the sought after advice. one almost always  got under my skin and made me question my ability to parent and the other picked me up and helped me feel like i could run again with new courage.

i want to enable and encourage - so i am ready to start again in my discussions with new moms - i will wait for those key words "what do you think?" and then, look out - i will have so much to say!

in the meantime i want the message that comes out of my life,  "momma - you are all over this and you can do it!"

let's just hope i can stick to it. sheesh.

adopted

there is a picture that has been floating around face book, and i just can't seem to shake my need to voice an opinion about it. so, here is the picture:

I am not trying to steal anyone's fun. But i guess i just find this a sad view of adoption. i am not adopted, and since i am not adopted, at one point this may have been funny to me as well... i know that no one would mean any harm by this picture, but i can't seem to let it go. let me tell you why:


i guess i just zoom forward and think - what would emma think if she saw this? what if she was struggling with her identity on the day that she did see it? - would she wonder what was so wrong with being adopted that the baby would be crying like that? i can't stop my mommy heart from protecting her heart. 

every night we pray against rejection, and fear of abandonment. We pray that she would know how much we love her, that we wanted her and that she is so valuable to us. and, we pray that she will carry her story with grace. 
i guess i just cringe when i see this, because i think - is this her future? are these the thoughts and the stigma's that are coming her way? 

yes, i guess they are. 


and you may feel that i am being super sensitive, and there is a good chance i am. but put yourself in my shoes, in Emma's shoes, and see if you respond any differently. 


this is what adoption actually looks like:







an incredibly brave young woman doing the most mothering thing possible - giving her baby the best chance for a strong and stable life.








and here is a little more food for thought: 


We are all adopted. 


If we are in the family of Christ, we have been adopted into it.


So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, “Abba, Father.” Romans 8:15


God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure. Eph 1:5


This is such good news, it is hard to even know where to start. No matter how healthy or admirable our families were when we were growing up, they were all flawed, because humans are flawed. We all screw each other up. BUT - we are ingrafted, invited, welcomed, and adopted into a perfect family that has the promise of all the things that will cause our hearts to rest. 


that means that no matter what we had in our formative years - a father, no father, a mother, no mother, abuse or no abuse, we all get a fresh start with a perfect Father who has perfect intentions toward us. 


and - he is changing my nature into His as i get to know Him more. my temper is exchanged for His kindness and patience. my anxiety is replaced with the trust that He has the best in store for me. the list goes on and on. 


so, each of us has a level playing field. we may have a little more work than someone else to change our reflexes, but we all get a chance to sit at the table of a King. It is His grace and mercy that invite us there, and it is our privilege to spend all of our days with Him, enjoying Him, becoming more like Him.


So, three cheers for adoption. 


It is beautiful, and i am proud to be part of those who have the privilege of receiving a child through adoption. 


i just thought it would be worth putting a different spin on something that we, who come from the same DNA as our parents and our siblings, could have just chuckled and moved on with our day. hopefully you don't mind my little need to bring a different opinion. 

not quite what i expected for valentines day

i have not been sick with the flu since i don't know when...maybe when i was a teenager? but boy howdy! i got hit on sunday with some kind of horrific bug that rendered me completely powerless.

i was out for coffee with a friend, and here was the first mistake of the day...i ate chill for lunch. if i had only known that i was going to be sick i would have definitely avoided that little choice! my poor friend, there we were sitting and visiting and then i kind of knew...something is not right. so i warned her, if i pop up and leave, this is why. and sure enough in a few minutes i was more intimate with that coffee shop's bathroom than i wanted to be.

i HATE being sick. ewww it is just so gross and humiliating.

so, now two days later, six pounds lighter and a few hours of fluids in my tummy, i am getting better. i was a little worried about the two sprouts growing in me so i went to the maternity ward today to make sure all was well and the little ones survived the ordeal of the past few days.  of course, they are fine. the nurses assured me that they take what they need and leave the rest for me. now if that isn't a metaphor for parenting i don't know what is.

my poor husband. he kept looking at me like "i am not sure what to do here". he has been sick once or twice, but i have never been that sick in our eight years of marriage. so, halfway through the day yesterday he just said "don't die ok?". ok, i won't die.

here is the good thing though - when you get sick like that, you kind of have to focus on what is most important, like taking care of yourself and your family. my head had been spinning on quite a few levels for a week or so. i needed to get some clarity on some fuzzy issues, and you know, when just getting  up and walking around is an accomplishment, it makes things come into focus in a hurry.

so, between the very good coffee date with my friend - she brought some great perspective - and focusing on just getting well, sometime in the middle of that, my brain settled down and i have new clarity on the issues that were running like little hamsters in my head. (i am thinking now that i wish i didn't need to get the flu to sort all of this out, but it is what it is)

and for valentines day, i have a day to rest in my house since the girls are at grandma's and shawn is at work. and as for romance, a husband that looks at me when i have no make up on, i am a slight shade of green and says "i love you" - is quite enough for me.

so, happy valentines day all. and just a side note, i still think that valentines is a big scheme to make single people feel like they are missing out. so, if you are single be encouraged - there is much more to romance than a nice dinner out with roses - that is the least of the things you can look forward to once you find someone to love you til death do you part. hang out with your friends and enjoy the memories you have now...they are priceless too.

how is that for a very eclectic blog? here's to health and true romance!

"Mama, you have what it takes"

from the book i am reading right now (have a new kid by friday - kevin lehman):

"you don't need a PhD. you don't need to have a lot of money. you have all you need. you know the biggest secret of all: your child wants to please you. She can't stand it when you're unhappy with her. she wants to know you are a team."

"what kind of legacy are you going to leave for them? if you want them to be healthy, independent thinkers who are kind and giving to others, now if the time to start, and you can start by changing yourself"

this will sound crazy but these statements brought tears to my eyes.

why? because it is so easy to forget the i have what it takes.

i don't really love it when i blog about my insecurities, simply because it feels like i am asking for people to tell me that i am amazing etc... and trust me that is not my goal. i need to get it out of me, and this is how i do it. i write about it, i talk about it. and you get to read it, lucky you.

i read those two statements and i realize the lies i have been listening to, and the fears i have been yielding to.

it is true that comparison the doorway to all disorder in my mind and all sorts of other creepy crawly thoughts that natter at me and disable me from being the best mom i can be.

when i look at other moms and think "i should be more like that", or "i am not good at that like they are", i am opening the door to crazy thinking. who cares if i am not good at crafts? who cares if i am not the most structured mom in the world? i can work on these things, but i don't think my kids will go on Dr. Phil one day with the sob story about how their mom was completely incapable of making a butterfly with pipe cleaners.

i guess i am realizing that i have been living in fear - fear that my kids will grow up to disrespect me, disregard me, just plain dis - me. i have seen too many teenagers do it, i have heard too many stories. working with teenagers for almost 20 years will do that to a person. and i have been afraid that no matter what i do, my kids won't turn out to be responsible adults that i am happy to present to society.

but the truth is, none of those other teenage stories are our story. and i can testify that without fail, every kid who knows their parents love them and care for them will come around and know that they did what they could with what they were given. and, they will disrespect me sometimes, that is part of growing up, but that doesn't mean they will be disrespectful people forever.

i cannot decide for my kids whether i am a good parent or not. i cannot bribe them or coerce them to think good thoughts about me. that is control, and it is wrong. i cannot make them love me, any more than God our Father will force me to love Him. this is the risk he took when he gave us free will. He opened Himself wide for rejection and misunderstanding. and His very first kids believed lies about Him and set the course for the rest of us for all time. that must have stunk big time.

i guess in the end i am realizing, it is ok to make mistakes, and it is prideful to think i won't.  it is ok and even good to say "i'm sorry". there is nothing bad that can come out of that. i teach my kids to have character because i have character, and that is enough. i have choices, they have choices. i cannot make my kids become "good kids" they have to choose just like the rest of us. we are all on a journey, and we get to do this together.

this all seems so obvious - i guess in my heart i know it. but i tell you...day to day, it is tough to feel like i am making progress. each day is a new adventure with screaming battles between the girls (how do i handle that one?), emma has taught alina to hit back, alina has taught emma to crawl up on to everything, emma yells "NO!" at me all the time....on and on it goes. i respond the same way every time, i am not overlooking it - i am not being permissive, but the behaviour isn't changing as quickly as i want it to. is this a mountain or a molehill??? time alone will decide.

so, i guess that is why the first statement gave me a moment to pause, look at the long road and think..."they will get through this, i will get through this. and i may not win these battles everyday, but i will die before i give up the war for their hearts"

i have what it takes. i begged God for these little souls and now i take my turn with all parents who pray daily that they give their kids what they need to survive in our hostile world. i see my inadequacies, i see my faults, but somehow, i have what it takes.

 ok. easy to believe now, because they are  napping and i have perspective.

let's try to remember that when they are awake shall we?

periphery

i have done it again.

it is the first day of the new year, and we are all assessing where we are and where we want to go. and i realized again today that i have turned secondary issues into primary issues, i have allowed the temporary to swallow the eternal. and i have let myself get all bundled up in fears and thoughts that i can do nothing about.

i have a friend who's mom is dying. things are crystal clear for her right now. the most important things remain, and the extemporaneous disappear. her mom found out just a short month ago that she had terminal cancer and given about two months to live. so now, every day, my friend watches her mother degenerate little by little.

i know this feeling.

i know it too well. these women, our moms. feisty, full of life and laughter. brilliant. sharp minded. and then one day they face their mortality and we who love them, hold them and walk to death's door with them.

psalm 23 - though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will not fear. You are with me.

death is a shadow. and yet, we never feel more alive. the air feels thicker, breathing becomes the most important issue. saying the right things at the right times. releasing, healing, blessing, nurturing, soothing...

i can promise you today that my friend is not worried about whether her house is clean. she is not worried about what next year will bring, or whether she will have enough money or not. my friend is watching her mother breathe while she sleeps and thanking God for every single one of those breaths.

the day will come when her mom will not be here. she will have taken all of her secret recipes and unspoken wisdom to the grave. and my friend will change forever. she will not quickly fight the petty battles that we all find ourselves in, she will remember when Jesus came to take her mom home. she will be grateful for life. and determined to live it.

it has been seven years now. and i must remember this. it is not about my bank account or my comfortable, immaculate home.

it is about every day, EVERY DAY, living with purpose and clarity. every day fiercely extracting the essence of our destiny and deciding to not get bogged down in the menial.

we learn in these pains. it is like backwards pregnancy. and we coach them to their final rest. naked i came from my mothers womb and naked i will return.

so it doesn't really matter does it? does it matter if i have the best clothes, the nicest house, the cutest kids?

in the end what really matters?

love.

that is it

and i need to be reminded. without love i am nothing.

not just love that comes in our western, squishy, watered down, tolerate everything sort of package.

i mean the real stuff. the stuff that sacrifices, the stuff that gets into the deepest places of peoples messes and pain and sits down to say "tell me where it hurts, and let's get you out of here".

and the love that stays even when it is hard and there is conflict. it is the love that says sorry, and means it.

and this is the love that we know when we say "turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace."

Jesus

He stepped out of His royal place in heaven stepped into our mess of a world and said, "i will make this right".

I betray Him every time i worry. i reject Him every time i resist and refuse His grace. and i ignore Him when i turn peripheral things into primary.

forgive me.

so, this is my confession and my resolution - to catch worry and fear when it comes crashing in, and to spend my life on love.

so help me God